AN: This got written a fair bit before I thought it would, but since I was having so much trouble with the next chapter of Collapse, I thought I would take a break from it to work on something a bit more simple. So I guess, you get this ahead of schedule? Anyways, it was a fun chapter to write and more or less exactly what I needed at the moment, so I hope that everyone else enjoys it as well!

Until next time!

Shuffle

Chivalry Better Start Being Goddamn Dead

"Have no fear, young lady," reaching out to take the slender hand in his own, Hakuba Saguru planted the faintest of kisses upon it, "...for I, Hakuba Saguru, will see to it that this frightful case is solved in a flash."

To his credit, the only reason he had allowed himself to be placed in this situation was simply that he was too shocked to move. And who could blame him? First, Hakuba Saguru of all people had stolen his thunder, appearing out of seemingly nowhere to explain why this wasn't a case of suicide, and next, he was mistaking him for some kind of fragile princess?

He'd been accused of being hotblooded before, but only now was it that Heiji felt as if he could understood what was meant by the phrase blood boiling.

Snatching his hand back from Hakuba, an expression of pure disgust clear on his borrowed face, Hattori Heiji took a step back, fighting the urge to vomit. It wasn't a guy kissing him on the hand that he had a problem with, it was the person doing it! Who the hell did this bastard think he was, strolling up to someone he'd only met once, and getting so intimate?

...no, now that he thought about it, it was even worse than that. He'd met Hattori Heiji once, sure enough- but as for Toyama Kazuha?

They'd never even been introduced.

What a creep.

"First of all, I had this situation under control long before ya decide ta waltz in like ya owned the place." He'd have to check the purse that Kazuha had thrust upon him for hand sanitizer later, because it still felt like his skin was crawling. "...an' second of all, isn't it considered polite ta ask fer a lady's name before ya start mackin' on 'em?"

Good, that left him speechless, and it was plain as day on his face. What, had this guy seriously never met a girl who had so fiercely rejected that kind of behavior? Well, even if he was only currently one by technicality, he would be more than happy to be the first.

Come to think of it, he'd treated that female detective in the same way, back on that island. In light of the fact that she had turned out to be the culprit, it was actually pretty funny.

"Ah, do pardon me." Once he finally found his voice again, Hakuba could only stammer out an apology. "In my country, I've become accustomed to-"

"This isn't yer country, is it?" Heiji asked, arching a brow. "An' what the hell are ya doin' here anyways, Hakuba? I thought ya lived in Tokyo, when ya decided ta grace," if there was one good thing about having Kazuha's voice, it was that sarcasm dripped off it stronger than that of his own, "...us with yer presence."

...ah.

Realizing his mistake only a second too late, upon seeing Hakuba's baffled reaction, Heiji coughed into his hand, turning sharply on his heel. Crap, that was right. He had just gotten so upset at him over it, so he couldn't believe it had slipped his mind so easily- but Toyama Kazuha had no reason to know anything about him.

And that was him, right now.

"Yer that other high school detective, right?" Heiji finally asked. "Heiji," he'd only somewhat gotten over the strangeness of saying his own name like this, "...told me all about ya."

"...ah, you mean Hattori-kun?" Hakuba blinked, a look of understanding finally dawning across his face. "I have worked together with him on a case once before. If I recall, you're..."

"That's right." Planting his hands on his hips, his best estimation of what Kazuha would do in this situation, Heiji pivoted back on his heel, giving him a rather cross look. "I'm his childhood friend, Toyama Kazuha."

...man, that didn't get any less awkward either.

Still, like hell he was going to let Hakuba Saguru of all people know about this, so he was just going to have to put on his best act. He couldn't help but feel almost slightly grateful about the training that Neechan and Kazuha had put him through earlier, because at the very least, he hadn't found himself slipping up on pronouns once.

...though, he supposed considering the fact that they'd never spoken before, it didn't really matter all that much. Well, whatever.

"An'?" Heiji asked, narrowing his eyes. "Heiji told me that ya live in Tokyo. What are ya doin' in Osaka, paradin' around crime scenes like ya own them?"

In hindsight, he supposed he was actually a bit out of place here himself. He'd rushed here on instinct, and had taken charge of the scene without thinking, but now that he had a moment to reflect on it, wasn't this a bit bad? Naturally, they hadn't let any members of the police force know about the swap, and now that he thought about it, Otaki had been looking at him a bit oddly earlier.

...crap. This was harder than he thought. After all, there was no way he could just ignore the murder that had happened right in front of him!

Well, it hadn't actually happened right in front of him but pssh, technicalities.

Should he call Kazuha then? No, no, considering the reason that he had gone out today in the first place, if he did something like that, she might find out what he was planning. There was no point in a surprise if the target of it wasn't surprised, right? He supposed if worst came to worst, he could always pretend like got the answers from...

...himself, he supposed. Man, he would have thought that after almost three weeks, things like this would start to be a little less awkward, but it seemed as if he wasn't having much luck there. He couldn't help but wonder if Kazuha was having this much trouble, same as him.

"I see, his childhood friend." Hakuba said, seeming to take all that information in without much of a second thought. "As for what brings me to Osaka today, I came with my father on a bit of business."

"Yer father?" Heiji blinked, a slight frown on his face. Now that he mentioned it, Kazuha had said something about his old man having a meeting with some other higher ups... was this what she had meant? Still, bringing his son along with him... this guy seriously had some nerve, trying to claim that he was the one who got into places using his father's influence.

"Yes, my father. He's the-"

"I know who yer old man is." Heiji cut him off. "Now then, now that ya know this situation is handled, ya can move on, Hakuba."

...he probably shouldn't be calling him that, but he seriously didn't have the energy into putting any effort into thinking about what it was that Kazuha might actually call the guy.

"No, I can't just-" Hakuba began.

"Sure ya can." Heiji insisted, folding his arms in front of his chest. "There's no need fer two detectives here."

"Two...?" Hakuba blinked. "Then, is Hattori-kun somewhere around here?"

...crap, he'd done it again. "W-well, I called him, an' he said he'd be here soon, so..."

"In other words, he's not here yet." Hakuba said. "In the meantime, what is the harm if I look around the crime scene, Toyama-san? Surely it would only be a good thing if this case was closed all the sooner."

"W-well, that's..." Heiji stammered, becoming more aware than he cared for as to how high the pitch of his voice was. He couldn't deny that he had a point, but it wasn't as if he even needed to be here in the first place for the case to be closed quickly. There was already a perfectly good detective here, damnit!

But no matter how much he wanted to blurt that out, he couldn't say it. It was the first chance he'd had to solve a case since this whole mess had started, and to think that something like this had happened!

He was starting to feel like Kudo had a point about the universe hating him.

"And I can assure you, Toyama-san," Hakuba began again, the smile on his face enough to make Heiji's skin crawl- what was this guy, a host!?- "...that I will make a perfectly fine replacement for the missing Hattori-kun."

Realizing that he'd lost his chance to chase him away, all Heiji could do was a let out a long, exasperated sigh. If things had turned out this way, then he would just have to put the bastard to shame by solving the case before him- after all, this was Osaka! It was his turf! And like hell he'd concede it to anyone, especially not Hakuba!

"Really?" Heiji asked, arching his brows. He knew from experience what the expression his face was like now- after all, the real Kazuha had turned it on him more than his fair share of times. It was almost kind of fun, turning it on someone else like this. "But I bet I can solve this case before ya, Hakuba."

"I mean, accordin' ta Heiji, yer basically just a hack anyways." He said with a shrug, not doing anything to wipe the smug smirk of his face. He was reacting, he was reacting! This was way too amusing!

"So I bet even I can do better than ya." Heiji declared, placing a hand over his heart. "Without Heiji here."

In the back of his mind, he could almost here Kudo chiding him about this not being a competition, but well... the guy wasn't actually here right now, and the mental voice was addressing Hattori. And since he technically wasn't right now...

...well, it would be fine, wouldn't it?

"Um, Kazuha-chan...?"

If he wasn't mistaken, Kazuha wasn't listening to him at all. Heaving a sigh, Otaki Gorou could only wonder what it was that had gotten into her today, to have her fired up like this. As far as he knew, she had never been that interested in solving cases before, but today, it seemed like as if she had made it her personal mission to close this one.

He hadn't been too surprised when he had turned up at the scene to find her there, nor to learn that she had been the one who had ordered the bystanders to call the police, and had prevented anyone from entering the crime scene. She spent enough time around both crime scenes and Heiji to know the basics of crime scene preservation, so it didn't come as a surprise that in the absence of the latter, she would take charge. She had never exactly been a shy girl, after all.

It was everything after that, that puzzled him so.

From what he could understand, it seemed as if Hei-chan didn't have a good impression of this young man, who had introduced himself as Hakuba Saguru, a high school detective. Otaki vaguely recognized the name, but to be honest, when it came to high school detectives, he mostly only paid attention to Hei-chan's accomplishments. To that extent, he could more or less understand that attitude that she had taken towards him, but other than that...

Without a doubt, something seemed strange about Kazuha today.

No, to be fair, he'd been getting this feeling for awhile now, but it was only coming to a head today.

Clearing his throat, Otaki decided to try his luck again. "Kazuha-chan?"

"Eh?" Blinking, as if only now realizing that he was talking to her, Kazuha started. "Ah, sorry, sorry, Otaki-han. Were ya sayin' somethin'?"

"Ah, it's nothin' major." Otaki told her. "I was just wonderin' when Hei-chan is going to show up. You said you called him, didn't you?"

"...eh?" Tilting her head, Kazuha blinked, as if completely clueless as to what he meant- before it seemed to strike her all at once, after which he could have sworn that she paled. "Ah, actually, I didn't actually call him."

As if seeing the confused look on his face, she continued. "I mean, if Heiji shows up an' finds this ass-" cutting herself short and forcing a smile on her face, Kazuha tried to pretend she hadn't clearly just intended to call the Superintendent's son an asshole, "...jerk here, there's no way it would end well, right?"

"Is their relationship really that bad?" Otaki asked with a frown. Honestly, if he didn't know any better, he'd say that Kazuha was the one who had a bone to pick with him.

"Y-yeah, ya could say that." Kazuha said, nodding her head. "He said some pretty nasty things about him before, or so I heard. About usin' his father's name an' stuff."

"Ah..." A look of understanding finally dawned on Otaki's face, giving her a firm nod of his head. "It's true, that does sound like somethin' that would set Hei-chan off. He's never cared for that sort of talk."

"Right?" Kazuha said. "That's why there's no way I can call him here."

"Then, you did let him know about the case, didn't you?" Otaki asked.

"Of course I did!" Kazuha quickly promised him. "When he figures it out, I promise I'll tell ya everythin', Otaki-han, so don't worry about it so much!"

"No, I wouldn't say I'm worried, but..." Otaki trailed off, trying not to let his frown show on his face. He couldn't help but find it strange that although Kazuha had said she'd told Heiji about the case, that he actually wasn't coming here in person. In the past, when such a thing happened, he would usually come rushing right over.

...so why wasn't he now? He saw no reason for Kazuha to lie to him, but...

Something was strange here. Now that he thought about it, there was something about the way Kazuha was turning over the crime scene that almost reminded him of Heiji- but perhaps it was merely the effect of having spent so much time around him? They had, after all, grown up together since they were both very young, so it was to be expected that they would rub off on each other.

...and well, maybe it just had something to do with Kazuha's choice of a gray camo print hoodie today. In fact, he was fairly certain he'd seen that exact piece in Heiji's wardrobe before.

Though the two of them sharing clothes, mostly by accident, wasn't that unusual either. Still, thus far, Kazuha had shown a keen avoidance to camo print...

"Ah, Otaki-han!"

The shining expression in Kazuha's eyes as she broke him out of his thoughts was one he instantly recognized as her having pieced something together- though strangely, he couldn't actually recall one instance of having seen said expression on her face before.

"Come here, come here!" Kazuha told him, a bright smile on her face that seemed a bit different from her usual smile. "There's somethin' here I want ta show ya! It's real interestin'!"

There was no doubt about it- this was his victory.

It wasn't like the time with Kudo, when he had allowed himself to be mislead. He wasn't about to let something like that happen again, least of all when the person who might show him up would be an insufferable half British hack of a detective. This time, Heiji knew, that he had won this match hands down, and had the evidence to back it up to.

In fact, he was so confident, that for a time, he actually forgot that he wasn't currently Hattori Heiji, high school detective of the west, but rather, was Toyama Kazuha, his childhood friend. He allowed himself to get so carried away, that when he delivered his deduction, he completely forgot to even try and act as if he were reading a deduction off of his phone.

He'd no idea how it was that Kudo managed to do it, time after time. He'd have to ask him later.

But whatever! It would all be worth, when he saw the shocked expression on Hakuba's face, as he got shown up by the very girl that he had been babying earlier. He didn't seem as if he would be the type to take it that-

-why was he looking at him like that? It was kind of creepy.

"I see. Truly, I have misjudged you, Toyama-san." Seriously, what was with that grin? Did he secretly have some kind of part time job as a host or something like that? What a scandal that would be.

"Oh, looks like ya can be right about some things." Heiji noted, folding his arms in front of his chest, allowing for a smug expression, even if it felt a bit forced. There was something in this guy's tone that he didn't quite like. "Well, ya know what they say about broken clocks an' all that."

He twitched at that comment, though he tried to cover it up. Figures the guy who had been so exact done to the second would be annoyed when someone compared him to a broken timepiece. He'd have to remember that for future reference- though, hopefully, it would be reference that was unneeded.

If he never saw Hakuba again, it would be too soon!

"I can assure you, I drew much the same conclusion as you did, Toyama-san." Hakuba stated, placing a hand over his chest. "I simply lacked the evidence to prove it, which you beat me to finding. But it was splendid, your deduction."

Your... ah, crap, in hindsight, he should probably do something about that, shouldn't he? He couldn't imagine that Kazuha would care that much for getting a reputation as a detective once they switched back- which would hopefully be very soon, if his current plan worked out the way that he hoped.

"No, no, I really can't claim that much credit fer it." Heiji said, his gut churning just saying that. It was weird to be upset about it, seeing as he was basically giving himself the credit, but as long as he wasn't the one in his own body, it still kind of sucked. "Like I said, I told Heiji about the case. I just did the legwork fer him."

...crap, he didn't seem convinced. Come to think of it, Otaki had been treating him a bit oddly throughout the case too- and he was watching him even now. He'd have to do something about that too, before things got even more complicated. The last thing he wanted was for word to get back to his father through him- or for that matter, Kazuha's father.

Out of the two, the one he was more afraid of was the latter.

"I believe you did more than just that, Toyama-san." For a moment, Heiji could have sworn he intended to take his hand again, but thankfully, it would seem that he thought better of it. "If you don't mind, I would very much like to invite you to tea, so that we might speak more at length."

And that was right about when Heiji's brain ground to a complete halt. Because while he had been accused of being dense, at the very least, he had confidence that he could tell when it was that people were hitting on him.

And right now, he was definitely being hit on.

By Hakuba Saguru.

Who he couldn't stand.

Not to mention, he was already in love with someone! The reason why he had come to this place in the first place was to work out a strategy to confess to them! And even if that wasn't the case, just because he liked boys too, didn't mean that he didn't have standards- standards that Hakuba very much did not measure up to.

"Tea?" Heiji asked, taking half a step back, wondering how it was that Kazuha dealt with these kind of advances. He hadn't thought to ask. "I don't even know ya that well, Hakuba."

"I would very much like to get the chance to know you a bit better, Toyama-san." Hakuba said, taking a step forward to his step back. Some detective this guy was, if he couldn't even read his body language. "Hence my invitation."

This guy wasn't going to get the point unless he flatly told him otherwise, was he?

"Sorry, but no." Heiji stated simply. "I'm not interested."

And so help him, if he didn't take no for an answer, he was going to find another use for this purse Kazuha had him lugging around. He was going to make it his personal mission to find her some pants that had actual pockets, before this all was over.

"Ah, well then..." Hakuba, perhaps sensing danger, wisely drew back. "...that's fair, I suppose. Do pardon me if I came off as overbearing."

"Ya did." Heiji said frankly, arching a brow. "So much fer bein' a detective, when ya can't even read a girl's body language."

He flinched at that- and good, he'd better. With that out of the way, Heiji pivoted on his heel, still fighting the vague urge to use one of the umbrellas in the stand as an improvised bokken. It might blow his identity in one fell swoop, but man, would it be worth it.

"Anyways, I have plans, so I leave the rest of this ta you, Otaki-han!" With a wave of his hand, Heiji made a wise decision of his own- namely that it was time to make like a leaf, and well, leave.

As for the strange look that Otaki was giving him on the way out, well... he'd deal with that later. Provided he needed to. No matter what, he was going to have this confession plan go off without a hitch!

...or well, as much as it could, given that he was confessing to the girl he loved while he was in her own body. In that sense, he'd basically already failed step one.