Pup

Veiled in choking darkness a young fox let out a low whimper. Fox tiptoed, setting himself and his shaking warm paws onto the cold metallic door of the locker. Lines of white light bled through the slits, bending on the contours of his short muzzle and wrapping against his big forehead. His pointy ears pinned back as he narrowed his eyes. Motes of dust rove through the stiff hot air.

Why does it feel nice?

His trembling emerald eyes slid from one side of the empty silent school hallway to the other.

Why was that good?

Fox held himself as he leaned his back against the chamber wall. His light body made a thud as he collapsed onto the floor.

It was safe, and that was okay.

Fox took a slow deep breaths, his heart pounded against his chest and he flicked his tongue in his dry mouth. He closed his eyes to slip into his dreadful consuming thoughts. Clenching his fangs and rubbing along his arms, trying to mend the wounds within and suturing up the pang ire that dwelled in his aching mind.

Why did they bother me? What was it they wanted? I'd do what they ask so they'd stop, but they didn't. Faint amount of tears welled up, escaping his burning eyes and running down his face. I just want to be left alone. I didn't move when they were around, I didn't laugh, or cry, I just stood there. Why won't they leave me alone! A low whimper escaped his quivering muzzle

Fox slowly opened his eyes as more burning tears escaped. His ears shot up when he heard multiple heavy footfalls echo down the hallway. He quivered from their laughs, and joyous remarks to one another; Their affection and care for one another made him feel...

Alone.

Fox stood up to peek out the hole, setting his paws onto the door. He watched the group of kids walk by, wincing from the pang in his aching heart. Fox clutched his chest, balling up the cloth between his shaking paws. His claws dug into his soft skin, causing a prickling feeling to shoot up his arm.

When their voices faltered, Fox let his tense shoulders, legs, and arms ease. He continued to wait in his sanctum.

There was no one, no sound, no voices, nothing, yet, Fox let out a purgative sigh. For some reason...that's okay.

"He's not coming," Fox said under his breath, his body wilted as he leaned against the wall.

I want to be held, I want to be comforted, I want to be loved!

He tried to breathe, but the assaulting air stung his lungs, the more he tried the more it hurt.

Fox leaned his forehead onto the metal door, letting time slip by.

No one would come.

No one cared.

No one was going to save me.

Fox wrapped his shaking hands around himself, giving himself gentle rubs to soothe the pain. Why isn't it working. Tears fought their way out of his glistening eyes, staining his cheeks. They mottled the floor beneath, each trickle made his ears twitch. He sniffled, trying to silence the pain.

Fox shuddered from the odious thoughts. He tried to think of something else.

He thought of puppies, this brought a half pained smile. He mused on Peppy and Lucy, all the time he'd spent with them made him feel safe and warm. His smile widen. Fox closed his weary eyes and went on. Perhaps being friends with many people would make you happy? But that wouldn't be.

Why is that okay?

Was it them or was it me...? Fox shook his tense head, trying to ward off the racking thoughts once more. It has to be me, but what did I do wrong? Was it because of my head fur...? It always did look bad.

"Am I dumb?" His lower lip quivered, Fox leaned against the locker wall. His legs trembled and feet throbbed. He lost his bearing. He collapsed into tears. Fox nestled his numb paws over his burning eyes. Why was it hurting so fucking much. Why wasn't it stopping, why wont it stop.

"Someone...please make it stop." Fox sniffled, a low whimper escaped his constrained burning throat. "Help me please."

The kid's harrowing voices yelled out through his mind.

"Why do you get to be treated special? You suck!"

"My dad told me people like you were horrible."

"James died because of you!"

Fox froze, wide eyed. I didn't move, I didn't speak, I didn't do anything! Why did they hate me?

You're fucking disgusting.

Fox shook his head, he lifted his paw up into the light that beamed through the cracks. He gazed at his claws, and brood on the one time he forgot to remove the paint from his nails, A pang smile stretched across his muzzle, Lucy was there to always keep me company. She'd always smile as she paint my nails. She made me feel...

Warm and safe.

Saying all the right words.

Her voice harmonized in Fox's mind.

"You'll always be apart of my family, you're my brother."

"Don't cry, everything is going to be okay."

"I'm here for you, and I'll always be."

Fox tried to smile, his lip would stretch out but his happiness dissipated from his racking thoughts.

Lucy's voice cried out.

"I hate you! You ruin everything!"

Fox whimpered, bending his knees in and wrapping his arms around them. "I'm sorry."

He mulled on what more she said.

"You are so mean!"

"I'm sorry." His chest tensed, causing him to breathe deeper with bits of sniffles.

"Why does dad love you more than me!"

"I'm sorry..."

"I thought you cared!"

Fox pulled his knees closer to his chest, his breaths become sporadic. "I do."

"You're hurting me, Fox! Stop hurting me!"

Everything came crashing down. He let go of his legs, letting his arms and legs collapse onto the floor sprawled and lifeless. "I didn't mean to."

Why do they hate me?

Why wont anyone care?

Why am I alone?

Fox clasped his lips together, clamping his fangs and shaking his head. He tried to fight the tormenting thoughts, but it always won, and that's okay.

Whimpering and weeping, he rubbed his forehead against his arms.

"Why does no one like me?" His bushy brows drew apart.

"Why wont...anyone talk to me?" The words burned his throat.

"What did I do wrong?" Fox's ears flatten.

Maybe it had of been something I said? No. I didn't say much, I always kept to myself. Could it be because I hung out with a girl?

Fox smiled, meditating on the little moment with Lucy.

How they splashed each other with the ocean water.

When they went hiking in the woods with their father.

And their moments together playing video games late at night on the flat screen TV.

Fox covered the end of his muzzle, letting a benign smile dimple his cheek. His eyes and body lax, but the provocative thoughts throttled the joy.

Is it because I'm the only fox? His brows narrowed, wrinkling his forehead. No, it had to of been the special treatment?

More tears streamed down his face

It had to of been all just for fun, it would stop when they were done. Maybe they'd let me join it was just a right of passage.

More burning tears streamed down.

It was just rough housing, that's what Father always called it. They were just being kids, it's what kids do, and that's okay.

Fox wiped the dry blood from his wet nose.

Maybe I'm the loser of the class, but why? I smiled like them, I answered question like they did, I did what they did too! Why was I different? I don't want to be!

I'm a canine like them, I laugh, smile, and cry like them. I'm living too! But they hate me. Why don't I fit?

Fox whimpered.

Am I a problem, and they are a solution? It had to of been, why else would I be treated like this? Every show I watch always had the villain lose, but why am I? Am I wrong?

"Why is it hurting?" Fox tried to escape the self consuming thoughts, but he was drowning.

And that's okay.

His ears twitched when he heard the sound of the locker's padlock click. He curled up into a ball, digging his claws into his arms. Waiting for his demise.

The surrounding darkness was pierced when the metal door opened. A gray bulky fur hand reached out for him.

Fox whimpered, he stiffen when the hand drew near. He waited to be struck, but wasn't. Fox peeked his head up with wide eyes to see who it was. He felt a comforting pat on his shoulder.

He felt warm and safe, and that was okay.

Fox smiled and eased when he was pulled in for a tight hug by Peppy. But even then it didn't make the pain stop. No matter how much love he received from him it wasn't enough.

But for now Fox held on tight, refusing to let go. He shut his eyes and cried into his father's chest.

. . .

Fox lie on the bottom bunk. His small body covered by the warm heavy wool blanket, nuzzling his left cheek against the soft fluffy pillow.

His weary hazed eyes fixated on his cubic purple console below. It was connected to a flat screen TV. He tried to lift his chest, but couldn't budge. He tried to move his limbs, but they didn't. He tried to think of positive thoughts, but he couldn't.

Fox let out a weak sigh.

He gazed at his room, trying to move his fingers and toes. However that was too much. But why? Fox's ears shot up when he heard Lucy's voice call out.

"See you later Fox!"

Peppy shouted next.

"We'll be back, just have to take her to the dentist!"

Fox's ears twitched as he heard the living room door shut.

He rested there paralyzed. His fur flatten on the side he lie and his head started to throb. He rolled to face Lucy's side of the room.

Both sides of the room was a carolina blue plaster rugged wall and loop pile stained cream rug. Lucy's part of the room had posters of musicians, in the center was a round mirror attached to the closet door. Arts and craft table in the left hand corner covered with drawings and paper which were in a disarray, and shelf with game figurines.

Seeing Lucy's part of the room made him smile. He meditated on memories he had as they played games, house, and chatted with each other. It felt comforting.

Fox snapped out of his thoughts, fixating on the mirror. He examined his reflection, his bruised right eye, dry blooded nose, and his matted fur. But what hurt the most was his white streak of fluffy fur on his head. It reminded him of who he is and who he lost.

Setting his hands on the crest. He set his trembling paws on the soft strands, clumping it up between his hands. He gripped onto it, letting his small claws dig into his skin. He shut his eyes from the world before he tugged.

An acute pang shot throughout his forehead, causing him to clamp his fangs together. He pulled small strands of his white fur. Gazing up at the mirror with blood shot glistening eyes. It was the same and it always would be.

He closed his eyes to let the painful stream of tears run down his face. Fox rolled to the other side.

"You promised." Fox curled up into a ball. "You...said you'd be back."

"You said I wouldn't be alone."

"Why did you leave?"

"...Was it because of me...?"

He tried to shake the thought, he tried to forget the others, he tried to escape.

He wiped away the tears from his heavy burning eyes. In doing so it felt troublesome and too much. his legs were heavy and unable to budge. He struggled to breathe from the compression welled up in his chest. Fox blinked, trying to remove the moister blurring his vision. He peeked at the gaming console, staring at it as time slipped by. He parted his lips as he let the cool air seep in between.

His legs didn't respond nor did his arms. His mind went dull as his feelings went numb.

It was better to run away than face another moment of his thoughts, and that's okay.

Fox clambered out of bed. His heavy bare feet touched the ground, dragging as he stepped over to the console. He bent over and pressed the white power button to turn it on. A jingle ensued as it started up. When the game screen popped up Fox half smiled, the soothing title song made his ears twitch. He plopped into a red bean bag chair.

His avatar popped out of its house; It looked nothing like Fox, this made him smile. He pushed on the control stick to move around the village. He'd stop to talk to the different array of townsfolk, and when they did their joyous expressions and chip-tune laughs made him feel...

Happy.

At least there's something that cared. Each time he made his character talk to one of them, he felt the heartbreak dissipate which caused the bad thoughts to stop.

Fox writhed in his seat, his expression would change to bliss only to be seized by misery. I miss you Dad.

His little paws trembled. They felt cold, he needed someone's warmth, but there was no one. Even with the little happy characters on screen it didn't stop all the pain.

As the torment went on his eyes glisten from the moister. His breathing became heavy with hints of sniffles, and his heart crumbled as it ached. Fox half smiled, wrinkling his cheek. His chin quivered and fought their way back into a pang frown.

There has to be a way to make it all stop.

There's a way out, runaway from it all. Fox stared wide eyed at the TV screen, ensnared by the dread.

Fox shook his tense head. No, stop! Yet, the thought came back louder. His little paws became impaired and his strength faltered.

He set the controller down, took in a sharp deep breaths which seared his dry throat. Why was it hurting to breathe?

Fox shut his eyes.

You don't have to suffer anymore.

You don't have to go through this anymore.

You don't have to disappoint everyone anymore.

It'll all just go away...won't it?

They more the internal struggle went on, the more he caved in. The more the voices made sense, the more the darkness felt right.

Why is that okay?

Fox stood up. He moped as he stepped into Peppy's room, staring at the hare's hologram computer screen.

Fox made his way to the hologram keyboard, setting his tiny paws onto it. He used a square touch pad on the right to move his cursor.

He opened the browser to type.

wht do you do when alone

The results popped up, and he clicked the first link. Unsatisfied by the result he typed again.

why do people hate me

It was the same, and he typed again.

why wont anyne hlp why am i in pain

Again. Nothing changed. He hesitated to type, bits of tears streamed down his face.

Make it all stop. Just...stop...please. Fox thought.

Fox's paws trembled as they loomed over the keyboard. He closed them then open them. It hurts too much, Y'know how to make it stop. His body froze as he stared at a blank browser screen with a pang expression. The line in the URL box blinked as it waited for him. Fox's stomach contorted, letting bile build up.

It can all end right now. All you have to do is take one step. Fox's paw pads tapped against the hologram keyboard.

what is the thing called for hanging

He clicked the first link, read it, and then typed again.

what can be used for a noose

Fox thoroughly read the page, He typed again.

How to tie a belt into a noose

There was 33,100,000 results. Why is there so many?

Fox shook his head, stepped over to Peppy's closet, and looked for the longest belt he could find: He found two. He pulled them out and headed back to the computer. Fox made himself something that would stop the pain.

He went back to his and Lucy's room, climbed up to the top of the bunk, and tugged on one of the fan's blade towards him.

Tying one belt to the other then to the fan. He made sure it was enough for his feet to not touch the ground.

Fox peeked his head over the rail of the bed. He felt his heart ache and skin crawl.

Fox placed the noose around his neck. The belt fasten causing Fox to gag for a second.

It silenced the voices and stopped the pain. Why does it feel right?

The leather pressed against his fur, gripping his neck, and soothing all the pent up agony.

Fox took in a breath, letting the cold air slip through his tighten neck and into his burning lungs.

He set his hands on the rail.

Halfway looming over the bed.

The thought of the news headline came to mind. Messed up kid dies, no one cares, why didn't anyone care? Because I'm messed up, that's why.

"Why do I have to suffer?" His paws trembled and claws dug into the wood.

Fox's mind pulled him forward, but his body refused to budge. Frozen in place, he fixated onto his little shadow beneath him. Bits of droplets of water splotch the rug.

End it.

Just make it stop.

It'll be quick.

He clenched his fangs from the gut wrenching feeling. His breaths quick and shallow, trembling meek paws dampen from his beating sweat.

His heart raced, pounding against his tense chest. Mouth dried from the air passing by. Fox's vision blurred from the surge of tears.

Fox gasped as his eyes widen, his paws slipped. Time slowed as he plunged forward towards the floor.

The fan blade tugged, creaking as Fox fell.

The belt tighten against his flesh, burning his skin and stifling his breaths.

Fox's body hung.

Abrupt anguish shot through his neck as he choked. His claws scratched into the leather, making grooves. His feet flailed as his body writhed, swinging the belt encircles.

More tears streaked down his face, burning his shut eyes.

His lungs collapsed, begging for air.

For a brief moment, he thought of Peppy.

"You're becoming more like your father."

He heard Lucy's voice whisper.

"Please don't leave."

The thought stabbed his chest and rived his mind.

Fox's vision blurred, bits of black spots begin to engulf his sight. Everything went numb, with his last breath he cried out.

"D...d-d...d" He clenched his teeth."...Ugh...d-dad!"

Fox's body swayed back and forth.

Motionless.

Loveless.

Lifeless.

And that's okay.

The world was black, silent, and cold. Fox could feel darkness deep inside, it spoke to him. But, it wasn't comforting nor was it loving. It wasn't right.

Peppy's booming voice cried out.

"Fox! Don't give up!"

His step father's soothing voice felt loving, caring, and comforting. Fox's eyes trembled the weight of his eyelids prevented him from opening them. He felt a familiar touch to his shoulder and to his knee.

"Stay back! Just stay in the living room, don't look."

The constricting noose around his neck was no more. His heavy body was lifted. His finger tips jolted to life from the twinge which shot throughout his cold body.

He breathy gasped for a air, eyes shoot open, and his heart pounded against his tense chest.

"C'mon boy, don't give up!"

Fox's vision blurred, limbs didn't respond, and felt lightheaded.

"Say something, please say something." Peppy set Fox onto the apartment's living room couch. He rushed to the phone on the kitchen wall.

Fox's hazy eyes settled on Lucy who stood across from him, she stared back aghast.

Fox closed his eyes, he couldn't stand the pain in hers. He tried to shift himself, but his body didn't work.

"Why did you try to leave?" Lucy took a step forward, causing Fox to wince and head jerk to the right. Her hand rested over her mouth and twitching nose. She squatted down next to the couch, her eyes were glossy as they trembled.

Fox tried to speak. His words were caught between his sore throat, trying to claw their way out. His quivering mouth would move but nothing came.

"...Fox..."

He peeked up at Lucy, her painful expression burned.

"...Promise me—promise me you'll never leave!" She set her soft hands on his shoulder. "Don't...go, please."

Bits of tears seeped from Fox's eyes. "I-I...wont...I'm sorry."

Peppy hung up the phone, pulled up a chair from the kitchen, then made his way to the two. He nudged Lucy to the side to set the chair next to the couch.

Fox's eyes settled on the ground, his ears slanted back as he kept his head down. He whimpered.

His eyes and ears shot up when he felt Peppy's warm touch against his shoulder.

It's the same one from before, the same one that was always there, and the same one that always comforted him. But, no matter how much it was, it wasn't enough. Because.

It wasn't James nor his mother's loving touch.

And that's okay.