Edward dug his keys out of his pocket and twirled them around his finger as he made his way toward their modest home. Behind him he could hear the excited chatter of the two traitors exchanging words with their new addition. Exhaling an exasperated huff, Ed skipped up the stone walkway and approached the green door. He placed the key inside the lock and turned it, listening as it opened with a click.

"Here ya go," Ed announced, throwing his arm out in a grand gesture. "Welcome to your new home."

Which, in his opinion, fucking sucked. A part of Edward wanted to kick himself in the ass with his automail leg for caving under Al's angelic persona, and thus allowing Mustang to mosey on into his life. And he meant that literally, because Roy was sauntering in through the door, throwing him a sultry smirk as he passed by. Ed wondered whether or not such a look had gotten the bastard out of traffic tickets in the past.

"Thank you," said Roy.

"Whatever," mumbled Ed. His eyes followed the man's every movement as he ambled toward the couch; Elric blushed, because the moment allowed him to ogle Mustang's shapely rear end. It took every inch of willpower not to whistle at the sight. And besides, Winry would probably slap him upside the head for doing such a thing.

"You're letting the cold air out, dear Edward," came the deep voice (that annoyingly made him melt while it simultaneously pissed him off) from his spot on the couch.

"What?"

Twisting around, Roy flung his arm over the back of the furniture and gestured at the door. Edward followed the motion, and where he was expecting the two co-conspirators to be standing, he was met with open air. Elric scowled. That expression deepened when he heard a soft meow.

Ed glanced down to find Julie staring up at him, her yellow eyes wide and manipulative, her tail wrapped around her legs. He crouched down and beckoned her inside with a forward swish of his hand.

"Just so you know," he whispered as she slowly trotted past him, "I'm killing your dad if the brat ever comes back." The warning earned him a hiss and a swipe to his leg, the sharp claws snagging in his pants and scratching the skin beneath. It was worth it.

Smirking, Ed stood and headed into the living room after closing the front door. He laid sights on Roy, who was batting his eyelashes sweetly.

"Comfortable?" he prodded. Once he was standing next to the armrest, Edward placed a hand on his hip.

Mustang's lips twitched into a lopsided smile. "Yes."

Ed blew his bangs from his forehead. "Move over, jackass," he ordered, jabbing his thumb to the far end of the couch, "you're in my spot."

"Or, you could sit in my lap."

For a millisecond, Edward considered taking Roy up on his offer, but with a twist: kneeing him in the crotch and delighting in the screams of agony brought on by his automail. Worked every time.

"Nah," Ed hummed with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I don't wanna go to jail for abusing the elderly."

Elric stretched across the armrest and shoved Roy; the man almost toppled over, and Ed silently wished he had fallen onto the floor. Without missing a beat, he hopped over the armrest and plopped down onto the cushion.

"Are you always this rude?" asked Roy, shifting in his new spot.

Edward grinned. "Pretty much. I've been called an asshole once or twice."

"I wonder why."

Lifting his arms above his head, Elric stretched and let out a groan, "You can always haul your old ass out the door if you can't handle it."

As he spoke, he realized that his words had gone in one ear and out the other, seeing as Roy's dark eyes were glued to his stomach; his hoodie had ridden up, thereby exposing his stomach. He quickly dropped his arms and yanked his hoodie down.

"What a pity," enthused Mustang. "It was wonderful while it lasted."

Glowering, the blond scoffed, "That shit needs to stop."

"Is it a crime to admire something so aesthetically pleasing?"

"Uh, no you can't, so keep your pervy comments and hands to yourself before I break them."

"As you wish," drawled Roy. Drumming his fingers on his thigh, he scanned the room, taking in family photos—plenty of which featured Alphonse spoiling Julie Andrews—as well as books and tools of every type, size and shape.

"So…"

Ed peeked at him from behind his bangs. Roy wasn't quite sure if that was meant to seduce him, or damn him to the fiery pits of hell. He chose the former, although it was most likely the latter.

"So…?" echoed Elric.

"Where is this Havoc?"

"No idea," Ed replied with a shrug of his shoulder, "but he'll show up eventually."

Judging by the tone in the other's voice, Roy figured that that was the end of the topic. He considered saying something else, but decided to check the blond out again, because why not? Roy wasn't shy about his gaze slowly making his way up Ed's legs, nor was he shameless about it. Just when he settled on the blond's scowling face, the front door slammed open.

"Hey guys!" chirped Winry, her smile dazzling and blue eyes sparkling. "How's everything going?"

"Win," started Ed, twisting around to face her, "you've been gone for like, ten minutes, and we still have our clothes on, so…"

Clicking her tongue, Winry crossed her arms. "Must you be so rude? We have company, you know."

A mischievous smile that would put a pixie to shame crept up on Edward's face. "We do?"

"Will you cut it out, brother?" came Alphonse's loud sigh. He walked into the house and closed the door before bypassing Winry, heading into the kitchen. Julie trailed on his heels.

Ed slumped down in his seat with a pout, folding his arms over his chest while he mumbled phrases that would make the devil blush. A few choice words made Winry consider whether or not he would benefit with a swift smack from her wrench; she was pretty darn close to finding out.

Ignoring Edward's hissy fit, Winry approached the couch and placed her hands on it, leaning into the empty space between the soon-to-be-lovebirds (it will happen if she has any say in the matter) and spoke, "Alright boys, did you want to eat or do the initiation tonight?"

The two men looked at each other: Ed's lip curled into a sneer and Roy smiled like he was the sexiest man in the world (both expressions held high hopes in Winry's book). A few heartbeats later, they came to an agreement:

"Food."

"Great!" squealed Winry, wiggling her hips. She turned her attention to the other blond with a no-nonsense gleam in her eyes. "Ed."

"...Win?"

"Be nice and show Roy where he's sleeping."

Elric pushed himself from the couch and faced the young woman; the furniture served as a much needed divider between the two. He placed a hand on his hip and gesture at a random area with the other.

"The floor's not good enough?"

"No!" Winry snapped. "If you wanna act like a brute, you can sleep on the floor while Roy takes your bed!" After jabbing a finger at the stubborn Elric, she stormed into the kitchen, leaving a red-faced and pissed off Edward in her wake.

"Care to show me?" piped up the new pain in Ed's ass. He shot Mustang a dirty glare, which was met with a seductive smile. Ed would never admit it aloud, but the look was hot as hell.

Rolling his eyes, Elric let out a huff. He beckoned Roy with his hand, then led the way through the corridor until he stopped in front of a red door. He swung it open and held out his arm in a grand gesture, showcasing his bedroom.

"Don't do anything creepy, m'kay?" he requested.

"I wouldn't dare," promised Roy with a not-so-reassuring grin.

"Anyway, I don't think my stuff…" Ed trailed off and grit his teeth, his ego taking another blow between its figurative legs. "You'll have to borrow Al's clothes tonight."

Mustang nodded. "I do stay clear of the 'juniors' section."

Luckily for the gorgeous sonofabitch, Winry's voice floated in from the kitchen.

"Get in here if you want food!"

"How does it feel?" asked Winry, gently prodding around the automail port.

"I haven't kicked anyone's ass lately, so everything's good," Ed answered through a yawn.

Winry peered up at him from her spot on the small chair by the coffee table, her eyes narrowed beneath her lashes. "Are you sure you're not in pain? It's supposed to rain and it's looking kinda red."

Ed nonchalantly waved her concerns away. "Don't worry so much."

"With an attitude like that, maybe I'm more worried about the automail that I made for you out of the kindness of my own heart!"

"Geez, Winry," muttered Ed. He lifted his leg from the young woman's lap, then began rolling down his pajama pants leg.

Winry turned toward the table and began putting her tools away. "If it hurts after the initiation, come see me?"

"I promise," sighed Ed. He stretched his arms above his head, his spine cracking into place as he did so. He exhaled an undignified groan before asking, "Where are we doin' this thang anyway?"

Winry whirled in the wooden chair so quickly, he was quite frankly amazed she hadn't kept spinning.

"We talked about it over dinner last night!" she exclaimed. "How can you not remember it?"

"I was hungry," excused Ed. "And it was beef stew!"

"I'm surprised you can hear anything when you're chewing like an animal."

"You say that like I'm supposed to learn something from it."

A vein in Winry's forehead thumped. She whipped back to her toolbox and finished putting her things away before closing it with a click. "Yeah," she huffed, "manners would be a nice start."

"Overrated."

With the container firmly in hand, Winry stood and flashed a smile that bode evil upon Ed. "I could always call Ms. Curtis and—"

"—Well, before ya get any crazy ideas, Win, what're we doing for the initiation?"

"We're going to the abandoned milk factory Miss Rockbell mentioned last night."

The sound of Roy's deep voice nearly sent Ed skyrocketing through the roof. Taking in a deep breath, he gently exhaled it, then glanced over his shoulder; his jaw practically dropped to the floor and his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Elric decided he must have pissed off the wrong person in a previous life if the current event had any say in the matter.

Swallowing thickly, Edward leered at Roy from head to toe, and he felt his cheeks warm. The old geezer was mighty fine; dimly, he heard Winry's soft sigh of agreement. And while his inner fangirl was praising the gods, Ed absorbed the view that was Roy Mustang wearing nothing but Alphonse's pajama bottoms (which were patterned with silver suits of armor in the shape of Legos), holding two cups of coffee.

"W-why," stuttered Ed. He inwardly groaned at the hitch in his voice, but he quickly cleared his throat before trying again. "Why the factory?"

Mustang strutted toward them, and Ed was given a mug without creamer. He took a sip; three sugars—just the way he liked it. He glanced at Roy who was sitting at the other end of the couch with a frown.

"Miss Rockbell and Alphonse mentioned that you have a distaste for milk, so we agreed it would be a suitable place."

"Where the hell was I at when you jerks came up with that?"

"Obviously not listening," interjected Winry.

"Well...what about Havoc? He wasn't here last night, so he couldn't vote."

"Yes, he did!"

Ed's jaw dropped. "He wasn't fucking here!"

Winry flipped her hair over her shoulder, then waved her hand around in a cocky and victorious manner. "He came home after you knocked out like the lazy bones you are."

It was time to grasp for straws. "What about Julie? She gets a vote, too."

"Oh, stop it," Winry chided. She leaned down until she stood eye-to-eye with the other. "You're going to the factory, Edward Elric." Winry paused, her mouth curling into the slyest, most wicked, most conspiratorial smirk Ed had ever seen. A small part of him applauded her maniacal ways.

"And you're partnering up with Roy," she quipped. With an extra hop in her step, she straightened up and skipped to her room.

The blood drained from Ed's face as he watched the young woman go. "That has to be the grossest thing she's ever said to me."

"I suppose this means we should make an effort to get to know one another before we're alone in a dark room," suggested Roy.

Ed's head swiftly snapped in Mustang's direction, his ponytail whipping him in the face. "You're just as nasty as she is."

"I know."

Scoffing, Ed unceremoniously slumped on the couch. "This is just another excuse to set me up with a guy who has nothing else better to do than take up ship in other people's homes." He cast a sidelong glance at Mustang.

"Don't you have a job or something to go to?"

"If you prefer, we could skip straight to the bedroom," offered Roy, purposely ignoring Ed's question, and Ed wanted to shove his fist down the bastard's throat for it.

"If you think a line like that is gonna work on me, you're dumb as hell."

A smug grin lit up Mustang's face. "There's a chance then?"

Rather than tell an unbelievable lie, Edward changed the subject. "You should go visit Havoc wherever it is he goes during he day. After all, he's the one you're taking out on a date."

"Actually, I saw him before he and Alphonse left the house earlier this morning."

"And…?" prompted Ed.

Roy shrugged. "I believe we'll have a wonderful time."

"Peachy."

"Indeed."

Ed popped his lips and drummed his fingers on his cup; soft dings sounded with each touch of his nails. "Until then, we might as well shoot the shit because Winry's probably listening."

"I sure am!" yelled Winry. "And you're doing a terrible job, Edward!"

Thunder crashed and bright bolts of lightning lit up the night sky. Heavy raindrops pelted down on Edward's clear umbrella, and he let out a grumpy noise as he trailed behind his roommates, stomping through whatever puddles that dared to get in his way. And while he absently trudged on, he fleetingly hoped that his so-called friends would be swallowed up by the ghost that lived in the wretched factory. They deserved it. The thoughts of sweet revenge and images of victory were scattered to the wind when Ed ran into a firm body in front of him. He glanced up and scowled.

"Pardon you," said Roy, the corner of his mouth tugging into a smirk.

Huffing, Ed brushed past the bastard, but abruptly came to a halt when he laid eyes on an abandoned building, the distinct lines of the architecture blurred by the rain. His stomach swiftly plummeted to his toes, his heart pounding in his chest. In an effort to add to his terror, a crack of lightning lit up the sky, highlighting the looming structure standing before him. A part of his soul died while another considered offering Alphonse up for sacrifice in exchange for his own life.

"Does everyone have their flashlights?" called Alphonse.

Ed spun on his heel and stared at his little brother. "Are you sure about this, Al?"

"You'll be fine, brother," insisted Alphonse. "Winry and I will be entering the first door. It's not far from where you and Roy will enter."

"How 'bout we wait for Havoc, huh?" Ed squeaked. "He shouldn't miss all the fun."

Alphonse clicked on his flashlight and shined it at Ed. "Havoc's off doing whatever it is that he does when he's not at home. He already said he's sorry that he'll be missing you scream like a baby."

For once, Edward wasn't ashamed to admit that he does, indeed, scream like a little kid when the occasion called for it. And the desolate creepy as fuck building definitely met the criteria.

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Ed opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Winry, who was strolling forward with one hand on her hip and the other holding her umbrella upright.

"Just go on, Ed," she urged. "It'll be over before you know it. Alphonse and I will meet you on the other side."

Without another word, Winry flew to Alphonse's side and grabbed his hand before lugging him toward the factory's door entrance; it opened with a nerve grinding shriek, then closed with an ominous clank.

Behind him, Edward heard the sound of footsteps padding through the wet puddles pooling in the mud. A firm hand settled on his shoulder, and he turned around to glare up at Roy.

"Are you willing to let them win this bet?" asked Roy, turning on his flashlight; Edward echoed the action.

"If it means my ass doesn't have to go into that hellhole—uh, yeah."

Sighing, Roy faced the building and began strutting toward the second door, which was weirdly next to the first, and Ed wondered if it was some warning that the place had two entrances: one for those who are going to hell, and the other for those who knew to get the fuck out as soon as they walked in.

Steeling his nerves, Edward trudged after Roy and followed him into the building. He screamed at the top of his lungs when the door slammed behind him; both sounds echoed into the dark void.

"Must you do that?" hissed Roy.

"Why are you complaining?" Ed shot back. "If your homeless ass hadn't dropped in on us, I wouldn't be here!"

"Shall we?" sighed Roy.

"Fine," Ed relented, though he stayed rooted to the spot. Hesitantly, he shined his flashlight into the vast expanse, slowly roving its light around the room. When his eyes settled on a particularly "hell no" situation, his flashlight clattered onto the cement floor and the light went out.

"Oh. My. God!" gasped Ed as he staggered out the door with Roy hot on his heels. One foot slipped in the mud and he nearly fell forward, but was caught when a strong arm wrapped around his waist.

"You're overreacting, Edward," stated Roy.

Ed wiggled out of Mustang's hold and whipped around, his eyes wide and damp hair plastered to his forehead.

"You didn't see it?!"

"Brother!"

"Ed!"

Elric faced Alphonse and Winry, both of whom were hurrying to his side, their feet stomping in the puddles and their flashlights bobbing in their hands.

"What happened?" asked Al, skidding to a halt in front of Ed. He placed a hand on his sibling's shoulder. "You look like you've seen a ghost!"

Ed blinked, his eyes sightless. "I did, Al," he whispered, his voice distant and robotic.

"You saw no such thing," said Mustang.

"But, I did," Edward squeaked. He brought a trembling hand to his forehead. "I really, really did!"

"What was it, brother?" Al asked, shaking Ed's shoulder.

"W-well...the old fart and I were walking past the machines, and they turned on! Chains rattled and there were loud thumping noises. Gallons of milk poured from the ceiling."

"What?"

"Milk rained down from the ceiling, Al! Why do you think we're so wet?!" Before the other could provide the reasonable excuse, Edward continued on.

"I swear on my life, there were fucking cows mooing," hissed Ed, flailing his arms about. "Cows, Al!"

Alphonse's jaw dropped. "Edward, I don't think—"

"—The ghost grabbed my ankle, and when it pulled, I fell into a puddle of milk," he said, gesturing at his face. "It tried dragging me across the floor. When I looked at it, it was trying to take me to this giant glass jug. The ghost was gonna put me in there with the milk and sell me in a grocery store!"

Closing his eyes, Ed hung his head. A soft whimper escaped him.

"Edward," Winry cut in, "I think it's time we go home and get you some beef stew."

Edward looked at the young woman, tears gathering in his eyes. "And apple pie?"

"Of course!"

Without another word, Winry walked up to him and wrapped her arm around his shoulder before gently guiding him away from the building, leaving the other two roommates behind.

"Is he always that dramatic?" asked Roy.

"Yup!" chirped Al, emphasizing the 'p' with a pop of his lips. "One of the things that makes Ed, Ed."

"It's a bit exhausting."

Alphonse smiled. "Don't worry, Roy, you'll come to love it. Just wait and see."