A/N: Well this is the last chapter, it ended up being a lot longer than I had initially planned for it to be. It seems that Amanda and Carisi had a lot more to discuss than I thought, lol, but these characters really do write themselves :) Thanks for sticking through with this story and the long delays between updates hehe.
Amanda was warm. The air smelled sweet and a soft breeze was blowing through her hair. The young mother watched as her little girl was finding her way up the steps to a small slid for the first time on her own. Jesse's loud giggling the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. She felt a kind of gentle happiness she had never anticipated ever feeling.
Slowly Amanda became aware of a slight weight in her arms. She looked down to find her holding a small newborn swaddled in a light green blanket. She was in love all over again. She knew this child in her arms was hers, her smile grew as she saw the small infant open its blue eyes to stare at her.
"It has your eyes" Amanda heard a voice say from behind her as she felt a strong hand land on her shoulder "and my chin" the voice laughed. She saw Carisi's head peak past hers as he leaned over her to gently caressed the side of his child's face.
"Sonny," Amanda said, happy to have the father of her child next to her. To be with her and her children. She watched him as he leaned back and took several steps forward. "Sonny?" Amanda repeated at this display of strange behavior.
Suddenly the warm feeling was gone, replaced with fear and dread. The soft sounds of the park had ceased and the air became cold. "How could you Amanda" Carisi hissed as he turned to face the young mother, his face contorted in anger. "How could you!" he yelled causing Amanda to back up in fear.
"Wait? I don't understand?" Amanda said confused, raising her hands in surrender "What did I do?" she was utterly taken aback by the sudden shift in events. Only moments ago, she was the happiest she had ever been, but now she was afraid of the one person she thought could never have betrayed her.
"You know what you did, look at your hands" he yelled as he pointed an angry finger at her
Amanda looked at her hands and noticed that her baby was gone. It was replaced by a patient intake form from an abortion clinic the nurse had told her about before she had left the hospital. She was shocked. A deep chill ran through her and she knew she had terminated her pregnancy, she had hoped that no one would find out. That Carisi wouldn't find out, but he knew. "I…" she started, not knowing what to say.
"You're what? The person who killed my child. Took away my right to be a father without even discussing it with me" Carisi looked disgusted "how could you, Amanda, I could have been there. I would have supported you, but you lied to me. You took away my voice in this matter" the pain irradiating from the Italian detective was so intense Amanda, herself, could feel it.
"I'm sorry" Amanda pleaded, feeling the sharp pain of guilt strike through her as she saw the tears gleaming in his anger filled eyes
"That doesn't matter, Amanda," Carisi said harshly "I can't look at you, I can't work with you. I never want to see you again" and with that said Carisi turned his back, vanishing into the black void that was quickly enveloping her world.
Amanda shot up in bed. Her heart racing and her body and clothes drenched in a cold sweat. She sat in her bed for what felt like an eternity, taking in heavy breaths as she tried to regain some oxygen in her burning lungs.
It took her several seconds to realize that it was all just a dream. She had not aborted the pregnancy, Carisi had not found out, and he didn't hate her yet. That last thought sent a spike of nausea straight through her. Amanda clutched at her mouth as she rose from her bed and scrambled to her bathroom. She wasn't fully awake yet, and as such, she almost fell several times on her way to the toilet.
When she finally did reach her destination, she unceremoniously dropped to her knees and heaved the meager contents of her late dinner. She instantly regretted eating the food Carisi had prepared for her.
After she was done throwing up she continued to keep her head in the bowl, not having the energy to even lift herself up. She was focusing on taking slow shallow breaths when she felt a soft hand rub her back and pull her hair away from the white lid. Amanda instantly stiffened, she realized she must have awoken Carisi.
"I'm sorry" Amanda found herself saying, bringing her back to that horrible nightmare she was just in not more than a minute prior
"Don't be sorry, Amanda, this is what I'm here for, remember" Carisi's gentle voice was caring and soft, not at all like the yelling and anger she had experienced in her dream.
"I'm okay, this was just a nightmare" Amanda claimed as she leaned back and attempted to get up. She was halted halfway in her attempt by the room spinning around her. Amanda would have fallen back onto the floor had it not been for Carisi's strong grasp to catch her.
"Whoa, Amanda, take it easy. I got you" He said as he grabbed onto her with both hands and helped lead her into the living room. He pulled out a kitchen chair and had her sit down. "Sit right here, I have something that can help settle your stomach"
"Thanks, Carisi," Amanda said as the room finally began to stop spinning around her. "I don't know what happened. That dream really messed with my head" she found herself admitting without thinking
"Do you want to talk about it?" Carisi asked as he opened a can of ginger ale and set it in front of her
"No, not really" she gave him a tentative smile to prove that she was alright and took a small sip. It wasn't until she placed the can down on the table, and spun it around in her grasp, that she realized what she was drinking "wait? I don't have ginger ale here, where did you get this from?" she questioned as she looked at him and then to the grocery bag on her counter that she barely noticed. "Why did you buy this? When did you buy this?"
Carisi looked sheepish as he looked back at the counter and then at his shoes. "Well… I uh… I knew that you'd be needing some. So, after you fell asleep, I used an app on my phone to have one of those delivery services pick me up some things"
Instant dread began to fill her. She thought back to when she was pregnant with Jesse, and how Carisi had been the first to figure it out, only shortly after she, herself, and learned of it. "What… How? When?" she didn't even confirm if he was thinking of her pregnancy and not something else. She just knew that he knew.
"I figured it out when you were eating dinner," Carisi said as he scratched the back of his head, Amanda had learned a while ago that this was Carisi's nervous tick he had when he was being interrogated by her.
"Dinner? What did I do during dinner?" Amanda thought back to what she had eaten or how she may have acted. She didn't think she had done anything strange for someone who had just been released from the hospital.
"You put ketchup on your eggs, you only ever did that when you were pregnant with Jesse" Amanda figured she must have had such a look of disbelief on her face because Carisi simply smiled and shrugged before adding "I tend to notice what people eat, so I know what type of food I can make them"
"I… I'm" Amanda didn't know what to say. She knew she would have to deal with this situation someday, she just didn't think it would have come so soon.
"It's okay, Amanda, you don't have to explain anything to me. I know you like your privacy. Just know that whatever happens I'll be here for you" Carisi said earnestly as he sat down in the chair next to Amanda and gently grabbed her hand "and if Alex doesn't treat you and the kids right, just know that I'll be first in line to kick his ass" he added as a joke
Amanda felt another strong sting of guilt as those words left his mouth. She could not help the tears that had suddenly formed in her eyes. "Geeze, no, Amanda, I didn't mean to hurt your feeling. I'm an idiot. That was a joke" Carisi hurriedly added, fearing that he had said the wrong thing and crossed a line
"No, Sonny, it's not…" Amanda took a deep breath. She needed to tell the truth about Alex, about the pregnancy, because if she didn't do it then she didn't know if or when she would be able to do it again. "You didn't say anything wrong. I just haven't been telling the truth" Carisi looked at her confused, but there was no sense of judgment on his face. "Alex is not my boyfriend, it's not even a he. Alex is another mom from GA and we've been hanging out for the support and for playdates with the kids"
Carisi leaned back in his chair. He was stunned. When the Italian detective first came to the realization that his partner was pregnant, he concluded it had to have been Alex, her boyfriend, who was the father. But now that Alex was a just a friend, a female friend, he didn't know what to think. "Why…" he started off with pure confusion covering his face "why would you lie about having a boyfriend?" he asked simply
Amanda pursed her lips as she thought about her next few words. "I don't know, I just" she let out a jagged sigh when she couldn't help her eyes from continuing to gather tears. Amanda hated acting like an overly emotional person, and the fact that she couldn't even pull herself together long enough to say a complete sentence frustrated her; unfortunately, her frustration only fueled the hormonal torrent of uncontrollable feelings raging inside of her, creating a vicious cycle that was about to send her spiraling.
Carisi was able to sense the forthcoming breakdown from the young mother before him, and his natural instincts to comfort her took over. He slowly leaned forward and embraced Amanda in a gentle hug, rubbing her back in reassuring circular motions "It's all right, Amanda, I am not here to judge you on your reasons. I just want what's best for you, best for Jesse and the new little one" he felt Amanda start to pull away from his grasp so he quickly let go.
Amanda let out a harsh chuckle as she finally sat back in her chair, whipping away the treacherous droplets from her eyes "will you not do that" she said with a painful smile. She truly appreciated Carisi and everything he does for her, but it is his kindness that was making what she needed to tell him so difficult.
"Do what? Hug you?" Carisi asked, again confused because he could tell that it wasn't the hug that was bothering Amanda.
"No, be so damn perfect" Amanda replied not really thinking about what she was saying
"You think I'm perfect?" Carisi answered back surprised, but for some reason, he enjoyed that comment. The idea that Amanda thought he was perfect, made him feel more central to her life than he knew himself to be, and he had to admit that he liked the sound of that.
Amanda quickly rolled her eyes, she could practically see his ego inflating. "No, Sonny, what I mean to say is that sometimes you're so caring that I think it's easy to misinterpret your intentions. I wonder what Conny must feel like being with such genuine man like you" again Amanda spoke without thinking. That was the problem she had been having with Carisi ever since Jesse was born. He made her feel so safe and warm that she would find herself unconsciously letting down her walls that she had spent a whole lifetime creating.
"Conny?" Carisi questioned back, now truly confused about what Amanda was talking about. He didn't even know that Amanda knew about his therapist. "What does she have to do with anything?"
"Nothing, just forget I even mentioned your girlfriend," Amanda said with a slight wave of her hand, she didn't want to talk about the woman sleeping with Carisi anyway.
"Girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend, Amanda, why would you think that?" He asked
"Well, Fin told me she was" Amanda started slowly, slightly embarrassed about the mix-up "I mean, you kept on ditching us to be with her. If she's not your girlfriend then who is she?"
Carisi let out a sigh as he scratched the back of his head again, he was looking everywhere but at her "she's my, uh, therapists" he blurted out, squeezing his eyes shut at the last word. He knew her feelings on paying people to listen to your problems. He was worried that he would appear lesser in her eyes.
"Therapist?" Amanda parroted "Since when?"
"Well, after the case with the boy that was killed on the courthouse steps. It, uh, it really messed with my head, with my sense in life. Lieu helped me out by letting me talk to her shrink about a referral. That's how I met Dr. Connally. She's been great, I feel so much more comfortable about a lot of things now" he said as he looked down looking sheepish again "I just didn't know how to tell you, or Fin for that matter"
"Oh Sonny," Amanda said saddened by his confession "I'm sorry that you felt like you had to keep this a secret from us, from me," she said as she leaned forward this time giving him the much-needed hug
Carisi let out an awkward laugh as they broke apart "okay, enough about me, we should be talking about you" he gave her a real smile "you're going to be a mom again, and I know that you don't have to tell me who the father is, but can you at least tell me how far along you are?"
"I'm seven weeks pregnant, I actually just found out at the hospital yesterday" she spoke easily, wondering if this really was going to be the moment that she'd tell him the truth. Tell him about their shameless act he probably had no memory of. Their night of drunken sex, which was precipitated by the very event that had caused him to seek out therapy.
"Wow, this really has been a rough day for you, huh" he answered back without much thought. Before he replayed her words in his head. "Seven weeks" he repeated quietly, not sure why it felt so important to him until a sudden memory came flooding back "oh my God!" he exclaimed as he jumped up from his chair. He was suddenly filled with such nervous energy that he didn't even notice the startled expression on Amanda's face.
"Sonny" Amanda called as she felt a pit grow in her stomach, but her words seemed to have no effect on him
"I did it," he said not looking at her as he began to pace across her small living area, his hands clasped behind his head "it's my fault, you were drunk and I took advantage of you" he still wasn't looking at her
Amanda's heart dropped at his words, not only did he remember what had happened after they had left the bar, but he felt like he had somehow been an aggressor "Sonny" Amanda said getting up from her own chair and standing in front of him, she pulled down his arms so she could hold onto his hands "you didn't take advantage of me. From what I can recall, I was completely willing. I didn't even think you remembered that night, I actually thought I had taken advantage of you somehow" Amanda said with an uneven smile as she confessed to him
"How could I ever be unwilling to sleep with you" Carisi blurted out before thinking about his words "wait, I mean, I didn't mean…" he stammered as his face became red "um, no, I remembered, but you avoided me right after. I thought you were angry, I didn't know how to approach you about it; so, I gave you the distance you seemed to have wanted"
"Looks like we both made some very bad assumptions that caused us to have a lot of misunderstandings. Well, more so for me than you, I mean, I pretended to have a boyfriend because you were seeing your therapist" Amanda laughed finally letting go of Carisi's hands so she could awkwardly scratch her own head.
"Wait, you made up having a boyfriend because of Conny? You were jealous" Carisi had the largest smile on his face
"I wasn't jealous, I was just…" she thought for a moment "I didn't want to be single when you were not" she cringed at her own horrible lie, that only dug her deeper into the whole she was trying to climb out of
"What are we going to do now?" Carisi asked, his tone suddenly very serious. Now that he was sure he hadn't taken advantage of Amanda, he was starting to like the idea of being a father, but he wanted to know what Amanda was planning before he would break out into a dance
"I don't know" Amanda whispered as she took a step back. The levity of the situation suddenly felt like a weight on her chest, constricting her lungs "I don't know if I can handle another baby so soon" she stated honestly and she watched his face fall
"No" he whispered crestfallen "please, Amanda, don't tell me you're going to abort our child. Please!" he pleaded as he took a step closer to her causing her to take another step back.
"I haven't decided anything yet, Sonny, like I said I just found out" Amanda explained as she subconsciously placed a hand on top of her stomach "this is a huge responsibility, I don't want to bring a baby into this world when I can't provide for it. I won't let my children grow up hungry because I couldn't make the right choices. I won't let my children grow up like I did"
"They won't," Carisi said fervently "I will provide for all three of you, I promise. I'll start working more overtime, I'll even pick up an extra job if I must. You and the kids will never be hungry, will never have to want for more. Please, trust me, Amanda, I'll take care of it"
Amanda almost couldn't look at him. The intensity and sincerity of his words were almost tangible enough for her to touch, but she had been told these lies before. Never by men as honorable as Carisi, but the scars were already there. "You can't promise me that, Sonny, not something so large as this," she said sadly
"I can" Carisi fired back instantly "and I will follow through on it" he added as he grabbed her hand and brought her closer to himself "please trust me" he implored with his eyes shining. He knew that his entire future hinged on her decision.
Amanda waited several seconds before answering, tears were already gathering at her eyes again "alright" she said with a small smile as the first tear fell from her eyes "let's do this"
"Really?" Carisi responded excitedly, to which Amanda only gave him a nod. Her smile grew wider as his own excitement took him over. "Yes! Thank you, Amanda, I'll be the best father you could ever ask for" he exclaimed as he lifted her up by the waste and span her around
"Sonny" Amanda laughed at his antics but demanded to be put down anyway. She had only recently thrown up and she knew that spinning wasn't the best of ideas. Carisi had quickly realized his mistake and placed her back down with an apology. "It's alright," she said still smiling "but, uh, I know you said that you would provide for me and the kids, but you don't have to. Just focus on this one" Amanda said as she grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach, where their child was. "I can take care of myself and Jesse, I won't become a burden you need to bare"
"Burden?" Carisi said as if that was the most absurd thing he had ever heard "I would never consider you a burden. I care about you, I love you. I have since the day I first met you, and regardless if I am the man in your life or just a man in your life, I will always love you"
Amanda didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything at all. She simply leaned toward him and kissed him with a passion greater than the kisses they shared the night after the bar seven weeks prior.
No one had ever said such a thing to Amanda before. No one had made such a strong declaration and actually meant it. It made her heart swell with feelings that she could hardly describe. For once in her life, she wasn't afraid of the future, she was looking forward to it.