It is with some trepidation that I release the next section of the so called 'Cain Archives'. While it sheds some light on some of the apparently nonsensical parts of Cain's memoirs the implications are just so, disturbing. Of course one still has to wonder why Cain wrote anything down. While most of his memoirs merely seek to deconstruct Cain the Legend these particular notes could do so much more. Nevertheless, the information revealed is, as ever valuable.
Amberly Vail, Ordo Xenos

There are days, even on the front lines of some no-name planet when you can think it just cannot get better than this. The 571st were assigned to a scenic town that commanded vital trade routes on a southern continent of Alexia. Fortunately for us, a company of Righteous Fists Astartes had given the enemy such a pounding on the western continent that our part in the war was pretty much forgotten. The place was beautiful, the amasec agreeable and the card sharps were convinced of their own genius.

It was at a card game that I met the stranger. He was dressed as a functionary of the Administratum. He was well built unlike your typical Admin functionary but I had put that down to the local opportunities for sunshine and exercise. He was also remarkably good at cards. He introduced himself as Que, which may sound a bit odd but it's a big galaxy. Also when your own name is Ciaphas you have to suspend judgement on that score a bit. The evening wore on and most of the locals left when they ran out of money or the hope of ever getting it back. It was at this late hour that Que made his pitch.

"You fit in well to this place." said Que.

"Well, we are all here at the will of the Emperor until called elsewhere." I said, playing my modest hero routine. The stranger bristled.

"Not just the local environs, this galaxy. I'm impressed, the other humans here mainly just survive, but you. You have prospered. Prospered in this totalitarian grimdark madness." Que said.

It wasn't that late. I caught the 'other humans' remark and his praising my character. I'd heard that sort of thing before.
"What are you?" I said, reflexively my right hand was drawing my laspistol from it's holster. Most daemons are too overly fond of their own cleverness to notice what would be obvious to a human. If I could just keep it talking, I had a chance.

"I offer you a challenge. You thrive in an environment of institutional paranoia and distrust. How would you fare in a universe of openness and benevolence? Where everyone works for the betterment of all. How long would it take you to become Emperor there." it said.

"Just long enough." I said and shot it between the eyes. Or would have were I not holding a croissant.

"Oh typical." said Que, "I had such high hopes for you." The daemon snapped his fingers and there was a bright flash...

I awoke in a most unusual room. My first impression was that of an Astartes cabin, bare, functional and spartan. But where a cabin for an Astartes would include a weapon rack, a robust stand for their armour and a small workbench for maintaining said artefacts this room only sported a bare desk, chair and a potted plant. My well honed senses told me I was aboard some sort of ship. A very peculiar one at that.

Every ship has a distinctive smell, whether it be oils, incense and centuries of body odours, human or otherwise. Even the vessels of the Necrons have their own distinctive smell. But this ship had none. It was truly a shock to the system, quite unnerving. It was also quiet. Even space hulks, with their constant straining as the various grav fields compete make a noise, other ships have their clanks and clunks as well as motivational messages being broadcast. This vessel had an almost inaudible deep bass hum.A quiet, non smelly ship. Not Imperial. And I ruled out virtually every species the Imperium deals with. Too spartan to be Elder or Necron and the absence of screams was also a clue. Orks and Nids were right out. The demiurge are too much like our own Cogboys and everything was human proportioned. So I ruled out the Tau as well. Some may wonder why I didn't just try the door. There were two reasons. The first is that in my experience it pays to never rush off half cocked if you wish to live to a ripe old age like yours truly here. The second was that I was dressed in my underpants.

Well, someone's underpants. While what I was to later learn is a Federation uniform showed off my physique in an excellent light the first impression of any being from a more fashionable universe is that they were underpants. Bright blue, very snug underpants which fitted to me my means of a seam I couldn't find.

"I need a drink" I said.

"What type of refreshment do you require." came the reply. It in a voice of a young woman that filled the room. There seemed to be no obvious speaker or vox apparatus anywhere. My right hand spasmed as it tried to draw the laspistol that wasn't there.

"Who's there."

"This is the ship's computer, crew interface subsystem, what type of
refreshment do you require?" it said.

"Amasec, double, no ice."

"Unfamiliar with 'amasec', your vocabulary suggests it is alcohol you wish to imbibe. Why not try the bar at Ten-Forward. If you are unfamiliar with the way I can guide you. Just follow the lights."

"I, I'll do that.". I headed for the door. Underpants or not I really needed a drink.

Fortunately, it appeared that it was either 'underpants day or this is how people dressed on this ship. Red underpants, blue underpants, yellow underpants. These colours seemed to dominate with a few oddities here and there. The corridor was neat and clean and the people! I did not at that time know I was on the Federation's poster child which does skew the average a bit but every man and woman who passed me was healthy, good looking, physically fit and without prosthesis of any kind. It was then I realised I was looking at a uniform, just one with a very strange purpose.

The uniform of say, an Imperial Guardsman is designed to render the individual anonymous although they never really succeeded with Jurgen. They become one with the greater whole, part of the Hammer of the Emperor and all that. Of course as a Commissar I was required to look beyond the uniform to the man or woman underneath. And of course the uniform is part of the equipment of a soldier. It and the guardsman inside defends the Imperium and so is designed towards doing just that. The uniforms of the Federation were emphatically not, but still conveyed a psychological message every bit as powerful as that of the Guards'.

Some lights on the wall directed me towards the bar. Entering gave me quite a start. An entire section of wall was given over to a window, through which small bright objects could be seen streaking past. After a brief moment of terror I realised that everyone else was behaving calmly. So I tried my nonchalant best to walk in and ignore the gaping hole in reality through which anything could casually stroll.

It is a testament to the fact I was still expecting an incursion of squamous horrors from the nethermost recesses of the warp that I practically ignored that not everyone in the bar was human. Most of them were simply abhuman in nature and not any stranger than you'ld see on a planet with a relaxed eugenics policy. The creature that intercepted me enroute to the bar however was anything but.

It was a three metre long grey monstrosity encased in a yellow exoskeleton of cybernetics that would satisfy any cogboy, it floated about a metre and a half above the floor and it's eyes and beak gave the impression of a perpetual smile.

"Greetings counsellor, I would like your help with a small personal matter." it said through some sort of vox unit too small for me to see.

"But of course, always willing to help." I said dropping into my familiar 'cares for the troops' routine. A prickling on my hands warned me just as I was about to correct my title and so I kept quiet on that. Hopefully this creature would inadvertently reveal more if I just played along.

"My name is Leiutenant Kaa, Engineering. I have a small, um, gambling problem." Kaa said.

"Go on." I said. I quickly glanced about. Along with no panic regarding the window, no-one gave this mechanical giant a second look. So it was normal, by the bizarre standards of this place. Also it had a 'gambling problem' which told me a lot that was finally relieving. No matter how, strange, outlandish and damn dangerous this place was it was filled with people just like the ones I dealt with back home. The poor saps.

Kaa smiled, but then, the damn creature was always smiling "Thank you, you see you Federation types don't give us honest Caladians much to gamble with so mostly when we play cards we have to gamble shifts or personal secrets." Kaa said.

"What about money?" I said, Kaa just smiled so I continued, "You know, credits? Thrones? Thalers? Solidii?"

"You know about real money!" said Kaa. It then launched into fondly reminiscing about the options available when one has money.

So I now had a name, which meant nothing really. I've personally been to a dozen 'Federations' in the Imperium. That it didn't use money was odder. There is the occasional feral world out there where the local rulers just cant grasp the idea. However, since their tithe consists of 'as many warm bods you can shove onto the transports' no one really cares. But a modern ship-building society? I was at a loss, really.

Kaa rattled on, believing as many had that they had at last found a kindred spirit. Unlike other confidences there seemed almost no reserves or guardedness about him as he casually revealed secret after secret that would of seen him shot back home. I learned an awful lot in the next ten minutes or so and all that was required of me were a few, "Hmms", "Do tells", 'Go on." and the ever useful "Really?".

"And the matter of your gambling debts." I said at last, before I was swamped with information.

"Oh yes, well I'm owed a few markers now and I'll like to collect. A lot of those shifts involve warp field calibration and require EVA work. Ensign Anderson owes me the most and I'ld like some help to get him to own up."

"Well, I can definitely see what I can do." I said, "Ensign Anderson, also in Engineering?"

"That's him." said Kaa. "You counsellor types are actually ok."

"Well, we all serve our part." I said, satisfied Kaa floated off.

I then ordered some Amasec from what appeared to be a Tallarn fashionista with little more than a raised eyebrow and found a table to digest what I had learned.

I was on the Starship Enterprise which put me in mind of a Free Trader except Kaa had said it was a vessel of the United Federation of Planets, whatever that was. What was stranger is that the ship, Federation and even Kaa himself ultimately came from Holy Terra or simply 'Earth' to hear Kas put it. Well the Enterprise had been built at Mars which was a bit of a relief but the rest was just boggling.

So there I was not so calmly taking all this in when I heard the voice I wss already growing to dislike.

"So, how's it all going? Emperor yet?" said Que.

The daemon looked at what I was drinking. "How did you get that here? Garcon!"

The barkeep approached, from the look of her face she wasn't in the mood to serve us anything. Que however hadn't noticed this.

"Some of your finest amasec, my dear man." said Que.

The barkeep responded by pouring a decanter of water over the daemon. Que rose and confronted his tormenter.

"You." said Que.

"You." said the barkeep.

"Why is it that I cannot get a decent drink in the multiverse without you showing up." said Que.

"Why don't you just go back home?" said the barkeep "Or would you like to experience another banishing?"

"It won't work this time." said Q. Two people entered the bar. By their looks they were not happy to see the daemon either.

"What won't work Que?" said their leader, a tall, older man in a red uniform similar to that worn by Que. "And get off my ship."

"I am hurt mon capitan. Here I am, cast out, bereft in a hostile and uncaring, godless universe. I turn to those I would count my friends and all I recieve are harsh, unpitying stares." said Que.

"Did the rest of the Que kick you out?" said another of the newcomers, another tall handsome man in a red uniform.

"That they did Riker, tell me, if you had taken up my offer would you have done the same."

"In a heartbeat." said Riker.

"Now that wounds me. I am so wounded I almost forget my reason for coming here." Que said.

"Which is?" said the captain.

"Turn back from this path on which you tread." said Que. "Really Jean Luc, as a friend, I really mean it."

"We are investigating why our colonies near the Romulan border have gone silent." said Jean Luc.

"No! You are simply not ready. Accept it as, as, as an act of God. Move on." said Que.

"We have met so called 'Gods' before and found them wanting. And if it's the Romulans..." said Jean Luc.

"It's not the blasted Romulans or those pathetic beings who masqueraded as your gods. This is something beyond your conception. Face these beings now and your precious Federation will react to them in the same way as a sentence does to a full stop." said Que.

"You can't scare us Q. Now please, go away." said Jean Luc.

"Oh very well, but don't say I didn't warn you or try to help." said Que, who then vanished.

"What if he's right?" said Riker.

"Well number 1, we'll just have to be ready. But let's be cautious. Seperate the hulls, the Saucer can head back to Starbase 10. Get Watson to pilot her back. I want you here." said Jean Luc.

"I'll see to it." said Riker, who then departed.

Jean Luc then sat down and looked me in the eye. "I'm Captain Jean Luc Picard, commander of this vessel. Who the devil are you?" he said.

I gave this 'Captain' my best Commissarial look in return. "I am Commissar Ciaphas Cain, currently attached to His Divine Majesty's 597th Guards Regiment of Valhalla." I said. Picard's non-reaction to my name meant I was very much off the beaten track.

"Valhalla." said Picard, "Valhalla is a Federation World, colonised by humans. But it's ruled by a democratically elected council, not some monarch with a bizarre sense of the divine right of kings."

"The Regiment comes from Valhalla, His Divine Majesty, the God Emperor of Mankind rules all of the Galaxy from Holy Terra and has done so for the last ten thousand years." I said.

"Ten thousand years ago mankind was developing agriculture on Earth. When and where are you from?" said Picard.

"A long, long way from here." I said ruefully.

It was about an hour later. Picard had called a conference with his department heads. They were a strange lot but human for the most part. The only exception was the hulking monster named Worf who I initially took to be some sort of ork, if a rather articulate one. I recounted my tale as I understood it to somewhat disbelieving stares. They apparently did not think Que was daemon but rather 'a highly advanced lifeform with powerful technical and psychic abilities residing in a higher dimension' which pretty much matched every description of fiends I had heard of. At the end of my tale they all looked at the young woman named Troi whose uniform was cut to reveal a generous amount of cleavage.

"I, I cant tell." Troi said. "His thoughts are like clear fish in a bright pool."

"He's an habitual liar you mean." said Worf, which is an unfair way to say it, "Captain, this is obviously a trick of Que's. I reccomend we put him in the brig."

"I would like to say I am much a victim of Que as you are." I said.

"So it would appear." said Data, an unusually pale human. "The existence of alternative universes has been observed multiple times. This man here is from one very unlike ours. Anything he says is likely to sound strange to us."

"As if he came from a universe populated by elves and goblins." said Riker.

"Elder and Orks." I said correcting him. They all stared at me again.

"Well, Mr Cain, you certainly qualify under contact with new civilisations. And if Que put you here as 'another test' we are not to be rid of you until he thinks we've passed." said Picard. "But we will need to know what you can do. What is a 'commissar' anyway?"

"I believe the term comes from Earth's Wars of Ideology. A commissar was entrusted with ensuring the troops were politically correct in thought and deed. They also manned machinegun emplacements located behind the line of advance. They would fire on their own troops if they did not advance on the enemy quickly enough." said Data.

I hoped my slack jawed expression conveyed my own horror at this revelation. Alright, there are some Commissars I've known who would jump at the idea. Well, they would if they hadn't all died in 'glorious combat' miles from the front lines.

"The term may of changed over time.", I said. "The Imperium's commissars are concerned with maintaining morale in a unit and also deal with minor infractions of discipline as well as any personal problems a trooper may have." I decided to leave out the bit about summary executions as I felt it wouldn't help. I plunged on. "For example did you know that Lieutenant Kaa is owed several EVA shifts by Ensign Anderson due to cards and that Anderson won't pay up."

"Bloody dolphins!" said the Chief engineer who strangely sported only one visible augment.

"What is this atavistic obsession with gambling?" said Picard. His subordinates chose this moment to look somewhat uncomfortable. I wondered what the senior ranks played for in this strange place with no money and how I could join.

"The Caladians are technically and scientifically advanced but do not entirely embrace our social norms." said Troi. "They say they like to remember when they were just playful animals.", she smiled, "I'll have a word with them."

"It would seem you do have some useful skills. Any others?" said Picard.

"I'm considered a fair shot and I have some skill with a chainsword." I said.

At this Worf perked up. "Captain, I shall like to evaluate this person's combat skills, personally." he said.