Author's Note: I've fallen so in love with the Bat Fam I decided to start this collection. No regrets.

These oneshots may not have any relation to each other. They will not feed into to an overarching plot and are not meant to be interconnected (so don't be surprised if you see multiple Bat Fam identity reveal fics, for example, lol). Consider each oneshot its own AU unless otherwise stated.

Title: #screwed
Characters/Pairings: Jason, Dick, Damian, the original Team
Ratings/Warnings: T; rated for language
Category: Gen
Summary: In which a toddler hijacks a ride through the Zeta Tubes. As told from Jason's POV.

"Jaaaaayyyyyy!"

He's half asleep, but even from the borderlands of his dreamscape, he recognizes that tone, and without thinking, he nearly snaps, "Shut the fuck up, dickhead! I'm reading."

Until his brain catches up and he realizes that, no, he's certainly not reading. There isn't even a book in his vicinity, and he's not sitting in favorite comfy armchair in the Manor's library. He's actually lying on his back on the plush carpet of Mount Justice's common room, eyes closed, every inch of him itchy with dried sweat and aching with the punishment Black Canary dealt him during their special training session, courtesy of the Big Bad Bat, whose great parenting strategy has everything to do with more intense training and nothing to do with what real parents call 'grounding.'

He actually is grounded from the field, too, for the mistakes he made during the last mission, but that's beside the point.

The point is, he's so out of it he nearly responds to that tone and that voice with a conditioned retort that never does anything to prevent his brother from bugging him but is always worth saying anyway, just to see if it'll work this time.

In the end, Jason's so disoriented it takes him a minute to solidify his presence in the here-and-now, to shake off that out-of-body sensation and reassess that not-quite-sure-what's-real disconnection.

He's already decided he's not reading, and he's not at the Manor. The biggest realization comes last: he's not Jason Todd. Not right now, anyway. He's still in uniform, and that means no one has any business calling him Jay. He's Red here.

A quick blink of his eyes reveals that, yeah, he's also still surrounded by the Team, who watched him get his ass handed to him not even three minutes ago. Every single one of his teammates has their eyes trained on the Zeta-Tube entrance, heads cocked. Wally, in particular, worries his lip and exchanges a speedy (ha ha) look with Jason, confirming that he hasn't dreamt up that much.

But it doesn't make any sense. Dickiebird's on babysitting duty tonight. He knows he's not allowed to leave the Manor when it's his turn to babysit. And no way in helldid he break Bat Rule #2, which fell right between "We Do Not Kill" and "No Supers in Gotham."

No Names in the Field.

"What the fuck?" he mutters, slowly rolling up into a sitting position.

"Language, Redbird," Kaldur chides.

Jason ignores him. "Was that Robin?"

Artemis' feet dangle from over the armrest of the couch, and she jabs at his shoulder with her toes. Jason swats at her, striking a solid blow. "At least your reflexes haven't taken a leave of absence. Unlike your brain," she says. "The Zeta just announced him."

"And guest," M'gann supplements, a curious lilt in her voice.

"Guest," Jason repeats in a deadpan.

"I've never heard of the Zeta system doing that before," Kaldur says with a frown. "Maybe we should…"

"Guest," Jason says again, as though savoring the word. A slow grin begins to spread across Jason's face as he realizes what this means. Golden Boy's done fucked up, and he gets to see it happen. In real time.

What a glorious day.

Jason rolls to his feet, ignoring every sore muscle's protest. "Wait here," he says absently, and without waiting for a response, he sets off down the hallway. Wally zips ahead, as expected, and Jason doesn't stop when the others call his hero name.

When he reaches the entrance hall, he's greeted by the sight of Dick stumbling around, the demon baby clinging to his leg like a tree frog, refusing to let go, and babbling a repetitive string of forceful "no!"s.

"Oh, shit," Wally says as Jason slides into the room. "Hey, um…Rob…"

"Not now, Wally. I need to—Damian, shush! It's alright! If you don't let go, we're both going to fall over, and neither one of us will be happy about it."

The sight's so beautiful, Jason takes a second to absorb the moment, to truly appreciate it, and then starts to laugh.

"Jay!" Dick exclaims once he sees him, turning away from Damian, which, honestly, doesn't do anyone any good because the attention-seeking brat's demands only increase in volume. "Thank God."

"Thank God? God can't save you now. You're screwed," Jason says between gasps, and Wally nods sympathetically. "You're so, so screwed."

"I realize that," Dick says. "Can you just—?" The toddler attached to Dick's leg tightens his grip, pressing his face into his sweatpants, and Dick cards his hand through Damian's thick hair. "Dami, c'mon, I'm not going anywhere without you, okay?"

Damian says one more 'no' before falling silent, clutching even tighter.

"And this right here is exactly why I never want to be the favorite," Jason mentions. Damian takes offense to that, somehow, and he unlatches himself from Dick to scowl at Jason, turning on an angry mini-Bruce glare that is more hilarious than it is intimidating, especially considering the pout that follows when Damian sees Jason is unmoved. "The fuck were you thinking?"

Dick frowns at the language but doesn't comment on it. Instead, he whines, "I was thinking that you weren't answering your texts and I needed a textbook I left here!"

"So, what?" Jason demands. "You decided to come here yourself?"

"And you realize you could have tried me, too, right?" Wally says. "C'mon, man!"

"You don't think I exhausted every option I had before I hadto come here?"

Jason and Wally give each other long-suffering looks. The two of them have little in common outside of the Team and Dick, but this time, it's clear they both don't appreciate the hint of accusation there. They just got out of training. Dick can't blame them for not checking their texts.

"Bats is going to skin you alive for trying to leave him alone," Jason says, crossing his arms.

Once he realizes what he's doing he immediately drops them, feeling slightly appalled at himself. He'snot meant to be the responsible one. He never was. Never will be. Nope. That's not what he's doing here.

"He wasn't going to be alone!" Dick retorts, regaining Jason's attention. "Timmy promised me he'd watch over him for just a minute!"

Jason blinks incredulously. For as smart as Dick is, his lack of common sense amazes him at the best of times, and he isn't afraid to point it out. "You handed the toddler off to an eight-year-old," he deadpans. "An eight-year-old who was probably so absorbed by Minecraft he had noidea what he was agreeing to?"

Damian starts fussing again. He tugs at Dick's clothes, attempting to lead him further into the Mountain and demanding, "I wanna go, Grays. Go."

"No, we can't go exploring, Dami. We need to go home," Dick says patiently. "Or Baba will feed me to Titus."

And Damian, bless his spiteful little soul, rolls his eyes. "No. Titus don' eat you."

"'Doesn't eat people,'" Dick corrects gently. "Baba will think of something equally creative, then."

Damian blinks up at his brother and frowns. "No."

Sighing, Dick gives Jason a pleading look and says, "I realize now asking Tim was a bad call on my part."

"No shit, moron."

"I didn't think Dami would follow me into the Cave!" Dick exclaims desperately. "Or that he'd take a flying leap at me right when the Zeta booted up!" Adopting a tone that would frighten literally no one, he puts a finger in Damian's face and scolds, "Which was very dangerous. You don't do that."

Damian takes one unamused look at the waving finger and snaps his little jaw.

They're trying to break him of his biting habit, and Jason sees why it's a problem, truly, but he can't help but find it amusing, especially with Tim getting the brunt of it.

Ironically, outside of Bruce and Alfred, Jason is the most successful at reminding Damian that biting is bad, if only because, when the turd tried to bite him for the first time, Jason bit back.

Alfred hadn't been too pleased with that—he insisted Jason was a gentleman and much too old to be provoked by a toddler—but Jason remembers where he came from. Sometimes, you need to push back to show someone you won't take their shit, and it's a little messed up, but the kid obviously understands language of the streets more than he does actual English.

This's the first time Damian's tried to bite Dick since his first week at Wayne Manor, and of course, Dick looks butt-hurt about it. With a sigh, Jason crosses the room and flicks Damian's ear, giving him a harsh look. The kid scowls at him and rubs his ear, but he doesn't whimper, instead staring at Jason with self-satisfied, intelligent green eyes.

What a little twerp.

"You do realize," Jason says slowly, "the kid's the offspring of an assassin and the fucking Batman, right? He's a born ninja. How could you not see this coming?"

"He's two! He's—" Dick's eyes suddenly widen. Panicked, he adjusts his sunglasses and takes Damian's pudgy hand, tugging the boy behind him. "Crap."

Whirling around, Jason sees M'gann peeking her head around the corner. It isn't too much of a stretch to imagine Kaldur, at the very least, isn't far behind. "Is everything okay in here?" she asks cautiously.

"You help get me out of this—cover me with B—and I'll take over your chores in the Cave for a month," Dick hisses in Jason's ear.

Jason considers it. There's no getting this past Bruce. Not a chance in hell. Not aloneanyway. And as much as he really enjoys hearing one of his brothers getting lectured, the temptation is real. Getting off bat guano duty? Andhaving this blackmail to hang over Dick's head? It's too good to pass up. "Two months," he bargains.

Dick's lips twist, but there's no time to duke it out. The rest of the Team has rounded the corner, equal parts curious and cautious.

Knowing he's won, Jason smirks and takes a step forward to intercept their team-members, Wally a half-step behind him. "We're fine," Jason says smoothly, a plan already forming in his mind's eye. "Robin's just—"

But he knows the moment M'gann's eyes slide behind him that he's too late.

Whoops.

"Is that a baby?" she squeals, feet lifting from the floor. Before Jason can blink, she has materialized across the entrance hall and is crowding Dick and Damian, who tried to sneak their way to the Zeta Tube unnoticed.

Jason and Dick's eyes meet across the room, and the most Jason can do is give him a stolid salute. It was nice knowing him.

"Um, M'gann," Dick says cautiously, trying to fend her off and keep Damian from launching himself at her. "Careful, he's a bit testy around—"

M'gann pays him no mind and cheerfully says, "I've never seen a human baby so close before! I can't believe how cute they are in person!" Turning to Jason and then Dick, she beams. "Is this another…? No, don't answer that, of course he must be one of you. Just look at him."

"Uh," Jason says, "should I be offended? I feel like I should be offended."

M'gann ignores him, instead cooing at Damian. "You are darling, little man," she says, and Jason snorts because Damian is the fucking furthest thing from 'darling' he's ever seen. His prickly behavior around strangers doesn't do him any favors, either. Even Conner and Kaldur look a little taken aback when the kid bares his teeth at her, says something undoubtedly nasty in Arabic, and pushes her cheek away violently. M'gann, however, giggles and says, "So adorable! What's your name, sweetie? You—"

She suddenly comes to a dead stop, staring with widening, recognizing eyes. "—are Damian Wayne," she breathes.

Jason's cuss slips out before he can censor himself, but the damage is already done: Dick's hand tightens on Damian's shoulder, and Damian himself recognizes his name and stills, looking proudly up at M'gann as if to say, "Yeah? And?"

"Oh," M'gann breathes, backing up. Her eyes are round, shining like coins. "Oh.That makes you two…"

All eyes are on Jason and Dick now, and Jason can see it beginning to click in their teammates' minds. Their identities are there, right in the open, and for a second, Jason loses the ability to breathe. He and Dick exchange another look, half-panicked, half-resigned (because, really, if there hadn't been such a fucking huge media fanfare about Bruce's illegitimate heir showing up out of nowhere, they wouldn't be in this situation! They could have improvised, at least a little! But no, nope, their lives are never that easy, are they?)

His mind scrambles, but Jason decides there's no salvaging this. None at all.

Well. Might as well go down with pride.

"Way to go, Big Bird," Jason says. "Now we're both screwed."

"Yup." Dick takes off his sunglasses and rubs his blue eyes. Wally hisses a warning, but Dick merely gives his best friend a shrug and a weak smile. To Jason, he says, "But if it makes you feel better, I'll tell the boss it's all on me."

"I would expect nothing less," Jason says. "But we both know B's going to ignore what you say and shit a brick over both our heads."

"Colorful description, Little Wing. Truly."

"Tt. Grays," Damian says impatiently, pulling at Dick's sweatpants. He's blissfully unaware of the layers of tension and shock caking the group before him. "Grays."

The kid is blinking suddenly heavy eyes, but he's too stubborn to ask to be picked up. Normally, the family knows better than to assume anything with Damian, especially when he starts getting tired or hungry. Dick, however, is a different story. Having taken the big brother role into stride with Jason, Cass, and then Tim, he has no qualms doting on Damian, who is one-hundred-percent unreceptive to coddling and is unafraid to showcase his displeasure whenever he's shown the ittiest bit of affection. Perhaps Dick's complete lack of self-preservation is so pitiful to Damian, he feels like he can do nothing but tolerate it. Maybe the brat secretly likes it. Jason doesn't really know. Whatever it is, it's a superpower unique to Dick, and it allows Dick to pick Damian up without invoking a tantrum.

It's a bit awe-inspiring, actually.

Jason pulls off his domino, wincing as the glue tugs at his skin. "You can stop staring now," he says to their audience. "It's rude."

"Oh," M'gann stammers, face flushing. "Oh, I'm sorry. It's just…" She helplessly flutters her hands. "You're just so cute." Jason blanches, and even Dick, normally the exhibitionist and attention-hound, raises an eyebrow. "All of you. Your whole family. Batman—Mr. Wayne…a lot makes sense now, you know?" She beams as her star-struck excitement gets the better of her, and she enters their personal space again, grasping both his and Dick's hands. Damian wiggles and protests her being so close, but M'gann is oblivious. "I mean, it's an absolute honor to meet you both, truly, face-to-face. Not that it wasn't an honor to know Robin and Redbird!" she's quick to exclaim. "But it's different, knowing you like this. I—um." Her face becomes a deeper red in her embarrassment, and she looks between them. "I thought I knew—I had a guess, anyway—but now…I am having trouble deciding which of you is Richard and which is Jason."

There's a beat of silence, and Jason doesn't have to cast a sideways glance to know Dick's horror matches his own.

M'gann seems to realize she said something wrong, and she purses her lips. "I—I'm sorry. I didn't—"

"We look nothingalike!" Dick explodes at the same time Jason argues, "We're not even related!"

"I'm infinitely better looking, anyway," Jason says.

Snorting, Dick bounces Damian on his hip and jibes, "More vain, too."

"Says the kid who grew up in the circus, where appearances are everything."

"But that had nothing to do with vanity. That was art."

"I fart on your fucking art."

Conner coughs to hide a laugh, but Jason doesn't have it in him to revel in the fact he made the unflappable Superboy show signs of amusement. He knows he has a habit of saying things before thinking them through, and the moment the words are out of his mouth, his gut pivots and churns. Dick can be sensitive about his circus, and Jason usually tries to respect that, as Dick has always respected his past in turn.

His guilt dissipates the moment Dick wrinkles his nose. "You know…I love you to death, Jason, but sometimes I can't believe I have to share a family with you," Dick says. Addressing the Team, he says, "PSA: the disgusting one is Jason."

"And the boring one is Dick," Jason rejoins. "Which, now that I think about it, is kinda sad, isn't i—?"

"Okayyyyy," Artemis interrupts, stepping forward. "Hold up. That's it? You're seriously going to stand there and drive us insane with your bickering? Act like nothing just happened?"

"Did something just happen?" Dick says, twirling his sunglasses. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Your identities," M'gann says helpfully, falling into Dick's troll trap easy as pie. "Your names."

"Oh, right. We can't have that," Jason says. He slings an arm over Dick's shoulder and slowly holds his palm up, facing outward. He moves his hand in a circle, lowering his tone as he quotes, "These are not the droids you're looking for." He pauses for a second and asks Dick, "Did it work?"

The reference is lost on nearly half of the Team, but Artemis looks like she wants to gouge his eyes out, and Jason counts that as a win. His smirk dissolves into a grimace as Damian takes advantage of the fact Jason's in reaching distance. He takes a fistful of both his and Dick's hair, giving a forceful yank and whining, "Brothers."

"Little gremlin," Jason mutters, escaping Damian's hold and rubbing his head.

"He's tired," Dick acknowledges with a sheepish smile. "We should go. We should have already been gone."

"Yeah." His queen-sized bed does sound pretty damn wonderful right now. "If it's not too much to ask," Jason says before he turns to the Zeta, "you saw nothing until Batman says you saw something."

"So long as you ensure it does not happen again, we'll keep your silence," Kaldur says, and though he's using his Leader Voice, his eyes twinkle. "We wouldn't want our youngest Bird getting hurt following his big brothers through the Zeta, would we?"

"Oh, trust us," Dick says. "This is the last thing we want happening again."

(Spoiler alert: it ends up happening again. But that's another story entirely.)

Later, after Jason keeps his word and helps keep the incident a secret for a record-breaking eleven hours, he throws Dick (and Damian, while he's at it) under the bus, and Dick still stands up for him, facing Bruce's wrath head on, because related or not, that's just what brothers do, isn't it?

AN: for whatever reason, Fanfiction doesn't seem to like italics after they're copied over from AO3, so if there are any words without appropriate spacing between them, please let me know! I tried to get them all, but I may have missed some.