Loners, Love, and Everything in Between

Since time immemorial, loners were always considered the outcasts of society. They are the irregulars, the abnormals, the accursed, the impure, the… hmm, yeah I know. I'm just spouting flowery words, when all in all, they mean one and same. But you did get my point right?

There is just this social stigma against loners that even upto now, in an age where same sex marriage is already accepted, still exists. In every point in life, loners are the most likely target of bullying, hate, ostracizing, et cetera et cetera. Just… why? I just don't get the logic the behind their reasoning.

I mean, okay, I get that loners are easy pickings for bullies because they (the loners) almost always never fight back. Knowing that bullies are actually just cowards who think that showing that you're tough makes people respect you when in fact it doesn't, that does seem to be a valid argument. I get that. We don't need to apply much logic to that.

What I don't get though is why society has this insatiable need to berate people who prefer to live in solitude a.k.a loners. What have loners ever done to you huh?! Have loners been actively doing harm to you? Why all this animosity towards them?! It's like just them existing is already an offense to you! JUST WHY?!

As a loner myself, I have already received plenty criticisms regarding my choice of living. Why don't you go out more? Why don't you talk to more people? Why are you always on your own? If you stay that way, you won't find yourself a wife you know?

…

What's wrong with living the loner life anyway? Why do these people have this impulsive need to make me comply to their way of living? Have I ever called them out on the way they're living?

…yeah, I probably did. B-but only mentally! I have never actually any called riajuu out on the pathetic way they're living their lives as far as I remember! Uhmm-hmm. I swear with all my Hachiman heart!

Well okay, it has been generally accepted that us humans are considered to be social animals, hence why we have societies. I understand that. But why won't they understand that there will be exceptions? Not everyone has this need of socializing. Some people are already content to be just by themselves. Why can't society accept that? Why must they always shove their ideals onto me? Let me live my own life my own way dammit!

Stupid society and their stupid mantra. OooOoohhhHh but it is every man's social responsibility to be of help to anyone. OooOooohhh it is every man's social responsibility to be able to contribute to society in whatever capacity man can. OooooHhhhh it is every man's social responsibility to interact with man's peers. OOOooooHhh it is every man's responsibility to give back to society.

Shut up. Go to hell!

…

You must be wondering 'what is this idiot talking about?' now huh? You're free to not mind me though you know? This is just one of my usual rambling sessions is all. Nothing new here really.

…

Well, it's not really nothing. I'm just occupying myself. Being a loner with a very colorful imagination, I cannot not talk to myself about anything you know? Maybe I could if I had something else to do, but right now, I don't have any other option. I'm waiting for a certain someone you see. I have this 'important' thing to talk about with this certain someone is all.

I'll be having more of these musings while I wait for this certain someone. If you can no longer handle them, feel free to leave. Who gave you permission to read into my thoughts anyway?! My thoughts are my own and you should be ashamed of yourself for digging into them! Mind your own business dammit!

…

You know the saying 'actions speak louder than words'? I find it quite ironic. Just like how words can be interpreted in a lot of ways, actions can be misinterpreted too. So, doesn't that defeat the purpose of that saying? And even if it doesn't, there are certain actions in which words are needed.

Say for example, how would you express your interest/admiration/affection for someone through your actions? Take note that this someone is not yet your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. Can you say with absolute confidence that doing such actions will 108% accurately send without fault the message to this someone? I'd say not. Not always anyways. Not even more often than sometimes. In this situation, you almost always have to express your feelings trough words.

On the other hand, there will be times when such actions could have different intentions. Say, if someone's very caring, attentive to you, you can assume that that someone is interested in you… Right? Can you confidently say that that someone likes you based on just that? What if that someone treats you differently than how that someone treats others? Now, can you absolutely say to yourself that 'ah! This guy/chick really does like me'?

I wouldn't blame you if your answers to questions are NO. Afterall, as I said earlier, just like how words can be interpreted in multiple ways, actions can be too. So really, the saying 'actions speak louder than words' is just so ironic.

Still not convinced? Why don't we flip the coin one more time then? Say there is this someone. This someone is nice (to the extent of what this someone can) to everyone. This someone is attentive to anyone. This someone is caring to anyone. Needless to say, this someone is nice, attentive, caring to you too. Now, since that everyone's receiving the same treatment from this someone, can you be certain that this someone does not have any interest in you (basing on just the facts above)? Not even the tiniest bit?

It is in these situations that I wish that mankind have already evolved to the point of being able to read minds. No need to act. No need to say anything. Just think. Surely there would be no more misunderstandings by that point. If what one says differ from what one does, no problem. Just read one's mind and everything shall be a-okay.

No matter how we think that our thoughts are fully within our control, the fact is, that is not the truth. We all have this thing called subconscious. As far as I know, not one has managed to control one's subconscious. It is for that reason that I believe that no matter how one directs one's mind far from the truth, one's true thoughts will always leak through one's subconscious.

Surely the world would be a much better place if everyone is able to read anyone's mind noh? No more misunderstandings. No mixed signals. No more beating around the bush. No bullshit. Just plain truth. Cold hard painful truth.

But then again, there is this one ultimate flaw in granting every man the ability to read minds. It is that they'll be able to read your thoughts too, without boundaries, without reservations. I'm sure that everyone has his/her own thoughts that they'd rather keep to themselves. Even husbands have secrets they tend to hide from their wives and vice versa.

Now I don't really mind if all of my thoughts become public information readily available for anyone. Just like right now. I don't even know you and yet here I am letting you read into my thoughts! I don't have anything to hide really. Go ahead and read all of my thoughts for all I care… except for one. Or maybe more than one? Hmm. Let's just make it one category: My thoughts on Lovely My Angel Totsuka-tan. Kyah!

I don't mind if everyone knows of them though... except for one person that matters the most: Lovely My Angel Totsuk- yeah whatever. That joke is already getting old now. I really have to stop doing that. Using Totsuka as some sort of shield. It's disrespectful to him. He does not deserve to be treated like that. Totsuka is a person who deserves respect. Uhm-hmm.

…

Speaking of expressing one's interest/affection for another, have I already told you that Yuigahama confessed to me just the other day? Unbelievable? Neh, I bet that you already saw it coming even from miles away. I kinda did too, but I couldn't be too sure until the words came out from the horse's mouth. Or is cow the more appropriate analogy here? Because, you know…?

As someone who has already experienced many a heartbreak due to misinterpretations and misunderstandings, it's only reasonable for me to assume that nothing's there right? Even with all those obvious signs of affection. Those telltale reactions. Those definitive facial expressions. I wouldn't (want to) think that Yuigahama has a liking towards me unless she says so. In words. Words that cannot in anyway be misunderstood.

So, you must now be wondering what was my answer to her? What happened after her confession? What's our relationship status?

Well, I did say earlier that I'm waiting for someone right? Why don't you take a guess on who's that certain someone is?

…

Let me first answer the question "what was Hachiman's answer to Yuigahama's confession?". If you've been following me from the very first time I started spending time with Yuigahama, the answer should be obvious to you. If you haven't, don't fret. I'll tell you in just a jiffy.

…

Know what, why don't I just answer all the above questions in just one go? First, my answer to her confession was 'Sorry. I appreciate your feelings but I can't accept them. I won't be able to return if I do. I don't want that. That's not fair to you.". Next, nothing much happened after. She was able to express her feelings. I was able to express mine. We went home after. Lastly, I believe our relationship is still the same as before. But that's my perspective. I don't know about hers.

Disappointed huh? Hachiman, that might be your only one chance to be able to snag a hottie! I hate to break it to you, but I don't swing that way.

…

NO no. I'm not gay! What I meant by that is that I won't accept a confession just because the confessor is a hottie. That's just superficial! If I'd ever enter into a romantic relationship, I'd want it to be because I have genuine romantic feelings for my to-be-partner.

Besides, I can't really accept Yuigahama's confession. How could I? I just couldn't see a future where I'd be able to fully return her feelings. Saying yes to her would be cruel to her noh? I'd rather hurt her now than later where the wound becomes harder to mend. Accepting her confession just for the sake of not hurting her does more harm than it does good.

But there is a more selfish reason for me not accepting her feelings.

All the while she was pouring her heart out, a certain someone has been floating within my mind. I know. Pretty rude of me right? But I can't help it! It just happened! It's not like I have full control of my thoughts you know?

It was at that point that I've realized that I may have… feelings for that certain someone. I know I know. Despicable Hachiman! To use someone else's confession to as stimulus to confirm your feelings! Truly despicable! But come on! Give me a break. It was even hard to admit to myself you know?

When I think about it though, maybe I already had this affection for her within me way before my realization happened. I just didn't want to admit myself. I pictured my self to be this badass immovable monster who only has emotions for his little sister afterall [1]. We all know that I wasn't.

I had always found her to be beautiful. I had always admired her bluntness. I had always found her flaws to be cute and adorable. I had always found her weaknesses, her insecurities to be humanizing.

Yes. I, Hikigaya Hachiman, am in love with Yukinoshita Yukino. Maybe. I think that I do.

And so here I am, waiting for her. I plan to confess my feelings for her. It may appear to be sudden. It may appear to be out of character. But I decided to just let it all out. I'd rather let it out than to keep it bottled within me. Besides, I only plan to confess. I don't really care what happens of it, if something good comes out of it. But hey, if it results to something good, I will welcome it. I am willing to accept change now.

…

Truthfully though, as of the moment, I don't see a future yet where Yukinoshita and I become a couple. And no, I'm not being pessimistic her. Rather, I'm being realistic. I mean, just look at us. We are worlds apart. I just know that her parents won't readily accept me.

But if we're given a chance to be together even if only for a moment, I will surely make the most of it. I will definitely make her not regret. I will fully let her feel my genuine emotion.

But eh, it's a long shot. We still have her feelings to consider. It's not like she has this same kind of emotion towards me you know?

…

Hey, I've been waiting for an awful lot by now. What is taking her so long? Could it be that she's not coming afterall?

…

Dammit Hachiman! I knew that using the shoe locker letter trick won't work? Don't you remember the many times she told you that she has already received so many confession letters via that way to the point that she got sick of it? Why couldn't you just told her personally? Why not mail her?

…

Oh. That's right. Due to certain circumstances, club activities have been temporarily suspended. Nothing serious. Just giving us service club members a break. And oh, I still don't have her number nor e-mail. Quite funny noh? We've been in the same club for almost two years by now, yet we still don't have each other's e-mail ad nor number.

I know. Considering that she rejected my friendship proposal repeatedly, maybe it's not that surprising. Still, I find it quite amusing. I even have her sister's phone number! I have the blonde bastard's. Heck, I even have Miura's! Plenty amusing!

I don't know if its pride or whatnot. Now I wonder if things would have been different if we had each other's contact details all this time.

…

Nope.

…

Sigh.

Well, I guess that she's not coming afterall. Pretty disappointing what her reason. Whether it because she haven't read the letter, or whether she already read it but chose to ignore it, the outcome is this still the same: the Hachiman won't be able to make his confession today. Although I admit, I'd cry if her reason is the latter.

…

Welp, seems like I've waited long enough. I should get going. It's gonna be late soon. Since I'm no longer going to eat outside (I was planning on taking her out should my confession result to something good), I might as well go home now.

Ah.

Truly disa-

"H-hikigaya-kun!"

Ah.

How cliché.

The last minute appearance. A proven and tested tool used by authors to extend the suspense. I didn't expect Yukinoshita to use it though. One of her qualities is being blunt and direct afterall. I don't think sly is one of those.

But eh, I can't complain that much really. At least she responded to my letter. Now all that needs to be done is for me to execute my plan.

"Yo."

"…I'm sorry." Hm? Yukinoshita apologizing? That's certainly something you don't see everyday.

"Whatever are you sorry for?"

"I uh- I… almost didn't want to come here."

Oh? Is she trying to tell me something here?

"I see."

What was her reason for not almost not coming here? Is it because she didn't want to hear what have to say? Is that it?

…

That's a pretty sad thing to hear. Why would she not? It's not like I'm expecting from her or anything. I just want to pour my heart out. Just like what Yuigahama did. It's liberating. That's all.

…

Okay Hachiman, let's be optimistic here. Maybe that was not her reason at all. As far as I can remember, I didn't write my name on the letter (I know. Pretty stupid of me. I don't know what came to me when I did that. Honest!). Since no name was on the letter, maybe she thought it was just another one of those hopeless suitors of hers? Or maybe she thought it was even worse, a tasteless prank.

Well, there is that possibility that she may have guessed that it was me. It's probably non-existent though. I mean, just look at me. You know who I am. Who would ever think that I'd be doing this? I wouldn't.

…

Argh! All this thinking won't get me anywhere! Didn't I already say that my plan here is to let her know what I feel towards her? Without expecting too much? Without regrets for whatever happens after?

To hell with these reservations!

"Hey Yukinoshita… I-"

Loners, Love, and Everything in Between – End

[1] Reference to Shiba Tatsuya a.k.a Onii-sama of The Irregular at Magic High School

A/N Ha. Haha. Was that just a whole wall of nothing or was it? Ha. Anyways, just a little writing exercise before I start with my writing for the next chapter Of Losses and Gains. I'm sorry if you felt that I wasted your time for making your read this, but I did warn you earlier. Haha!