Author's Note: Well friends, we've come to the end of this particular chapter in these characters' story. It's been amazing to hear all the positive feedback, especially since I haven't written anything in such a long time. I want to thank you for all the reviews, even the ones I couldn't respond to because they were logged in as guests. Reviews are inspirational, and give me valued feedback on what I can do to improve my writing. I have a special treat for you all at the end of this, so please stay tuned.

Chapter 3

February 2016

Some things don't change.

Olivia Benson is still every bit as beautiful as the day she first laid eyes on her.

Amanda presses a kiss against her bare shoulder, resting her forehead between the brunette's shoulder blades, both women having divested themselves of their clothes the second they entered the bedroom. They are standing by the bedside now, Olivia having just drawn back the covers when Amanda stopped her, savoring the sensation of skin on skin.

And for the first time, she freezes. She realizes that she is afraid.

Afraid that when she leaves here tonight that things will return to the way they've always been — a contentious tug-of-war between two equally strong-willed women. Afraid that this is the way it will always be, Amanda relegated to the sidelines, always last on Olivia's list of ever-expanding priorities. Afraid of feelings she can no longer ignore, feelings that were etched in stone the second she left that bar with Olivia.

The night she became hopelessly addicted to this. Unwilling to move forward. Unable to go back.

"Amanda?"

Amanda inhales abruptly. Being still so long has caught Olivia's attention, the taller woman turning, longer arms slipping over Amanda's own to wrap around the blonde's waist, concerned auburn eyes searching Amanda's face in confusion.

"What's wrong?"

I'm in love with you, and I'm not supposed to be, because you'll never be able to love me back.

"Nothing," Amanda replies, because she is as much to blame as Olivia for this. Pressing up on her tiptoes, she brushes her lips across Olivia's. But the brunette hesitates because despite whatever Amanda says, she knows something is wrong. Amanda is insistent, fingers clawing for purchase on that olive back, trying to push her tongue in Olivia's mouth, wanting to ignore. To forget.

"Amanda stop."

Drawing back quickly, Amanda twists out of Olivia's arms, her cheeks flushing crimson as she bends over to scoop up her clothes. "You were right," she mutters, blinking rapidly to clear her blurring vision, "coming here was a mistake."

Olivia attempts to grab her bicep, and when Amanda ducks underneath her outstretched arm, Liv closes the door, intercepting the detective before she can make her escape. Placing her naked body between Amanda and the only exit.

"Will you please just talk to me?" Olivia is frantic as she pleads with Amanda, tears forming in those wide brown eyes.

"When have we ever just talked?" Amanda doesn't want to be having this conversation, not when she is naked and vulnerable and crying in front of her boss. She tries to reach beneath Olivia's arm to grab the doorknob, but Olivia shields it with her body.

"We get to choose when we walk away," Amanda is sobbing openly now, tired and frustrated she can't just fling herself into Olivia's open arms. "Those were your rules. Remember? Back when we started these booty calls?"

Olivia flinches, swiping her arm across her eyes, sniffing back her own tears as she studies the woman in front of her. They remain there, locked in a silent stalemate for a seeming eternity.

"I made a mistake," Olivia begins, her voice wavering ever-so-slightly, "back in the bar. I shouldn't have done that." A pause. "It wasn't fair to myself and it certainly wasn't fair to you." The brunette heaves a deep, shuddering sigh. "I was reeling from the loss of my partner at the time, and from all of the changes in the squad room, and I guess I took it out on you."

It is all Amanda can do not to laugh. "You guess?" Clutching her crumpled clothes tightly against her chest like it's her lifeline. "You were a total bitch. I idolized you. I wanted to be you. And you treated me like dirt."

"I did." Tears slide down Liv's face. "I was hurting and I didn't know how to deal with it. I had just lost one of the few friends I'd ever had." Olivia's watery gaze remains locked on her own. "And for that I am so very, very sorry."

Amanda closes her eyes. "Why me?"

Olivia laughs mirthlessly. "You especially, Amanda. Because you are young and you were gorgeous and you reminded me so much of me. And Cragen partnered us together and I wanted..." Olivia's voice trailed off. "Maybe I was afraid to admit how attracted I was to you. Maybe he knew something I didn't." Her shoulders shrug. "But I'm not sorry he paired us together."

Olivia closes her eyes and sighs. "The truth is ... I was actually thinking of going over to your place tonight when you showed up on my doorstep."

"I can't..." Amanda sighs, "I can't be your booty call anymore. This... whatever this is. It can't just be sex. It just hurts too damn much."

"This isn't just about sex anymore," Olivia takes a tentative step towards the shorter woman, reaching up with her right hand and cupping Amanda's cheek. "This is about me, and you, and our attraction, and about something that's bigger than us." A swallow. "This is about you agreeing to be my girlfriend." Amanda's breath hitches in her throat. "Amanda Rollins, I..." a pause "want" another "you."

I want you. Three little words. Amanda's waited four long years to hear Olivia Benson say those words, and now that she has, Amanda wants nothing more than to run away as hard and as fast as she can.

Sensing her indecisiveness, Olivia slowly raises her hands, eyes pleading with Amanda to stay put, taking a giant step towards a chair where a half-folded pile of laundry sits. She digs impatiently through the stack until she finds what she's looking for, hurriedly tossing on a thigh-length crimson silk robe, tying the sash loosely around her waist.

"Amanda," Olivia pleads, brown eyes imploring the younger woman to at least hear her out. "Stay, please."

"You just want to get laid," Amanda jokes weakly. It stings, that this is all this ever was.

"No sex," Olivia shakes her head, catching Amanda by surprise. "I'll find you something to sleep in. Just talking, cuddling, and sleeping."

That truly catches Amanda off guard. Not once in four years have they ever spent the night together. Not that first night. Not on their worst nights.

"And if I choose to leave?" Her tongue feels about twice it's normal size, her legs rubbery like jello. The thought of leaving all this behind is so very appealing, but the thought of going back to her old life, back when Olivia was just a statue on some far off pedestal...

Olivia swallows thickly, tears falling freely down her face. With a noticeable shudder she opens the door, hand falling from the doorknob. Choking back a sob, the brunette steps away from the doorway.

"Then you can leave."

November 2011

Amanda laid there, chest heaving, her right arm wrapped around Olivia's sweaty back, processing what had just happened. Olivia's fingers were still inside her, the brunette's face buried in the crook of her neck, seemingly as speechless as Amanda felt.

"Liv, that was..." Amanda trailed off. "Are you sure you haven't done that before?"

Olivia laughed weakly, gradually easing her fingers from inside Amanda and rolling onto her side, elbow propping up her head as she faced the blonde. "You feel okay?"

Right now, she felt pretty fucking amazing about life in general, but she knew what Olivia meant.

"The case? Yeah, I'm good. You?" She knew it wasn't the answer Olivia wanted, but she couldn't help teasing her, if only for a little bit.

"Getting there," the brunette's droll rebuttal drew a bemused smirk from the blonde detective.

"Ah, well that's good." It was hard to keep a straight face when Amanda could practically feel the unspent energy radiating off the woman beside her.

"A-man-da," Olivia was growing more impatient, and Amanda decided that she'd done enough teasing, smirking as rolled to face the brunette.

"Well, I guess that it's time that I show you," Amanda whispered, seductively, watching as the brunette's eyes darkened with arousal, planting a kiss on those inviting lips.

Olivia hummed into the kiss, her lips parting, granting Amanda access which the blonde gladly accepted, her tongue exploring the other woman's mouth with fiery passion.

She could get lost in this kiss for hours, days even, but since they didn't have that kind of time, Amanda decided to move things along. She trailed a hand along Olivia's belly, fingertips tracing idle patterns along the skin as her fingertips grazed the underside of a breast, cupping its weight in her palm, delighting in the way Olivia's breath shook at this seemingly simple touch.

Her nipples presented a more enticing target, so Amanda traced her fingernails around the darkened borders, wondering at the weight of her breasts, marveling at the softness of Olivia's olive skin and the contrast with the hardened flesh at the tips.

"Amanda," came the breathy moan, her name a sweet serenade from Olivia's lips as Amanda nibbled down the curve of her neck. She dipped her head, tracing a tongue along the hollow of the brunette's throat, hands gently kneading those marvelous breasts.

She spent some time on Olivia's neck, wondering in amazement at the way the older woman's pulse jumped if she kissed it just right, and at the way her own pulse raced when Olivia writhed beneath her. She planted a brief kiss on Olivia's shoulder, trailing a tongue along her collarbone before dipping lower, planting soft kisses down the valley between her two breasts, trailing her tongue around the hardened peak of one of her nipples.

Amanda took the taut nub into her mouth, feeling the body beneath her jump, a pair of hands tangling within her blonde locks. She took her time on each of those marvelous globes, tasting, teasing, delighting in the way Olivia's moans grew both in pitch and intensity.

Olivia tugged on her hair, so Amanda reluctantly left her ministrations, meeting the passionate kiss with gusto. The blonde's heart began racing when Olivia took her by wrist, moving it between her legs and bringing Amanda's hand to cup the source of that heat.

"Please."

Forehead resting against Olivia's own, brown eyes met blue as Amanda dipped two of her fingers through the waiting warmth, trailing them up and down the length of her slit before sliding fully into Olivia's core. Olivia's eyes fluttered closed, her hand reaching up to tangle in Amanda's hair.

Amanda's hand stilled, providing Olivia an opportunity to get used to the intrusion, moving when Olivia's hips began rocking against her wrist. Amanda could not believe the utter perfection of that velvety heat, the subtle contractions of the muscles around her fingers, the increasingly breathy gasps and moans of their coupling.

Her thumb slid through that slickness to find what she was looking for, a nub peeking out from its protective hood, circling it before beginning to exert some pressure against it with her thumb, simultaneously curling her thrusting fingers. It felt like it was only a matter of seconds.

Olivia Benson shattered before her very eyes.

Amanda rode out the contractions, taking the woman up and over her peak, only beginning to slow her motions when Olivia was visibly spent. She pressed a gentle kiss against her toned stomach when she withdrew her fingers, feeling the brunette's shudder as she did so. Amanda had an overwhelming urge to taste them, but, not wanting to alarm her coworker, she crawled up and collapsed on the pillow beside Olivia instead.

Amanda just had the greatest sex of her life, and with the one person she would have never imagined doing it with. And yet all she could feel was an intense loneliness. And sadness.

Olivia Benson had just ruined her for anyone else.

She snuck a quick peek out of the corner of her eye. Olivia was still laying there, eyes moving underneath closed eyelids, breath steady, her hands resting peacefully on top of her tanned stomach.

"I guess I should get dressed and go home." She hopes that Olivia will change her mind, hopes that maybe, just maybe, they can explore this connection they have, and for a moment she's hopeful. Olivia appears torn, as if silently debating whether or not to ask Amanda to stay.

"Okay," Olivia nodded curtly, and Amanda's shoulders fell. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she moves off the bed, dressing in hurried silence. Not once did Olivia's eyes open. Amanda paused when she reached the bedroom door.

"Goodnight, Liv," Amanda wanted to look back, wanted to commit to memory the site of Olivia Benson naked, satiated on her bed. But she was afraid that if she looked back, the brunette would see the tears threatening to fall and she'd be damned if she'd let her see that.

"Goodnight, Amanda."

February 2016

Her hand is on the doorknob, remembering that night. It seems so long ago, and yet it's like it happened yesterday.

The next day, they carried along as if nothing had happened. A month later, Olivia had showed up on her doorstep, and so their dance began. No matter what the case was, no matter who they were seeing at the time — none of that mattered.

There have been so many times they try to stop this, try to move on. But somehow it always circles back.

Olivia and Amanda. Amanda and Olivia.

Amanda turns her head, looking into those warm brown eyes she's come to know so well.

And she closes the door.

"Are you going to get me something to sleep in or am I going to have to stay naked all night?" Turning around, she regards Olivia with a wry smile, an incredible weight lifting from her shoulders. She feels lighter than she has in a decade, a heady rush flowing through her veins.

Olivia lets out a half-sob, hands flying over her mouth, and she leans into Amanda, temples touching. Shifting her clothes underneath her left arm, Amanda reaches up with her free hand and cups the back of Olivia's neck.

"Let's go to bed."

The sun's rays filter in through the slotted blinds, a narrow band of blinding white light that causes Amanda to groan. The detective rolls onto her side, blinking the bleary remnants of sleep from her eyes, startling slightly when she sees Olivia sprawled on her stomach, snoring softly, lying beside her.

Amanda does the math, realizing that while this may be her day off, Olivia is most decidedly late for work.

True to her word, they had spent the evening prior talking, and cuddling, and talking some more. Other than a couple of short and decidedly sweet kisses, the women did nothing but discuss everything and and anything until the sky began to get lighter. It was the longest they'd spent together without having sex.

"Liv." A bemused smirk crosses her face when, after nudging Olivia, the brunette doesn't move.

"Olivia," a little louder this time. Amanda rolls her eyes when the older woman remains motionless. Deciding it was time to take matters into her own hands, she lifts the covers and tosses a leg over Olivia's bare hips.

Though Olivia had been true to her word and commandeered a set of pajamas for Amanda sleep in, they still remain on the floor, unused, as both women eventually fell asleep in the nude.

"Liv," her voice takes on a low, sultry tone she has so often used to seduce Olivia. Amanda shivers slightly as she bends low over that delectable olive-skinned back and brings her lips down to the brunette's ear.

"Carisi wants to know if he can come to work in a speedo."

Eyelids fly open, and Olivia lets out a low groan.

"You were doing good up until the end there." The brunette stretches out her arms and her legs, joints popping. Amanda lifts slightly, permitting Olivia to roll onto her back, coming to rest on her hips. "Now this is the mental image I prefer."

Amanda laughs lightly, amazed at how good it feels. It's as if they exist in their own little safe haven, away from the darkness that exists outside these four walls.

Loathe to bring it to an end, but knowing she needs to speak up, Amanda idly traces patterns on her Olivia's stomach, feeling the muscles flutter beneath her fingertips. "You're late for work. I must be rubbing off on you."

Olivia blinks sleepily, and smirks. Her arms slip around Amanda's waist, loosely draping over the curve of her hips. "No, I'm not. I got up earlier and called Sergeant Dodds. I'm taking a personal day."

Amanda's mouth falls open, mute. In the four years she has known her, Olivia Benson has never used even one of her personal days. She never misses a day of work — it is the worst kept secret in the precinct.

Sensing the blonde's shock, Liv's eyes soften, her expression wistful. "Amanda, I spent a lot of years putting my career ahead of everything else. I don't want to do that anymore. You are my number one priority now. Everything else can wait."

Amanda doesn't know what to say, so she does the only thing she can and brings her lips to meet Olivia's, a warm glow filling her stomach as she kisses this woman who has come to mean so much to her.

The leisurely kiss lasts until they both require air, and Amanda draws back, resting her forehead against Olivia's, their eyes locking.

"I love you, Olivia." Words she has wanted to say for so long. Words she's feared speaking for fear of the consequences.

Olivia is silent for a long moment, her expression as serious as Amanda has ever seen. Amanda's heart begins pounding, her blood turning to ice in her veins. Her mind begins racing, panicking, wondering if it is too much, too soon.

"Do you always wake up the women you love with such horrific mental images?" Olivia laughs melodically, tugging Amanda onto her chest and hugging the younger woman tightly.

Olivia kisses Amanda once, twice, hard, until the blonde's paralysis is broken. Framing Amanda's face in her hands, Olivia brushes her lips across Amanda's forehead, then against each cheek, before finally pecking her on the mouth.

"And I love you, Amanda."

Three words she has longed to hear but never expected Olivia to say.

Blue eyes fade back into focus, taking in the older woman's serious expression, and she can see that Olivia is not just saying that. She absolutely means it. And for the first time in as long as she can remember, a giddy laughter bubbles out of her chest.

Olivia loves her.

Olivia Benson loves her.

Amanda kisses Olivia, hard, pouring every ounce of love and devotion she's buried rise to the surface. They kiss until the lack of air makes them dizzy, breaking apart only from necessity, not desire.

"I'll try," Amanda pants, "to come up with a better way of waking you up," another pant, "next time you try to fake being asleep."

A slender eyebrow rose, brown eyes widening in surprise. "You knew I was awake?"

Amanda nods, smug. "I am a detective."

Olivia's lips curl into a bemused smile. "That, my dear, you are." It is the first time Olivia has called Amanda anything else beside 'Amanda' or 'Rollins' and she takes a moment to savor it, basking in the glow of this newfound happiness.

"The question is, detective, what are you going to do make it up to me," Olivia's eyes are twinkling.

Amanda leans in, smiling, her lips coming within scant millimeters of Olivia's own.

"I can think of a few things."

She isn't supposed to be here.

Isn't supposed to be inside her apartment, sharing her bed.

This isn't supposed to be about relationships or futures or feelings.

It isn't supposed to end this way, two people, each broken in their own way, finding each other and falling in love.

But she wouldn't have it any other way.

Author's Note: As I said before, I want to thank you all for the amazing reviews – and for those of you who have grown as attached as I have, I have a special announcement – next Sunday I will be posting the first chapter of Relapse's sequel.

~ Kalen