Unrequited Affections
A One-Shot Fanfic by Dimantrien
The moon's full tonight. It stands out in the otherwise dark sky, only occasionally graced with the twinkle of a distant star that provides little light in the gloom. Its light makes the night considerably less dim, illuminating the whole beach. Waves crash beneath the ground I stood on, which sloped downwards a good five feet where the water was. I sat on the trunk of the bent coconut tree where I spent most of my free time with my friends…
I'm sure they'd think that I'm nuts, sitting out here in the cold instead of staying in my warm, soft bed. It makes me wonder sometimes if they still care what I do at all. Nobody seems to care much what I do these days.
I picked up a stone and flung it into the blue waters, counting how many times it skipped until a wave swallowed it, churning foam and sending water molecules sailing through the air. I don't know how long I sat there, contemplating on whether to go back inside my house or leave my fate to the sea, just like that stone. I feel really sleepy now, but after sitting here so long, freezing my toes in the chilly night air, I think that I've pretty much made up my mind.
As I jumped down from my perch on the bent old tree, I remembered all those childhood memories and promises of friendship that the three of us…Kairi, Riku and I…made. All those pledges on being friends forever and always making up after a fight since it never lasted too long anyway. What had become of them now? Were promises, just like everything else in the sad reality, temporary? Was there a certain time that, like trees and animals and people, they would eventually perish?
I don't know. But I have a feeling that the answer is yes, because I don't feel like all those promises are going to be kept. If they really meant true friendship, then why weren't they here? Why didn't they bother to ask why one of their best friends was standing out here in the middle of the night, staring out at the azure waters, looking like half of him wanted to stay back, while the other half was raring to jump right in and lose everything?
I shook my head, smiling slightly at my musings. People always comment that I am too curious for my own good… Maybe I should stop asking myself questions now. After all, what's the point in inquiring something in your head when you it doesn't know the answer? It is the same head that formulated the question in the first place. Yeah, it is pointless…
Walking away from that tree, that tree that brought me such happy memories, made me feel like I really did make the right choice. Why live, when you had nothing to live for? Those memories had come and gone, and recalling them just makes my suspicions of their being false increase. Everything had changed so much…
I knew that there would be change as soon as I realized that I had feelings for Kairi. Sure, she's one of my best friends ever, but somehow as we all grew up I felt that I wanted something more…something more than a friendship.
How I wish I could have told her what I felt, before it was too late. But I was always held back by my own thoughts. What would she say? How would she react? Would she laugh at me and think I was just joking around? Or worse, be so disgusted that she'd never want to be my friend again?
I wish I had never thought of such ridiculous questions. It's just that I realize only now that the Kairi I know would never do things like that. I realized that there really was nothing to be afraid of…but as luck would have it, I realized too late.
If this were a minor problem, I would have confided in Riku. But I thought that this is too personal, so I kind of chickened out. I mean, Kairi was one person—kind and tolerant at that—but Riku? He's my best friend and all, but his personality is…different.
Sure, I should have taken a leaf or two out of his book. He's always confident and cool about things, so almost all the time he makes the right decisions. He's also really competitive. I always knew that we took that in a shallow level, like swordfights, swimming marathons, eating contests and such. We're best friends, but we're also rivals. Ironic, really. What I didn't see that we were competing for something much, much more valuable than that. I remember those past fights when I beat him. Now, being a year younger, I feel it's a real triumph to emerge victorious in a match against the one who taught you how to fight in the first place… it's like an apprentice who achieves such skill that he overtakes his master at his own art.
And so, on one of those rare days that I actually beat him, I had felt a rush of exhilaration at my victory. At the side were our usual spectators, Selphie, Tidus, and of course…Kairi. I always feel like giving it my all when she's watching us battling…like I needed to prove to her that I was strong too, not just Riku. Selphie and Tidus clapped and cheered me on, and Kairi ran toward us after the battle. I felt my heart skip a beat. Was she going to congratulate me? She knew how important it was to me to beat Riku…
Instead, she ran right past me and gave Riku a consoling hug. "Hey, you still have next time, right?" she said cheerfully, lightly punching him on the shoulder. Riku just shrugged and smiled.
Instantly I felt a twinge of jealousy. The first thought that flew into my brain was, Why Riku? Sure, he was also her best friend—both of us were—but he almost always won. He didn't need any encouragement more than he already had…
Fine, so I was a little petty then, but still, I hung back, waiting for her to tell me I did a good job, or at least say something to me. Selphie ran over to us and told me I was awesome, and Tidus asked me if I could teach him some of my moves if I had the time. I smiled faintly at them. They flattered me, but it wasn't the same as hearing Kairi's praise. It hurt me, realizing that she didn't know how much she meant to me. I tried to hide my disappointment, but it was kind of hard while watching Kairi drag Riku down the shore, saying something about a consolatory mango shake or something like that.
It then occurred to me… did she like Riku the same way I liked her?
For the next days, we had less and less time to hang out with each other—at least for me, because I was always alone and when I looked for them, I couldn't find them anywhere. When I did manage to run into Riku, he mentioned something about more sword practices. "So that I can beat you next time," he said. Right. With Kairi cheering you on and telling how good you're getting. I snorted. When did sword practicing become so confidential that he wouldn't want his best friend watching? Unless they were doing something else…
Instantly I had felt another surge of jealousy and anger, but then logical thinking overcame me. It can't be true unless there was proof, right? There wasn't anything to worry about…
Maybe part of the reason I thought that way at first was because I couldn't accept the fact that Kairi would choose Riku over me. I don't know. But still, Riku, like I said before, is really competitive. And most of the time, he twists that competitiveness to his advantage. Translation? He becomes so determined to win, it actually happens…and it's not exactly good for me because I'm on the losing end of the competition.
Which is why I was so worried. If Riku liked Kairi too, then what next?
After that, I became more anxious than ever. How was I going to know if they felt the same way for each other if I didn't see them? And where the heck were they anyway?
Last night, after another futile friend-hunt, I tried one last time to find them. I had been so intent on looking for them in every nook and cranny of the island that I'd forgotten the most obvious place they could be in—their houses. I went to Kairi's first.
The front door was locked. I found that strange; it wasn't late yet, and I knew that Kairi didn't sleep this early. The light inside her room was turned on, so she must be inside.
I walked towards her bedroom window, relieved that I finally found her. As I reached the window, which had dark blue curtains on it and making it hard for me to see, I heard voices.
"You mean it? We're really going to go on a journey?" Kairi's voice. I'd recognize it anywhere. She sounded excited.
"Of course we are. Didn't I just say it a while ago?" Riku's amused voice answered.
"Yeah, but I can't believe it! We're finally going to leave the island. This is going to be a real adventure!"
Now that was weird. I recalled something that Riku told the two of us a long time ago, something about leaving the island and journeying through what lay in the unknown… He told me that was what all our fighting practices were for. So that we could protect ourselves when we went out to explore the world. He said that as soon as we were ready, we'd go away. That was why I've been working so hard to perfect my skills. Since then, we constantly talked about leaving the Destiny Islands and going away.
Three friends working together to know more about the outside world. That was our dream.
Why didn't they tell me we were going on a trip? Not just any trip—it was one that we'd been fantasizing about ever since Riku first mentioned it.
My question was promptly answered after a short pause in their conversation, which was broken as soon as Kairi commented, "It's finally coming true! The two of us going on a…how do you call it? A quest."
I stood up straighter, shocked, looking into the small gap between the curtains, since the two edges didn't quite meet. The two of us? Was that what she said?
Riku laughed. It didn't sound like his normal laugh, which didn't convey much of his real emotions. This laugh was different. He sounded…well, he sounded really happy. "If you're so excited, then we could probably leave a week from now."
Kairi smiled and hugged him. "A week? That's great! We'll—oh wait, what about Sora?" Kairi suddenly asked, pulling away.
Yeah, what about Sora? Had they completely forgotten about me? I felt something then—anger. This time, it isn't about a simple swordfight. It's about our future. Our future as friends. They knew how much the trip meant to me…how much they meant to me. Didn't they feel the same way? And more importantly, why were they excluding me all of a sudden? I had half a mind to push open the curtains and yell at them.
"You know Sora. He loves adventures… I bet he's already planned his journey and chosen what paths to take. He's probably already listed down all the stuff he's going to do a long time ago. He'll be thrilled to tackle the world by himself," Riku reasoned.
Okay…I have to admit, I already have made lists and everything a long, long time ago…but going alone? That wasn't in the plan. And why did he have to speak for me? I never told him about going away without them.
"But…didn't we promise each other that we'd go together?" Kairi asked.
Good old Kairi. She wouldn't think of letting me go away alone…maybe she really cares about me more than I thought she did.
"Hey, don't stop the guy from fulfilling his dreams! If he wants to go alone, we'll let him. We've got to make sure everybody gets what they want," Riku said.
Kairi appeared to be thinking hard for a moment, and then she suddenly relaxed. "All right…if you're sure," she said slowly, stepping closer to him.
"Of course I am," Riku said confidently, staring her straight in the eye as if assuring her that all was well. "There's nothing to worry about. Everything's going to be perfect."
At that point I was just about ready to burst in through the window and tell them what I had to say on the subject, but then I saw something that made my arms to go limp and my voice die in my throat.
"Perfect," Kairi echoed softly, and then their faces inched closer and closer together until their lips touched.
I just watched in shocked horror, feeling my insides coiling and uncoiling painfully. It was like watching one of the boat wrecks while we were outside—watching people carry pale corpses onto the beach, and some working together to haul broken pieces of wood and metal to the shore. It was a repulsing sight, but I couldn't tear my eyes away.
Their kiss went on for over a minute, and I felt something really painful on the left side of my chest. I clutched at it, slowly weakening with every second that passed as they stayed in that position. I saw all of it, every single detail, until they broke apart. Both of them had tinges of red in their cheeks, and the look in their eyes could only be described as two people in love.
I couldn't take it anymore, so I ran. Suddenly I felt empty as I realized that the pain in my chest had gone. I tripped on a rock on the shore and threw my arms out to break the fall. It didn't hurt too much, but as I raised my face slightly from the ground, something liquid, something crystal-like, fell in drops onto the sand.
Tears.
And then the pain went rushing back, like an oncoming truck. I sat up and huddled myself against a boulder, crying. It hurt so much. I don't know how long I sat there, sobbing, with no one to comfort me, while the wind flew past me, stinging my damp cheeks. But none of it mattered. I didn't care if anyone suddenly saw me crying my eyes out on the cold shore. I realized that I needed that—needed someone who would tell me that everything would be all right, reassure me and make it hurt less. But no one came.
Late that night—yesterday, I mean—I awoke. I must have cried myself to sleep then. I stood up and went into my room. I couldn't sleep. Nothing meant anything anymore: the swordfights, the island, the adventure. I just wanted everything to end, to make the pain end. It wouldn't though. Up until now.
That's how it all started. In the course of less than twenty-four hours, I've thought everything through and came to this conclusion. It's not like I'm a person of great importance in this island… just another mouth to feed, just an inquisitive, enthusiastic, happy-go-lucky kid. At least that's what everyone says I am.
For all the years I've stayed here, I think they haven't known me well enough. So, the only logical explanation for that would be because they didn't care enough to get to know the real me, right? Although I must say I was exactly that description…cheerful and animated with a never-say-die attitude…before.
It's quite ironic because I'm the complete opposite now: depressed, lackadaisical, and on the verge of giving up life. I chuckled mirthlessly at that thought. Who would imagine that I'm even having less-than-cheery thoughts right now? Who would think that I would die because of a heart that's been emotionally destroyed? Right now I wish it could have stopped beating altogether, since it would be a better option than drowning myself. It'd provide a less disturbing reason too—people would think I'd died of a mysterious disease or something.
I slowly walk toward the sea. By now, everybody must be fast asleep. I wonder what their reactions might be when some fisherman would find me and drag me back to shore? I could just imagine it now… Wakka being clueless as ever. "What do you mean he drowned? That's impossible! I taught that kid to swim!" Well, Wakka, you could always say that I got it bad during a violent storm… Tidus, denying the truth… "Sora? But—he can't. He'd never do something like this…" Wouldn't I? Sorry, Tidus. Guess I won't be able to teach you any moves now. What about Selphie? "But…I don't understand. Why would he do this? He always seemed so happy." I always was, Selphie, but things change.
I slowly wade deeper into the waters. I feel a little guilty, not saying goodbye to those three…they're so friendly to me, and they always encourage me to do my best in battle. Sometimes I have practice fights with them so that I can beat Riku…
Riku. What would he say? "Sora, why would you do something so stupid?" Would he even grieve my death, seeing as he didn't sound like he cared less about our friendship last night?
Fine, so he doesn't know that I love Kairi too. I'm sure he had good intentions when he said I was going to make it alone…
The water's up to my chin now. Suddenly I feel really tired and sleepy as the waves push me around…
Thanks for being my friend, Riku. I remember what you said yesterday… "I bet he's already planned his journey and chosen what paths to take." I guess I am going on a journey now, and I've chosen this path. You were right about me, buddy. I just wished that you could read my emotions like you can read my mind. It hurts too much. Thinking about you and Kairi hurts too much. But still…thanks.
Lastly, Kairi. All of my friends aren't mind readers, so whatever thoughts I just addressed to them probably won't get anywhere. Tears spring from my eyes once again as I imagine Kairi's face, her auburn hair and her blue eyes full of laughter and life. I don't need to send you a telepathic farewell, because I already wrote you a letter. I'm sure you won't miss it, since you have to go through your whole room to think about what things to bring with you on your and Riku's quest.
Ow…that's my heart again. Why does it always feel a stab of hurt whenever I think about my two best friends together? Oh well. I think I'm getting used to it. Besides, it doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday, when I found out about Riku and Kairi. I should accept the fact that they need each other. They don't need me anymore. Nobody really needs me, I guess. Everybody will get along fine without me. I bet all the adults would be relieved, not having to worry about that kid who steals fruits from them ever again.
I laugh, a picture of one of the old men who sell those fruits chasing after me in my mind's eye. I'm not all that bad, mister. I do pay for the fruits…eventually. I'm gonna miss you too. I'll miss everybody.
I'll miss Kairi the most. But I bet she's perfectly fine with Riku. He'll be there to protect her. I always wished that someday I could be the one that Kairi would depend on whenever she's in trouble. It's never going to happen now. Riku is better than me at fighting anyway, right? He'd do a better job.
I remember the first lines of my letter to Kairi, which I had written this afternoon and put on her desk about an hour ago.
Dear Kairi,
I'm sorry for leaving you guys. Still, I'm sure you'll get plenty of distractions once you and Riku start your journey. There's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time now. I—
At that moment Kairi had barged into my room, startling me. Flustered, I quickly slammed a book down on the piece of paper I was writing my letter on.
I had looked up at her then, feeling the disappointment and pain all over again. I tried to hide it, though. She couldn't know how much hurt I was feeling or she'd be worried and ask me what was wrong.
"Are you okay? You look kinda pale," she had said concernedly.
I forced a big grin. "Nah. I'm fine. Do you need something?"
Kairi had just stood in the doorway, and for a moment there was a look of sadness in her eyes. But it was so quick, I couldn't be sure it actually happened. After a short pause, she said, "No, I was just checking in on you," she said with a smile. I nodded, shifting my gaze to the wall of my room to prevent her from seeing how painful it was to look at her.
"Are you sure you're OK?" she asked again.
"Never better," I told…the wall. Right. I'd never feel better again…
At the corner of my eye, I saw Kairi relax. "Sorry for being so jittery. You know, we should hang out sometime. We haven't been seeing each other too much the past few days."
"Uh-huh." Of course we didn't hang out. You were too busy making out with Riku and planning the sweet exciting things you would do together on your adventure, right? Is that a casual way of explaining to other people that you're going to elope? I had thought bitterly.
"I…I guess that's all. I'll tell you about the plan later, Sora. See ya!" Footsteps thundering down the stairs were heard, then the front door slamming. No sooner had the loud sound reached my ears did the tears start streaming down my face again.
A seagull's distant call snapped me back to the present. Dawn would be coming soon…but it would still be too early for people to go fishing. I had all the time I needed.
The crystalline drops that emitted form my eyes mingled with the sea, shining slightly as the moonlight passed through them. Somehow, now that I tread water and stare at the full moon, I start to relax and feel slowly at peace. This must be what it feels like to know that death's coming for you and you just have to wait for it…
Closing my eyes for a moment, I relished the feeling of being in the sea on a cool night…or is it morning already? I have always loved the sea…loved the Destiny Islands… but with all my dreams—no, our dreams—of leaving it and facing what lies beyond, I knew that there would be a point when I had to leave it behind.
And I will.
The last thing I see now is the moon, beautiful yet melancholy in its own way. There's something about it that makes it look so enchanting that it's hard to take my eyes from it…kinda like when I look at Kairi… But it's different now. I couldn't even look at her while I was writing the letter. I'm just glad that she's finally going to achieve her goal. She and Riku could make it together.
A cloud shifted, and it grew darker as it covered the moon. I take it as a sign. A small voice at the back of my head whispers, It's time to go, Sora…
I close my eyes again, for the last time. Images flash back as I did so, me when I was little, playing with Selphie and Tidus, me at thirteen, talking to Riku and Kairi about all the stuff we'd do once we had left the island, and one more mental picture: me standing on a cliff overlooking the sea, staring at the moon, alone.
And for one last time… all of my friends' faces appearing in my mind in rapid fire succession. Wakka, Tidus, Selphie, Riku…
Then it slowly disappeared… the last vision being Kairi…and faded away into blackness.
~*~*~*~
Sunlight streamed in through the open window, which was conveniently placed across the bed, hitting the sleeping figure in it square in the face. Outside, people were shouting…
Kairi opened her eyes for a brief moment before immediately scrunching them closed again under the wrath of the sun. Vaguely she heard one of the people in the commotion outside, whatever it was about, calling her name. Yawning and forcing herself out of bed, she walked slowly to her window.
"Mess Ka'ri! Mess! Wekkup!" Kairi recognized the voice of Flip, a somewhat dimwitted yet kindly middle-aged fisherman who was never too busy to lend them his boat when they wanted to ride out to sea.
Rubbing her eyes and trying to suppress another yawn, Kairi opened the window fully and looked down at Flip, who was jumping up and down. "Yes? What is it?"
"'S un of yur friends, Mess. 'E's floatin' on the sea," Flip said dimly.
Knowing Flip, he probably just saw the person swimming around too early in the morning, Kairi thought, failing to cover up another yawn. "Oh. Okay."
Looking distressed, Flip wrung his hands. "But Mess! Yur friend—"
"I'll be right down, Flip. Just woke up, gotta eat breakfast, you know," Kairi said, holding up a hand with a cheerful smile. Flip sighed, shrugged, and reluctantly left.
"Kind old Flip. He's probably worried that whoever that was would catch a cold or something," Kairi said to herself. She changed into some clean clothes and brushed her hair, then sprinted towards the door. As she went past her desk, she didn't notice a piece of paper that was held down by a thick book. She walked right out the door without a second glance.
The thick book, which was used as a paperweight for the tear-stained sheet, was appropriate for holding it down but did not fully cover the whole paper. The bottom end of the letter jutted out from under it, rustling as the sea breeze entered swiftly through the window and ruffled through it. On it was written the last words of a disconsolate and tormented heart that gave up everything for the sake of a powerful, enigmatically self-contradictory force—one that can give you eternal happiness and fulfill all desire, yet can viciously wound your soul and leave you in implausible anguish—: love.
Even though you've never felt the same way for me, I'll always love you. Goodbye forever.
~Sora