"Okay, hold up; where do you fit into all this?" Bailey asked, pointing at Legion. "How'd you get there, and why didn't we get any reports of mercs shooting at geth?"

"We tracked major mercenary activity relating to a data store implanted in a strain of Brassica oleracea var. capitata." Legion told him. The mans eyebrows shot up. He pointed at the geth, and gave Garrus a confused look as he sought explanation.

"Pretty sure that's 'cabbage' in 'sophisticated nerd speak'." the turian offered.

"They hid valuable data in a vegetable." Javik let off a rare laugh; the condescending kind, which was probably the only kind he knew. "Primitives are stupid."

"Well, if you think about it, it's so stupid nobody would suspect it. So, in a way, it's probably ingenious." Garrus, drawled, waving his hand around. The start Javik gave, along with the expression of annoyance, told Bailey that somehow the turian was one of the few people who gave as good as they got when it came to the prothean's rudeness. "But yeah; I've seen a lot of weird stuff working with Shepard... but that was kind of unusual, even for a Normandy crew adventure."

"Legion?" Bailey asked. "What happened after Garrus left you near the markets?"

"We detected anomalous reading from a merchant supplying Brassica oleracea var. capitata."

The platform spent several minutes standing where Garrus Vakarian had left it. Surrounding organics gave it looks of mistrust, confusion, and, on occasion, fear. It did a quick local scan to find out where Garrus was... and found nothing. It scanned again.

Negative signals for all technology on Garrus Vakarian's person. Negative signals for all technology within eighty meters of last known position. Possibility of EMP interference; 99.99%. Possibility of personally cataclysmic physically violent contact; 80.49%.

"Okay, whoa; can I just ask why you would assume that?" Garrus interrupted, not two minutes into the geth's explanation. "Just because I go off the grid doesn't mean I'm in mortal peril. Maybe I just want to be left alone for a while, or I'm in a no-tech zone."

"It is part of a logically sound algorithm we developed during the Collector mission." Legion told him.

"You do have a bit of a history, Garrus." Tali pointed out. The turian cast her an exasperated look.

"Oh, come o- Javik, a little support here."

"...You have a habit of getting blown up when you go comm silent."

"Glad to know my crew has so much faith in me."

It came to these conclusions in the space of less than a second. In the time it took for one paranoid asari to realize her omnitool wasn't working, therefor she couldn't report a geth on the Presidium to C-Sec, Legion had already completed a hundred and eighty-nine local passive scans for incriminating technology.

It found one. Oh, it certainly did.

Before anyone could really comprehend what was happening, the geth was was rounding on a nearby merchant, selling cabbages. Before he could realize that the synthetic was looming behind him, the middle-aged man with a grayed goatee found himself being unceremoniously jerked from the floor by the back of his shirt. His batarian customer scrambled for safety with a vegetable in his hands.

"Hey! PAY FOR THA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" his indignant call rose to a high-pitched scream as he was turned in the air, to look his attacker in the face... if there was a face to look at, instead of the glowing crimson eye of the geth he was now facing.

"Scan indicate you are hiding valuable intel withing your goods. Explain, and tell us where Garrus Vakarian is." the geth asked. it gave the man a light shake as he continued to scream. "Cooperation will result in your release. We are attempting to prevent bodily harm from occurring to persons in this area, an-"

Legion was cut off as an asari sent it flying into the cart with her biotics, using one hand to attack, and the other to yank the salesman out of the geth's grip. So powerful was the blast, that both Legion and the cabbage cart were sent flying over the railing and down into the lower levels of the Presidium, much to the dismay of those who had, on that floor, been running from the scene where Garrus and Tali had taken off from with mercs shooting at them, and much to the horror of the cabbage salesman.

"MY CABBAGES!" he cried, gripping fistfuls of his gray hair.

Meanwhile, the cart, cabbages, geth and all hit the ground with an Almighty crash. People turned and ran, some of them having just thought they may have outrun the vehicle shootout that a certain turian and quarian had started, only to presented with yet more death from above. One man came to a grinding halt, and started rocking himself with his arms around his knees.

"The sky is falling... the sky is falling... we're all going to die..." he whispered in horror. "It's the Reapers doing all of it... has to be... the sky is falling..."

"We retrieved what we considered vital intelligence, suffering minor bodily damages in the process."

A hand shot out of the pile of ruined vegetables, a cabbage held high triumphantly by three metal fingers. remaining bystanders gawked even more widely. Legion shoved the rest of the cabbages, and roughly have the ruined cart, off of itself, and the people ran screaming in the opposite direction. Still covered in leaves and various plant bits(much of which was now stuck between various joints), it settled on what remained of the cart and scanned the cabbage it held.

There was an OSD implanted deep at the core of the plant, and initial scans indicated it had a large amount of data on it. For several seconds, the geth just sat there, analyzing the situation.

Garrus Vakarian unaccounted for. 88.03% chance of violent altercations responsible. Safety of a Normandy crew member has been compromised, foul play has been evidenced. Severance of all local communications supports this theory. Standard expected protocol for reporting missing or injured persons in civilian area listed as first course of action in this current situation. Communications with Normandy have been severed. Course of action chosen.

It stood and walked towards the nearest air duct.

"We had to use covert means to reach our destination, in order to minimize civilian panic."

The C-Sec office was still a mess from the attack. But, as least the staff room was mostly intact. Some jerk had nicked the coffee maker, but other than that, things were okay. Until now, as Callert munched on a doughnut; or rather, the salarian equivalent to a doughnut.

They were all chatting and talking as usual, griping about prank calls, or complaining about all the noise the citizen militia was making as they trained in practically every shooting range that could be found on the station(save the Specter-reserved ones). And then they heard it. A banging in the air ducts, like something was coming their way.

"Uh, we might have a situation in the staff room..." Callert called in on his radio, watching the grate nervously. Was that a flash of light he saw on occasion? Was it too much to hope this was just another lost repair man, or a very turned-around duct rat?

Then, 'it' burst out. The head of a geth! And people screamed, reaching for sidearms.

"We wish to report the possible injury of a crew mate, in accordance to standard-" it didn't get the chance to finish it's sentence before several officers open fired. It's head disappeared as it backpedaled, and, far too fast for a geth, there was a banging in the pipeworks once more, before all was quiet again.

Bailey gave them all an incredulous look.

"Are you telling me... that out of the four of you," he pointed at all of them with one very powerful finger of accusation, "the robot was the only one who thought to call the cops?"

"We are not a robot. We are a-" Garrus cut him off.

"Well, your guys did shoot at him, so how about we give them some high praise, for being idiots." He sat back with his hands folded behind his head. "Good deed don't mean much if someone tries to kill you for committing it."

"Whatever." Bailey shook his head. "What did you do next, Legion?"

"We extracted what data we could from the OSD using available resources. We managed to track now it's intended owner; 'Stephen Barreli'. We apprehended him some hours after his confrontation with Garrus Vakarian. He attempted to evade pursuit."

"What'd ya do to him once you caught up with him?" Bailey really didn't want to know the answer...

"We interrogated him using techniques commonly applied by Shepard-Commander."

The man screamed, his face still a bloody mess from a blow decidedly from someone around Garrus' height, if the placement of the swollen bruise was any tell to go by. He screamed, and screamed, and screams, as Legion dragged him over to the edge of the bridge by his ankle, and proceeded to dangle him in the air over the traffic of skycars below.

"Let go of me!" he screamed, struggling(which Legion observed was not only futile, since geth have such strong grip, but counterproductive to staying alive in his current position). "Let go of me, you deranged bot!"

"You will tell us the status and location of Garrus Vakarian." Legion told him. "You will be released afterwards with no further bodily harm."

"Go space yourself!" the man spat, kicking with his free leg to try to loosen Legion's grip. He wanted a looser grip, did he? The geth let it's hand relax, just enough that the human's sock began to roll up along his ankle as Legion's hand slid. At this, Barreli began to panic more.

"No, no, stop! Please stop, no!" he begged.

"You will tell us the current status and location of Garrus Vakarian." Legion restated, voice taking a dangerous tone that it itself didn't recognize or apply with premeditation. To an organic, it might have sounded like 'anger', but Legion didn't recognize such emotions.

"Never!" Legion removed one finger from around Barreli's ankle. Threats to the Normandy crew would not be tolerated. They had to be eliminated.

"Okay, okay, fine, fine; just please stop, please put me down! Stop, stop, stop!" the human cried frantically.

"You will be released afterwards with no further bodily harm." Legion told him.

"But-" he flustered.

"You will be released afterwards with not further bodily harm." the geth said firmly, looking him in the eyes the best way any geth ever could. He whimpered, chin quivering, face red as the blood that pumped through his veins, bruises purple and grotesque against his cheek.

"H-he's in Tayseri ward, with that four-eye creep he had with him!" Barreli gasped. "H-he was just knocked out! They took him to their base out back of Dilinaga Hall! I don't know noth'n more, man, I don't know nothi'n more!"

"We believe you." Legion pulled him back over the edge, and dropped him unceremoniously to the floor. The human went limp with exhaustion and relief, and Legion took the opportunity to handcuff him to the nearby maintenance ladder.

"Wait, what're you doing?" he asked, tugging on the cuffs and coming alive as he realized what was happening. "What're you doing!?"

"Local authorities have been alerted." Legion told him as it walked away, not looking back. "You'll be apprehended for attempted murder."

"Wait! Wait! WAIT!" it continued to ignore his screams, picked up the cabbage where it had left it near the door to the catwalk, and left with the vegetable tucked under one arm.

"We followed the directions as given, and infiltrated the enemy stronghold with unconventional warfare."

"So... did you see that Armax match last night?" A tan and gray-armored guard asked the other, in the back alley behind the Hall.

"Totally. That move with the biotics; totally tubular." The other one, somewhat chubby, replied. The first guard gave a start.

"What was that? That was horrifying." he asked.

"What was?" the other human's brow creased in confusion.

"'Tubular'?" his companion made air-quotes. "What are you, from the nineteen eighties? No wonder you're not married."

They both went for their sidearms as something rolled into the alleyway. Something green and leafy, perfectly lit by the streetlights. The chubbier guard lowered his weapon somewhat.

"What is that? Is that a cabbage." he asked out loud.

"No, it's a unicorn." the other one snorted.

"Har har. You check it out." he poked him in the arm with the barrel of his his gun.

"Wuss." rolling his eyes, the 'braver' guard strode over to the cabbage, and proceeded to cower theatrically.

"Oh, no, scary cabbage! I'm so terrifie-" he was cut off as a hand shot out from around the corner, grabbed him by the armor, and snatched him away. There was a girlish scream, which was quickly cut off. The chubbier guard started to scream, the sound increasing in pitch as the geth appeared from behind the wall.

His screams ceased when he got hit in the face with a cabbage at a force most cabbages ostensibly had not been thrown with, making this particular cabbage a very special vegetable, indeed. Or a rather unfortunate one, depending on point of view.

Legion took the rifle and sidearm from the first guard, checking them briefly before continuing, several of it's runtimes dedicating themselves to sweeping for access to Garrus' visor or Tali's comms, and several others started checking regularly for Prothean technology or lifesigns. Access point located. Garrus Vakarian is not responding. Repeating request for confirmation of safety.

Note: if Garrus Vakarian has been incapacitated/killed, further requests for response will remain unanswered. Situation acknowledged. Request unanswered.

Three more mercenaries burst out of the door, and the Geth gunned them down with ease. They did not appear to have very good training. It glanced at the cabbage once, before picking it up and continuing. Inside, the mercs were surprisingly low in number. Prothean lifesigns detected.

"We located both our allies and their belongings before freeing them."

The Geth paused before smashing in the face of a Turian merc, the collar of his armor held in a titanium grip. It regarded the tactical visor that he had stolen.

"This does not belong to you." it stated, carefully removing the visor from his face as he struggled to break free. Legion threw him out the window, and proceeded to search the other mercs, finding their leader had confiscated Javik's pistol, as well as Tali's omnitool, which was now functional.

Following the lifesigns, which now indicated both Turian and Quarian presence in the makeshift holding cells down the hall, the geth set it's cabbage down before ripping open the nearest door. In it, was Garrus himself.

"Legion!" the Turian's face lit up, and an odd power fluctuation passed through Legion's runtimes, something that, were it an organic, might have been recognized as pride.

"Garrus Vakarian." it stepped into the room. "We are here to retrieve allied assets."

"Good boy!" Garrus praised.

"Is that Legion?" asked Tali's voice from the next room over as the geth bent down and ripped the cuffs off Garrus' wrists.

"Affirmative, Creator Zorah." it answered, handing Garrus his visor(which was very quickly affixed to his face once more).

"Fantastic." came a muffled(and highly sarcastic) drawl from another room as the Geth and turian left through the torn-out door. "The machine has has come to save us. I cannot express how overjoyed I am."

"Play nice, Javik; he's here to help." Garrus admonished as Legion ripped the locks off both the doors. It tore open the one containing Tali, while Garrus pried Javik's cell open with a crow bar. "But nice work on the sarcasm; I might have taught you well after all."

"Turian, there is nothing you could teach me that I would want to know." Legion tore the cuffs off of Tali, and she pat the mobile platform's shoulder.

"Good work, Legion." she jumped to her feet, and paused. "Wha-why are you covered in vegetable matter?"

"We were biotically thrown into a cabbage cart, and fell approximately twenty meters downward." it told her.

"Alright, so you guys escaped. What did you do after that?" Bailey folded his hands in his lap.

"Using available resources, we determined that the leader of the operation to kill Garrus Vakarian was a Turian by the name of Stultus Erratum-" Garrus snickered "- and that his base of operations was in a building at the other end of the ward."

"And what's so funny about the name 'Stultus'?" even Javik was smirking. But Garrus could barely contain himself.

"Sorry." his voice quavered. "But I just can't help it."

"I'm... just gonna assume it's something about the translation." the Commander shook his head. "So, what? You guys just sat there and made up a plan?"

At that, Garrus and Javik suddenly looked fairly sheepish, the Turian's mandibles flicking nervously. Tali simply crossed her arms.

"Go ahead, Garrus." she prompted stonily. "Tell them what happened."

"Does it have to be me?"

"I have a shotgun."

"Hey, Javik, maybe you cou-OW!"

"Hostile forces detected." Legion alerted them, still holding steadfast to it's cabbage.

"Alright, change of plan; Legion, Tals, you two find the nearest skycar once it's clear." Garrus declared, checking the rifle he'd picked off one of the corpses. "Javik, you're with me. How much juice you got left in your biotics?"

"Enough to kill mercenaries with." the point was emphasized by a faint blue glow. The Turian nodded in satisfaction; they were going to do this!

"Alright, then lets-" he never finished the sentence as the door was blasted off it's hinges, followed by jets of grey-blue smoke.

"GAS!" he dove for cover, but wound up crashing into Javik as all feeling in his extremities ceased. For a few moments, it felt like needles were stabbed into him all over his body, and when the sensation stopped, he found himself limp on the floor, unable to move. He did, however, have enough use of his jaw to say one thing.

"Thresher spit."

Indeed, Garrus. Indeed.

This Is Sarcasm: I always wanted an excuse to write Garrus into a sword fight. Originally, it was going to be three-way with Javik involved, but it was just too 'busy' and too long.

Marika Haliwell: Glad I managed to capture him the way you envisioned. And I hope you enjoy this chapter as well!

Whew, FINALLY! I had some SERIOUS writers block for this chapter. As you can see, I've gotten over it... kind of. Expect another long wait, because in my mainstream fic, I've reached a point I've wanted to get to for years, and I'll probably be focused on that.

Next Time: Tali finds herself as a glorified babysitter, Garrus falls in love with man's best friend, and Legion is unreasonably protective of his cabbage.

Cheers!^^