Chapter 1:
Cassette 7: Side A (alternate version)

One... last... try. Hannah thought. I'm giving life one more chance. And this time, I'm getting help. I'm asking for help because I cannot do this alone. I tried that.

- Hannah. Glad you made it. Come in. Sit here.
Thank you.

Porter was the English teacher, but also the guidance counselor for students with last names A through O. Hannah Baker's guidance counselor.

- Are you comfortable? Do you want some water?
I'm fine. Thank you.
- So Hannah, how can I help you? What would you like to talk about?
Well, that's... I don't know, really. Just everything, I guess.
- That's okay, Hannah. I've got as much time as you need. Whenever you're ready.
It's just... things. Everything's so hard right now.

Her voice was shaking.

I don't know where to begin. I mean, I kind of do. But there's so much and I don't know how to sum it all up.
- You don't need to sum it all up. Why don't we begin with how you're feeling today?
Right now?
- Right now.
Right now I feel lost, I guess. Sort of empty.
- Empty how?
Just empty. Just nothing. I don't care anymore.
- About what? Do you want to tell me?
About anything. School. Myself. The people in my school.
- What about your friends?
You're going to have to define "friends" if you want an answer to that question. Seriously, I need a definition. How do you know what a friend is?
- Someone you can turn to when...
Then I don't have any. That's why I'm here, isn't it? I'm turning to you.
- Oh... I'd thought... But, yes. You're here, Hannah. And I'm glad you are.
You don't know how hard it was to set up this meeting.
- My schedule's been fairly open this week.
Not hard to schedule. Hard to get myself here.
- Again, Hannah, I'm glad that you're here. So tell me, when you leave this office, how do you want things to be different for you?
You mean, how can you help?
- Yes.
I guess I... I don't know. I'm not sure what I'm expecting.
- Well, what do you need right now that you're not getting? Let's start there.
I need it to stop.
- You need what to stop?
I need everything to stop. People. Life.

Porter raised an eyebrow.

- Hannah? You know what you just said!? You said you wanted life to stop. Do you mean your life?

Hannah stared at the floor, hands on her face.

- Is that what you meant to say, Hannah? Those are very serious words, you know.
I know. They are. I'm sorry. I don't want my life to end. That's why I'm here.
- Oh. Hm... So what happened, Hannah? How did you get to this point? I know you can't sum it all up. It's the snowball effect, am I right? It's one thing on top of another. It's too much, isn't it?
It's too hard.
- You're talking about life?

Hannah looked up, slowly nodding. Tears were welling in her eyes.

- Here. Take this. An entire box of tissues just for you. Never been used before.
Thank you.

A faint, but thankful smile appeared on Hannah's face.

- Okay. I'd really like to get an idea how you came to that point. You mentioned school, Hannah. Has school anything to do with what you're experiencing?

Hannah shifted on her stool.

I guess. Yes... You could say so. I don't know how to put it...
- Okay. When you think of school, what's the first thing that comes to mind?
Learning, I guess. I'm kidding.

Mr Porter laughed.

I do learn here, but that's not what school is for me.
- I understand. Then what is it for you?
A place. Just a place filled with people that I'm required to be with.
- And that's hard for you?
At times.
- With certain people, or do you mean people in general?
With certain people. But also... everyone.
- Hm.

Porter took a pencil and made a few notes on a sheet in front of him on his desk.

- It would be helpful, if you could be a little more specific.
It's hard because I don't know who's going to... you know... get me next. Or how.

Again Porter raised an eyebrow.

- What do you mean, "get" you?
Not like a conspiracy or anything. But it feels like I never know when something's going to pop out of the woodwork.
- And get you?
I know, it sounds silly.
- No Hannah. Not silly. As I said before, we're here to talk about what brought you here and to find out what should be different, when you leave later. So please, just explain.
It's hard to explain unless you've heard some of the rumors about me.
- I haven't... Well, that's not quite true. I'm a teacher, so of course I do hear student gossip, bits'n pieces of what's told in the halls. But I don't rely on gossip. My opinions about my students are based upon what I'm learning about them when seeing them in class. But I see, these rumors are bothersome to you. Are they contributing to the snowball effect we talked about before?
See, that's it. Not all of them are rumors. Years ago I was voted... you know, in one of those polls. Well, not really a poll, but someone's stupid idea of a list. A best-of and worst-of thing.

Porter slowly nodded, signalizing that he had an idea what Hannah was talking about.

And people have been reacting to it ever since.
- When was the last time?

Hannah pulled another tissue from the box.

Recently at a party. I swear, one of the worst nights of my life.

Porter made some more notes then looked up at Hannah.

- Because of a rumor? Or was there more to it?
So much more than a rumor. But partly, yes.
- Do you want to talk about what happened at this party?
It wasn't really during the party. It was after.
- Okay, Hannah, I understand that. I can imagine how hard it is to open up and talk about something that must have been a truly painful experience for you. I can assure you, that almost everything we talk about here is strictly confidential. Concerning this incident you mentioned, are we talking about a boy?
Yes.

Porter exhaled deeply.

- Hannah, I think I know what you're hinting at, that happened at the party... Just to avoid misunderstandings. As I said before, most things between us are confidential, but you know, if something that could be considered illegal happened, I'll have to report.

Hannah looked at Porter, panic in her eyes.

You mean rape? I'm... no, I don't want to press charges. There were circumstances. I don't want a confrontation. I want things, everything to stop. I want things to be over. I think I'm done here. I think I'd better get on with it. Thank you Mr. Porter

Hannah slowly rose from her stool, turning to the door. After only a hint of hesitation, Porter, too, stood up moving towards the door.

- Hannah, please sit down again.

His voice was firm but gentle.

- There are options. And together we'll find something to solve your problems. But before we come to that, I'll have to ask you something frankly, bluntly.

Porter sat down again and took a deep breath while looking at the notes in front of him.

- Hannah, after all I've heard from you in the last couple of minutes... Have you ever considered suicide?

Hannah looked at Porter, eyes wide open. Then, ever so slowly, she let her head drop on her hands. For a short while nothing was to hear beyond Hannah's silent sobs.

- Hannah, after all these hints you dropped, knowingly or unknowingly, I had to ask this question. I know, thinking, let alone talking about this is excruciating painful. But right now, there's no way around that. Just take your time to answer.

Seconds passed with none of the two saying anything. Finally Hannah, her eyes red and swollen from tears, looked Porter straight into the eyes.

Yes. You're right I thought about ending my life.

Hannah paused again. Then sighed.

All these things that happened in the last years, they built up to this huge burden that rested on my shoulders. I felt like I lost control of my life, that there's none there helping me, friends or family, and that I'd never get rid of all of this again. Thinking about ending my life gave me the prospect of being in charge again - and to finally find peace. And even if I can't tell why, finally having said this aloud, it's relieving.
- Yes, Hannah. I think it's good that you found the courage to tell me. In your doing so we got to the core of things. We can stop the snowball. And then we can move on, step by step, take this burden from your shoulders piece by piece. I do have some ideas about what should happen next. Neither me nor you can solve these problems alone, we'll have to bring in some professional help to make the changes you're longing for. Before I continue, does this sound to you like the way on which we should proceed?

For a moment Hannah didn't move, than she cautiously nodded her head. A shimmer of hope in her eyes.

Yes, I guess it does.
- Great. I'll explain to you what is going to happen next. I'll call your parents right now, they can't be left out. I'll also call Stanford University's Division of CAP. I think you and your parents should present your case to them to get you the best help possible. The rest, we can talk about when your parents are here. Does this sound okay for you?

Hannah only nodded, she had given herself in Porter's hands the moment she had told him about her plan. Now it was for him to decide where to go and how to go on.

Mr Porter?

Hannah rose from her stool again.

I could really use some fresh air.
- I'm sorry Hannah, I can't allow you to leave until your parents are here.
Please. I wouldn't do anything stupid. I just can't sit here anymore, especially while you're doing those phone calls. I need some fresh air to breathe.
- Okay. Give me a minute, I think I do have an idea, a solution for this problem.

Porter took his phone and dialed a number.

- Hi Mrs Humphreys. Would you please make an announcement. I need two students to immediately report to my office...

[to be continued]

Author's Notes:

1. Stanford University's Division of CAP = Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

2. The idea for this chapter came up, when I read the book in my class. Both my students and me were really bothered by how Porter handled his conversation with Hannah. So I tried to envision a different outcome that might have happened if Porter hadn't made the mistakes he made. This means, this story is mostly based on the novel, but it should fit with the show, too.
I do have some (really basic) training in counseling myself and tried to make use of this when writing this alternate version. It isn't perfect, especially the last part of the conversation, when Porter finally confirms his suspicion concerning Hannah's plans would probably take more time and talking in real life (like trying to find out how concrete Hannah's plans are, if preparations already have beeen made and so forth...). But, this is after all fiction.
When commenting, reviewing or criticizing my short story, please bear in mind, that English isn't my native language. So while I really tried to do my best and read it several times to correct errors, grammar and phraseology are certainly not perfect
I do have some rough sketches for how things with Hannah might proceed from that point. So there'll be another chapter sooner or later.

3. Formatting: The way I formated the chapter reflects the formatting of the "Anniversary Edition" of the novel. There dialogues are set in Italic with Porter's part being marked with hyphens. Clay's comments are set in plain. As I left out Clay's comments (with Porter acting different Hannah probably wouldn't have prepared tape 13 even so she made the recording during the conversation...), I needed a narrator to convey some of the reactions and emotions of Hannah and Porter. As I don't like long paragraphs in italics, the dialogues got the plain font and the narrator's comments got the italics. This is probably a more drama-like approach to formatting...