I'll Be Loving You, Always

I'll be loving you, Always

With a love that's true, Always

When the things you've planned need a helping hand

I will understand, Always

Days may not be fair, Always

That's when I'll be there, Always

Not for just an hour, not for just a day, not for just a year, but Always

-Ella Fitzgerald

Author's Note: You know, honestly, I originally wasn't going to publish this. I've always been terrified to touch Harry Potter characters. J.K. wrote them so perfectly that I've convinced myself that I would screw every single one of them up. But I have a very annoying friend who insisted that I tackle something Snape related (thanks, Tonia). Initially, my instinct when I finished was to send it to her and only her with the message, "if this ever gets out I will plaster your car full of sticky notes and put glitter all over your ceiling fans so that when you turn them on you'll sparkle like Edward motha-effin Cullen."

But when I was re-reading it for the final edit (in proper English accents of course) I kept having flashes to the news in Manchester. I have friends and family in The UK. I've always had a fondness for everything British. Over the years, Brits have given the USA so many wonderful things…including J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter. And to know how much they are hurting right now hits me in a part of my soul that I can't soothe. I know the victims were all ages. Adults…it's hard enough, but teenagers and children? They were babies. They were innocent, much like we all were at some point in time. I started thinking about my young nephews, the older one who is currently reading Harry Potter (stuck in the fifth book because he can't get past Harry's teenage angst in it) and just how much I love them. And I cried. Lord, I cried.

But then, as I always do when I can't find my way out of the darkness…I buried myself in my art. I can't do much. All I know how to do is entertain. Even if this fanfic sucks beyond belief…if it takes people out of the real world for even the slightest bit of time…if I make anyone feel even a tiny bit better, then publishing this will have been worth it to me.

This is for the 22 people who didn't make it home from the concert on May 22nd. This is for those injured in the attack…the adults who lost children, the children who lost their parents, the children who lost their childhood. And everyone who is hurting right now.

My heart is with England. My heart is with Manchester.

It was a dreary day when he first met the child. The ground was saturated with a layer of moisture from the morning rain. Most people preferred the sun, but Severus Snape found a unique appreciation for the cloudy days. He enjoyed seeing the plush green grass sprinkled with droplets of water.

He walked by a large puddle where two birds were splashing about in a playful manner. He watched a few more small creatures brave the water-logged park. They didn't seem to mind him being there, and he didn't mind their company. He hadn't expected any people to be out on such a grey day. In fact, he'd been counting on it. He enjoyed this weather because it gave him time to be away from the company of others, something he cherished.

He harbored a darkness that no one knew about, which is why his solitary walks were of vital importance to him. A lot had been going on lately. He'd done things he wasn't proud of. He knew the path he was taking was goose-stepping him into misery, but it was a price that he had to pay for reasons unknown to everyone in his life.

He'd been so lost in thought that he almost didn't see her across the way. She was pushing a vintage pram, no doubt something that had come from her husband's childhood home. He hadn't spoken to her in months. Her life with her husband James had been a whirlwind as of late. The two of them had been wrapped up in her pregnancy ever since they'd learned about it last year.

She still looked just as striking as the first day he'd seen her when they were children. He remembered the way she'd smiled timidly at him and the way that her eyes sparkled with a mischievous glint.

They had bonded over their dysfunctional families and the magic that life had to offer. Her friendship had meant the world to him. He had grown very fond of her, but history had taught him that people like him never got a happy ending. So he was content just to have such a charming girl in his life. Now that little girl had a family of her own, and though she was a different person, he still loved her all the same. He always would.

He had every intention to keep walking. He wasn't sure what he would say to her. They hadn't really kept in touch since their fifth year at Hogwarts. By that time James and Lily had eyes for each other. James was abrasive and unkind to him. After one particularly trying altercation Severus had lost his composure. In a fit of anger meant to be directed at James he'd verbally lashed out at Lily. Their friendship had never quite recovered. He had assumed she'd hated him since that day.

"Severus!" She called out to him.

He waved politely at her, but his inner teenage boy was freaking out. What could she possibly have to say to him after all these years? Was she going to slap him? Knee him in the giblets?

Don't be a git. He begged himself in thought.

She pushed the stroller over next to him and then stopped to observe her old friend.

"Hello, Lily." He managed to stutter out before the nerves took over. "It's been some time. How are you?"

"James and I have been quite busy, as you can see." She smiled down at her baby.

"Yes, quite," Snape answered politely.

He knew better than to ask where her husband was. In fact, he didn't care. James Potter had tormented him ever since the day they'd met. Severus had been an odd boy. An outcast. He'd never really quite taken to people. Not until he'd met Lily. He never dreamed he'd be meeting a son of hers that wasn't his. He'd had this hope that one day Lily would realize that James wasn't her soulmate. She never did.

"I'd like for you to meet Harry." She placed the palm of her delicate hand against her son's stomach and gently rubbed his little tummy until he smiled.

He'd heard about Harry already. He'd been bitter about the baby when he first heard the Potters were going to have a little boy. Part of his anger stemmed from his unresolved issues with the boy's father. Ultimately he was jealous that he'd lost his chance with Lily. The other part of him was worried for the child. He worried about the upbringing in the world of wizarding, especially given that his father was an arrogant know-it-all. Trouble seemed to follow James Potter at every turn.

When Severus first got wind of little Harry's name his first instinct was to ask if the boy's middle name was Richard. What a name that would be. Harold Richard. He could see the cruel nicknames the boy would be subjected to if he didn't have a proper middle name. Snape knew how damaging bullying was from first-hand experiences. He knew the scars from that lasted a lifetime. Once again, he was concerned about a baby he had no interest in.

"Hello." Severus looked at the child uncomfortably. He tried his best to sound like he cared, but his initial reaction was telling him to run away. "Harry." He slowed his speech down to take in the first name. "Potter." He continued. He allowed the name to be drawn out slowly to see if he could get used to it.

"Harry James Potter." Lily solved the mystery of the middle name.

There went the Harry Dick theory, though, technically his father James could be a dick…so the name could still stand.

"James and I…" And there it was. The dagger to the heart he'd been waiting for, "…we wanted him to have a strong name. After all, he comes from a long line of brave people."

"Indeed." It was hard giving her standard responses, but he was afraid to say much else.

He tried to think of small talk. He loathed small talk, but he wasn't ready to say goodbye to her yet. In a stunning turn of events, it was the baby that gave him the courage to continue. A butterfly landed on the edge of Harry's stroller. He giggled and reached out to try and touch it.

"I see that he already has an affinity for nature...just like his mother." Snape smiled at Lily.

"I thought the fresh air might be good for him. I needed some ingredients for a potion. James offered to watch Harry while I ran to get the things on the list, but I wanted to get the little nipper out for a bit."

The baby didn't seem to mind the cloudy skies either. Severus wasn't sure whether to be impressed or annoyed.

"You know, I'm quite skilled in potions."

"I remember." She nodded.

"I could offer you some assistance if you need it." He knew she didn't. She was just as skilled, if not more-so, than he was in the subject.

"No, thanks. We're fine."

There it was again. We. Them, without him. He tried not to let her see how much her words stung.

"What brings you out today?" Lily questioned.

He found it odd that after years of being shut out that Lily was suddenly interested in letting him back in.

"Nothing particular. I come here on occasion to get new ideas for spellcasting."

"You always did like your quiet time." Lily smiled softly. It thawed his heart a bit.

"Not always." He regretted it the moment he'd said it.

The only thing he'd ever liked more than his time alone was his time with her, and she knew that. He watched her carefully to see what her reaction would be. Her face tensed for a very brief second, but then she looked down at her son and all her anxiety washed away. It was fascinating to see how much hold the boy had over her. He took her pause as an opportunity to back-peddle a bit.

"Being an only child does have its advantages. The silence one feels when there is no one around becomes a familiar comfort in an otherwise noisy world."

Snape was familiar with more than just silence. There was a time he had known nothing but boisterous sounds. He could remember the nights his parents would scream at one another. They had been so loud. He couldn't take it. Sometimes he'd placed his palms firmly against his ears to try to drown them out, but it never did any good.

Lily seemed to recognize the twinge of pain he was trying to hide. She reached out to him as she had done many times when they were younger, but then hesitated and pulled back. They weren't kids anymore. It wasn't her place to meddle in his affairs. Sometimes she regretted how things had ended between them. But it was time lost that they could never get back. She had her husband and her son now, and she loved them dearly. But what about her best friend? Though she had been deeply hurt by how he'd turned on her, she still loved him. She hated to see him in pain.

"How have you been, Severus?"

The question rattled him. He couldn't very well tell her what was really going on in his life. And he certainly couldn't tell her that he'd gotten sloshed last night and had used magic to trick muggles at a pub into believing he was a time traveler. It had been a long time since he'd done something so reckless. He'd had more fun than he cared to admit. Maybe he needed to take more risks. He looked at Lily and tried to fight back a smile.

"Last night I had some fun with some sniveling abusive drunks. I turned one of them into a cockroach." He shrugged as if it was nothing.

"Beg your pardon?" Lily wasn't sure she'd heard him right.

"I reversed it, of course. But first I had a little fun at their expense. You remember our second year when those two older boys were drinking butterbeer and casting spells on the birds near the dormitories? Do you recall what we did that day?"

"You didn't!" She gasped and then giggled at the memory.

He smiled. He'd made her laugh. How he missed that laugh.

"In fact, I did." He finally let his smile break through. "We put the fear of God into those ignorant fools stupefying defenseless animals. I did the same to the two drunks at the bar. Put the ponce I turned into a cockroach into his beer and almost had his mate drink him without even realizing it."

"What if you had been exposed?" Lily questioned.

"Humans have a way of forgetting such an event when alcohol is involved. I assume they are both sleeping off what they think was nothing more than a hallucination."

"You assume?"

"I looked in on them to make sure there were no lasting effects." He assured her. "I'm a madman, not a monster." He forced out a smile.

"You're full of surprises." Lily smiled back.

More than she would ever know. Harry let out a coo and gurgled in some foreign baby language. Snape wasn't sure how to respond. His instinct was to pat him on the head like one would if they were praising a dog. He ignored his instincts and instead just placed his hand against the side of the baby carriage and wiggled his fingers in a manner as if to say, "hello, tiny wizard. Please do not start yelling in that high pitched noise that miniature humans such as yourself sometimes do."

He only glanced at the cooing baby for a split second before he looked back up at Lily. She was looking down at her boy with such pride. Severus had never seen her look quite as stunning.

He'd loved her for a long time. She had always been as bright as she was beautiful. He appreciated her mind as much as her looks. She was the whole package. Smart, witty, and caring. She was the sunshine in his otherwise darkened sky. He missed spending time with her. He'd never forget the first time he had seen her face. Her auburn hair and gentle green eyes had knocked the sense right out of him. He hadn't known what to say, so instead he'd just turned into a creepy grinning idiot. But Lily hadn't been frightened of him. Instead, she had befriended him. Those days meant more to him than she knew.

He'd never been good expressing his emotions. Feelings had been frowned upon in his household. His parents had always been too busy waging war with one another to see the internal war going on inside their own son, nor did they care. Lily had been the one to put an end to that internal struggle. She had been able to reach a part of his heart he'd never dared to let anyone close to. Letting her in was natural. Years later, though, he discovered that letting her go was the most unnatural experience in his life. But he could see the very different paths they were traveling. He had always known heartbreak was imminent. Still, he wouldn't have changed a second with her.

He felt something warm brush against his index and middle finger. He looked down to see Harry clutching his fingers and smiling up at him. Suddenly, he felt a fondness for the boy. If he was half as kind and as intelligent as his mother then he would do well in the world. Then again, what if he was his father's son? Severus shifted uncomfortably.

How was it possible to both love and hate a child at the same time? The boy was innocent. He wasn't responsible for the deeds of his father. Yet, all Severus could think about when he looked at the baby was how James had taken everything that had ever mattered away from him.

He looked at young Harry…really looked at him. The boy looked just like his father, with one exception. His eyes. His eyes burned as bright as his mother's. It's like the secrets to the universe were hidden behind those eyes.

"He has your eyes." He felt a hint of a smile forming on his lips. Lily's son had inherited the best of her.

"Really?" Lily leaned down and tickled Harry's cheek. He giggled. He had her smile, too. "You think so?"

"I do."

"You're the first person who has noticed." She looked over at her old friend.

"I'm sure I won't be the last." He gave her an encouraging smile. Eyes as telling as Lily's were a rarity. They were a window to her soul, and her soul was radiant. Some of her hair slid through the clip she had to keep it pulled back. Before Snape could stop himself he was reaching for her face to push the stray hair behind her ear. She didn't object as his thumb and index finger tickled her cheek. He lingered for the slightest second. He could have easily kept his hand in place much longer, but he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

"Better?" He retracted his hand and casually ran his fingers through his hair.

"Clearly you missed your calling as a hairdresser." Lily laughed.

"Hardly." He shook his head. The movement inadvertently caused his hair to sway in a way most unflattering. He hoped she wouldn't notice…

"It's getting quite long again." She grinned. "You remember that time that I braided your hair into pigtails?"

She'd noticed.

"How could I forget? You put pink bows on me and painted my nails. I looked like the love-child of Winston Churchill and a French callgirl."

"Why did you let me do it?" she asked.

"All I ever wanted was for you to be happy."

And he would protect that happiness with his life. He would protect her happiness even if he wasn't the one responsible for it. Lily deserved the world and more. He wanted to tell her, but he knew he never could. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair to her. As much pain as it caused him to be looking from the outside into her life, he loved her enough to love her from afar.

"That's the little boy that I remember." She smiled. "Remember how you used to chase off my sister when she was being mean to me?"

"Ah, yes. I conjured up some large birds and a big toad to scare her away if I recall. How is Petunia these days?" He despised Lily's sister. Even as a child, she'd been a terrible person.

"I wouldn't know. We haven't spoken much since my days at Hogwarts. I did let her know of Harry's birth, but never heard back. She has a boy around Harry's age. I'd like for him to know his cousin, but it's not going to happen as long as she's still with that daft husband of hers." She sighed. "Personally I think it's a touch of karma for being so dreadful when we were children."

He could see that though she joked about it, her sister's rejection hurt her.

"We could always pay her a visit…maybe summon a tiger or two for good measure." He tried to make her feel better.

"I wouldn't subject those poor animals, corporeal or not, to the likes of Petunia and Vernon."

She did a very good job at masking her pain, but he could tell that her heart was broken. Apparently, so could her son. Harry stirred uncomfortably. He let out a grunt, a forewarning that he was about to give his tiny lungs a very large workout.

"Ah, you're alright, luv." Lily placed her hand against Harry's cheek. Harry immediately calmed. "Little fella is knackered. Best get him in before he catches cold."

"Mother knows best."

He saw the way she looked at her child…with such love and admiration. Her face lit up in a way that touched his soul. In all his years of loving her he'd never seen her as happy as she was looking down at her son.

It hit him like a wave crashing against the shore. Her eyes. Her spark. Lily had once been the light of his life. Now Harry was the light of hers. He would do everything in his power to protect her boy. Harry wasn't his son, but he was the closest thing he would ever have to a child. Part of him hated that he cared so much, but all he had to do was look at his former love to remind him that even the darkness in his soul was capable of love.

The two exchanged a sweet grin. Lily leaned forward and embraced her old friend in a hug. Snape swallowed a knot in his throat. He did his best to choke back his tears. When she let go he realized that the tears he was holding in weren't from sadness, but from joy. It had been so long since he'd held her in his arms. His memories came back in a flash: the two of them running about in meadows and holding hands. Smiling. He hadn't smiled so wide in ages.

If only… He thought. If only he had told her how he truly felt instead of calling her a filthy mudblood. If only he had been smarter…better looking…kinder…a better man.

"Lily, about that day at Hogwarts…"

"I know." She tried to save him the embarrassment.

"You were just trying to help. What I said…I had no right. I'm sorry." He'd never forgiven himself, so he assumed she wouldn't either. He was wrong.

"I know. It's okay. That was a long time ago, Severus. We were all different people then."

"You were better off without me." He glanced down at Harry again. He was such a happy baby. And why wouldn't he be? His mother was the best person Snape knew.

"Severus Snape, don't you for one second think that I don't want you in my life." Lily scolded him. "You were there for me in a way that no one else in my life ever was. You loved me even when I felt unlovable. You were my best mate and my first real friend. And I expect you to be my last, you hear?"

"After all this time?" He asked, genuinely surprised by her candor.

"Always." She smiled.

His heart felt full again. He found himself turning away to hide the blood rushing to his cheeks. After he'd taken a second to compose himself he hugged her again. When he pulled away he saw that Harry was looking at him with wide eyes and reaching his tiny little hand out towards him. Severus gently reached into the stroller and let Harry latch on to his index finger once more. Harry cooed and then his lips curled into a smile. He flailed about in excitement and let out a string of giggles that echoed throughout the park.

Lily and Snape said their goodbyes, and for the first time in years…it didn't pain him to watch her leave. He had a newfound hope in his soul as he watched her walk away. He loved her. That would never change. But now he knew that despite everything they had been through…she would always love him, too.

END