The first chapter of this story takes place during the scene where Amanda is shot in season 14's episode "Poisoned Motive" and is my interpretation of events. Trigger warnings for violence.

I am slowly but surely getting caught up with the stories I have fallen behind on – I'm making very good strides with chapter 5 of "Hidden Scars" and adding bits and pieces to the final chapter of "Hurricane". These stories aren't coming very easily to me anymore, though, and I'm finding them quite challenging to work on right now but I promise they will both get done eventually! I always finish my fanfics, even if it takes me several months, lol. :)

I wanted to mention that my very good friend unbreakable86 came up with this idea first - of Olivia being by Amanda's side when she was shot. We had discussed this particular scenario months ago and I had completely forgotten our conversation. So this story was written because of her awesome idea. :)

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"I don't want to know what it's like to live without you

Don't want to know the other side of a world without you"

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Crystal blue.

That is the color she associates with Amanda Rollins; the first thing Olivia Benson had noticed about the young detective when she had arrived fresh from Atlanta almost two years ago, those wide cerulean eyes bright with an eagerness and anticipation for the job that she herself hadn't felt in quite some time, bitter and jaded by how things had played out with her former partner and dragged down with a bone-deep exhaustion of many years spent slogging through the depravity and chaos of The Special Victims Unit.

The blonde woman was different, though; showing up to the station each day with a smile that could light up a room and overcome with an avid enthusiasm about her work, so determined to prove herself within the unit that her upbeat and can-do attitude usually bordered on downright obnoxious and grated relentlessly on Olivia's nerves. She had been forced to grit her teeth and just grin and bear it through some of the earlier cases they had shared together, occasionally correcting Amanda when her know-it-all attitude became somewhat out of hand, while simultaneously trying to push down a disconcerting mix of admiration and attraction for the blonde detective that threatened to burst forth from time to time.

She had gradually warmed up to the other woman as those first tumultuous and emotional weeks had turned into months and the months had turned into years, settling into a busy routine with Amanda and the rest of their squad, minus the one person she had mistakenly thought she could never live without, Elliot Stabler disappearing so thoroughly from her life it was as if his previous existence at the precinct had been something conjured up by her overactive imagination and he had never even been there at all.

Olivia had slowly adjusted to this new normal that had been thrust so harshly upon her without question or permission, the heartbreak of one of the biggest losses of her life slowly improving bit by bit until Amanda and the other new detective, Nick Amaro, fit in with the team so seamlessly it was as if they had always been there; like they truly belonged. Those odd feelings that had been conjured up by Amanda's arrival continued to simmer heatedly just below the surface, Olivia acknowledging to herself that the more time went by, the harder she fell for this detective who made her feel things she had never felt for anyone else before, unable to admit aloud that she was completely head over heels for a woman who tended to drive her nuts half the time.

She is quite sure that there is something between them that goes beyond that of work colleagues or casual friends and that it is not entirely one-sided; something that remains unspoken but is apparent in the lingering looks they give each other when no one else is watching, the soft, comforting touches against a back or a hand when a case has not gone well, one woman occasionally bringing coffee or a treat for the other when the week is dragging on and they are buried in the worst of what humanity has to offer, some of the most violent and heartbreaking cases enough to turn their stomachs.

Lately Olivia has been trying to work up the courage to ask Amanda out for a beer after work, or to invite the younger woman over for dinner and a movie or maybe a glass of wine or two, and the thought of spending time outside of the precinct with the blonde detective fills her with an indescribable warmth, butterflies beating their wings furiously inside her stomach as she resolves to speak to her colleague at the end of the day, when they can put their jobs aside until tomorrow and just relax. But for now they have to carry on with their current circumstances and deal with a sea of annoying reporters and noise that await them outside the precinct, those crystal blue eyes that had just been piercing into her own dark brown ones turned away from Olivia as she follows her teammates outside, the back of Amanda's blonde head bobbing up and down throughout the crowd as they make their way onto the street.

When the sudden shot rings out loudly and without warning from between the buildings, piercing straight through the sound and activity and causing screams of panic to rise up into the air as people scatter every which way in search of safety, Olivia is momentarily stunned before she springs into action, determined to find out exactly where the shot had come from and if anyone had been hurt or killed.

There is an immense amount of relief when she sees that both Fin and Amaro are unharmed, but the world seems to grind to a complete and utter halt when she realizes who is lying on the ground in an unnaturally still position, long blonde hair splayed out across the pavement and a tan trench coat already soaked in an ever-widening pool of blood. Those big blue eyes that had instantly caught Olivia's attention when she had first been introduced to Amanda Rollins are presently starting up at her with a combination of dread and agony, pained groans emitting from between parted lips and pale face scrunched up into a mask of intense distress and discomfort.

"Amanda!" Olivia cries out in alarm as she collapses onto her knees beside the fallen woman, immediately on her radio to call for a bus while Fin and Amaro take off into the crowd to hunt down the person who is responsible for this, after making sure their co-worker is alive and safe with Olivia.

"Just hang on, okay?" She is frantically stripping off her jacket and pressing it against the wound that seems to be on Amanda's chest, although it is hard to tell where the exact location is due to the amount of blood rapidly flowing across the younger woman's clothing and spilling out onto the ground below her.

Amanda is gazing up at her with eyes that are now hovering at half-mast, hooded with physical torment and a terror that is entirely evident; something that Olivia has never witnessed in the other woman's expression or demeanor before. The blonde detective is reaching up with one shaking and red-tinged hand to grasp onto Olivia's arm with a surprising strength, slim fingers gripping tightly onto the material of her shirt and blue eyes rolling briefly backward into her head as if the effort to speak is just too much for her.

"H-hurts," Amanda chokes out haltingly, breath coming out in ragged, irregular bursts, and there are tears stinging Olivia's eyes now as she gazes down at the woman who has come to mean so much to her over the past couple of years, overcome with a stark kind of terror she has previously only felt a handful of times in her life; a horror so acute that it threatens to paralyze both her body and her voice.

"Just hang on," she repeats firmly, resolute in trying to remain calm for Amanda and determined to be the smaller woman's anchor that will keep her afloat in this storm until the ambulance arrives, the hive of activity and shouting that is swirling around them dimming in her hearing until all she is aware of is the blonde detective's voice murmuring her name over and over again, begging Olivia not to leave her alone.

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise you that." There is a certain ferocity in Olivia's tone now as she presses her jacket so hard to Amanda's chest in an effort to stop the rapid flow of blood, that the action causes the younger woman to cry out in pain and a tear to slip from Olivia's eye.

"Sorry, honey," she soothes in a softer voice, the salty drop of moisture mixing in with the bright red liquid that has begun to surround Amanda in a crimson circle, her heart clenching in her chest with the realization that she has only contributed to the intense agony that her co-worker is already suffering. "I'll try to be more gentle."

"It's okay, Liv," Amanda whispers with great fatigue, her hand sliding down Olivia's arm so that her fingers are clutching onto her wrist with a slightly weaker hold now. "How bad is it?"

"I don't think it's too bad," Olivia assures her quickly with a neutral expression fixed on her face that betrays no emotion, but Amanda seems to see straight through her false statement anyway, a thin blonde eyebrow arching skeptically in response, a glimpse of the younger woman's usual cocky attitude on display.

"Liar," she replies with a short laugh that turns into a whimper, the noise low and drawn-out and causing another tear to fall from Olivia's eye. "You wouldn't be crying if it wasn't bad."

"It's just allergies," she scoffs in a tremulous tone, lip quirking up at the side as she watches those crystal blue eyes roll in derision and hears a soft snort escape from Amanda's lips before the action turns into a wince.

"Allergies, sure," the younger woman replies with feigned good humor. "Should I feel honored that I'm special enough to make the tough and unflappable Olivia Benson cry?"

A strangled chuckle emits from Olivia's mouth as she tries in vain to put a halt to the tears, but two more of the traitorous drops roll down her cheeks before she can stop them, her anguish and fear dripping down onto Amanda's quivering body like a leaky faucet. "You're very special," she murmurs sincerely, wishing more than anything that she was able to pull the other woman into her arms and hold her. "You've always been special."

"Oh, really?" Amanda's eyebrow is cocked teasingly again, a smile playing at the corners of her lips before it turns into a grimace. "How special?"

"Very," Olivia says quietly, and the tears that are still trailing steady pathways down her cheeks refuse to abate. "Stop talking now, honey, okay? You need to save your strength. The ambulance will be here in a minute."

"But if I stop talking, I won't be able to say what I need to say," Amanda argues weakly, sharp fingernails digging painfully into Olivia's wrist as if she has to be entirely sure that she has her superior's attention and Olivia is not focused on anyone else.

"You can say whatever you need to say later," Olivia replies softly, pressing harder into Amanda's chest again when she notices that the blood flow has become stronger and trying desperately to contain the tears that have her vision so blurred, she can hardly see what she is doing.

"What if there is no later?"

The simple question that has just been asked by the blonde detective is both abrupt and honest and Olivia stares down at the smaller woman without blinking, their eyes locked intensely together and Amanda's fingers tightening incrementally around her wrist, something significant seeming to pass between them in the ensuing silence, Olivia's throat so clogged with emotion that she is unable to utter even a single word. Everything she has ever wanted to say to her colleague is poised on the tip of her tongue, just waiting to come spilling out into the open, desperate to finally confess these feelings that have only grown by leaps and bounds since that initial day together at the precinct so long ago, but there is only more silence when she opens her mouth to put a voice to all that needs to be said, the all-consuming devastation for what is currently happening obliterating any and all sound.

The only thought in her mind now is how Amanda's hand had felt in hers when they had first been introduced to each other, the smooth pale skin of the smaller hand seeming to fit perfectly against the olive skin of her own larger one, and how different the present situation is now that the same hand is gripping onto her with a strength that is rapidly dwindling, the tender white skin stained dark red with the blood that continues to pour out at an alarming rate, Amanda's pale face growing completely ashen as it drains of all color.

"I can hear the sirens," Olivia finally chokes out around a mouthful of tears, overcome with a wave of horror when Amanda's body suddenly jerks hard against the crimson pavement and she coughs raggedly, a bubble of blood the shade of a cherry appearing on her lips. "Stay with me, sweetheart, just stay with me."

The hands that are pressed so hard into Amanda's chest that she is afraid of cracking a bone, have shifted slightly with the unexpected movement of the younger woman's small form and the wound becomes visible for a split second before Olivia is covering it up again with a stricken gasp. The bullet hole in the upper part of Amanda's chest stands out blatantly between the soaking wet collar of her blouse as it steadily pumps crimson liquid out of her body and saturates everything in its wake; clothing, skin, hair, ground.

Olivia inhales a deep shuddering breath as the gunshot wound is quickly hidden from sight again, her hands closing protectively over the hole and determined to keep as much blood as possible from leaking out of the other woman's rapidly weakening body, Amanda moaning incoherently as she scrabbles at Olivia's arm with frantic fingers that are growing slower in their movements. The wailing of the sirens are almost deafening in their intensity now and Olivia knows that help will be arriving at any second; that Amanda just needs to hold on for a little bit longer.

The relief she feels at the impending aid and support is drowned out by the loud groan that Amanda emits through lips that are now coated in a thin film of blood, the blonde detective gritting Olivia's name out through clenched teeth, beads of sweat standing out on her forehead as her fragile body shivers uncontrollably on the ground.

"Shhh, sweetheart," she chastises gently, biting down hard on her lower lip to hold back the torrent of sobs that have risen to the surface and are intending on exploding out of her mouth in an overwhelming wave of grief, Amanda trying desperately to say something, insisting over and over again through hacking coughs and low moans that she needs to speak; that Olivia has to listen to what she is trying to say.

The sudden screech of tires and the abrupt halt of the screaming sirens barely register in Olivia's hearing as the sound of shoes hitting the pavement and the quick sprinting of feet blend together into background noise while she watches Amanda mouth three little words repeatedly, big blue eyes locked imploringly onto Olivia's own dark ones, blood-stained lips trying in vain to speak before they cease all movement and the blonde detective goes completely still.

"Amanda?" Olivia whimpers in dread, her stomach turning over so harshly that she almost vomits before the weeping starts in earnest, her body frozen to the filthy ground as she continues to hold her hands against the other woman's chest, blood leaking out from between her fingers to stain her skin, the two of them seemingly the only people to exist in that moment. "Talk to me, Amanda, please!" she begs brokenly, the exact opposite of what she had just been instructing the other woman to do. "Talk to me right now, damn it!"

Time seems to grind to a halt as Olivia waits for an answer that never comes, Amanda staring up at her with eyes that are entirely blank and devoid of emotion, the utter silence from a person who is usually overflowing with enthusiasm and ideas such a bizarre concept to behold that she cannot seem to wrap her head around the complete lack of sound; the dead quiet that permeates the air around the cramped space they share so unnatural that a shudder of disbelief races down her spine .

Everything that makes the young detective who she is, that firecracker of a personality that Olivia can now admit she has fallen hopelessly in love with, seems to have disappeared without a trace; the passion, the humor, the sarcasm, the joy, the anger. All she can concentrate on are those wide, unseeing eyes; deep spiritless pools of oblivion that hold no awareness, no pain, no love, no life.

Nothing but crystal blue.

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*Song lyrics by Ruelle's "The Other Side"