Since English is not my first language, and this is my first fanfic in English, I hope you might tolerate those mistakes I could have made. Thank you.

Look at me

I cannot believe it has been eleven years since I met him, eleven years that I like him. I could say I like him since the first time I saw him, even though I was a child then and I thought that did not make sense. I did not want to be categorized as a victim of the "Nakazawa syndrome" –I myself had forged the name-. This syndrome makes you obsessed, since you are a child, with a fool masculine and scatterbrain odd-fellow who never noticed you liked him because he is only thinking on soccer…and that happened to me. Damn in! I should quit before, I should forget about him before, but he became that special think I needed when I did not see him or hear his voice. Is that love or stupidity? I do not know, but that was it.

I guess I am a masochistic and a coward dumb, because knowing how he was I never dared to confess to him and say he was more than a friend for me. Why would I do that? To get the same answer he used to give to those girls who confessed to him? "Thanks, but I am not interested on having a relationship with anyone". Straightforward, cruelly direct. Watching at those disheartened faces, some even in shock, made me quit of trying to suggest I liked him. But, if my best friend and some of my closest friends realized what was happening with me, I guess I was not so good at hiding my feelings. However, he never noticed them.

He never noticed that I liked to be with him when we were with our friends, leaving aside even my best friend. He never noticed the Christmas gifts I used to give to him not meant "friendliness". He never noticed I was smiling wide when he rejected some girl who confessed to him, because, for me, it was one girl less to worry about. He never noticed I used to go to the Toho soccer matches not because I was a soccer fan but because I wanted to see him –actually I did not like soccer so much-. He never noticed I hated my cousin because of him, because I did not like see him being displaced from the position of main goalkeeper in the Japanese team. And, obviously, he never noticed that I preferred to go to Nagoya instead of staying at Toho University because of him. I could go to Kobe, with my best friend, but I did not do it because the fool of me wanted to be with him. Damn Nakazawa syndrome…

He never knew, and he will not know, how many nights I spent studying to apply and pass the entrance examination to the Nagoya University. Even though I was not a bad student at Toho Institute, I did not like studying so much. So, imagine how hard I had to work in order to be able to pass that difficult examination. Love or obsession, I do not know, but I realized so late that I was doing the same as I criticized many classmates who commented about their loved ones and what they would be able to do for them: losing their dignity and focus their world on someone who was not worth. Or maybe I did know what I was doing, but I preferred to lie to myself saying it was not the same, and of course it was.

I guess I got to feel satisfied because he still remained indifferent to women. Soccer was his world and his only interest. At least, as a friend of his and leaving in the same city as him, I had a perfect excuse to do many things with him, such as going to lunch, go to the cinema sometimes, even going with him to some events with the people of the Nagoya soccer club. All of that was normal for us but from the "friend zone", of course. I think that even if I undressed myself in front of him he would never try to do something to me. He would ask if the temperature was so hot that I had to get undressed, and he would turn on the air conditioner for me.

invitación de su club. Todo eso se me hizo muy normal, claro que siempre desde la posición de amiga, porque creo que ni desvistiéndome frente a él, él habría intentado algo conmigo. Jeje, pienso que si lo hacía él hasta era capaz de preguntarme si me hacía tanto calor que necesitaba quitarme la ropa y que podía encender el aire acondicionado para mí. He is that kind of clueless…

Once, in his birthday –I do not know how or why- I summoned my courage and dared to give him a quick and soft kiss on his lips. The kiss was so fast that I barely felt the touch.

Incluso una vez, en uno de sus cumpleaños –no sé cómo ni por qué- me envalentoné y me atreví a darle un rápido y suave beso en los labios, tan rápido que apenas sentí el toque. He looked at me raising an eyebrow and asked me surprised what the hell that had been. What could I respond? That I wanted to know if he had some feeling about me or if I could produce any reaction in him? Well, no, I could not say that. So, I made up that since I did not know if he would kiss a women in the future, I was giving him his first kiss as a birthday present. He smiled and told me that was not necessary, because he will get a girlfriend sometime. His answer broke my heart because he was right. Some day that would happen, although I did not expect –nor want- that happening any time soon.

A day like so many, after a particularly hard exams time in the University, we agreed to meet to go to lunch. Before he appeared, some of his teammates saw me and, as they used to do, greeted me and said my "boyfriend" was coming soon. I just smiled and said nothing else, because he clarified many times before that we were not a couple –each clarification was a stitch in the chest for me, because I already knew that- but just friends. That I was his kouhai.

I saw him coming and I smiled unconsciously. Afterward I had not seen him for many days. But, as soon as he appeared my smile vanished because I saw a girl running to him and then grabbing him by the arm. She did not let him go even though he tried to let loose from her, because he does not like being touched by anyone. It turn out to be this girl was the nutritionist in charge of the team. When they approached to me she greeted me as if she knew me. Apparently, she learned about me from questions she made to Ken and his teammates. She said "hi, Ken-kun's kouhai", and I thought those words sounded as insults to me. Besides, what is with that "Ken-kun"? Who the hell do you think you are to call him in that way? Just me, his friend for more than ten years, could call him by this first name, not you, newcomer and sickly-sweet I-do-not-care-what-your-name-is. Asshole… She did not even notice how uncomfortable he was trying to let loose of her, or maybe she did not want to notice it.

The truth is she started talking to him as if I was not there. I was there like an idiot, standing in front of them without saying a word, because I did not know what I could say. He did not look at me even once, so, why I should save him from that awkward situation? Then, suddenly, she came out with a story I already knew –from many girls before- stating that "she would like to go for a drink with him some time" or "if he was free that weekend she would cook for him". Oh my, women could be so predictable. When I thought this issue would end with him answering the usual, Ken appeared saying "yes, why not". I can swear I felt like a hole opening under my feet and my heart stopped for some seconds. I hope none of them saw me in that moment, because I should have a scared face for sure. I even felt like my entire body was frozen. She smiled wide because of his answer and told him she would wait for him at her apartment on Saturday. She would tell him her address by message.

Wait a second. He cannot make it, not that Saturday. I looked at Ken in anguish, hoping he would say that, because we had made plans for Saturday. My birthday was that weekend, on Saturday. He looked confused. I really felt like something breaking inside me when he said "I think I had something to do on Saturday but I forgot what was that. So, yes, see you on Saturday". Disappointment, I felt that, disappointment, anger, frustration, pain…I do not know what else to say. He did not see me as a woman, neither attractive in any way, nor as an important friend as I thought. Maybe you think I am exaggerating the situation, but I really hoped he would be able to be with me for a while on my birthday. Although he did not know how important that would be for me.

I guess the kiss she gave him, as a sign of gratitude that surprised him, was the final thrust. She said goodbye to him and then to me, and went wherever she came from. He looked uncomfortable, even flushed, while I wanted to cry for having been so stupid for the last eleven years. I gathered the pieces of my broken heart, clenched my fists and forced my feet to move. He caught up with me and asked where we were going to eat. I stopped and looked at him with anger, anger against myself, against him, against that intruder…against everyone. Then I said I was not hungry anymore and I had to go back to the University. At least he remembered I did not have any class that afternoon, and told me so, but then I made up I had an extra class I could not miss. Before starting to cry in front of him, I reached out and took the first taxi I could, without giving him any chance to tell me anything else. He cruelly ended up with any hope I had about being more than a friend for him some time, and he did not even noticed it.

Paola Wakabayashi and Aiko Fujimiya are OCs created by Tsuki_W.

All the Captain Tsubasa's characters are property of Yoichi Takahashi and Shueisha.

Thank you for reading!