Title: Recourse

Summary: Kakashi has a last resort, a final option for when times are desperate. It's… it's embarrassing. (Where Kakashi hides a trump card under his mask.)

Warning: Pure crack with people (normally enemies) trying to keep Kakashi safe and happy.

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"Aren't you supposed to be a missing-nin right now? Doing… missing-nin stuff?" Kakashi asks, trying to buy time.

He's a teenager so he has no hope of getting away, but he's also a genius and a jonin so at least he can stall and maybe do some damage. Kakashi tightens his grip on his tanto and prepares to fight.

Orochimaru shrugs carelessly, the Sharingan following his every move, and steps over the (hopefully unconscious) body of Kakashi's ANBU partner. "I wanted to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine, thank you," Kakashi replies politely, backing away. "And how have you been?"

The Sannin smirks, reading the awkwardness off the small sliver of Kakashi's face that shows. "I am content with what is happening. Still continuing my experiments. Perhaps you could come visit me some time and I can show you?"

"Oh," Kakashi says slowly. "Well that's nice of you to offer... I guess. But I don't think I'm allowed to visit you."

There is something incredibly wrong with this scene, Kakashi knows, but he really can't think of anything else to say.

The Snake Sannin defected barely three months ago but before that he used to be an odd man who would give Kakashi treats whenever they accidentally bumped into each other. How is Kakashi supposed to react in this situation?

Maybe betrayal, or anger because the man turned traitor? Should Kakashi be trying to kill the older male despite the fact that he's most definitely going to lose the fight? Is there some kind of emotional template or sequence of events that Kakashi should follow?

He glances back down to his ANBU partner who doesn't seem like they'll be moving for a very long time. "Look, I should probably be heading home. The mission was pretty long…"

"You must be tired," Orochimaru hums in some approximation of empathy. "Here, as an apology for keeping you."

Orochimaru blurs forward, and before the teenager can do anything but flinch, the snake contractor is gently patting Kakashi on the head and tucking some wrapped candy pieces into one of his flak vest pockets.

Then the Sannin is gone.

Danzo thinks the decision is very easy. There's really no other option, to be truthful.

It's not just about Konoha and protecting the village. It's about the boy as well. God forbid the Uchiha actually manage to stage the coup d'état, because along with uncountable deaths, the first thing they're going to do is take back the eye they claim was stolen from them.

Danzo isn't just protecting his village, he's protecting his Kakashi too.

No threat to the boy will be tolerated.

Kakashi grimaces and makes sure to keep his non-broken hand clasped around his mouth. He pulls his knees up and presses back against the tree he was thrown into. His ANBU mask and his normal one was ripped off as he was tossed away but it should be fine. He can tell immediately that no one has seen his face.

The last target goes down and the ANBU commander appears before him, crouching down and blotting out the world with his mass.

"Are you badly injured, Hound?" the ANBU demands.

Before Kakashi can try and brush the question off, the porcelain masked male reaches forward and pulls Kakashi's hand away from his face. The commander freezes and Kakashi rips his hand back, pressing it to his mouth and furling up as much as he can.

The medic steps forward, having to move around the large man to see Kakashi, but the commander just waves them away and rips off the bottom of his shirt to tie around Kakashi's face.

For the rest of the travel home, Kakashi is almost blissfully happy at how the commander reacted - or didn't react as it were. Maybe he's finally found someone immune, someone he can relax around and not have to keep his guard up all the time.

But a day after reaching Konoha, Kakashi is forced from ANBU, on orders of the commander. As he digests the news, the commander steps forward and runs a hand through Kakashi's silver hair.

"It's too dangerous," the other man whispers. "And you are far too precious."

The Kyuubi perks up behind the bars of its cage as the silver haired one steps into the room. The blonde container laughs loudly, obnoxiously, at the chalkboard eraser that falls onto the jonin.

"My first impression is… I despise all of you," Kakashi deadpans.

The Kyuubi barely notices the words, too intent on drinking in the sight of his human. This is the human that Kyuubi will never hurt, the one with starlight for hair. Kurama realises that the human will be the container's teacher, will have to be with Kurama, and the fox starts laughing.

Naruto feels happiness bubble up inside him and he can't help but smile as he races Sasuke up to the rooftop.

Kakashi notices the odd intensity in Naruto's eyes and writes it off as Guy-levels of enthusiasm. At least the broody Sasuke should even it out, though Kakashi could do without the fangirl mindset in Sakura.

Kakashi has had more than enough experience with possessive stalkers.

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A/N: I hope you guys like it (Ialreadyregretposting). The sections kind of bob between fanatic obsession and comedy, so it might read strangely. This is supposed to be mainly humour though.

I do have a second chapter if anyone is interested…?