Prolouge

Bucky wasn't the one that had trigger words. All Soviet soldiers and assassins had a book. And not all of them had all of their memories. But they all have secrets. Natasha fit in that category. She had a book for her trigger words. She only has a small fraction of her memories. She had secrets on top of secrets. Some she didn't even know herself. Pretty much all of them she kept to herself. Only Clint, Laura, and Bucky knew them. Clint and Laura knew from her nightmares. Bucky knew because he remembered her, eventually. He remembered training her. He remembered slowly falling in love with her. He remembered the nights he and Natasha stayed up in secret. He remembered the stolen and gifted kisses and trading their hopes and fears. He remembered them getting caught and her being torn from his arms. Then he remembered both of them being wiped. He remembered Natasha being paired with Alexi, who later became her husband. She doesn't remember Alexi. Natasha doesn't remember a lot of things. She doesn't remember her parents, her actual last name, her actual birthdate, anything past 1989. Natasha doesn't know her last name is Romanova or that she was born in 1928. She knows she was given many serums, but she doesn't know everything that they did to her. She'll know soon. Everything will come back to her. But not without pain.

Natasha's POV

After she left the hospital, which was after her showdown with Tony, Natasha deleted everything on her phone, smashed it, wrote notes to Tony and Ross, packed some weapons, money, clothes, and a few other things into a black suitcase and went to a train station to buy a ticket to Amsterdam. Before she bought the ticket, she went into the bathroom to get a new look. It was a single-roomed bathroom, so it was just her. Natasha took some hair dye and applied it to her hair. They would be looking for red hair, not platinum blonde she thought. Then she reached into her bag and pulled out some scissors and hacked off her hair and placed in a plastic bag along with the hair dye. It stopped mid-neck now, instead of past her shoulders. Natasha gazed at herself in the mirror studying her new look. It was almost complete except for her eyes, makeup, and clothes. She pulled out a container filled with contact lenses. She picked the blue ones and put them in her eyes. Blonde hair, blue eyes, definitely not what Ross would be looking for. Natasha then changed into a yellow button-down shirt and a white pencil skirt. She applied mascara to her eyelashes, made some contour lines on her face, and put a deep red lipstick on her lips along with some blush and drawn in freckles. She was ready to go. Natasha stuffed her hair into the suitcase and switched out her wallet for the one with the fake ID and credit cards. Her name is Lotte Smitt now. No more Natasha Romanoff. Natasha Romanoff was the name of an Avenger. Lotte Smitt was the name of a young upcoming businesswoman who has returned back to her home country after a couple of years. Natasha left the bathroom, bought the train ticket, and boarded the train to Amsterdam.

Hopefully the government thinks I would have gone farther than Holland. Clint, Wanda, Sam, and Antman please be okay. Poor Laura and Lila, Cooper, and Nathaniel. Clint said one more mission. It is his last. There's nothing I can do. I hope that Steve and James are okay. That this wasn't all for nothing. My reputation is completely down the drain. The WSC and US government and governments have an excuse not to trust me besides the info in the data dump from two years ago. Everything I told S.H.I.E.L.D. was laid out for their eyes to see. They wanted to lock me up, but they couldn't not back then. But now they can. I hope Tony forgives me. He should have known that I am always loyal to Steve and Clint. But Natasha you didn't have a choice. Ross told you he would revoke your citizenship in the US. Send you back to Russia. He knows that they would kill me as soon as they knew I was there. Their best agent, who betrayed them. Ross wants to kill me. Like most of Capitol Hill, he wouldn't mind me dying. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for Clint to kill me. I wouldn't be in this mess right now. I could be burning in Hell right now. Or maybe I should have left Nadia take that mission. Clint could've killed her. I could still be with the Red Room. My home. I could-

Her thoughts were interrupted by the conductor who asked,"Ticket please, mam."

"Yes hold on," Natasha replied with a heavy accent, as she reached into her wallet to get the ticket. "Here you are," she said.

The conductor took her ticket and scanned it. "Miss Lotte Smitt?"

"Yes, that's me," said Natasha smiling.

"Okay, have a nice day!" the conductor said and handed her ticket back.

Natasha took the ticket and placed it back into her wallet and went back to her thoughts.

What was I thinking again? Oh yeah! I could go back to my old life. Killing people, but for money. Be the hitman you don't expect. It's a nice pay. No Natasha. Never again. Why would I think that. That's why the government can't trust me. A merciless killer working in the ranks of the government. Why would you let me do that. I can't be trusted. I could have a book of trigger words like Barnes. Someone could just show up and read them to me. There's nothing I could do. Unlike us, the Avengers, the government wouldn't show any mercy for taking down a brainwashed, Russian, assassin. I would win against them most likely but that would cause more fear and hatred against me. My life would be even worse.

The sound of the train stopping brought her back to reality. Everyone was leaving the train, so she joined them. Natasha grabbed her luggage and exited the train car hastily. She went through the passageways of the station which brought her to the front where there was a bus stop. She picked up a bus schedule from a stand next to the bus stop. A bus would be there in about four minutes for the route that she was taking. Natasha sat down on the bench next to the sign waiting for the bus, hoping that her disguise was good enough. The bus came after a few minutes. Natasha got on and sat in the middle on a seat that faced horizontal of the bus. The ride wasn't long even though it had a few stops. There wasn't too many people on the bus either. She got off at her which was near the outskirts of Amsterdam. There was an apartment complex there. Natasha remembered seeing it while she was on a mission here with Clint when she first joined S.H.I.E.L.D. It wasn't much but it would do. Small and cheap. Perfect. She went to the office area to see if there were any apartments available. There was a woman at the desk who looked quite bored. Natasha went up to her to talk about the apartments.

"Hallo mam. Hoe kan ik u helpen? (Hello mam. How may I help you?" asked the woman.

"Ik vroeg me af of er nog vacante appartementen waren. (I was wondering if there were any vacant apartments.)" said Natasha.

"Laat me controleren," she said. "We hebben alleen studio's over. Is dat goed? (Let me check. We only have studios left is that okay)"

"Dat is prima (That's fine)," Natasha replied.

"Oké, teken deze contracten gewoon aan en je zult goed gaan. (Okay, just sign these contracts and you'll be good to go)."

Natasha skimmed over the papers and signed them at the bottom. She handed them back to the woman, who checked to see if she signed everything. Then Natasha paid her the first rent amount which was listed on the contract. Then she gave Natasha a key.

"Deze gaan naar kamer 317. Het is op de derde verdieping (These go to room 317. It's on the third floor)" the woman said.

"Dank je," Natasha said as she was walked out of the office. She walked up the stairs, which made a creaking sound every time she took a step. The railings were rusty and wobbly, so Natasha didn't dare to use them to get up. Not like she needed them anyway. She continued to climb the stairs to the third floor. When she got to the end there was a long hallway lined with doors to the apartments. She looked at the signs to see which one was hers. Natasha found her apartment at the end of the hallway. She took her key and opened the door. Her eyes weren't ready for the sight before her. The apartment was the dirtiest place she had ever seen. There were cobwebs and dust everywhere. The windows were caked in dirt and the floor covered in an unidentifiable substance. The toilet water was a mud color and the shower had patches of mold growing in it. There was a washing-machine that had more dents than Thor's wall in his room at Avengers Tower. And paint was peeling everywhere among other things.

No wonder this place is so cheap. I'm gonna have to work harder than Cinderella to clean this shit up. Better get a head start.

Natasha placed her suitcase in a corner of the room next to a box spring with a mattress and opened it to retrieve a satchel. Then she took her wallet, keys, and bus schedule and put them inside. She took note of everything she needed and made a mental list of what to get for the apartment.

Apartment List

broom

Windex

rag

duster

2 sets of sheets

Scrubbing Bubbles

laundry basket

burner phone

bucket

mop

tile cleaner

bleach

detergent

pillow

bottled water

granola bars

trash can

trash bags

vodka

solo cups

toilet paper

towels

I think that's all for now.

Natasha walked out her apartment and down the stairs to the front of the building, where she waited for a bus to come. She waited 7 minutes until one finally showed up. A few people got off, but she was the only one that got on. She sat down in the back after paying the fare. The doors closed and the bus drove off. It drove to the heart of the city. Natasha got off and looked around for a store that might have what she needs. She found one that sold cleaning and household supplies which cleared a lot off of her list. She just needed some sheets, a burner phone, bottled water, granola, vodka, solo cups, and towels. She walked around some more and found a store that had some sheets and towels. Natasha bought a white set and a black set for the sheets. She bought a turquoise and pink set of four towels. She looked a little odd walking down the street with everything in her hands, so she ended up buying a small cart to carry everything. Natasha rolled the cart all around the city until she found a grocery store, where she bought everything else on her list even the burner phone. She looked at the bus schedule to figure out where she should be. One of the buses would take her to a stop that was near to another stop that would take her back to the apartment complex. But the bus at the first stop wouldn't be there for two hours. Then when she got there she would have to wait another two hours. She decided to walk back to the apartment complex herself.

I can walk back. It would take less time. Because I am not about to wait four hours to get home. No not home, the apartment complex. It will never be home. My home is with the Avengers. Not here. I wish they were here. I wish we never fought. They could be here with me, looking at all the buildings, stores, and people. We could be teasing Steve or laughing at something that Tony said. Me and Clint could be talking about how farm life is and past missions we went on. Rhodey and Sam could be bonding over how they both served in the Air Force. Wanda and Vision, well just do their thing that they do. Those two love each other but they can't be together right now. I wish Bruce and Thor would come back wherever Bruce is. I wish they could see the change from the clean modern to the dirty poor. Why can't we just get along? Why did they have to make the Accords? We can't save everyone. We make mistakes. That's just our life. We're sorry, we feel guilty, but we tried our hardest to be there when things go wrong. But no. We'll control them Ross says. They have to sign.

*Flashback*

Natasha was in her room thinking about what happened in Lagos. She knew that Wanda was just trying to contain the explosion. She didn't mean to let it detonate on the building. The girl just lost control. Then Natasha heard a knock on the door. She got up from her bed to answer. She opened the door and was met with the sight of Secretary Ross.

"Can I help you?" she asked him. But in her head she was thinking. What's this government asshole doing here?

"Yes Agent Romanoff or should I call you Natasha. Or maybe even Natalia," Ross said slyly. Natasha's face went white and gave Ross a look that would kill him if they could.

"I guess Natalia is something you don't want to be called. It got your attention. And I will use it to my advantage."

"What do you want Ross?" Natasha growled. "Cause I'm not in the mood to play your little games."

"I have a proposition for you, if you're willing to listen, Natalia."

"Go on."

"After what happened in Lagos, me and other WSC members have decided to make restrictions on the Avengers' power. We have come up with the regulations that have been named the Sokovia Accords. When there is a world catastrophe we will decide on whether we should send the Avengers or not. We decide which Avengers go too. All Avengers must sign the Accords," Ross explained.

"What happens if we don't sign them?"

"You are retired. No more avenging for you."

"That is a terrible idea. You're taking our freedoms away. We go when Earth is in trouble. Not when tell us to. This-"

"Solves problems. Natalia-"

"Stop calling me Natalia. Natalia is dead. Natalia is the name of a killer."

"Isn't that what you are," Ross retorted. Natasha fell silent. "You know, you're the first Avenger to know this. You know why?"

"No."

"Because this is part of my proposition. Romanoff, I told you first because everything you know and love can be changed by this based on whether you stay or not. If you sign, you stay. But if you don't you not only are retired, but your citizenship will be revoked and you'll be sent back to Russia."

"You can't do that. America's my home. You are disrespecting my rights as a citizen here."

"No, citizens were born here. You are an immigrant. Immigrants will never been seen as a citizen here, even if you do get a citizenship. It's just a piece of paper."

"The US didn't approve it. The WSC didn't approve this. Did they Ross? Did they?"

"If they didn't I wouldn't be here talking to you."

"You know as soon as the Russians know I'm there they'll kill me."

"I know, but that's your problem. Not mine."

"Do you want me dead. Is a deadly Russian spy/assassin too much of a possibility of a threat for you to handle?"

"Well, I wouldn't really care if you were dead. But that's what I think."

"Get out," Natasha said calmly while reaching to pick up one of her knives.

"You don't want to do that Natalia. I could have you arrested for a death threat or attempted murder of a government official. Put the knife down."

Natasha withdrew her hand from her dresser and firmly told him, "Like I said before, get out!"

Ross started to walk out, but before he opened the door, he said,"If you tell anyone about this I will have you acquitted for acts of treason against the US. And we both know what happens to traitors."

"Wait what happens to Wanda? Will you do the same thing to her? She's just a kid."

"No, she doesn't have a citizenship here, and like you said, she's just a kid. Kids have different rules than adults. F.R.I.D.A.Y, delete anything that ties me to being here." Then he opened the door and left.

Natasha stared at the door with shock.

He's wants me dead. He called me Natalia. I am not an American in his eyes. Always the Russian. Always the killer. I lied to him. Natalia is not dead. She's just hiding, waiting to be found. Waiting for me to snap so she can come out. She'll get me one day.

*End of Flashback*

Natasha made it back to her apartment complex in a little under two hours. She rolled the cart up the stairs and inside the studio. She unlocked the door and put the cart in the corner. She studied the apartment for a moment and then whipped out the broom and started sweeping furiously. Dust and dirt were flying everywhere. Natasha made a couple of piles of debris before setting out her trash can. Then she swept all the dust and dirt into the dustpan and dumped it in the trash. Sweeping was done, now she had to mop. Natasha took the bucket and filled it with water in the sink. Once she had filled it up three-quarters of the way, she set it down on the floor and stuck the mop inside. The substance on the floor seemed to dissolve the more she mopped. The floor was a light brown hardwood. While she waited for it to dry, Natasha put a set of sheets on the mattress and the pillows and dusted. Then she got some Windex and a rag to clean the windows and bathroom mirror. When she was done they looked brand-new. Natasha then started on the rest of the bathroom. First she cleaned the toilet and flushed it to get rid of the dirty water. The sink was next. She sprayed Scrubbing Bubbles and wiped it clean. Last but not least was the shower. It was the worst of all. Natasha took the tile cleaner and scrubbed the inside of the shower like her life depended on it. It took a little while but it was eventually cleaned. She also cleaned the shower head with the Scrubbing Bubbles. Natasha was relieved when she was done. She took a nice long shower and changed into her lounge clothes. Then she pulled out her vodka from the grocery bag and poured it into a cup. She raised it as a toast.

Toast to a new life.

This is far from the beginning.

Author's Note: Second Avengers story. I just start to daydream and then these stories just come to life on my laptop. This would not be possible without me constantly getting off track and music. Thank you Beyonce, Halsey, Imagine Dragons, Sam Smith, Logic, Kesha, and The Hamilton Soundtrack, especially Non-stop. "Hamilton wrote the other 51!" (the essays for the Federalist Papers. If he can write 51 essays in 6 months, I can type a chapter in about 2 days.) Thanks for reading guys!

P.S. I'm from the South and you have no idea how hard it is not to say "y'all" in my stories since there aren't any southerners. I should include Rogue in one of my chapters since she's a southern belle.

P.P.S Please review and favorite! Thanks! The first 5 reviews will be published in my story. Not guaranteed to be the 2nd chapter since I'm going to start that tonight! And the next chapter will be set three months ahead of this time in the story and in a different POV.