i can't believe i'm writing this instead of literally anything else

anyways if you like both gintama and osomatsu-san, please join me on this hellish adventure for the next several weeks. i'll do my best to update this weekly. good luck & godspeed to anyone involved in this shitstorm, including any potential readers and myself as well.

for any new fans of either series - like i said in the summary i won't reference major events or characters past episode 25 of gintama or episode 5 or 6 of oso, although there may be small references here or there which should be fairly self-explanatory. feel free to ask for clarification if necessary!

for any veteran fans of either series - feel free to use this fic to drag all your friends into gintama and/or osomatsu-san hell with you. hopefully it ends up being decent enough to make that a worthwhile endeavour; only time will tell, i suppose.

Chapter 1: It's Easier to Lampshade Your Shortcomings Than to Actually Do Anything About Them

What a beautiful day, Shinpachi thinks as he climbs the stairs beside the snack bar. The sun is shining, already warming the crisp morning air, and it feels – fresh, he thinks, clean and fresh and lovely. He inhales deeply and smiles; pleasant mornings are relatively frequent, by all means, but perfect mornings like this one are a rarity. Letting out a sigh of contentment, Shinpachi slides open the door and steps inside the Yorozuya shop.

"Good morning!" he calls out as he slips off his shoes. There's no reply, which is hardly unusual – Gintoki and Kagura are probably still sleeping, since they didn't have any jobs planned for today. Shinpachi shakes his head fondly and wanders towards the main room.

"Gin-san, Kagura-chan!" He slides open the living room door. "Are you still sl—"

"Shinpachi! You're late!" Gintoki slams a hand down on the desk. "And on such a horrible, horrible day, to boot!"

Shinpachi only rolls his eyes. Typical Gin-san – Kagura probably ate all their breakfast rice again, he thinks. "What's so horrible about today?" he asks, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his tone.

"Nothing's wrong, Gin-chan's just being melodramatic again," Kagura calls out lazily from the couch. Shinpachi casually takes a seat across from her.

"How can you say that, Kagura? My god, where did I go wrong in raising you that you can't recognize the trouble that's on its way?"

"Probably when you stopped paying me for all the work I do around here," Kagura deadpans.

"Don't say he stopped paying you when he never started in the first place, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi teases.

"Ooh, good point."

"God, you two are still hung up on the salary thing? When we clearly have more important things to be thinking about?!" Gintoki shakes his head in exasperation.

Shinpachi can't help but roll his eyes. "Would you care to enlighten us on these allegedly 'more important' things that we should 'clearly' be thinking about?" So much for this morning being a perfect one. Leave it to Sakata Gintoki to ruin what could have been a splendid day with his flair for sensationalizing everything – there's already a pit of anxiety beginning to form in Shinpachi's guts.

Gintoki frowns darkly. "We're doing a crossover."

"Wait, that's it?!" Shinpachi groans and sinks backwards into the couch. "And here I was thinking it might actually be something worth worrying over."

"I do not know why you'd ever think anything that comes out of that idiot's mouth is worth worrying over," Kagura yawns. "I told you he was just being melodramatic."

"I'm not being melodramatic! This is a very serious issue!"

"But Gin-san," Shinpachi scratches his head, "the last time we did a crossover it turned out to be really fun! Why are you so worried?"

Gintoki shakes his head. "You may think crossovers are all fun and games—" Shinpachi pinches the bridge of his nose. They are fun and games, Gin-san! "—but that crossover with Sket Dance was an anomaly. We just happened to get along really well because we could empathize with each other on various levels. Also because they were wimpy high school students who knew their show was a Gintama knockoff—"

"Gin-san, you know that's not true—"

"And besides, Sket Dance aside, who the hell would want to read a crossover anyways? This stunt is going to achieve nothing other than tanking this author's readership."

Squeezing his eyes shut, Shinpachi sighs heavily and massages the pounding ache that's appeared behind his temples. "Gin-san… What on earth are you talking about?"

Gintoki shakes his head gravely. "Pattsuan, listen… you may think fanfiction is all fun and games—"

"It is fun and games, Gin-san! It's practically the definition of fun and games!"

"—but it's serious business out there! Barely anyone even reads Gintama fanfiction anymore in the first place, since we've been on hiatus for so long, and crossovers aren't necessarily super popular either!"

Shinpachi frowns. He's not wrong, by any means – the Gintama fandom has been fairly quiet recently… "But surely with the new anime season starting up again, our readership will increase?"

"Irrelevant, Pattsuan. The fact of the matter is, no one cares about crossovers to begin with! Who's going to see this while browsing Archive of Our Own and actually say to themselves, 'wow this looks like something I genuinely want to read?' Who even bothers checking the crossover section of fanfiction dot net? No one, that's who! Look, the timing may seem convenient, but is it really going to help?" Gintoki takes a deep breath, and a resolute determination lights his eyes. "If the author really wants to increase their readership, they'd update one of their current works, or post something new entirely!"

Shinpachi groans. "Oh come on, Gin-san. As if any of that matters! And it's one thing to poke fun at Sorachi-sensei, but roasting a fanfiction writer like this is borderline cruel. You know they're part of our fanbase, right? You should take more care to not hurt their feelings!"

"Yeah, Gin-chan!" Kagura chimes in. "The author might have shitty ideas and a terrible sense of timing, but that doesn't mean you should actually say it out loud!"

"Kagura-chan, you're being just as bad!" Shinpachi slams his forehead into his palm and wonders if either of his companions have ever even heard of concepts like 'self-awareness' or 'tact'. You'd think he'd be used to this kind of shit by now, but then again, you'd also think that the other two may have grown up a little in the past decade or so of their existence.

"The author isn't even the biggest problem at hand here," Gintoki continues. "The series that we're crossing over with is."

Shinpachi perks up a little at that. "I've actually been wondering – who are we being crossed over with?"

Across the living room table, Kagura sits up a little straighter in anticipation. "Yeah, Gin-chan, tell us!"

Gintoki grimaces. "God, you two look like you're actually excited to find out. Haven't you been listening to ol' Gin-san at all the past five minutes? This crossover is a match made in Hell."

"Just shut up and tell us who it is." Kagura flicks a piece of lint in Gintoki's direction.

In a shocking turn of events, Gintoki's face sours even further (Shinpachi had thought he was already at his maximum level of scowl, but apparently not). "Ugh. It's Osomatsu-san. You know, the one with the shitty useless NEET sextuplets?"

Shinpachi blinks in surprise. "Wait, that's it?"

"What do you mean, that's it?!"

"Well… don't our anime series have a similar sense of humour? And the same director even?" Shinpachi's brow furrows in thought. "Wouldn't that actually make us a pretty ideal crossover? Heck, I'm almost surprised there aren't already hundreds of Osomatsu/Gintama crossovers out there already."

Gintoki sighs despondently. "Oh, Pattsuan… Honestly, have I taught you nothing?"

"You really have not, quite frankly."

Waving aside Shinpachi's comment, Gintoki continues as if nothing had been said. "Listen, if they're using the same kind of referential, fourth-wall breaking type of humour that we are… Just think, Pattsuan! Use your stupid shitty brain for once in your life! They could completely take us over! They have the power to do that!"

Shinpachi rolls his eyes. "Seriously, Gin-san? This again? What's with this paranoia that someone is going to hijack our series?"

"The only thing being hijacked here is your empty head with all these stupid ideas of being hijacked." Kagura adds.

"We're far too disorganized to hijack another series, anyways," comes an unfamiliar voice from the doorway. The three odd jobbers freeze in place.

"Awwe, come on, Choromatsu. Why would you say something like that? Don't go putting us down, you make your big bro so sad when you do that!" There's a hint of obnoxious laughter in the next voice that appears, and Shinpachi slowly turns in his seat.

"Well, it's true! God knows we can't even get jobs in our own series, and they're worried we're going to somehow commandeer theirs? Unlikely." The first voice is speaking again, and it belongs to a serious-looking man in a green hoodie. Coming through the door behind him are a handful of more men with identical faces, each wearing a different coloured hoodie. Shinpachi swallows hard. Of course he knows that Osomatsu-san is about a group of sextuplets, but seeing them in person is… Well, it's a sight to behold, alright.

"Why would we want to take over Gintama, anyways?" The speaker this time is wearing a pink hoodie, and his eyes are locked on a smartphone in his hand. "We're obvously the superior anime, anyways," he says, without a hint of emotion other than sheer boredom, and it takes Shinpachi a few seconds to fully parse the incredibly provocative statement he's just made.

"W-wait, hold on a minute—" Shinpachi begins, but Gintoki beats him to the punch.

"Hey, what do mean, superior?!"

The one in pink shrugs, and beside him, the one in blue whips off his sunglasses so dramatically that Shinpachi feels a twinge of real, physical pain flash through his body.

"Heh. Haven't you heard? We're a sensation, you know. The talk of the town, as they say. We've got hordes of fangirls all over the world who woud die for a chance to meet us in person! Didn't you watch our season two premiere this week?" Shinpachi cringes at the guy's broken English, and across the room Gintoki is positively fuming.

"What, you think that just because you have a few fans, you're hot shit? Like how Vegeta thinks he's the strongest fighter in the universe?!" Gintoki clenches his fists, and Shinpachi sighs. He's got no right to judge the Matsuno brothers when the Yorozuya has someone embarrassing on their side as well. "Well, we have fans too! We're a top-selling series with tons of fangirls! Do you know how many times real life girls have voted me as ideal boyfriend material? Even Vegeta came over to the hero side eventually, so I know you guys can eventually accept that we're higher quality," Gintoki preaches.

"Call yourselves top-selling all you want, but the fact of the matter is we're just better." The pink one shrugs again, and continues without looking up. "For one thing, our references aren't wildly outdated. I mean come on, Dragon Ball? Plus you're always picking on Naruto, and Dragon Quest, and all sorts of other retro series."

"You're calling us outdated? You're originally from the sixties! And how dare you insult all of those classics!"

"Just because they're classics doesn't mean they're not old. Just face it, no one cares about Boruto's Dad anymore except for you guys."

The one in green – Choromatsu, Shinpacih recalls – nods his assent. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Todomatsu is right. Everyone's reading about Midoriya Izuku and Hinata Shouyou and Eren Jaeger these days."

"Hey, people still read One Piece! People still care about Luffy!" Gintoki counters through gritted teeth.

"Well…" Choromatsu falters, "that's. That is true."

An awkward silence falls over the room.

"A-anyways," Shinpachi starts hesitantly, "we should probably stop arguing like this… It'll be tough on our readers to follow, since this isn't animated or even drawn…"

"True, true, our series are best expereinced in a more visual format than fanfiction, aren't they?" Choromatsu smiles, a clear acceptance of the olive brancg that Shinpachi has extended.

"Like I said earlier, this crossover is really contrived," Gintoki jumps in. "I mean, posting the first chapter in the week after both of our shows start a new season? Talk about transparent. The author is obviously using the new season hype as a popularity booster."

"They're cutting it pretty close, too, aren't they? Doesn't your second episode air tomorrow?" Red-sweater brushes a finger under his nose and grins.

"I bet the writer thinks they're actually gonna update this on a weekly basis, too," Gintoki snorts, and everyone chuckles. A sense of calm settles over the small apartment, and a little bit of tension bleeds out of Shinpachi's shoulders.

And then a low voice breaks the silence— "So… now what?" It's one of the brothers that hasn't spoken yet – he's wearing purple and leaning against the wall, far back from the group.

Gintoki shrugs. "Well, I didn't really have any plans beyond poking fun at you losers—"

"Which would be wildly hypocritcal, you know," Shinpachi mutters under his breath, but Gintoki just waves him off.

"Look, this is getting stupid, and I'm tired, so I'm going to go play some pachinko and forget about this whole idiotic premise." Gintoki stretches and stands.

"Oh, you guys have pachinko here?" Red sweater's eyes light up with excitement. "Count me in! You got horse racing too?"

"Of course we do, who do you think we are?" Gintoki drawls, and the two step out the door, leaving everyone else in silence once again, this one being somewhat more on the awkward side than the last.

Shinpachi glances nervously around the room – there's not really any point to any of the Matsunos being here anymore, but he's not sure what to suggest they do, since he doesn't know what they like, or even what most of their names are, for that matter…

Shinpachi coughs stiffly. "Ah, we never introduced ourselves properly, did we? We're Yorozuya Gin-chan. I'm Shinpachi, and that's Kagura."

"And the lazy gambling shithead who just left is our stupid leader, Gin-chan," Kagura adds.

"Ah, sorry we should have introduced ourselves as well!" Choromatsu rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. "I'm Choromatsu, the third brother."

"Karamatsu, at your service." the one in blue says in what is probably intended to be a suave voice, but definitely comes across… well… certainly not as cool as he likely wants it to. "Second eldest."

"I'm Todomatsu," says the one in pink, without looking up from his phone.

"Ichimatsu," mumbles the one in purple.

"Ichimatsu is the fourth, and Todomatsu is the youngest," Choromatsu smiles, and then immediately frowns. "Uh…. Where's Jyushimatsu? Wasn't he with us when we got here, Ichimatsu?"

Ichimatsu shrugs. "Beats me. I'm pretty sure he made it across into this world, at least."

Choromatsu sighs. "Well, I'm sure you guys will meet him eventually. He usually wears yellow, and he likes baseball. Oh, and of course you've also met the eldest – Osomatsu."

"The scumbag who left to go play pachinko as soon as your leader brought it up," Todomatsu yawns. "Well, anyways, I'm heading out now. See ya." And with a casual wave of his hand, the youngest Matsuno exits the apartment.

Choromatsu rolls his eyes. "I apologize for my youngest brother's rudeness earlier, by the way."

"Oh, no worries," Shinpachi laughs. "We would've given Gin-san shit for ranting if he hadn't."

"Gin-chan thinks his opinions are relevant," Kagura explains, "so we have to put him in his place sometimes."

Choromatsu smiles. "Well, I suppose it was rather entertaining. Anyways, we should stop imposing on these guys. Ichimatsu, Karamatsu-niisan, lets get going."

"Ah yes, there's a whole world out there just waiting to be explored, isn't there?" Karamatsu chuckles. "Come, dearest brother, let us go see what all the fuss is about, shall we?"

"Shut up, shittymatsu," Ichimatsu growls as he kicks his brother out the door. There's a sharp yelp, and then Choromatsu slides the door shut behind them.

Silence reigns, once more.

"So… that happened," Shinpachi says, hesitantly.

Kagura nods, eyes fixed on some indeterminate, distant point. "Yup… it sure did."

Their encounter hadn't been as chaotic as Gintoki had predicted, but it had still been… a fairly wild ride, to say the least. Shinpachi sighs, and adjusts his glasses.

Only time will tell if this will be a complete disaster or not, I suppose, he thinks. Hopefully it won't get too out of hand.

what will those pesky matsuno brothers get up to around town? will the world really descend into chaos as gintoki has anticipated? and will the author actually manage to update at a reasonable time next week? tune in next time to find out!

(questions/thoughts? i'd love to hear them - feel free to leave a review (i won't respond to reviews here on FF but i will reply to comments on ao3), or visit me on tumblr charmingstrangeness)