I finally decided on a universe I could add myself into without being a Mary-sue. It's Vandread!

GENDER POLITICS HO!

Just as a note, the spelling for worlds and names is completely inconsistent. Paksis is sometimes spelled paxis or paeksis or whatever. I'm going to use what I remember being correct from my first time watching it.

Waking up here was the oddest thing.

I've always imagined entering an anime, becoming one of the main characters and swooping in to save the girl. You might say I had eighth-grade syndrome, and I had it bad.

Of course, any time I put myself in that situation, I was alway the hero, the cool guy with the smarts. Maybe Lelouch from Code Geass. Maybe Shirou from Log Horizon. I could be the magnificent chess master, the evil smile that makes the world a better place while simultaneously striking fear into the hearts of the masses. In fact, I had a dream recently about entering Steins;Gate and getting to time travel around.

So, the metal shelf I woke up on, covered in the slimmest of sheets, kind of threw me off. Obviously not my home, and it's not somewhere I remember. Looking around, there's lots of electrical components strewn about, much like my own room. There's a window on one wall, but looking out only lets me see another building, neon signs glowing from below. So, I'm in a city, and a big one at that.

I reach into my pocket and draw out my phone. I don't have any service, what a surprise. Not even WiFi.

"This is the last time I ever go drinking." I mutter to the empty room. That was what I had been doing. Drinking. Yes. Not the other thing.

I grab the nearest gadget on the floor and turn it over a few times. It looks like some sort of card reader. It's screwed together, and I don't see any screwdrivers sitting around. Maybe if I straightened up a bit?

After a few minutes of fumbling around, I find a few things. Not a screwdriver, but important none-the-less.

First, my messenger bag I carry with my everywhere. Next, a duffel bag with a few changes of clothes. Lastly, an ID card. It's got my face on it but the name is wrong. It reads "Hibiki Tokai."

"Hibiki... Hibiki... I know the name from somewhere." I look around the room again. "It sounds Japanese, so... an anime name?"

Of course, it's then that it hits me. I got so drunk I ended up at an anime convention! That makes sense! Now to find my costume.

Thrown into drawers haphazardly are maybe seven sets of a uniform. Orange top, made of some fire resistant material, and black pants. I slip into one set, noting how well worn the costume looks. A tan bandana completes the look.

It's not until I see myself in the mirror do I recognize the outfit, minus one blue scarf. Hibiki Tokai, protagonist of VanDread. Or as I like to call it, Gender Politics IN SPACE! I really need to watch it again.

"So... assuming this is the hotel, where is the convention?"

The entire hotel fits the whole VanDread theme as well, much more spartan than any hotel I've been to.

I grab the ID and head out of the room after checking that the ID card will unlock my door. When I reach the bottom floor, the receptionist gives me an evil eye. "Hibiki, what are you still doing here? You're supposed to be at the factory!"

I grin. "Yeah, yeah. I slept in. Where's everyone else?"

The clerk looks at me with astonishment. "Did you hit your head? GO TO WORK!"

Something's not right. I raise my hands defensively. "Okay, sorry to disturb you." I turn and walk quickly to the door leading out to the street.

The sight of the street in front of me instantly halted my movement. I am in a city, one I don't recognize. It looks dystopian. Kind of like Blade Runner.

Also, I despite the through way being crowded, I don't see any females at all.

Alarm bells start sounding in my head. Something is up.

Above me, a screen turns on. A bald man with a fu manchu appears.

"Citizens of Taraak! Today we unleash our newest weapon in our fight against the women!"

Hey, it's that general. I can't remember what his name is, but I remember he was in charge of the spaceship before the pirates captured it.

"The Ikazuchi utilizes long lost technology to bring the fight to our most hated enemy."

I tune out the rest as he spouts more of the same. Interesting how well this speech was rehearsed. The guy cosplaying as the general most have really liked the character...

My gut starts to sink. "Wait, don't tell me." Several of the passersby turn to look at me, but I pay them no heed. "I got abducted to some kind of bizarre LARP, didn't I?"

"Today, the Ikazuchi will launch, signalling the start of our righteous campaign!"

Sounds like fun- TODAY?

That means I have to be it! I'm the main character, dammit! I turn back and head up to my room, sling both my bags over my shoulder, and grab some devices that look vaguely like I could use them to gain entrance to a facility. Let's see, I need the glove, the hacker tool...

For some reason, all the signs are in Japanese. I vaguely remember the text in the show being in English, but I haven't seen the show in... two years? This city is way too complicated for me to get to the ship without directions, and if I remember correctly the whole getting to the ship part was glossed over in the anime.

Alright, I'll ask someone. I stop a random passerby, a older gentleman with a pleasant look to his face. "Sir, can you tell me how to get near to the Ikazuchi? I want to see it take off in person!"

The man scratches his beard. "Boy, I don't know who put what idea into your head, but you best get it out. For your own sake."

"Er, thanks." I back away and look around. So...

As is my habit, I pull out my phone. Still no signal. Where the hell am I that I can be in the middle of a city and still not get a signal?

I notice a large map displaying different locations. I head up to it, and it does seem to show the general area, if only I could read Japanese.

I take a snapshot of the map with my phone. If I can get someone to translate this-

Oh. I'm stupid. I have google translate on my phone, and I have the entire Japanese dictionary downloaded. Yay for being obsessed.

A few scans later and I find the general direction of the starport. I've always been good with directions, and once I had the whole language barrier problem solved, I found my way to the dock easily. Infiltration is another matter entirely though, as the Ikazuchi is understandably well guarded. I skirt the edges of the starport, easy with the crowds gathering around and allowing me to move unnoticed. Once I find the baggage area, I decide on a plan. I can drop my gear into one of the passing baggage vehicles, and use the same vehicle as cover to get closer. I wrestle with my backpack and pull out a pair of wire cutters.

Now, I just need a distraction to get a chance to cut open the fence. Fortunately, I didn't have to think one up myself. Two guys in their teens jump the fence and start running to the ship, provoking all the guards in the area. I take the opportunity to cut a gash in the fence, duck through and sling my bags into the baggage truck. The driver doesn't stop or slow down, so I must have been successful.

I follow the truck right up to where the baggage gets unloaded and climb through the cargo chute. Someone spots me, but I duck out of his sight before he can raise the alarm. Unfortunately, this ship is completely unlabeled. I have no idea of where to go. My uniform is only of a standard workers, so I can't just try to mingle with the men in the party.

Of course, I can still follow them. The Vanguard bay is supposed to be right next to the banquet hall. I stick to the many shadows created by the boxes still being loaded into the Ikazuchi. It's not long before I make it to the banquet hall.

I peek in, taking in the sight of the all-male party. Hilariously, from what little I can make out, it sounds like what my own friends and I discussed back in college. In other words, Tarak parties are frat parties. I spot both Bart and Duelo doing their own things.

Wait, I mean, cosplayers dressed as Bart and Duelo. Really convincing cosplays though.

I move to the next door down, and wet the glove, slip it on my hand and press it onto the palm reader. Unlike the original Hibiki, I managed to wet the glove properly the first time through.

I stroll through the hanger bay, eventually finding the Vanguard with the symbol carved into it's crotch. I never found out what it meant so I scan it with my phone.

"...Spoon?"

Suddenly, the ground jerked underneath me. I lose my balance and fall over, and the pressure on my back pins me to the floor.

Wh... what?

Eventually, the pressure lets up, and I get to my feet. That felt like an elevator ride from hell; way too fast.

Light floods in from the opposite end, and the Vanguards all turn to face the party, leaving me exposed.

I plaster a smile on my face. "...Hi?"

The cell is cramped. They threw me in here with all of the supplies, and I barely fit. They have some sort of high energy plasma being used as the jail bars of all things, which means it's a bit warmer in here than I'd like. The stupid robot hovers on the other side of the bars. It's not been affected by the Paksis yet, so it's nothing special.

It would be nice to be able to override it's systems to let me out.

Somehow, I'm surprisingly calm despite this whole mess. These bars, the robot... It's clear that this isn't some weird LARP. Somehow, I had ended up in every anime nerd's dream.

I need a plan.

The original Hibiki used... what did he do? He got out of the jail cell somehow.

I recognize my bags among the rest of the stuff crammed in here. At least I know where those are.

The ship rocks again, sending the small robot my direction and into the bars of my cage. The screen fries as it slips into the room.

"The attack must have started." I look around again. I need something to fry the bars... I could short some of the circuitry, probably.

I pull the snips I had used on the fence out of my pocket and open the panel, which was secured with screws. I then proceed to drag the metal end across as many different parts of the circuit as I can.

The circuit suddenly explodes as I cross two things that really shouldn't have been crossed. The snips have melted into a pile of slag in my hand from the massive current that went through them. I discard the useless tool and grab Pyoro and my bags.

I retrace my steps back towards the Vanguards, but a shutter comes down to block my path. Red strobes light the way down the path to...

Holy crap.

The Paksis is huge. Probably over a hundred feet in diameter. It's not doing anything though.

Another explosion rocks the ship and one of the walls burst open. A blue fighter comes through the wall, and the pilot ejects. She is launched in an arc...

And lands on me, bowling me over.

I open my eyes to find one of Mejare's pirates straddling me. She sits up, causing her chest to bounce, and pulls off her helmet and speaks. Not in English though, but in Japanese. So women speak Japanese, and the men speak English. Wow.

Sitting on top of me is the red haired, blue eyed Dita Liebely. She starts doing some hand gestures with an expectant look in her eyes.

Right, she wants me to copy those. I slowly copy what she did. Palm raised, flat, fist, fist, handshake?

She starts cheering and saying something else. The only part I make out is "Firsto Contacto!" in rough English.

Given I know her intentions, it's slightly less creepy than it would be otherwise, but I can see why Hibiki was terrified the first time he met the girl, not to mention all the rumors of women eating men.

Dita start saying more things, pulls out a camera and snaps a picture before I can blink. She's so energetic.

The males should be attempting to destroy this section soon, so I should find my Vanguard.

Dita has other ideas though. She grabs my arm to her chest and starts dragging me off somewhere. Before we can get far, two more of the pirates crawl out of a hole near us and start talking to Dita.

It's Meia and Jura, both in outfits that might as well be body paint.

The three girls start arguing about something, and I start taking a few steps back. I need to find that Van before the missiles hit.

Dita starts yelling and I take a look over my shoulder. She's struggling against Meia and Jura, who are trying to haul her back to her crash landed fighter. Sorry, not helping you.

Looks like everyone's in escape mode. I locate the Van just in time to throw my gear and Pyoro into the cockpit and seal myself inside. The Paksis starts pulsing, and I look up to see Dita's Dread being thrown in my direction. It slams into me, I hear a lot of mechanical whirring, and-

I see the missiles through a blue fog, and two beams of green energy lance out to smash into the missiles.

Without warning, my body feels like it's being ripped apart before I'm thrown into a blue void, falling. I hear three other voices, screaming after mine.

When I land, I land amid crystalline spikes. In the shattered reflections I see...

Wait, I see me. But that can't be me, because my eyes don't glow red, and I'm certainly not grinning right now.

The other me sprouts claws like wolverines as stalks towards me. My heart races and I quickly get to my feet to run away.

Okay, okay, this has to be the Paksis' doing. But why is it chasing me?

In one leap, it catches me.

Instead of the rending of claws, my body freezes in place.

"What are you?"

"What am I? Uh, a human."

"Human. Term for this organic being or personal name?"

"Organic being."

"What is your personal name?"

"Jer- Johnny- I mean, Hibiki Tokai."

"Why are you here? Is your objective from instinct or responsibility?"

"I don't know. I thought maybe you brought me here."

"Unable to comprehend. What is a Johnny?"

Not gonna make the rude joke.

"Your proof that you are you, what is it?"

I... proof that I am me? "I'm right here, aren't I?"

"That answer is primal, three dimensional."

The world starts to distort around me, fading to black.

I jerk awake, smacking my head into a desk.

"Ouch!"

"So you've come to." I turn to the side to see Duelo, also in handcuffs, sitting beside me with a smirk on his face. "Do you have a name, third class citizen?"

"Hibiki Tokai." Looks like I'm back in a cell. Pyoro's here too.

"You interrupted the ceremony, correct? How did you sneak in?"

"Baggage chute."

Pyoro start beeping and his screen starts displaying eyes. "Where is this? Who am I?"

"The brig, and a stupid robot." I deadpan.

"Hey! I'm not stupid! Pyoro!" His screen starts to fill up with static.

"Do you want me to see if I can fix you?" I ask.

"I'm not broken!"

Footsteps announce the presence of people before we can see them around the corner.

Leading them is BC, and there are four other guards around her. I don't remember their names, which means the were probably not that important.

I smile slightly and put on a pleasant tone. "Hello. Can you tell me what's going on?"

"I need to ask you some things." Says BC. "You're coming with us."

Duelo and I are led to the bridge, where we're sat down and told to wait under the guard of BC and two others. Meia shows up momentarily with Bart.

"What, another one?" Asks BC.

"Yes. He was hiding in the platform." Meia informs.

"Oh, comrades. Nice to see you." Bart strains to put a smile of his face. He is forcibly sat down next to us, though I notice he's not handcuffed.

"Oh my. I came here to see the prisoners, but they're all kids!" The leader of the pirates, whose name escapes me at the moment, shuffles through the door with the aid of her cane.

Pyoro starts getting all excited. "Interrogation time! I'll tell you everything!"

"Oh, how nostalgic. A navi-robot. There's still a functioning one, I see."

"What do you mean by that?" Asks Duelo.

"This is an colonization ship." says the old lady. "This was one of many ships that left a planet called Earth. Of course, that was before this was cut off. Your cowardly grandfathers took it from us and escaped."

Pyoro cuts in. "They refitted the battleship with crew quarters."

"And now we are unexpectedly back on that battleship. We'll take this ship, as that is our business. The problem is what to do with all of you."

Meia speaks up. "Let's get rid of them. The situation is unstable enough."

"No need to rush. We'll carefully consider how we want to cook them up."

I see Bart start. Duelo seems as stoic as ever. I have to choke down a laugh.

The old lady says something to BC, who relays it to somebody else. A few nervous minutes of staring at each other go by before one of the pirates hands the old lady a bowl of red jelly. I have to fight to keep a grin off my face now.

Scare tactics only work if I don't know what it is.

"Is-" I begin, but Meia raises her fist with the laser ring on it.

"Let him talk." Says the old lady.

"Is that what I think it is?" I gesture towards the jello. "If so, I want some. I've never had a chance to taste flesh before."

Everyone in earshot turns to look at me with horrified expressions. Even the old lady and Pyoro.

"What?" I look around. "What? Look, I know it's not human flesh, it's Jello. I just want to know what flavor."

"What's Jello?" Asks Bart.

The old lady sets the bowl aside, apparently having lost her appetite. "Boy, who are you?"

"Hibiki Tokai. Mechanic-"

"He's an attacker." Meia interrupts me. "I saw him climb into one of the enemy armored units."

"No, I'm a-OOF"

Bart elbows me in the stomach. I glare at him silently.

"Oh my. Tall and dark over here is a doctor, and lastly-"

BC touches a hand to her ear. "Captain, we have an emergency. It seems we're under attack."

An explosion rocks the ship, throwing the bowl of Jello to the ground.

"My snack!" Complains the captain.

The crew scatters, Meia starts ordering the Dreads out, and BC starts working on some tablet

A shriek comes from behind us, and everyone turns to look at the girl trapped under the rubble from the collapsed door.

Duelo vaults over the back of the chair, and the second security girl points her ring at him.

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor. I just want to see my patient."

Bart leans back in his seat confidently. "It looks like you need our help. It is true that we are enemies, but under these circumstances, survival must come first. Well, you know I am actually a helmsman."

Liar. I think to myself.

"Oh? You a steersman?"

"WARNING! WARNING! This guy sounds bogus!" Pyoro starts dancing around and pointing at Bart.

"You stay quiet." Chides the Captain.

"Sorry."

"So, what do you want to say?" The captain addresses Bart.

"Well, right now we can call a cease-fire. We can provide each other with what the other doesn't have; we can momentarily gather all forces, and get over this crisis. I believe that would be wise."

"I see... That's not a bad idea."

"So, we should shake on it."

The old lady bats Bart's hand away. "I have no wish to be chummy. I'll still be treating you as a prisoner."

"U-Understandable." Bart backpedals.

"It's impossible here." Duelo turns back to the captain. "I'm taking her to the medical bay."

"Alright." The old lady turns to Bart. "You, come with me to the bridge. BC, take the attacker to the warehouse."

Oh boy, real life combat.

BC leads me down a hallway. There's someone behind me, and my wrists are still cuffed.

"Er, just so you know, I'm not actually a pilot. I'm more a mechanic." I say.

"I see, then why are you here?"

Because fate decided, and I'm clueless enough to sneak aboard a doomed starship. "I got suckered into something stupid, and..."

Wait a second. Isn't this the perfect opportunity? If I can get BC alone, I can get a leg up on the situation. If I can control the vice-captains actions...

"I see. I thought the men of Tarak were a proud race, but it seems we were mistaken... Hmm?"

But if I reveal my hand here...

"Hibiki?"

"Oh, sorry. Hey, can you get these cuffs off? I can't pilot a Vanguard like this." I flash my teeth, which puts BC on edge.

She slowly grabs the remote and releases the cuffs.

"Don't worry. I'll prove my existence. Just you wait and see." I say before tearing down the hallway.

Back on the bridge, BC walks up to Magno.

"That boy is strange." BC says.

"In what way?"

"He just read my mind. I was planning on giving him a motivational speech to rouse him to fight, but he jumped right to the conclusion."

"Hmm. Is he in his armor yet?"

"I don't know. Let me see if I can get the comms working."

In the hangar, I find the mutated version of a Van with a mark on the codpiece. I clamber in and...

How the hell do I start this thing? There aren't many controls, just two pistol grip handles, one on each side.

"Oy, stupid robot. we need to get out there and save the day."

No response.

I press the buttons on top of the grips.

No response.

Okay, what do I know about this Vanguard?

1) Hibiki can pilot it.
2) It's part of the whole Paksis thing.
3) It can combine with the Dreads of Dita, Meia, and Jura

"Did I miss the start button?"

Suddenly, a cold feeling crawls down my spine. My vision goes out, replacing the interior of my Vanguard with a blue sea.

"What are you?" Says the Paksis in Pyoro's voice.

"The guy that's trying to save all of our hides." I growl. I don't have time for this.

The blue sea mottles with red. The red light feels like ice on my skin.

"Oh come on."

I figured it out.

The Paksis is a sentient being, one that reacts to fear. The reason the one Earth has is red is because it was overwhelmed by fear. The Nirvana's Paksis, however, responds primarily to hope and guts and reckless abandon, which I... can't do because I'm too logical, thinking things out. This may not go well. In fact, I may not be able to pilot this Vanguard entirely.

I take a deep breath. Calm. No point in antagonizing the large blue dimension-hopping sentient power source. "I'm sorry I'm not a lovable idiot like the real Tokai. Please, let's go. Otherwise, I can't stop your other half from rampaging across the galaxy. I'm not here to hurt you, or anyone on this ship, just... let's save people, okay?"

The red fades away slowly, and when I open my eyes, the Vanguard is powered up.

I smirk. "See? That wasn't so hard."

I feel small spike of ice enter my back. The Paksis is clearly not happy with me.

"Did you hear that?" Magno turns to BC.

"Yes. Thankfully, only us two heard it." BC copies the recent comm logs onto a external device and erases the original. "I'll interrogate him once he's back."

"Thank you, BC." Magno looks back out to the bridge. "If that boy isn't who he says he is, we may have a larger problem on our hands."

Using the Google translate app was useless. I got "spoon" which doesn't seem right. Does anyone know what it's supposed to say on Hibiki's Van's Groin?