Chapter Four: Observations

He wakes up before her, laying on his back with her head on his chest and his arm around her. Her hair is splayed out against him and he smiles a little, tilting his head to press his lips to the top of her head before sweeping her hair to one side so he can see her face. She is calm and serene in sleep and he is content to just lay there until she wakes up. It doesn't take long for that to happen, Octavia drops something in the kitchen and she's blinking her eyes wide just after. Her cheeks go pink when she looks at their position and she sits slowly. He follows and she starts to stammer a little about last night, so he slides a hand around to rest against the back of her neck and gives her a long moment to pull away so that if the clarity that comes with sleep has changed her mind she can, but when her wide eyes just stare back at him he leans forward and presses his lips to her's softy. He smiles a little against her when she scoots closer and brings up her hand to rest on his chest.

When they pull back, she rests her forehead against his chest and he runs his hand over her back lightly. The alarm clock next to the bed sounds and she starts a little before he turns it off. He knows she's anxious to get to medical for when Avery wakes up, so he kisses her forehead softly, "We'll figure it all out later" she nods a little in response and then a grin breaks across her face.

After they go to the kitchen to see Octavia cooking, they take turns changing clothes then eat with Octavia at the folded-out table in the kitchenette. When they leave, they walk together until the hallway to Alpha branches out and he has to follow that to the main Guard Station and they stop. She shifts her weight between her feet self-consciously and he just smiles and touches her shoulder lightly before he whispers 'good luck today' and turns. He wants to kiss her then, but knows that once someone sees them and takes that information back to the council, back to her mother, there will be a lot of questions for her to answer, and a lot of interest in him. So, he makes his way to the guard station while she goes to Factory Medical.

When she gets to the Medical outpost, the nurse at the entrance catches her attention, and tells her what room Avery is in, tells her she can go on back. She smiles gratefully and all but runs through the doors and down the hall. She gets to his door and pauses, only for a second, before pulling it open and stepping inside. She lets gravity push the door shut behind her and stands in the middle of the room. He's still asleep, machines beeping around him, his right leg in an air cast and his ribs wrapped tight under his shirt. He's covered in cuts and bruises and there's a long line of stitches down his right forearm and bandage tapped over his temple. She crosses the room quietly and slowly, sitting in the chair to the side of his bed and reaching out to touch his hand softly. He's a bit cool to the touch, and she feels tears well in her eyes, even though she knows that to be normal. It's the first time she's been able to really see him since the explosion, and even though it had been all she wanted, she finds herself unprepared for it.

She doesn't want to sit next to her best friend and cry, so she starts to talking instead. She talks about Bellamy, and how he's been taking care of her since the explosion, how he'd touched her face when he kissed her and it made her feel safe and warm. How she thought she might be falling in love with him, and was that silly – since they didn't really know each other yet?

She falls silent when footsteps approach the door and the doctor pushes his way in. His name is Dylan, but though Clarke has seen him before, in her training, she hasn't ever really known him. He gives her a reassuring smile and holds up a prepared syringe, telling Clarke that the contents will allow him to wake when his body is ready – she already knows this, but appreciates hearing it all the same. While Dylan is pushing the drugs into Avery's vein, he gives her a rundown of his injuries and the possible side effects to his recovery. She nods, watches Avery's face for any sign of movement, frowns a bit when she can't find any. She knows that it could be minutes or hours before he wakes, but wishes she didn't have to wait. Dylan pats her shoulder awkwardly when he leaves, promises to check in soon and tells her that if he wakes, or his conditions otherwise changes his comm device will be tell him and he'll be back in quickly. She just nods, closes her eyes tightly when the door falls shut behind him.

She doesn't know what else to do, and won't let falling apart be an option, so she just keeps talking. She talks about Bellamy and she talks about Octavia (doesn't mentions her connection to Bellamy for fear of someone listening in) and talks about baby-no-name and how adorable she it. As she talks, she feels like too much has happened for it only to have been three days.

When he wakes, it's not like she'd hoped it'd be, it's not gentle. He goes from sleeping to thrashing about in his bed so quickly that Clarke scrambles to her feet, her chair clanking over behind her. He's panicked and reaching for the tube in his throat with his left hand, so she leans over to him to grab his hand and she comes into his field of vision and their eyes meet, she can find no hint of recollection in his. Dylan comes in, grabbing a syringe from the drawer and pushing it into his arm. Avery's muscles react immediately, going still and heavy as the sedative makes its way through his system. He doesn't fall back asleep, but he is quiet and pliable, his head lulling to the side as his eyes focus on different things in turn.

Dylan explains that the reaction is not common, but does happen from time to time. Which, again, Clarke knows but it still helps to hear. She's tells Dylan that she's not sure he recognizes her and he nods slowly when he says that it's a possibility he won't. She looks at him like he's crazy and he nods a little, tells her that it'll be a bit before the sedative wares off and that maybe she should go collect herself before he goes.

At first, she thinks that's crazy, but when she rights the over turned chair and sits down and Avery looks at her like she's a stranger she swallows past a growing lump in her throat and stands, brushing a kiss to his forehead lightly and whispering that she'll be back soon. She tells the nurse where she's going when she passes and that she'll be back in a bit, she gets a sympathetic nod in return.

Bellamy decides to use to lunch break to check on Clarke. He doesn't get a lot of time, but figures that she won't be in a position to talk much anyway. When he comes into the Medical Center he doesn't see her and thinks that it's probably a good sign, that she's probably with Avery. The nurse at the stand by the entrance recognizes him from sitting with Clarke before and tells him that she's not sure what happened, but Clarke had seemed shaken up. Bellamy thanks her when she tells him where to find Clarke.

Bellamy has never been on the Observation Deck, and even now it's only his Cadet's badge that allows him entrance. He hopes, idly, that his badge isn't one picked for random audit this week, as he'll have no reason for having been here. He's a little awestruck when he goes in, stars rushing in at every angle – he can see why the room is used for special occasions. He looks around – there are a few people walking with kids and an older couple sitting at a bench, it takes him a moment to find her. At the top level, leaning on a railing and looking out at the stars. He climbs a set of stairs and crosses a metal bridge to get to her.

She looks at him for a moment before she speaks, her voice and her eyes alittle watery when she does, "Did you know that I hate peas?" she asks, aiming for conversationally, but not quite making it, he shakes his head a little and she nods, "When we were kids, Avery told me that they were rat brains, and I was like 97 percent sure that was bull shit, but I never ate them again – just to be safe" she laughs a little, but a few tears have fallen, ruining the effect. "And," she starts a little too loud, realizes her mistake when the older couple look their direction, "and, I was afraid of aliens until I was like ten" she's quitter now, "and I was so bad at math when I was young, Avery and Wells would stay up all night to help me with it sometimes, and I -" her voice breaks and she turns to look out of the massive window next to her. She pulls her hand across her cheeks, sniffles a little and presses against the hand rail she was leaning on, to straighten up, "And if the only person who knows everything about you…doesn't anymore, then…do you…exist? Do you matter? Are you even…" she trails off when Bellamy lays his hand on her elbow and tugs her towards him. She lets herself be pulled and burrows into his chest when she feels his arms circle her.

"Clarke, what happened?" he asks quietly, running one hand up and down her back.

"He woke up, but I don't think…he doesn't remember me" she whispers, her words jumbling a little since they come pressed out against his shirt.

"He will" Bellamy whispers against her hair. And even though he has no way of knowing that, she lets herself believe him, nodding against his chest a little. He presses a kiss to the top of her head before he pulls back enough to pull his thumb across her cheek and gather the tears there.

He walks her back to the Medical Station not long later and smiles encouragingly when she goes inside. She goes straight to Avery's room and sits down in the chair by his bed. It takes a moment for his eyes to find and focus on her and she makes a point to smile a bit when they do. She curls up, so that she fits entirely in the chair and rests her head on her knees, watching Avery carefully. His eyes are heavy and he looks around slowly before his blinks start to be longer and slower. He doesn't fall back to sleep, exactly, but he doesn't quite seem awake either.

This time, when he comes back to reality, it's a lot gentler. His eyes go frantic, searching his surroundings urgently, but he reaches a hand out to Clarke and seems comforted when she takes it and explains where he is in a gentle voice. Dylan comes in, warm and friendly, talking to Avery and removing the tube in his throat, handing him a water when he's done. Clarke is anxious for Dylan to leave, so that she can really see Avery, but it's a lot of tests and explanations before that happens.

When they're finally alone, Clarke feels more unsure and nervous than she's ever felt with Avery. Avery must sense it, because she feels the back of his hand hit against her shoulder and she looks at him, "Do you remember when you sprained your ankle running in the hall and I half convinced you that your foot was going to fall off? You tried to hold it on without me seeing because you didn't want me to know it worked?" His voice is thick and brittle with disuse and it cracks over every other word, but the story serves its purpose easily.

Tears well in Clarke's eyes and she opens and closes her mouth a few times before so whispers, "I didn't think you remembered" He smiles at her, reaches out his hand as much as he can so that she'll take it, she does and squeezes it lightly, "I didn't think you remembered me" she clarifies and he rolls his eye, big and dramatic.

"Don't be ridiculous" he says even though it's not ridiculous, even though it was a possibility, even though there was a moment where he looked at her and couldn't quite place her. It's not what either wants to focus on now, so they don't.

Clarke pulls out her comm and sends a message to Bellamy telling him that Avery remembers her and that she's going to stay at the Medical Center. She's a little unsure about it, because it feels presumptuous to tell him that she won't be over, but she smiles when she gets 'told you so. See you tomorrow' back. She's putting her comm back in her pocket, ignoring Avery's sing-song "who was thattt?" when it vibrates and she pulls it back up to read the message, rolling her eyes when she sees it's from her mother, this time when Avery says "who was thattt?" his voice is straight out of an over-exaggerated horror movie.

She laughs a little and turns the comm so Avery can read the screen, 'I'm glad that Avery is okay, we'll expect you to resume your normal work schedule this Saturday'. Clarke isn't upset about having to go back to work in a few days, she knows that she got more time than a lot of other people with loved ones effected by the explosion. She's angry that her mother never came and asked her how Avery was. She's angry that her mother sent Avery to the Factory Medical Station when his injuries had more than justified Alpha. She's angry that her mother never checked on Avery, even though she had apparently been keeping tabs on him.

Clarke and Avery talk until he starts to doze off and she laughs a little, tucking her feet under her in the chair and resting her head against the back of the chair.

They are woken by Dylan who comes in during the early morning to check on Avery's vitals. Clarke stretches before she stands, but her legs still almost give out when she puts her weight on them, after having been tucked under her all night. Avery laughs at her while Dylan tries to stifle a laugh of his own. Her cheeks tinge the tiniest bit pink as she paces the length of the room to try to get feeling back in her legs. They have to do some tests so she goes to wait outside.

When they let her back in a few hours later, she brings Stanley and Sarah and baby-no-name with her. Avery lights up when Sarah hands him the baby and they all talk for a while before Clarke excuses herself to give them time alone. She goes to the Alpha cafeteria to get something to take back to Avery but sees Wells at a table and goes to sit across from him. He jumps up when he sees her, hugs her tightly, and then they sit back down. "I'd been meaning to come see you, but I thought you'd be…busy" he struggles for the right word and Clarke waves off his apology and they slip into easy conversation.

Bellamy is cutting through the Alpha cafeteria to get to a work assignment when he catches sight of Clarke out of the corner of his eye. He stops, somehow unprepared to have come across her here. He notices that she's sitting with Wells Jaha, shaking her head and laughing at something he's said and he isn't sure that interrupting them…putting himself on a Jaha's radar is something that would be smart for him. So, he passes behind the table, behind Clarke, he intends to touch the back of her shoulder when he does, just to let her know that he was there and keep walking. But, he hears Wells say "I think you just have to be careful with people like that, that they're desperate enough to be dangerous, and I don't want you to be in that kind of a situation, even though you think it's what you want right now" Bellamy is sure that Wells is talking about him and his undefined relationship with Clarke, so he hurries past their table, glancing over his shoulder to make sure Clarke didn't see him – she didn't, she's still nodding along in conversation with Wells.

When Clarke gets back to the Medical Center, Stanley is just leaving so she goes in and plops on a chair by Avery, tossing him an apple, "So…tell me about Bellamy" is the first thing Avery says.

"Wow, Stanley is such a snitch" she answers, but she's smiling, so it kind of undercuts the effect. She fiddles a little with her hands, scraping at imaginary dirt from under her fingernails and not meeting Avery's eye. Avery clears his throat dramatically and laughs, "I dunno, I like him" she mumbles, her cheeks pink.

When Dylan comes back in, he tells them that they want to do a sleep study on Avery, in hopes that he will be able to go home soon, so Clarke won't be able to stay the night. She makes a big show of being glad she won't have to sleep in the uncomfortable chair again, but when the time comes to actually leave she finds that she has a little bit of a hard time with it. Avery tells her to "beat it…and bring me breakfast in the morning" and she laughs a little watery while she nods and leaves.

It's earlier than she thought, she realizes when she steps into the hall and looks at her father's watch. She realizes that it's about time for the shift change and goes to Alpha, finding herself at the Main Guard Station. She props herself up to sit on the railing across from the door and waits. When the cadets start to file out, they all look exhausted and sweaty and she wonders what kind of drills they'd been running that day. She shifts self-consciously while she looks between them for Bellamy; she doesn't know what they are to each other, or if he'd want to see her after a long day, and she wonders if she should leave. She loses that option though, when he rounds the corner to the hallway and their eyes meet. He waves to whoever he was walking with and crosses the hallway to Clarke, stopping about half a foot from her. She jumps down from the railing and whispers a "Hey"

He nods, "Hi". She's about to say something else when one of the other cadets leans over into their space and says something to Bellamy that Clarke can't hear. He rolls his eyes and shoves the guy lightly in response then turns his attention back to Clarke. The hallway is pretty well cleared out when he says "What are you doing here?". It's not harsh when he says it, more like curiosity, but she still finds herself a little taken aback by the question.

She glances around to see if the hallway is empty and when she sees that it is, she reaches out and takes his hand, smiling when his fingers curl around hers, liking the comfort that comes with physical contact. "I just wanted to see you" she mumbles, taking a half step closer to him.

Wells' words to Clarke from earlier still sit heavy and worrisome on him, but with Clarke in front of him, looking up at him from under her eye lashes, it's hard to anything but tug her towards him and lead her back to his apartment. He drops her hand as they start to walk, not wanting to cross paths with anyone like that, but she stays so close to him that he can feel her body heat all the way back to Factory.

He waves his key card to get it to his apartment and tells the empty air that it's safe to come out, Octavia emerges from Aurora's room just after. Octavia runs past him to get to Clarke; to ask her how Avery is and jump up and down a little when Clarke says that she thinks he is going to be okay. "And, I don't have to go back to work until Saturday, so I have a little time…" she says shrugging. She tries to move closer to Bellamy but he takes an unconscious shuffle step away and Clarke's brow furrows.

Octavia gives a little "yay" and Bellamy chuckles when he walks past her, touching her elbow lightly to try to tell her to calm down before saying that he is going to get a shower. Octavia and Clarke nod easily and as he is closing the bathroom door, he hears Octavia pulling Clarke into helping with dinner.

When he gets out of the bathroom, he's wearing an old t-shirt that Octavia has sewn back together several times and different colored thread chris-crosses his shoulders and a long pair of terry-cloth pants. He is going to his bedroom to hang his towel when he sees Clarke sitting on the edge of his bed. "What's up?" he says hesitantly, hanging the towel and turning to face her.

She's quiet for a long moment and he starts to shift his weight around a little under her gaze. "I don't know" she admits softly, "I just…I guess something felt off with…" she gestures between them a few times, "Not that we're…I mean I know we never talked about…" she shakes her head a little, pauses and takes a deep breath, "I just wanted to make sure that we're okay" she says finally, looking up at him.

He sighs a little and crosses the room to sit next to her on the bed, far enough apart that they aren't touching. Clarke looks at him with big, inquisitive eyes, and he blows out a long breath before he speaks, "If you hadn't run into Octavia that day in the hallway, do you think we ever would have met?". The question has weighed heavy on him since her overheard her with Wells and it comes out before he can stop it.

Clarke kind of half shrugs, "I don't know…does it matter?" she asks quietly, reaching across the space between them to touch his hand.

He doesn't mean to exactly, but he flinches a little when her skin touches his. She pulls her hand back like she's been burnt and tears well in her eyes quickly. He wants, so badly, to reach over and pull her to him – his chest feels tight with how much he wants that, but he knows that if he feels this much for her now, that it will only grow given time. And he can't let himself fall any deeper for a girl that is going to come to her senses any day and realize that this isn't actually what she wants. "We've probably passed each other in the hall way hundreds of times, and never even spoken" he says, looking in front of himself and not at her.

He can see her nod a little out of his prereferral, "I don't really understand why that matters" she whispers.

He pulls in a deep breath and forces himself to turn and look at her, "I just don't know if this is something you want, or something you think you want right now because things are hard right now", Clarke blinks a few times, her tears falling down her cheeks in big, silent, trails. She opens and closes her mouth a few times and something twists painfully in his chest. She looks at him like he's betrayed her and in that moment, he wants nothing more than to take it all back and to be having dinner with Clarke and O, instead of having this conversation.

"I'm not…I don't really…" she pauses and pulls in a deep, shaky breath, screwing her eyes shut for a moment to try to stop her tears, "I don't really know what I did to make you think that" she says.

He doesn't say anything, because she hasn't really done anything to make him think that. He sighs softly and wonders if he hadn't overheard her and Wells, if he'd be questioning their undefined relationship at all. He realizes that he hadn't heard whatever Clarke's response was to Wells in the cafeteria either and starts to wonder if he just blew up something great over nothing. He wonders if her coming to her senses in a week or a month would really be worse than him doing this before they had a chance to find out if it could ever work between them.

He's never really believes that he deserved to have anything remarkable at all, and he'd always believed that Octavia's existence meant that he would never fall into any kind of meaningful relationship. And all of that was always mostly okay with him…until Clarke. And now he wonders if he's running his chance with her over nothing. He drags his hand over his face and into his hair, rubbing at the back of his neck when he swallows thickly, "You're right" he says quietly, "You're right, you didn't do anything" he adds, turning to face her. "I'm sorry".

She looks at him, hurt and confusion etched on her face and he hates himself in that moment. He reaches out, slowly, until his hand cups her cheek lightly. She tenses for a moment, and he's sure she's going to jerk away from him but she doesn't, she doesn't move at all as he traces his thumb under her eye to collect the tears that are falling. "I'm really sorry" he whispers, scooting along the side of the bed until they are right next to each other and he can lean his forehead down on hers.

She lets him kiss her forehead, and wipe away her tears, and whisper 'I'm sorry' into her hair, even lets him wrap his arms around her and pull her tight against his chest, but she doesn't move at all. She tries to breath deep and even until her tears stop and she can focus again. She brings her hand up and fists it in Bellamy's shirt, feels his hand rubbing slow soft circles on her back as she does. She hates that even though he's the one that upset her, he's also the one she wants to make her feel better. Octavia yells that dinner is ready from the other room and Clarke pulls back from Bellamy slowly. He looks at her with unguarded eyes, for maybe the first time ever and she knows that he is asking for forgiveness. She pushes on the bed a little for leverage so she can lean up and kiss him lightly, his hand fists in her hair, even though the kiss only lasts a moment. "Can we maybe talk about this later tonight?" she asks, a little proud of herself when her voice only wavers a little.

He swallows when he nods and they go out into the main room to have dinner with Octavia.

Dinner is an easy affair, Octavia asks questions about Avery and his recovery and lets Clarke go into way too much detail and medical jargon when she explains. For the first time since Avery's accident, Clarke eats enough to be full and smiles through dinner, it's a relief for Bellamy to see even though he and Clarke don't talk much during the meal. He's not sure if Octavia notices that or not; she's so used to being the center of things at home that he's not sure if her being the one doing all the talking quite registers with her – it's certainly not abnormal.

After dinner, Clarke disappears to change clothes for bed, she's gone for so long that Bellamy is sure she decided to sleep else ware and was trying to figure out what to say. He debates going and knocking on the door and telling her that it's okay, that he understands that he messed up and that he'll cover for her with Octavia until he can figure out what to tell her. She comes out though, in his sweat pants and t-shirt, baggy on her. Her face is red and a little swollen and he hates himself. She manages a bright smile for Octavia though, when she tells her that she's setting out a board game. He wants to tell Octavia that they'll play another night and that this isn't the time, but he's painfully aware of how alone Octavia is all day and how she looks forward to the evenings and he just…can't. So, he sits next to Clarke on the couch while Octavia sits across from them in the chair and sets up the game.

The game is missing some of its pieces, so Bellamy and Octavia have made replacements over the years with whatever they had, so that they could keep playing. Clarke picks up a little person, shaped with aluminum foil and a little piece of paper with a drawn smiley face stuck on the top. She shows it to him with a 'seriously' expression and puts it back down with a giggle. She starts to lean towards him, then seems to remember herself and leans back into her own space. He feels his chest tighten, wants so badly to pull her towards him, rubs his hand against the short hair at the back of his neck instead.

They play through the game three times, Octavia wins twice and Clarke wins once. Bellamy is so distracted that he can hardly keep track of when it's his turn to play. After the third game, Bellamy says that "Some of us have to work in the morning, O" and Octavia makes a big show of rolling her eyes while Clarke helps her pack the board up, but she'd been yawning for the past thirty minutes anyway, so it's not that big of a deal. Octavia goes to lay down in Aurora's room and an awkward moment passes before Bellamy clears his throat lightly, "I can uh…I can sleep out here" he gestures to the couch and Clarke stands so he nods, thinking that she is going to walk past him to his room and sleep. She surprises him though, by taking his hand and tugging lightly, pulling him to his feet and then to his room. He allows himself to be pulled, following her easily. When they get to his room, she goes and sits on the edge of the bed. He closes his bedroom door and almost crosses to sit with her, but that feels to much like earlier, and he wants this to be different, so he leans back against his closed door instead.

Clarke looks up at Bellamy and wonders how she fell so hard for someone so fast, how their lives got so intertwined so quickly, and how she got so invested in a relationship so fast. She swallows and thinks about what he said earlier, if Avery being hurt and things being hard has made her need this – made her welcome something she otherwise might not have. Bellamy just watches her and she wonders what he's thinking before she swallows again and stands. She crosses so that she stands in front of him, close enough to touch even though she doesn't, "There was probably some truth in what you said earlier" she starts soft and slow and she watches his head drop a little, his face fall, and she's glad that at least she's not alone in her feelings. "Things probably escalated faster between us because I was upset and maybe I needed something, needed someone…" she looks away from him for a moment, because she doesn't want to cry. He's looking at the floor, so she's not sure he notices anyway, "…needed you" she sniffles a little and takes an unconscious half step towards him, he looks up at her and she is almost startled by how open and trusting and worried he looks. "I don't know if we ever would have met if Octavia hadn't come to the window that day, or if things would have worked out like this," she gestures between them a little, her hand touching his chest briefly when she does "if you hadn't come back to the Medical Center and sat with me the day Avery got hurt". She pauses, takes his hand and holds it between them, "But that is what happened, and I guess that I don't think the hypothetical matters" she says taking another half step forward.

Bellamy reaches his free hand out and grips her hip lightly. He wets his lips, and she can tell he's going to speak, so she puts her free hand on his cheek and hurries so that she can make sure she says everything she wants to, "I told Avery about you today" she laughs a little, self-conscious, "I told him that I liked you a lot and that I worried that I might like you more than you like me. I told him that you took care of me when I was sad and scarred." She kisses him, just once, light and quick, "I told him that you made me feel safe and warm" his hand snakes from her hip to around her waist, his hand landing on the small of her back, holding her to him, and his forehead dropping to rest on her shoulder. Her hand slides from his cheek to his hair, running her fingers through it lightly, "And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that…maybe I was just nervous, but I should have…you should have known it".

Bellamy's hand fists tightly in her shirt at the small of her back and she wraps herself around him. He's spent his entire life thinking that he would never have anyone he could trust enough to tell about Octavia, that no one would ever care enough about him to want to try accommodate his massive secret anyway, that he wasn't worthy of someone's time or attention or care, that he was his sister's keeper and nothing more to anyone – ever. And though he knows that his insecurities don't excuse his actions, having Clarke stand in his arms and tell him that she cares about him, fixes something in Bellamy that he hadn't know was broken – it's like he feels something slide back into place within himself and he feels lighter somehow. He pulls back from Clarke just enough to put his hands on her face and looks at her, she has small quiet tears on her cheeks and she brings her hands up to hold his wrists gently. He kisses her forehead and realizes that he doesn't know what to say, "you don't like me more than I like you" is what comes out, but Clarke laughs, her fingers tightening against his wrists and he thinks she understands all the same.

...Just the epilogue left after this! Please review!