Camp Sucks-A-Lot

Has anyone done a story where the kids are sent to camp yet? Probably, but I'm gonna write this anyway.

But instead of a summer camp, it's for winter break, so it's gonna suck for them even more. Let's get to it!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own South Park. I don't own anything.

Chapter 1 – Camp Jackov

Winter break is supposed to be a good two weeks for students to relax a bit during the cold days of winter. To have some time off from a new grade at school, and have no responsibilities or cares, nothing to worry about except for how big one would like their snowman to be.

That's how it's supposed to be. However, the parents of the fourth grade class of South Park elementary thought differently. Instead of letting their kids run wild and free for two weeks, they decided it would be much better to send them to camp. Because that makes perfect sense.

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stood in front of the bus stop, seething with rage as they waited for the camp bus. None of them wanted to be there, none of them wanted to go to a stupid camp, and none of them wanted to be forced to spend two weeks in tiny frozen cabins and do annoying and pointless camp activities.

"I can't believe our parents are making us go to some stupid camp," Stan complained to his friends, "Isn't that usually for summer time?"

"Yes," Kyle replied, just as bitter, "It's not fair! Ike gets to stay home and do whatever he wants for two weeks!"

"(So do my siblings,)" Kenny offered, "(They get to stay home while we freeze to death out in the woods.)"

"Yeah, and there's never anything good to eat at camp!" Cartman added, "All the food sucks! I'm gonna starve to death!"

"Trust fatass over here to always think of his stomach," Kyle muttered to Stan, who nodded in agreement. Cartman glared at them.

"Fuck off, Jew!" he snarled.

Kyle was about to respond, but the sound of a bus horn cut him off. A school bus pulled up and opened its doors. A rush of smoke came pouring out, covering the boys and making them choke and cough. When the smoke cleared, they looked into the bus and saw one of the most bitter looking human beings ever at the driver's wheel.

The driver appeared to be an obese woman, though it was sort of hard to tell. She was dirty and had an odd odor that wafted out into the fresh air. She was puffing on a cigarette that hung between her lips. She turned and glared at the boys.

"You here for camp?" she asked in a very raspy voice. The boys nodded. She jerked a thumb behind her. "Get on," she ordered.

The four boys quickly obeyed, sensing that this was a woman one would not want to cross. As they passed her to get to their seats, she blew a puff of smoke at each of their faces, sending them into a fit of coughs. She closed the doors and started up the bus.

As the boys looked for a place to sit, they noticed that their entire fourth grade class was on the bus. Stan spotted Wendy waving eagerly to him.

"I'm going to go sit with Wendy," Stan informed his friends before quickly shuffling off towards her. Cartman cast an angry glare after him.

"Sellout!" he called, "Leaving your friends for a girl!" He sighed then turned to Kyle and Kenny. "So, which of you losers wants to sit next to me?"

Kyle and Kenny both stared at him before simply walking down the aisle and taking a free seat behind Stan and Wendy. Grumbling, Cartman went and took the last seat available, which was next to Butters. As soon as he sat down, Butters brightened.

"Hi Eric!" he greeted cheerfully, "I didn't know you guys were coming to camp as well! Golly, that will make these two weeks much better!"

"Butters," Cartman muttered, "Please do me a favor and shut the fuck up for the rest of this bus ride."

"Oh, ok Eric!" Butters replied, "I'll shut up!"

The bus was unusually quiet as it bumped and bounced along the road. The kids spoke in soft voices and only the occasional coughing fit from breathing too much smoke broke the silence. Every time someone started coughing, the bus driver would slam on the brakes, turn around and yell at them to stop coughing. Then she would take another big breath of smoke, and start up the bus again.

"I'm glad you're going to this camp too, Stan," Wendy told him as they sat together, "That might make this a little bit more tolerable."

"Yeah," Stan agreed, "Shelly wouldn't stop taunting me yesterday when my parents told me they were sending me here. Fuck, was that annoying."

"I hope the cabins are heated," Wendy continued, "Can you imagine how awful it would be if we had to sleep in the cold?" She shivered at the thought.

Stan tried his best to smile reassuringly at her. "Don't worry, Wendy," he said, "I'm sure this camp won't be as bad as we think it is. At least we have all our classmates with us. No weirdos or anything."

As soon as the words left his mouth, the bus stopped again and the doors opened. Five kids none of them had ever seen before stepped onto the bus. The boy standing in the middle was much taller than any of the fourth graders, and he wore a sneer that told people not to mess with him. He had an arm wrapped around a scantily clad girl who wore heavy makeup.

The tall boy snapped his fingers and the three shorter kids all dispersed to take their seats. Stan noted that all five kids looked like classic trouble makers. One boy went over and sat next to Bebe and Red, grinning pervertedly. The only other girl of the group shoved her way in between Tweek and Craig, looping her arm with Tweek's, who shrank back in fear, while also nearly shoving Craig right out of his seat. Another boy sat behind Cartman and Butters and immediately started kicking the back of their seat, angering Cartman greatly. Stan felt his stomach turn as the tall boy and the slutty girl he was with walked towards him and Wendy. The tall boy looked Wendy up and down, while the girl stared far too intensely at Stan.

Finally, the boy spoke. "'Sup? Mind moving over?" he said, "There ain't much room on this shit-hole of a bus."

Stan and Wendy looked at each other, then scooched over towards the window, pressing as close to each other as possible. The boy and girl sat down next to them. The girl was sitting next to Stan (Wendy was by the window) and she batted her eyelashes flirtatiously at him. Trying to avoid her gaze, Stan looked down at the floor.

"The name's Brad," the tall boy informed the two, "An' this is my girl, Janet."

"Um, I'm Stan and this is Wendy," Stan told Brad.

Brad looked over at Wendy and wiggled his eyebrows at her. Stan hated him for that. He felt Wendy press a little closer to him.

Just when the children thought they couldn't take any more of the hellish, smoke-filled bus ride, and Cartman looked like he was going to murder someone (probably Butters,) the bus finally pulled up to the camp. The doors barely had time to open before everyone came desperately pouring out, gasping, and coughing. Brad and his gang came casually strolling out a moment later.

Stan quickly went over to stand next to his friends, and they all got a good look at the camp. And, boy, what a shit hole it was! The sign reading "Welcome to Camp Jackov" was fading and starting to fall off. Mud colored snow and dead leaves were scattered everywhere. The cabins where they were expected to sleep looked like they would collapse at any minute. The mess hall looked to be one sneeze away from falling down. Planks of wood stuck out from every building. A mutated fish bear was dragging a dead body into the nearby lake. There was a forest nearby that practically screamed "you will die the moment you set foot in here." There wasn't a single, solitary thing that looked like it had been cleaned.

"Dude," Kyle muttered next to Stan, "This place sucks. We're really supposed to stay here for two weeks?"

"I know, dude," Stan sighed, "This is gonna be horrible."

"(Aw, come on guys,)" Kenny said, trying to lighten the mood, "(Maybe it won't be as bad as we think!)"

Then the camp counselors came bursting out of the mess hall. There were four of them in all. The first one was very tall, very skinny, and very happy looking for some reason. The second one was shorter, but thicker, and looked like he was a former drill instructor. The third one was rather chubby and staring at the kids with a creepy expression.

The fourth counselor was quite different. He was a short, fragile looking man with a long, bent neck, a hunched back, slack jaw, and long, beak-like nose. He sort of looked like a vulture. He also had squinty eyes and twitchy hands that were kind of bent funny.

"Hello there, little campers!" the tall counselor greeted as he and the other counselors lined up in front of the kids, "My name is Scout Master Scout! This big guy is Camp Counselor Guy, the handsome man next to him is Camp Counselor Al, and finally Camp Counselor Slackjaw!" Scout's voice was slow and rather high pitched. He talked with a slight southern inflection, and sounded like he thought all the kids were stupid. "Before we begin, does anyone have any questions?"

Butters raised his hand.

"Yes, my name is really Slackjaw!" the vulture man growled in his voice that was even higher pitched than Scout's.

Butters put his hand back down.

"Now let's all head to the mess hall so we can get started on some super duper fun activities!" Scout Master Scout told them all. Then he led the way towards the mess hall with a sense of dread hanging over the group.

That's where I'm gonna end this chapter. I didn't want too much to happen. And yes, Jackov is supposed to be pronounced exactly how you think it is.

Also, for those who might be wondering, Slackjaw is a character my sister came up with who we use in our stories a lot. He transcends time and space and is immune to the plot. He's a fun character to mess around with.