Authors note:

Hi everyone! Probably a lot of you have no idea what this story is or why I'm bothering to write a non-update after 7+ months, but bear with me:

Right, so one of my first series in the SW universe is my The ties that Bind Series. This story, which I started writing over a year ago, was supposed to be a continuation of that series and I had and still have 2 more installments in the series planned. However, with Save Me From Myself, I hit a lot of turbulence and it was pretty unpopular and ultimately I decided I didn't want to continue it anymore. I officially abandoned it back in April but I was never really happy with how I ended it and brought the whole series to a halt.

So today I was cleaning out some stuff and found my old notes for this story and thought maybe I'd want to continue it maybe? Nope, still can't stand it. Don't like this fic at all. BUT I do want to someday continue the series I want to close this fic up properly so it stops bugging the back of my mind every time I see it on my dashboard.

Closure anyone? I want closure. So, without any further ado, here are my original bullet point notes and occasional annotations on what was going to happen in Save Me From Myself:

chapter 5: Down in a Hole

Kylo's getting much more neurotic, keeps fantasizing about Rey pregnant, jealous he missed out on that

Kylo's work has been suffering, Snoke notices

Kylo reaches out for Rey through the Force, gets nothing back, loses his shit a little

doting on Desmond (damnit, still like this name! If I ever write a baby fic when they have a son I'm totes using it). Kylo tries to but Desmond's love with toys/etc because he feels he can never earn it himself. (angst much?)

Kylo teaches Desmond more of the Force, frustration at having to do it from afar because he has to hide his darkness. At this point Kylo is torn because he knows that Desmond isn't real, that he's just a figment of his imagination and dreams, but he's also afraid that if Snoke finds out about these dreams he'd take them away from him. (yep, more angst! Now I'm really starting to remember why I didn't like this fic…)

early confrontation with Snoke about his increasingly erratic behavior

Snoke's reaction to hearing that Kylo had Rey in his custody and he didn't tell him and she got away, Snoke takes it alarming well (dum dum de dum…)

Kylo hides Desmond deep in his mind, fear of losing imaginary son

Kylo feels an impulse of Rey and Poe together through the force

Kylo assigned a retaliatory mission against the Resistance (some of this I think I used in the last final chapter, don't remember and just skimmed it)

chapter 6: Idle Hands are the Devil's Playthings

Kylo leads a very bloody battle against the Resistance, really has something to prove to himself

self reflection and hardcore denial

Kylo senses Rey feeling him through the Force, she's trying to check up on him but the moment she feels him back she runs away

that night no Desmond in his dreams, but he summons Rey to him and surprisingly it works! You know what that means: time for some pervy preggo sex!

Back to real life: Kylo is so distracted with the next wave of the assault on the Resistance that he bungles it up really good, huge disaster

Kylo's self reflection on the prostitute and how he's fucked things up in his life

Kylo refuses to abandon Desmond like he was abandoned (nevermind that Desmond's not even really, I was trying to establish that Kylo's really start to lose the plot between reality and fiction)

Chapter 7: My Black Little Heart

back in dreamtime, Desmond's back and he uses mind tricks to try and ultimately fail to escape Kylo's clutches, Kylo is equally parts impressed and very hurt

Snoke confronts Kylo about his dreams, gives an ultimatum

moment of crisis: Kylo rejects Desmond and his dream life and banishes them from his mind himself

Kylo tries to tear down Rey's walls around their bond, hurts them both but fails, still he can feel Rey's concern that he's losing it

Rey finally comes to him, brings him back from the edge and they share a soft moment

crushing guilt, realizes that if he and Rey ever had a child together Snoke would do to him what he did to Ben, Kylo can't let that happen

dream again of Desmond, reassurance but also a super angsty scene (like, super angsty. IDK why I had so much damned angst in this fic, like really?)

Chapter 8: Over and Over

(most of this chapter was an extended dream sequence I think? I don't actually remember what I intended to happen here, but here are my notes as I wrote them to myself:)

Kylo sets up his quarters and moves Desmond in there to keep him safe and out of the prison cell, plus guilt he didn't do this sooner

Kylo tries to comfort Desmond because the poor kid is scared shitless of the lunatic who's playing daddy with him (some of this scene was pretty funny so I'm not posting it here in case I decide to use it somewhere for something else!)

"tenderness from IRL and Dream Rey, triggers Snoke, Kylo affection and Light" (put in quotes because that's directly what my notes say and no, I don't know what they mean either)

Snoke has had enough of this shit, his apprentice is all kinds of derpy and he demands Kylo sever the force bond with rey now on his own (this fic was pre-TLJ when the idea of the force bond was different than canon proved)

Kylo promises to sever the connection but is totally lying, Snoke sees through this and mentally attacks Kylo, knocking him unconscious and torturing him

Kylo, dreaming while unconscious and tortured, imagines that Rey has somehow miraculously appeared on his ship

he proudly shows a captured Rey how he's carted for Desmond, presents her healthy and happy (ish) son to her to try to win her affections, extended reactions scene with Rey, let's just say she's not happy, but when Kylo (still dreaming) storms off to cool off from their latest fight he comes back and she and Desmond are sleeping in his bed and it's all awwww (yeah… no… last and final appearance of Desmond BTW)

final scene was a pan out to Snoke torturing a delirious Kylo really good

chapter 9: Hell to Pay

Snoke doing nasty stuff to Kylo's mind, Kylo has moment of reflection and realizes the true nature of his master

(would have been a hallucinogenic dream sex with rey scene, apparently. I don't know why I thought this was either a good or appropriate idea to have here?)

Kylo finally wakes up, overpowers Snoke and flees, Snoke makes it too easy on him to get away (again ominous music of foreshadowing)

just to add insult to injury, Kylo has another force vision of Rey and Poe together, totally loses it and solo attacks a restistance base where Poe is stationed

has the opportunity to blow that shit out of the sky, then Kylo ultimately redeems himself by calling off the attack because he knew Rey would never forgive him if he went through with it and paradoxically Desmond would never exist if he killed his father (because this version of Kylo was a troubled young man…)

Kylo goes rogue from the First Order, sets off to find Rey himself

Chapter 10: Epilogue: Paved With Good Intentions

Kylo thinks that their bond is the will fo the Force and he uses the thread to guide him to Rey

oops, spoilers, Rey is actually leading him to her

Rey and Luke's BIG PLAN finally revealed (actually mostly Luke's plan since dear gods is he ever tired of that little shit nephew of his…): all the dreams of Desmond and the visions of Rey and Poe hooking up were totally fake and planted in Kylo's mind BY Luke through his and rey's force bond. Cruel? Sure. But ultimately worth it because it brings Kylo back to them.

Kylo realizes the trick but doesn't let on, challenges Rey to fight him but he's already decided that, cruel lie or not, she's his soul mate and they are destined to be together no matter what it costs him or anyone (more foreshadowing ominous music? You freakin' betcha!)

Kylo plots a trap of his own for Rey, she falls for it and this sets the stage for the next installment in the series where the meet face to face

final line: "For the first time since his transformation, the light has called to Kylo ren and he has answered back. No what will be remains unwritten."

(ps. I think that final line made more sense in my head)

THE END

Well… that was… something. Rereading and then typing these notes made for an oddly meta Saturday evening for me. I definitely don't like this story now. Maybe a year ago this was more my thing but now not at all.

It's interesting that, aside from a few major issues, this could almost work as a pre-prequel to No rest for the Wicked. Like Kylo's whole ambushing Rey idea could totally have been The Space in Between if I'd decided to go that way. And now I really don't like Luke scheme. It's just cruel. But keep in mind this was pre TLJ where we had no idea how Luke's character was going to be and there were rumors swirling he'd be a hero-villain hybrid so… yeah, I can see where I was going with this but I'm glad I never finished this project because now i'd have to be apologizing for it.

So where does this leave my Ties That Bind Series? I still want to keep it going, but I think I'll just do a time jump over the events in this story. No clue at all when that will be, I'm having a serious moment with my writing right now so I'm sticking to one shots for the time being.

BUT I hope someone here got something out of these notes. Maybe they at least made for a few minutes entertaining reading, right? And now I can finally put this story to rest.

Love to all who read this then and now, and if you're interested keep an eye out for my future works or drop me a line on tumblr at lost-inthesunlight! Hope to hear from you all! XOXO