The Vampire Boyfriend
A Seinfeld fan's script 2003
BY PJAZZ
STANDUP ROUTINE
You never see a vampire who's a total slob. Did you ever notice that? They're always smartly dressed. Satin lined jacket, cape, hair neat. You never saw Bela Lugosi in chinos, scuffed reeboks and a Mets vest. Wearing a baseball cap back to front and smoking a stoogie. For the undead they're very fashion consious. And the women vampires. Always in diaphonous gowns, showing plenty of cleavage, hair beautifully styled. Basically what they're saying is - ok so we're evil bloodsucking fiends damned to walk the earth for all of eternity. But hey, we have a feminine side. We moisturise. We like to look our best.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
D'you suppose Superman ever used his X ray vision to spy on girls?
JERRY
He's superman, not Super george.
GEORGE
How about Superboy? A teenager in Smallville with all those hormones raging?
You telling me he didn't peek? Oh he peeked.
JERRY
Remember X ray spex advertised inside the comic?
GEORGE
Total conjob. I wasted 5 bucks on them. Lot of money when you're 12.
JERRY
If they actually worked every man in the country would have them.
Women would have to wear lead lined underwear.
GEORGE
I bought a pair to spy on Ruthie Finkelstein. Remember her?
Her mother caught me staring and gave me such a pounding.
JERRY
Ruthie Finkelstein. Big girl. Early developer.
GEORGE
Big, big girl. I think she hit puberty in kindergarten.
JERRY
I wonder what happened to her?
GEORGE
Probably making a fortune in porno.
ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey, Elaine. When did you....you know. (MIMES BREASTS)
ELAINE
What? Wash my hands?
GEORGE
No. Develop breasts.
ELAINE
13-ish. How about you?
JERRY
Good one.
GEORGE
Very funny. I'll have you know, Elaine, that I can still fit into clothes
I bought 6 months ago.
ELAINE
What about clothes you bought 6 years ago?
GEORGE
Hey, we're not talking miracles here.
JERRY
I'm the same size I was in high school.
GEORGE
Now that's abnormal. Isn't that abnormal, Elaine?
ELAINE
What d'you expect? All he eats is cereal.
JERRY
It has all the essential vitamins. Plus added riboflavin.
GEORGE
Riboflavin. Whoopeedoo.
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER AND NEWMAN ENTER.
JERRY
Kramer. Newman. What d'you want?
KRAMER
We've come to warn Elaine. Before it's too late.
ELAINE
Warn me? Too late for what?
NEWMAN
Your boyfriend, Morgan.
ELAINE
Morgan? What about Morgan? He's not in an accident is he?
KRAMER
He's a vampire.
JERRY
What?
NEWMAN
A fiend of the Night!
KRAMER
The undead, Jerry. A bloodsucker.
JERRY
Have you two completely lost your minds?
ELAINE
There's no such thing as vampires.
GEORGE
Not even in New York.
JERRY
They're a myth. Like your intelligence.
KRAMER
We have it on the highest authority.Morgan is a vampire.
JERRY
What high authority?
NEWMAN
The US Postal Service.
JERRY
Oh this is gonna be good.
NEWMAN
This guy is on my route. He's never in to sign for his packages.
ELAINE
So? He's at work all day.
KRAMER
Is he, Elaine? Or is he resting in coffin in the family crypt waiting for the sun to set.
ELAINE
What crypt? He lives in a duplex on the upper west side.
NEWMAN
I delivered a package once. From Europe. It contained - soil.
KRAMER
Vampires have to sleep on their native soil. In the coffin.I saw it in a movie.
ELAINE
You opened Morgan's mail? Who gave you the right?
NEWMAN
The US Postal Service. Plus we do it all the time.
You never know when you might find porn.
KRAMER
Tell me this, Elaine. Have you ever seen Morgan during the day?
ELAINE
Well, No. But only because we're both at work.
We were going to the zoo last weekend, but he had to cancel.
KRAMER
Ah ha!
JERRY
Will you crackpots get out of my apartment!
KRAMER
Oh we're going. But I warn you, Jerry.
If Morgan bites Elaine she becomes a creature of the night.
And if she bites you - pow! - no more sunbathing for you, buddy.
NEWMAN
Beware, Elaine. Beware!
JERRY SHUTS THE DOOR
JERRY
Can you believe those two idiots? Vampires.
GEORGE
You never see an overweight vampire, ever notice that? Or a bald one.
JERRY
I guess that lets you out.
ELAINE
Morgan a vampire. I never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.
INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT. ELAINE AND MORGAN. MORGAN IS TALL AND HANDSOME.
HE'S WEARING A CAPE.
WAITER
May I take your cape, sir?
MORGAN
Yes. Thank you.
ELAINE
Wow. A cape. I don't think I've been out with someone who wore a cape before.
Isn't it a little unusual?
MORGAN
It's a family trait. My father wears a cape. Even my great grandfather wears a cape.
ELAINE
Your great grandfather? Is he still alive?
MORGAN
Oh yes. We're a very long lived family.
ELAINE
Ri-ght.
WAITER ARRIVES TO TAKE ORDER.
MORGAN
I'll have the steak. Very, very rare.
So rare the blood's still fresh in the veins. Haha!
ELAINE LAUGHS UNEASILY
WAITER
And for madam?
ELAINE
I'll have the goulash. With extra garlic. Really love my garlic. Haha!
MORGAN LAUGHS UNEASILY
WAITER EXITS
ELAINE
Ouch! The menu gave me a paper cut.
MORGAN
You're bleeding. Here. Let me.
MORGAN TAKES ELAINE'S FINGER AND SUCKS THE BLOOD OFF.
MORGAN
Hmm! You're delicious, Elaine. I can't wait to taste more of you.
ELAINE
Little old me? No, no. Just plain old O neg running through these veins.
Now my friend Jerry's AB positive. The rarest type you can get.
I'm sure he'd be much tastier than me.
MORGAN
Haha! I'll try and remember that.
CUT TO
EXT. NIGHT. OUTSIDE ELAINE'S APARTMENT BUILDING. ELAINE AND MORGAN.
MORGAN
It's been a wonderful evening, Elaine.
ELAINE
Yeah. It's been...something.
MORGAN LEANS IN TO KISS ELAINE BUT RECOILS FROM THE GARLIC ON HER BREATH.
INSTEAD HE SMOOCHS ON HER EXPOSED NECK.
CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S SHOCKED EXPRESSION.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY.
THE DOOR OPENS. ELAINE ENTERS. SHE HAS A VISIBLE HICKEY ON HER NECK.
JERRY
Well well. If it isn't the bride of Dracula. How was your date with the Count?
ELAINE
Let me put it this way. He wears a cape. Likes his meat raw.
Loves the taste of my blood.
And his family live forever.
Ringing any bells?
JERRY
What's that on your neck? Is that a hickey?
ELAINE
Yeah. That's another thing. Morgan didn't kiss me on the lips.
JERRY
I'm not surprised. You reek, Elaine. Garlic. Use a mouthwash.
ELAINE
Quit bugging me about the garlic.
JERRY
you actually believe Kramer and Newman's vampire nonsense?
ELAINE
Jerry, when Morgan left I went up to my apartment and pulled the drapes.
Outside the window I saw a bat. Flying west.
JERRY
You think it was Morgan? I guess being a bat would save on cab fares.
ELAINE
It's not funny, Jerry. I can't become a vampire. I just can't.
I'm not a nocturnal person. Mr. Peterman would never let me work nights.
And the sallow complexion. My God, the sallow complexion. I need my rays.
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A LARGE CRUCIFIX HANGING ROUND HIS NECK.
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, can I borrow--- (SPOTS ELAINE) Jerry, Elaine's neck! Vampire bite!
JERRY
You idiot. It's a hickey.
KRAMER
Back! Get back! Foul fiend!
KRAMER PUSHES THE CRUCIFIX IN ELAINE'S FACE.
ELAINE
Ow! Kramer, that hit me!
KRAMER
See, Jerry. She recoiled from the cross. Vampires fear the cross.
ELAINE
Of course I recoiled. You hit me right in the face, you doofus.
KRAMER
You keep her here. I'll get a priest.
KRAMER EXITS
ELAINE
Never mind the priest. Bring a psychiatrist!
EXT. DAY. NYC STREET. GEORGE IS AT A NEWSTAND FLICKING THROUGH THE MAGAZINES.
RUTHIE FINKELSTEIN AND HER MOTHER APPROACH.
RUTHIE
George? George Costanza? It is you.
GEORGE
Ruthie Finkelstein?
DISSOLVE TO __
***FLASHBACK
***12 YEAR OLD GEORGE IS STARING AT A 12 YEAR OLD RUTHIE.
***RUTHIE
***Mommie! George Costanza is looking at me funny!
***MRS FINKELSTEIN
***Stop staring at my daughter! You wicked, wicked boy!
***MRS FINKELSTEIN HITS GEORGE WITH HER WALKING STICK.
DISSOLVE TO PRESENT DAY.
GEORGE IS STARING AT RUTHIE
RUTHIE
Ma! George Costanza's looking at me funny!
MRS FINKELSTEIN
Stop staring at my daughter! You wicked, wicked man!
MRS FINKELSTEIN HITS GEORGE WITH HER WALKING STICK.
INT. DAY. MONK'S. JERRY IN A BOOTH.
GEORGE ENTERS. HIS HAIR IS MUSSED, TIE AND COLLAR ASKEW.
THERE'S A LARGE PURPLE BRUISE ON HIS NECK.
GEORGE SITS OPPOSITE JERRY.
JERRY
What the hell happened to you?
GEORGE
I ran into Ruthie Finkelstein. Her mother caught me.
JERRY
Caught you? Doing what?
GEORGE
I think I ogled.
JERRY
Ogled? Are you sure?
GEORGE
It might have been an appreciative look. I'm not sure. It happened so fast.
JERRY
Tell me this. Did your eyes bug out?
GEORGE
Maybe. A little.
JERRY
Did you suffer tunnel vision?
GEORGE
Yes. Severe tunnel vision.
JERRY
Hmm. How about tongue lolling? Was there any tongue lollage?
GEORGE
They may have been some inadvertant tongue lolling. But definitely no dribbling.
JERRY
Then you, my friend, ogled.
GEORGE
Ok.Ok. I ogled. Anyone would ogle, Jerry. Ruthie Finkelstein's bosom is like
the Great Wall of China. You could see it from outer space.
JERRY
Wow.
GEORGE
Her mother whacked me with her walking stick. It was deja vu all over again.
JERRY
Dangerous thing a woman's bosom. A principal cause of traffic accidents.
'I don't know what happened, officer. I was driving along, doing a steady 30,
when suddenly a woman appeared out of nowhere. Double-ds.
Next thing I know my fender's wrapped round a hydrant.'
GEORGE
It's the jiggle. I think I could resist if it wasn't for the jiggle.
WOMAN WALKS PAST THE BOOTH
JERRY/GEORGE
The jiggle.
KRAMER ENTERS
KRAMER
Hey amigos! George, what's that on your neck?
GEORGE
My neck?
KRAMER
Morgan bit you as well!
JERRY
Kramer---
KRAMER
It's just you and me left now, Jerry!
KRAMER EXITS
GEORGE
What's with Kramer?
JERRY
He's still got this crazy idea in his head Morgan's a vampire.
He's even got Elaine spooked.
GEORGE
You know, being a vampire wouldn't be such a bad life.
JERRY
Death. They're the undead.
GEORGE
Whatever. No job, do nothing but drink and sleep.
Chow down on any beautiful woman's neck takes your fancy.
Even dead they lead a better life than I do.
JERRY
I don't see you as a vampire.
GEORGE
You don't? Why not?
JERRY
You don't seem the type.
GEORGE
Cause I'm short, bald and carrying a few extra pounds?
Well let me tell you something, my friend. I could be a vampire.
I could suck blood, baby. Not the type? You just try me!
GEORGE EXITS
EXT. NIGHT. CAB. ELAINE AND MORGAN.
IT'S A STORMY NIGHT. LIGHTNING, THUNDER, ETC.
CAB DRIVER
Where to?
MORGAN
To the castle.
ELAINE
The...the castle?
MORGAN
Castle Apartment building. Upper West side. Where I live.
ELAINE
Ah.
MORGAN
It's certainly a wild and stormy night. I enjoy a good storm.
Makes the blood sing in the veins. Don't you think, Elaine?
ELAINE
Ri-ght. Sing. In the veins.
MORGAN
And it's a full moon. A Hunter's moon.
ELAINE
Why is it called a Hunter's moon?
MORGAN
Because a full moon makes it easier for predators to stalk their prey.
They bide their time, then when the prey least expects it they...pounce!
ELAINE JUMPS NERVOUSLY.
MORGAN
Hahaha!
ELAINE
(FEEBLY) Hahaha.
CUT TO
INT. NIGHT. MORGAN'S APARTMENT.
MORGAN OPENS THE DOOR AND TRIES THE LIGHT, WHICH FAILS.
MORGAN
Damn. The storm must have knocked out the power. I'll get a torch.
ELAINE ENTERS THE APARTMENT. SHE STUMBLES BLINDLY AGAISNT A LARGE WOODEN CASE.
THE LID FALLS OFF. THERE IS SOIL INSIDE.
ELAINE
Omigod! Morgan's coffin. Kramer was right. He's a vamp---
ELAINE FAINTS.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY, KRAMER AND NEWMAN.
IT'S THE NEXT DAY. JERRY IS RECOUNTING ELAINE'S STORY.
KRAMER
I knew it! Morgan's a vampire. Go on, Jerry. What happened next?
NEWMAN
Did the vile creature drink deep of Elaine's blood? Is Elaine now.. undead?
Did that foul fiend have his way with her?
JERRY
If you two idiots would shut up and let me finish.
According to Elaine, when she came to the power was back on.
She saw that what she thought was Morgan's coffin was actually a potting box.
KRAMER
A potting box?
JERRY
For orchids. Turns out Morgan grows exotic orchids as a hobby.
That was what Newman found when he opened the parcel.
Special compost for orchids.
KRAMER
So he's not a vampire?
JERRY
He's a commodity broker on Wall Street.
NEWMAN
And Elaine is perfectly fine?
JERRY
Not quite. When Kramer hit her in the face with the crucifix she chipped a tooth.
She's at the dentist now getting it fixed.
NEWMAN
Ah well. Win some lose some.(HEADS TO THE DOOR)
Y'know, there's a werewolf lives in a loft apartment on East 23rd Street.
JERRY
Goodbye Newman.
JERRY SHUTS THE DOOR.
KRAMER
Oh man. I feel bad about Elaine. It's all my fault, Jerry.
I'm gonna go over there to her apartment and apologise.
JERRY
Good for you.
KRAMER
Be a pal and loan me some bucks for the cab.
INT. DAY. DENTIST'S SURGERY. ELAINE IN THE CHAIR.
DENTIST
This won't take long, Miss Benes. Just need to inject a little novocaine.
ELAINE
Ugh. I hate novocaine shots.
They make my mouth go all numb and I end up dribbling like a baby.
Do you have to?
DENTIST
Well, I could drill into the exposed nerve.
But without novocaine it will be extremly painful.
ELAINE
(HASTILY) Gimme the shot.
INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.
ELAINE IS IN A WHITE NIGHTDRESS, RELAXING IN FRONT OF THE TV.
SHE'S DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF RED WINE.
THE NOVOCAINE SHOT CAUSES HER TO DRIBBLE RED WINE DOWN HER CHIN AND STAIN HER NIGHTDRESS. SHE'S UNAWARE OF THIS.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
ELAINE OPENS IT. OUTSIDE IS KRAMER.
KRAMER
Hi Elaine. Just come over to say---- What's that down your chin?
ELAINE DRIBBLES RED WINE TRYING TO SPEAK.
KRAMER
Whoa! That's blood! You're a vampire!
KRAMER TURNS AND RUNS.
*********************************SCENE FREEZES********************************
********************************MUSIC PLAYS***********************************
*******************************CREDITS ROLL*******************************
*********************************THE END*************************************
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A Seinfeld fan's script 2003
BY PJAZZ
STANDUP ROUTINE
You never see a vampire who's a total slob. Did you ever notice that? They're always smartly dressed. Satin lined jacket, cape, hair neat. You never saw Bela Lugosi in chinos, scuffed reeboks and a Mets vest. Wearing a baseball cap back to front and smoking a stoogie. For the undead they're very fashion consious. And the women vampires. Always in diaphonous gowns, showing plenty of cleavage, hair beautifully styled. Basically what they're saying is - ok so we're evil bloodsucking fiends damned to walk the earth for all of eternity. But hey, we have a feminine side. We moisturise. We like to look our best.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
D'you suppose Superman ever used his X ray vision to spy on girls?
JERRY
He's superman, not Super george.
GEORGE
How about Superboy? A teenager in Smallville with all those hormones raging?
You telling me he didn't peek? Oh he peeked.
JERRY
Remember X ray spex advertised inside the comic?
GEORGE
Total conjob. I wasted 5 bucks on them. Lot of money when you're 12.
JERRY
If they actually worked every man in the country would have them.
Women would have to wear lead lined underwear.
GEORGE
I bought a pair to spy on Ruthie Finkelstein. Remember her?
Her mother caught me staring and gave me such a pounding.
JERRY
Ruthie Finkelstein. Big girl. Early developer.
GEORGE
Big, big girl. I think she hit puberty in kindergarten.
JERRY
I wonder what happened to her?
GEORGE
Probably making a fortune in porno.
ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey, Elaine. When did you....you know. (MIMES BREASTS)
ELAINE
What? Wash my hands?
GEORGE
No. Develop breasts.
ELAINE
13-ish. How about you?
JERRY
Good one.
GEORGE
Very funny. I'll have you know, Elaine, that I can still fit into clothes
I bought 6 months ago.
ELAINE
What about clothes you bought 6 years ago?
GEORGE
Hey, we're not talking miracles here.
JERRY
I'm the same size I was in high school.
GEORGE
Now that's abnormal. Isn't that abnormal, Elaine?
ELAINE
What d'you expect? All he eats is cereal.
JERRY
It has all the essential vitamins. Plus added riboflavin.
GEORGE
Riboflavin. Whoopeedoo.
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER AND NEWMAN ENTER.
JERRY
Kramer. Newman. What d'you want?
KRAMER
We've come to warn Elaine. Before it's too late.
ELAINE
Warn me? Too late for what?
NEWMAN
Your boyfriend, Morgan.
ELAINE
Morgan? What about Morgan? He's not in an accident is he?
KRAMER
He's a vampire.
JERRY
What?
NEWMAN
A fiend of the Night!
KRAMER
The undead, Jerry. A bloodsucker.
JERRY
Have you two completely lost your minds?
ELAINE
There's no such thing as vampires.
GEORGE
Not even in New York.
JERRY
They're a myth. Like your intelligence.
KRAMER
We have it on the highest authority.Morgan is a vampire.
JERRY
What high authority?
NEWMAN
The US Postal Service.
JERRY
Oh this is gonna be good.
NEWMAN
This guy is on my route. He's never in to sign for his packages.
ELAINE
So? He's at work all day.
KRAMER
Is he, Elaine? Or is he resting in coffin in the family crypt waiting for the sun to set.
ELAINE
What crypt? He lives in a duplex on the upper west side.
NEWMAN
I delivered a package once. From Europe. It contained - soil.
KRAMER
Vampires have to sleep on their native soil. In the coffin.I saw it in a movie.
ELAINE
You opened Morgan's mail? Who gave you the right?
NEWMAN
The US Postal Service. Plus we do it all the time.
You never know when you might find porn.
KRAMER
Tell me this, Elaine. Have you ever seen Morgan during the day?
ELAINE
Well, No. But only because we're both at work.
We were going to the zoo last weekend, but he had to cancel.
KRAMER
Ah ha!
JERRY
Will you crackpots get out of my apartment!
KRAMER
Oh we're going. But I warn you, Jerry.
If Morgan bites Elaine she becomes a creature of the night.
And if she bites you - pow! - no more sunbathing for you, buddy.
NEWMAN
Beware, Elaine. Beware!
JERRY SHUTS THE DOOR
JERRY
Can you believe those two idiots? Vampires.
GEORGE
You never see an overweight vampire, ever notice that? Or a bald one.
JERRY
I guess that lets you out.
ELAINE
Morgan a vampire. I never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.
INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT. ELAINE AND MORGAN. MORGAN IS TALL AND HANDSOME.
HE'S WEARING A CAPE.
WAITER
May I take your cape, sir?
MORGAN
Yes. Thank you.
ELAINE
Wow. A cape. I don't think I've been out with someone who wore a cape before.
Isn't it a little unusual?
MORGAN
It's a family trait. My father wears a cape. Even my great grandfather wears a cape.
ELAINE
Your great grandfather? Is he still alive?
MORGAN
Oh yes. We're a very long lived family.
ELAINE
Ri-ght.
WAITER ARRIVES TO TAKE ORDER.
MORGAN
I'll have the steak. Very, very rare.
So rare the blood's still fresh in the veins. Haha!
ELAINE LAUGHS UNEASILY
WAITER
And for madam?
ELAINE
I'll have the goulash. With extra garlic. Really love my garlic. Haha!
MORGAN LAUGHS UNEASILY
WAITER EXITS
ELAINE
Ouch! The menu gave me a paper cut.
MORGAN
You're bleeding. Here. Let me.
MORGAN TAKES ELAINE'S FINGER AND SUCKS THE BLOOD OFF.
MORGAN
Hmm! You're delicious, Elaine. I can't wait to taste more of you.
ELAINE
Little old me? No, no. Just plain old O neg running through these veins.
Now my friend Jerry's AB positive. The rarest type you can get.
I'm sure he'd be much tastier than me.
MORGAN
Haha! I'll try and remember that.
CUT TO
EXT. NIGHT. OUTSIDE ELAINE'S APARTMENT BUILDING. ELAINE AND MORGAN.
MORGAN
It's been a wonderful evening, Elaine.
ELAINE
Yeah. It's been...something.
MORGAN LEANS IN TO KISS ELAINE BUT RECOILS FROM THE GARLIC ON HER BREATH.
INSTEAD HE SMOOCHS ON HER EXPOSED NECK.
CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S SHOCKED EXPRESSION.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY.
THE DOOR OPENS. ELAINE ENTERS. SHE HAS A VISIBLE HICKEY ON HER NECK.
JERRY
Well well. If it isn't the bride of Dracula. How was your date with the Count?
ELAINE
Let me put it this way. He wears a cape. Likes his meat raw.
Loves the taste of my blood.
And his family live forever.
Ringing any bells?
JERRY
What's that on your neck? Is that a hickey?
ELAINE
Yeah. That's another thing. Morgan didn't kiss me on the lips.
JERRY
I'm not surprised. You reek, Elaine. Garlic. Use a mouthwash.
ELAINE
Quit bugging me about the garlic.
JERRY
you actually believe Kramer and Newman's vampire nonsense?
ELAINE
Jerry, when Morgan left I went up to my apartment and pulled the drapes.
Outside the window I saw a bat. Flying west.
JERRY
You think it was Morgan? I guess being a bat would save on cab fares.
ELAINE
It's not funny, Jerry. I can't become a vampire. I just can't.
I'm not a nocturnal person. Mr. Peterman would never let me work nights.
And the sallow complexion. My God, the sallow complexion. I need my rays.
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A LARGE CRUCIFIX HANGING ROUND HIS NECK.
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, can I borrow--- (SPOTS ELAINE) Jerry, Elaine's neck! Vampire bite!
JERRY
You idiot. It's a hickey.
KRAMER
Back! Get back! Foul fiend!
KRAMER PUSHES THE CRUCIFIX IN ELAINE'S FACE.
ELAINE
Ow! Kramer, that hit me!
KRAMER
See, Jerry. She recoiled from the cross. Vampires fear the cross.
ELAINE
Of course I recoiled. You hit me right in the face, you doofus.
KRAMER
You keep her here. I'll get a priest.
KRAMER EXITS
ELAINE
Never mind the priest. Bring a psychiatrist!
EXT. DAY. NYC STREET. GEORGE IS AT A NEWSTAND FLICKING THROUGH THE MAGAZINES.
RUTHIE FINKELSTEIN AND HER MOTHER APPROACH.
RUTHIE
George? George Costanza? It is you.
GEORGE
Ruthie Finkelstein?
DISSOLVE TO __
***FLASHBACK
***12 YEAR OLD GEORGE IS STARING AT A 12 YEAR OLD RUTHIE.
***RUTHIE
***Mommie! George Costanza is looking at me funny!
***MRS FINKELSTEIN
***Stop staring at my daughter! You wicked, wicked boy!
***MRS FINKELSTEIN HITS GEORGE WITH HER WALKING STICK.
DISSOLVE TO PRESENT DAY.
GEORGE IS STARING AT RUTHIE
RUTHIE
Ma! George Costanza's looking at me funny!
MRS FINKELSTEIN
Stop staring at my daughter! You wicked, wicked man!
MRS FINKELSTEIN HITS GEORGE WITH HER WALKING STICK.
INT. DAY. MONK'S. JERRY IN A BOOTH.
GEORGE ENTERS. HIS HAIR IS MUSSED, TIE AND COLLAR ASKEW.
THERE'S A LARGE PURPLE BRUISE ON HIS NECK.
GEORGE SITS OPPOSITE JERRY.
JERRY
What the hell happened to you?
GEORGE
I ran into Ruthie Finkelstein. Her mother caught me.
JERRY
Caught you? Doing what?
GEORGE
I think I ogled.
JERRY
Ogled? Are you sure?
GEORGE
It might have been an appreciative look. I'm not sure. It happened so fast.
JERRY
Tell me this. Did your eyes bug out?
GEORGE
Maybe. A little.
JERRY
Did you suffer tunnel vision?
GEORGE
Yes. Severe tunnel vision.
JERRY
Hmm. How about tongue lolling? Was there any tongue lollage?
GEORGE
They may have been some inadvertant tongue lolling. But definitely no dribbling.
JERRY
Then you, my friend, ogled.
GEORGE
Ok.Ok. I ogled. Anyone would ogle, Jerry. Ruthie Finkelstein's bosom is like
the Great Wall of China. You could see it from outer space.
JERRY
Wow.
GEORGE
Her mother whacked me with her walking stick. It was deja vu all over again.
JERRY
Dangerous thing a woman's bosom. A principal cause of traffic accidents.
'I don't know what happened, officer. I was driving along, doing a steady 30,
when suddenly a woman appeared out of nowhere. Double-ds.
Next thing I know my fender's wrapped round a hydrant.'
GEORGE
It's the jiggle. I think I could resist if it wasn't for the jiggle.
WOMAN WALKS PAST THE BOOTH
JERRY/GEORGE
The jiggle.
KRAMER ENTERS
KRAMER
Hey amigos! George, what's that on your neck?
GEORGE
My neck?
KRAMER
Morgan bit you as well!
JERRY
Kramer---
KRAMER
It's just you and me left now, Jerry!
KRAMER EXITS
GEORGE
What's with Kramer?
JERRY
He's still got this crazy idea in his head Morgan's a vampire.
He's even got Elaine spooked.
GEORGE
You know, being a vampire wouldn't be such a bad life.
JERRY
Death. They're the undead.
GEORGE
Whatever. No job, do nothing but drink and sleep.
Chow down on any beautiful woman's neck takes your fancy.
Even dead they lead a better life than I do.
JERRY
I don't see you as a vampire.
GEORGE
You don't? Why not?
JERRY
You don't seem the type.
GEORGE
Cause I'm short, bald and carrying a few extra pounds?
Well let me tell you something, my friend. I could be a vampire.
I could suck blood, baby. Not the type? You just try me!
GEORGE EXITS
EXT. NIGHT. CAB. ELAINE AND MORGAN.
IT'S A STORMY NIGHT. LIGHTNING, THUNDER, ETC.
CAB DRIVER
Where to?
MORGAN
To the castle.
ELAINE
The...the castle?
MORGAN
Castle Apartment building. Upper West side. Where I live.
ELAINE
Ah.
MORGAN
It's certainly a wild and stormy night. I enjoy a good storm.
Makes the blood sing in the veins. Don't you think, Elaine?
ELAINE
Ri-ght. Sing. In the veins.
MORGAN
And it's a full moon. A Hunter's moon.
ELAINE
Why is it called a Hunter's moon?
MORGAN
Because a full moon makes it easier for predators to stalk their prey.
They bide their time, then when the prey least expects it they...pounce!
ELAINE JUMPS NERVOUSLY.
MORGAN
Hahaha!
ELAINE
(FEEBLY) Hahaha.
CUT TO
INT. NIGHT. MORGAN'S APARTMENT.
MORGAN OPENS THE DOOR AND TRIES THE LIGHT, WHICH FAILS.
MORGAN
Damn. The storm must have knocked out the power. I'll get a torch.
ELAINE ENTERS THE APARTMENT. SHE STUMBLES BLINDLY AGAISNT A LARGE WOODEN CASE.
THE LID FALLS OFF. THERE IS SOIL INSIDE.
ELAINE
Omigod! Morgan's coffin. Kramer was right. He's a vamp---
ELAINE FAINTS.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY, KRAMER AND NEWMAN.
IT'S THE NEXT DAY. JERRY IS RECOUNTING ELAINE'S STORY.
KRAMER
I knew it! Morgan's a vampire. Go on, Jerry. What happened next?
NEWMAN
Did the vile creature drink deep of Elaine's blood? Is Elaine now.. undead?
Did that foul fiend have his way with her?
JERRY
If you two idiots would shut up and let me finish.
According to Elaine, when she came to the power was back on.
She saw that what she thought was Morgan's coffin was actually a potting box.
KRAMER
A potting box?
JERRY
For orchids. Turns out Morgan grows exotic orchids as a hobby.
That was what Newman found when he opened the parcel.
Special compost for orchids.
KRAMER
So he's not a vampire?
JERRY
He's a commodity broker on Wall Street.
NEWMAN
And Elaine is perfectly fine?
JERRY
Not quite. When Kramer hit her in the face with the crucifix she chipped a tooth.
She's at the dentist now getting it fixed.
NEWMAN
Ah well. Win some lose some.(HEADS TO THE DOOR)
Y'know, there's a werewolf lives in a loft apartment on East 23rd Street.
JERRY
Goodbye Newman.
JERRY SHUTS THE DOOR.
KRAMER
Oh man. I feel bad about Elaine. It's all my fault, Jerry.
I'm gonna go over there to her apartment and apologise.
JERRY
Good for you.
KRAMER
Be a pal and loan me some bucks for the cab.
INT. DAY. DENTIST'S SURGERY. ELAINE IN THE CHAIR.
DENTIST
This won't take long, Miss Benes. Just need to inject a little novocaine.
ELAINE
Ugh. I hate novocaine shots.
They make my mouth go all numb and I end up dribbling like a baby.
Do you have to?
DENTIST
Well, I could drill into the exposed nerve.
But without novocaine it will be extremly painful.
ELAINE
(HASTILY) Gimme the shot.
INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.
ELAINE IS IN A WHITE NIGHTDRESS, RELAXING IN FRONT OF THE TV.
SHE'S DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF RED WINE.
THE NOVOCAINE SHOT CAUSES HER TO DRIBBLE RED WINE DOWN HER CHIN AND STAIN HER NIGHTDRESS. SHE'S UNAWARE OF THIS.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
ELAINE OPENS IT. OUTSIDE IS KRAMER.
KRAMER
Hi Elaine. Just come over to say---- What's that down your chin?
ELAINE DRIBBLES RED WINE TRYING TO SPEAK.
KRAMER
Whoa! That's blood! You're a vampire!
KRAMER TURNS AND RUNS.
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*******************************CREDITS ROLL*******************************
*********************************THE END*************************************
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