Chap 1 RPOV

What the hell do I do now? I really have no idea. Yeah. Freeing Dimitri's immortal soul seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but now that I've been banished to St. Vlads guest quarters I'm having some serious doubts. Way to go Hathaway. Acting without thinking yet again, has landed me in a crappy situation… In guest housing. I honestly don't know what I expected. Well, I know what I hoped for, but alas. No cigar for Rose.

You'd think that the academy would sympathize enough to give me my old room back for a couple of weeks! But no. Not with 'I have a giant foot up my ass Kirova' around. According to the supremely just, and unyieldingly fair headmistress extraordinaire, allowing me to sleep in my old room at the academy would be rewarding my so called "bumptious inclinations". I don't really know what that means, but I'm pretty sure it was an insult.

At least as far as the best friend situation is concerned, I'm good. Actually, I'm better than good. Lissa had forgiven me long before I even retuned from my semi suicidal leave of absence, and we are stronger than ever. When she opened her door and saw me standing there, her joy barreled into me through the bond and it was amazing. It turned into one of those awkward moments where I was sucked into her head, and forced to look at myself in all of my disheveled post battle/international travel glory. It was weird. I was totally spacing out and looked like a homeless person during hurricane season. I'll be the first to admit, it's pretty freaky after all. I went all ridged and looked possessed. Oh well. That's just how it is sometimes when you're psychically linked to your best friend.

I never thought the day would come when Adrian and I would be incredibly close, but since I returned to Montana, he's hardly left my side. He is a much better listener then he lets on, and has let me come to him in my own time. He is rarely surprised due to how intuitive he is. Well, that and his carefree lifestyle choices have left little to the imagination. Meaning, I can tell him almost anything, and I do. It's nice to have someone know exactly what I have been through. He's been a savior. My own personal angel, dropped from heaven. Well, heaven is a stretch. Heaven probably wouldn't let him within 100 miles of the front gate due to his excessive drinking, smoking, and womanizing ways. But that's just Adrian. You either love him or you hate him. Currently, I'm feeling more love than hate, but with Adrian, that could change at the drop of a hat. Does he still shamelessly flirt with me? Yes. Has he tried anything? No. Hence all the Adrian love. For now at least.

The worst part of this stupid situation I'm in is that I won't be Lissa's guardian. In truth, I won't be anyone's guardian. Unless somebody hires me or something. I broke the promise I had made to her parents, to her, the academy, and to myself. She is one of the only people I had left, and now her life will be in someone else's hands. I can hardly stand it. My mind is always racing. Part of me is grieving the loss of Dimitri, another is embarrassed and ashamed that I won't be Lissa's guardian, not to mention I'm scared as hell about what I'm going to do with my life. Jeez I really am a mess.

"Ugh, what am I going to do" I groaned dropping my head into my hands.

"I hate to break it to you little dhampir, but you did this to yourself. As much as I loved being your sugar daddy, I think it's time I found a more suitable career choice." Adrian sauntered into the room giving me a knowing look followed by Lissa and Christian.

"Well Rose, I guess it's my turn," Lissa giggled plopping down next to me and wrapping me in her arms.

I rested my head against her shoulder and sighed, "No Liss, Adrian's right. I made my bed, and sugar daddies be damned I'm the one who needs to lie in it."

"But Rose" Lissa pleaded, giving me the 'I'm done with your shitty excuses' look, " I want to help. You have to-" I cut her off.

"No Liss. You need to graduate! This bed," I waved my free hand up and down my body for dramatic effect, "is a bed for one. I'm sorry, but you'll just have to make due with Christians bed." Lissa gave Christian a look of adoration, while he rolled his eyes at me.

"Well damn. When you put an image like that in my head I might need to forgo my career change. You sure you don't have room for me in that bed Little Dhampir? I'm a much better cuddler than Lissa," Adrian winked at me. "In fact, I bet I'm the best cuddler in this room!"

"Considering you come with a full bar and the tobacco section from the minimart down the street I'd say not," I retorted rolling my eyes. To be fair, Adrian seemed to have cut back quite a bit compared to his past party man ways. In the last week, I only noticed him smoking a few times and drinking never. Maybe the whole Avery Lazar scenario was still too fresh in his mind and he didn't want to put his spirit magic on the line.

"I think Christian is a terrific cuddler." Lissa said quietly.

"Yeah Rose, you don't know what you're missing," Christian interjected with a smirk.

"Actually, I do know." I said. "I've seen it. All of it. You forget the first ghost I ever saw wasn't Mason, it was your pasty ass!" Christian's hard glare met my eyes and I responded by smiling sweetly. Adrian was laughing so hard he had to lean on the wall for support.

"No!" Lissa yelled angrily, snapping us from our pleasantries. "I won't be left behind. Not again!" I felt a pang of guilt at her words. I had abandoned her after all. I hate that I hurt her. And yet, Lissa has so much residual guilt about letting me go in the first place. She believes that she let me down by not fighting harder for me to stay. Not to mention, feeling like a failed friend for not noticing my feelings toward Dimitri.

Dimitri. Hearing his name is enough to make me violently ill. Hell, just thinking it sends me to a dark place. He is gone, and I am the one who sent him away. My chest tightened and my eyes threatened to shed tears. I hate what he did to me. I hate that I let him do those unspeakable things to my mind, body, and soul. I hated myself for it. I had been his blood whore, his doll, anything to please him. All it took was a few bites and a fucking pepperoni pizza. I am so ashamed of myself sometimes I can barely function. If it wasn't for Adrian and his dream walks, I'd be strigoi. Dimitri and I would be the ultimate undead power couple attempting to take over the strigoi world. So much had happened. It was all too much. Thinking about this made me physically ill. I felt the need to throw up but I held myself back. Like I always do. I needed out of this room now. I swiftly pulled out of Lissa's embrace and hightailed it to the door.

Adrian, noticing my abrupt change in attitude looked at me regretfully, while moving aside. As I was about to pass him, he caught my hand, while placing his own under my chin, and turning my face to meet his. His emerald eyes bore into mine. They were so green and beautiful, yet so full of misery. He was hurting because I was. He was my savior and it killed me to see him this way. He gripped me firmly and whispered "take your time love, I'm here for you." Without breaking eye contact I nodded. With a tender kiss to my forehead, he released me. As my hand grasped the door knob, I put on the bravest face I could muster and turned around. "I'm sorry Liss. I can't do this right now."

Before I could comprehend my body's actions, I was sprinting. I ran until I was in the safety of the forest, leaning on a tree for support. I wished that he was here. Dimitri was the strong one, always making sure I didn't fall. I would give anything to see the old Dimitri one last time. Hell, I would even listen to him spout that stupid Zen crap for days, if It meant he would hold me in those ridiculously long arms of his once more.

Suddenly, I had an idea. I started walking toward the entrance to the academy. Once I had convinced the guards to let me step outside for a few minutes, I took a deep breath and lowered my walls summoning the spirits to me.

"Comrade?" I whispered. The pain of the spirit world was beginning to pulse against my skull. "Comrade," I said a little louder. Minutes passed, and there was no sign of him. Maybe I needed to call his given name rather than my name for him.

"Dimitri? It's me, Rose… Roza."

I waited and waited. He didn't come. The disappointment was welling up within me. My heart hurt. The emptiness inside me burned. Did his soul not want to see me? Was he angry after all? Or did strigoi have no soul to pass on? His death was certainly violent enough to warrant his displaced soul to seek closure. I just don't understand.

I shivered. The sun was rising emitting a faint pink glow dusting low across the mountain tops. Regretfully, I turned back and knocked on the gate. I hadn't realized how long I had been outside the walls of the academy, but different guards were now on duty so it must have been awhile. I was met with looks of pity, and at that moment I didn't care. I felt defeated.