A/N: there is one thing i'm going to warn about with this story and it's that there is mention of rape and a main character with ptsd. This story is partially based off my own experiences and is meant to be therapeutic in a way. The portrayal of ptsd is from my own experiences with it. I am sorry if it doesn't match up to yours, if you suffer with it.

If you have experienced sexual assault or have been raped, please seek out support and help. There is always help out there for you. You can heal and learn how to cope. I have faith in you.

Resources:

RAPE, ASSAULT INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK

800 656 4673

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE

1 800 273 8255

Maybe it's just the way the party feels. The music pounding in Kenny's ears, vibrating throughout his veins, his cells, his blood. Maybe it's the way Craig stares at the stage, illuminated in purples and then pink and then yellow and then pink and back to purple. He bobs his head, sways gently. Kenny dances at these things. He is always the only one dancing. But Lola is singing his favorite song her bands ever produced. And Craig is feeling the music. Really feeling it. The way his eyes are closed, lips parted. Fingers tapping his thigh. How he mouths the lyrics. Kenny can always taste Craig's admiration for live music. Gulps in down whenever Kenny's eyes fall on him in the crowd. Drinks in his energy.

Without much of a thought he grabs the other boys hand, spins his body towards him. Those dark brown eyes stare into blue. Crajg expresses a small, forced smile and lets Kenny take a lead. It's weird because Kenny is extroverted and Craig is introverted. Their emotions are similar towards music but their expressions are different. Maybe Kenny is a little too high. A little tipsy. But he grabs onto Craig's waist and Craig half heartedly complies by wiggling a bit, Kenny's finger tips curl into his sides before Craig slips out of his hold.

Hours had passed since then.

The two seldom talk. And yet they pass a blunt back and forth after Lola's set. They're in the van. Clyde has Lola's body pressed against the side of it. Smearing her bright red lipstick, her false lashes falling off. Esther and Jenny hightailed it out of there with some cute boys. Kevin and Red left too. Craig doesn't have much in common with these people. They grew up together. Red is Craig's cousin but they hate eachother. Kevin is kind of weird. Esther, Jenny and Lola were acquaintances. Clyde was Craig's only friend. And Kenny was. Kenny was just kind of a mutual friend. Maybe he does have more tie to them than he would like yo admit. It's small threads intertwining that leads you to a new knot.

Craig likes concerts. Emo revival shit and house parties. Craig heavily influences Clyde's life. Clyde starts going to these concerts when Craig does. Clyde meets the love of his life, the indie queen, Lola. Sparkles and bright red lipstick and her hair partially in two buns and half down. Lola who has a girl band with Esther and Jenny. Lola who isn't particularly in the music scene Craig is into. Lola, who enjoys the music that one night on their freshman winter break. Lola who has a sweet smile and dimples that make Clyde's insides flutter. Lola who Clyde gushes to Kenny and Craig about. Lola who he finally asks out to a bonfire party after their sophmore year. Lola who Clyde kisses that night and falls for. Falls hard for. Lola, who Clyde always has a rose for after her concerts.

Lola and Clyde. Clyde who is close to Kenny. Clyde who passes pornos to Kenny. Clyde who invites Kenny to sleepovers occasionally. Clyde who talks about sex to Kenny, even though he doesn't have experience with girls. Kenny who is a pervert. Kenny, who listens and gives Clyde tips. And condoms. And makes Craig scoff at though he kind of appreciates Kenny doing what he can't as Clyde's friend. Kenny, who Craig sometimes smokes with. Kenny, who can't stop looking at Craig. Kenny, who attempted to make Craig dance and (kind of, barely) succeeded. It almost wounds Kenny. But he can't feel awkward. He's focusing on the silliest things. Like the way Craig wears a baseball cap backwards. He lets out a giggle.

"Man. You look like hipster shit." Craig lazily raises his middle finger up at Kenny in retaliation. Kenny just laughs some more.

"Hip hipstery Craig. That's great man." Kenny says, lazy with the high. He leans his head back, baring his neck.

"At least I don't look like a giant cheeto." Craig says it in such monotone and they are both cracking up. Kenny tugs at the sleeves of his orange parka. God. It's true and it's the greatest thing ever. Lola peeks her head into the van and jiggles the keys.

"I don't trust you assholes to drive. I'm sober. Get in the back." She says. Craig and Kenny look at each other briefly before they let out another laugh. Kenny decides that he likes Craig when he laughs. The other male seldom does it. But when he's high he's the greatest. That's their relationship. Their connection.

Kenny's weird admiration of Craig that is probably one sided. And weed. The two always pair up for projects. Often hang out. But there is a distance Craig keeps from everyone that isn't Clyde. And kenny is far, far, far from being inside Craig's heart.

The drive back to Clyde's house is quiet. Short lived. He only lives a block over from the house they were playing at. Kenny jumps down from the back of the truck, being careful not to bring down any instruments with him. He holds out a hand for Craig to hold as sits down and gets pulled up. Kenny grins at Craig and Craig cracks the smallest of smiles. Kenny stares at those plush lips. Soft. Not chapped at all. Kenny's eyes follow Craig's movements as, coincidentally he pulls out chapstick and smears it on his lips.

Craig always that damn cherry chapstick. Kenny remembers peeking in his garbage one time when they were with Clyde and seeing nothing but empty sticks. Kenny's tongue darts out and moistens his chapped lips. Another contrast.

"we're crashing in my room. You guys can take the basement." Clyde says. His voice is dry. Kind of like Craig's, but with more emotion conveyed at the appropriate time.

It's cold, wind bitter and mean. The streetlights light them all up in a soft, yellow hue. And they make their way out of it's dull guidance. Lola holds onto Clyde's hand and leads him to his room. The path is so familiar for her, as if it were her house and she lived there her whole life with Clyde. Craig takes a seat on he counter. And Kenny rummages around the fridge. He's so hungry. And settles on some old mac and cheese Lola made for Clyde and his dad one night.

Craig's eyes are glued to his cellphone. That's one thing Kenny noticed about Craig. While the other male takes pictures of everything, he never does at concerts. His phone is placed in his pocket the whole time. Eyes closed as he sways gently to the beat. Getting lost in the music, the words woven together. The instruments complimenting them.

Kenny digs a fork he found inside the utensil draw in the tin pan of mac and cheese. It's cold and stuck together. But he is so impatient and hungry that he doesn't care. He lets out a audible sign of his pleasure and he finally bites into it.

"You're really eating it like that?" Craig stares at him with those dark eyes. The eyes that frustrate Kenny whenever he looks into them. He can never read Craig's emotions under the apathy he presents on the surface.

"Yeah? You only live once. Like that song by The Strokes. Remember?" Craig blinks and looks down at the mac and cheese. Kenny assumes he is hesitant. Just blankly looking down at the food.

"Fuck it." It's said so dry. Craig reaches his hand in the pan and takes out a bit of the mac and cheese, soft, cold, in his palm. He puts it in his mouth and Kenny laughs. It's the funniest thing in the world. He watches as Craig quietly eats like that. Picking at the food with his bare hands. They're high and hungry. It's ok.

The disposable pan is clean of the noodles when they are done with it. Kenny drops his spoon in the sink, Craig washes his hand under lukewarm water. They discard it in the garbage bin. Kenny stretches lazily, tired. Craig jumps down from the counter and they turn off the lights, stepping into the darkness of the basement. Craig flicks the light switch upwards and the room comes to life.

Clyde and his dad decided to turn the basement into a guest bedroom when they moved to the smaller house. When Clyde's mom died, the two of them remained in South Park. However, they moved to the outskirts where it bleeds into North Park. Clyde was able to stay at the same school district since North and South park are merged together after middle school. There were a lot of drastic changes after fourth grade, and they became even more dramatic as Clyde's body and mind also transformed.

Craig takes off his cap and puts it on the dresser next to the bed. The room is lifeless. The walls are an off white shade. It's simple, undecorated. Just an ugly green comforter and sheets with a tv hanging on the wall. Craig pulls back the blanket and is automatically stuck and glued to the bed when his body is under the warmth. Exhaustion crashing over his body. Kenny feels his eyes drooping, eye lashes veiling his blues.

Kenny turns on the tv, and turns off the light. It's already on mute, with some show from disney playing with wordless characters. Kenny crawls into bed next to Craig. And he's so, so tired. He feels like he is sinking into the mattress. The covrrs stick to his body and it's so safe and warm. His eyes stay glued to the back of Craig's head. His eyelids flutter. With no words exchanged Kenny wraps his arms around Craig. A good half of Kenny's action are thoughtless, or they're over calculated. However, this is somewhere in a confusing middle. Because Kenny feels like he wanted to touch Craig for awhile. But he also didn't think about it. He just knew he wants to feel the other in his arms, and that was that.

Craig doesn't squirm out of this hold this time. Instead turns around and nuzzles his nose in the crook of Kenny's neck.