Includes lyrics to Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper (1983)

Lincoln Loud hated mornings...Monday morning, Thursday morning, Sunday morning...he and they just didn't mix.

Especially Friday mornings.

See, the thing about Friday mornings is this: You're so close to the weekend you can smell it, but you have one more long, boring day until you get there. Somewhere, he saw a documentary about Alcatraz, the notorious island prison off San Francisco, and one thing that stuck with him (really the only thing) was a man (a former prisoner?) saying that when the wind blew just right, the inmates could smell the popcorn and hotdogs from stands along the boardwalk, and could hear the sounds of people laughing and enjoying the freedom that they themselves could not have. That was Friday morning for Lincoln. Freedom was in sight...but there was a choppy, shark infested bay between here and there.

On that Friday morning in late September, Lincoln rolled out of bed at 6:30, fifteen minutes after his alarm clock first sounded. He was light-headed, his knees were weak, and whenever he tried to open his eyes, they fluttered closed again. Even though it was by no means cold in the house, his shivered when the air touched his skin, hot from the warmth he'd created under the covers. In the hall, he scratched his butt and tried to pry his eyes open, but to no avail. Oh well. He'd done this blind so many times he didn't need to see.

"Uh-oh, girls, it's alive," Luan said, a smile in her voice, and Lincoln rolled his eyes. Have you ever heard it said that someone is a 'zombie' in the morning? Well, Lincoln had...in fact, he heard it every day. His sisters would treat him like one: They would scream and run around in circles and beg him not to eat their brains. It got old quick.

Lincoln took a shuffling step forward.

"It's coming for our brains!" Luna cried. "Run!"

A chorus of girlish screams went up, and Lincoln opened his eyes to slits: Lola, Luna, Luan, and Lana ran around with their arms in the air like a bunch of fools. Just ignore them, Linc; they'll stop.

Managing to keep his eyes open just enough to see, he ambled over to where he figured the line ended and stood still while his sisters yelled and ran around him.

"Could you please knock it off?" Lisa asked. She was standing in her doorway with an annoyed expression on her face. "Your ear-piercing wails are exacerbating my headache."

The screaming stopped and everyone fell back into line. "Maybe you shouldn't have stayed up all night again," Luna said. "You gotta get your sleep, dude."

"I slept," Lisa said as she fell into line behind Lincoln. "Just not very much. I spent most of the night categorizing yours, Lori's, and Leni's DNA samples. It sounds simple, I know, but data entry is extremely time consuming."

The bathroom door opened, and Leni came out, a towel wrapped around her head. "All done," she said softly, more to herself than to anyone else. Luna went in and closed the door behind her.

"That reminds me, Lincoln, I need a DNA sample from you. And from you and Lana too, Lola."

"Why do you even need our DNA?" Lola asked haughtily as she crossed her arms. "Are you making some kind of weird clones or something?"

"No," Lisa said with strained patience, "having your DNA on file is useful for many things. My primary reason for wanting a sample from each of you, however, is for an experiment I've been working on in which I hope to achieve the same tissue growth spurred by stem cells without actually using stem cells, as for some reason stem cell research is frowned upon by many despite its promising potential."

Lola turned around and raised an eyebrow.

Lisa sighed. "Just spit in a cup. Is that really so much to ask?"

"Whatever."

"Great," Lisa said, getting out of line. "Might as well do it now."

While she went into her room to retrieve a cup for each of them, Lincoln crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head back, a rush of vertigo pushing his stomach into his throat. He was really looking forward to tomorrow morning...when he could sleep late. Really, sleeping in was one of the best parts of the weekend.

"Lincoln," Lisa said, startling him. He opened his eyes; she was standing next to him and holding a small plastic cup. Lincoln sighed, bent, and spat into it. "Thank you," she said, and moved onto Lana. By the time she was done, she had lost her spot to Lynn, who grabbed Lincoln's shoulders and squeezed as hard as she could.

"Lincy!" she cried. "How ya doin'?"

"Ow! I was doing fine until you came along."

She rubbed his shoulders hard, and his knees buckled. "You look like you needed a wakeup call."

The door opened and Luna came out. Lola went in.

By the time his turn came, Lincoln's shoulders were sore and red and he had to pee so badly that he could hardly move. You know...their house was pretty big...how in the name of God was there only one bathroom? Sure, there was the one in Mom and Dad's room (not that that helped him), but that was it. Didn't big houses usually have a third one hanging around in the basement or off the kitchen or something? And if not...why didn't Lisa and Lana team up and construct another bathroom instead of fooling around with frogs and DNA?

He stripped off his briefs, hopped into the shower, and turned the water as hot as he could stand. He was starting to wake up now, and the world was looking better. It was Friday and in just a few short hours he would be free for the weekend. He whistled a light, airy tune as he lathered up; having two whole days of free time was like a godsend after a long, hard week of school. What would he do? Ride bikes with Clyde? Go to the arcade with Ronnie Anne?

A tiny smile touched his face when he thought of Ronnie Anne. He really liked her...like like-liked her. He thought she liked him too, but she had this weird thing about not being 'mushy-gushy' that prevented her from coming out and saying it. Sure, the kind of cutesy crap Bobby and Lori did was yuck, but there's nothing mushy-gushy about admitting you like someone, right? He didn't think so. Maybe his line in the sand was a little farther back than hers. Who knows? Their relationship was kind of stalled because of it...but Lincoln wasn't blameless, since he hadn't worked up the courage to be forward either; he beat around the bush or ignored the bush entirely. Soon, he told himself, he'd suck it up, corner her, and give her no choice but to answer one way or another: Is you is or is you ain't my baby?

When he was done, he cut the spray, grabbed his towel, and hurriedly dried. He pulled his undies back on and opened the door. Before he could even take a step, Lynn shoved him aside. "Outta the way, Linco, I gotta piss!"

He hurriedly closed the door just as she started to yank down her shorts. Jeez, Lynn!

In his room, he dressed for the day and went downstairs, where Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lucy, Lola, Lana, and Lisa were eating breakfast. "I take it Lynn is in the bathroom," Lisa said as he passed the table.

"Yep," he said.

"Good," Lisa said. "I still haven't gone and I need to rather badly."

In the kitchen, an army of cereal boxes marched across the counter. He grabbed one and shook it. Empty. He grabbed the next. Also empty. Oh, let me guess; yep, the third one was empty too. The last was almost full, which told him one thing: It sucked.

He picked it up and looked at it. Grape Nuts.

Called it.

His stomach grumbled.

Shaking his head, he grabbed a bowl, poured some of the awful stuff into it, and then topped it with milk. He carried his bowl into the dining room and sat next to Lucy. He couldn't help but note that her bowl was full of the same drek his was.

"You too?" he asked.

"Unfortunately," she sighed.

"At least I'm not alone."

"You know what they say: Misery loves company."

"Speaking of misery," Lori said, and looked at Luan. "Is your comedy show still happening tonight?"

Luan shook her head. "Nope. It was canceled."

"Oh, thank God."

Luan's face darkened.

"I can barely tolerate one mediocre so-called comedian," Lisa said, "I don't think I could have handled a dozen of them."

"The funniest thing about those shows is that people actually pay to see them," Luna said, her eyes dancing with malicious glee.

"You're a bunch of bitches," Luan said tightly.

Each morning in the Loud house, someone got roasted. It was a family tradition that stretched back as far as Lincoln could remember: Lori, Leni, and Luna sitting around the table and calling each other "boogerheads" and insulting each other's favorite cartoon. Sometimes it was funny...sometimes it was plain vicious. It was all in good fun, though.

"Luan's so bad the only way she could get a reaction from the audience is if she flashed them," Lola said.

"Yeah," Leni said, "and the reaction would, like, be 'Why doesn't that girl have tits?'"

Everyone laughed, even Lincoln. Luan's face turned crimson and she whipped her head away from them.

"Her tits are almost as small as Lincoln's nuts," Lynn said, coming in. She wrapped one arm around Lincoln's neck and ground her knuckles into his scalp. Lincoln cried out and tried to pull away, but she held him tighter.

"Knock it off!" he cried.

She released him, then did the same to Lucy. "Ow," Lucy said impassively.

"You're one to talk, Lynn," Luan said. "I've seen your chest. Lincoln's tits are bigger than yours."

Lynn shrugged. "Eh, tits are overrated." She grabbed Luan's orange juice and lifted it to her lips.

"Hey!"

Lynn drained it and sat it back down. "They just get in the way when you're running." She bopped Luan on the top of the head and danced away when Luan turned to swat at her. "Gotta be quicker than that, chuckles," Lynn laughed as she went into the kitchen.

My family is crazy, Lincoln thought, but grinned fondly, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Lori Loud was not the smartest girl in the world. Oh, she wasn't stupid, but sometimes things kind of...slipped her mind. They usually came back, though...eventually. That Friday afternoon, she was sitting on a bench outside the Tastee-Freez and waiting for Bobby when something started to niggle the back of her mind, something important. She furrowed her brow and tried to coax whatever it was forward, but it remained in the shadows of her gray matter, dancing a mocking little jig just out of reach. Was she forgetting something? She thought back over her day. She had homework, but she did that during study hall...that was it. She literally couldn't think of anything else. Hm.

She crossed her legs and watched the cars passing on Main Street. There was a Prius...a Ford...a panel van with FREE CANDY written across the side...

Wait.

She leaned forward and watched the van pass. On its back doors was FREE PUPPIES TOO. Okay, wow. Someone had a sick sense of humor. She lifted her hand to her mouth and giggled. It was kind of funny, though.

Shaking her head, she glanced at the phone in her lap. No texts. Where are you, Boo-Boo-Bear? You were supposed to be here five minutes ago! She pouted and rested her chin in her palm.

Niggle-niggle.

Alright, she was forgetting something major. What was it? Was she supposed to get something from the store? Did she leave something at school? She checked her pockets and her purse. Nope. Everything important was present and accounted for. Was she supposed to pick someone up somewhere? She went through the mental list of her siblings. Lucy? Nope. Linc? Nope. Lynn? Nope. Luna? Nope. The twins? Nope. Hm.

Brain fart. Had to be.

She glanced down at her phone. Still no texts. Sighing, she grabbed her Coke from the table behind her, slipped the straw into her mouth, and sipped. In the street, a red sports car zipped by, a black man behind the wheel and looking like he was having a seizure. Loud music blasted from the speakers:

That's all they really want

Some fun

When the working day is done

Oh girls, they wanna have fun

Lori giggled. Dude was really getting it too. In fact, he was even now throwing both arms into the air and waving them back and forth. She covered her mouth and laughed hard. Gee, the things you see when you just sit down and people watch. She had a reputation for always having her nose buried in her phone (and she kind of earned it), but she liked putting it aside every now and then and observing the world. It could be really funny sometimes. Just the other day, she caught Mr. Johnson, the high school janitor, dancing around in the hall like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, pumping his hips and pointing and everything.

Niggle.

Sigh. This was starting to literally get on her last nerve. What was she forgetting? Whatever it was, it was pretty serious, and it really bothered her that she couldn't remember it. She was the oldest, she was supposed to be responsible. Alright. She closed her eyes and went through her entire day step-by-step, whipping out a figurative magnifying glass and getting down on her hands and knees like a character in an old cartoon. Try as she may, though, she couldn't find what she was looking for.

"Hey, babe."

Lori's eyes flew open and she smiled as Bobby walked up.

"Hey," she said happily, the niggle in the back of her brain forgotten. He bent and they kissed, their tongues softly caressing one another.

"Sorry I'm late," he said and sat, "the bus was behind."

"That's okay," Lori said, turning to him, "I don't mind."

Well...she kind of did...but only because she was excited to hear what he had to say: His text said he had something important to tell her.

He smiled at her and took her hands in his, a simple gesture that always made her heart race. He drew a sigh. "I got a letter on Saturday," he said, "from the University of West Virginia."

Lori's heart dropped. Bobby had been applying to colleges all summer, with the University of West Virginia being his first choice. She had already been accepted to the University of Mary Washington in Virginia, and had been silently hoping that Bobby would be too. They had an understanding, though: If he was accepted to WVU, he would go. Lori knew even before he spoke what he was going to say.

"I'm in."

He grinned.

Hot tears rose in Lori's eyes, but she blinked them back and forced a smile. "That's great," she said, thankful that her voice was even. Bobby wanted this so bad, and she didn't want to ruin it for him.

"I'm really stoked," he said, and held her hand tighter, his fingers slipping through hers. "Their track and field program is badass."

Bobby had been running track and field since 9th grade. He was really good. The best Royal County had.

"And it's not all that far from UMW," he said, "we can totally see each other on weekends."

She opened her mouth to point out that neither one of them would have transportation, but she closed it again. Don't bring him down, Lori...he needs you to be supportive. "Yeah," she said, "I'm so happy for you, Bobby. You'll literally be the best runner they have."

He chuckled and shrugged. "What can I say? I'm Mexican, running and jumping is in my DNA."

Lori started to laugh, but that niggle at the back of her mind exploded and consumed her brain in hot, throbbing revelation...and her heart dropped into her stomach. "Oh, shit."

Bobby's brow furrowed. "You okay?"

"I gotta go," she said, ripped her hands out of his, and jumped up.

Oh, shit, oh shit, oh shit...

Lincoln Loud came through the door at 3:22pm, almost an hour after school let out. It usually took him no more than fifteen minutes to walk the mile from Royal Woods Elementary home, but today he and Ronnie Anne hung out on the playground after the final bell. Call him mushy, but he really enjoyed spending time with her...it didn't matter if they were playing a video game, doing homework, sitting side-by-side on the swings like they did today, or each on their own phone and not talking. Just having her nearby was enough to make him happy.

All during their time together, he tried to work up the courage to ask her what they were...friends or more...but he couldn't. That was a complication for another day...this afternoon he just wanted to be with her.

"Hey, lame-o," she said, scuffing her feet in the mulch.

"Yeah?"

She fixed him with a half-grin. "I bet I can go higher than you."

"You think?"

She nodded. "I know."

Lincoln pulled himself back and swung forward. "Let's see."

They both rocked back and forth, the swing set's metal frame creaking and shaking. She giggled and he couldn't help but do the same. "We're gonna break it!" she cried.

"Gotta happen to someone!"

"Not us!"

"Admit defeat, then!"

"Not gonna happen!"

He swung higher than she did...but he let her have the win. Afterwards, they walked together. "You know," she said at one point, "I'm not looking forward to middle school next year."

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Because they don't have recess."

Aw, right. Shoot. He knew they didn't have recess because all of his older sisters had told him at one point or another, but it was so traumatizing that he blanked it out. Okay, it wasn't that, he just forgot. He was eleven and had been going to school for a long time, and recess had always been a part of his day. A major part. How did middle and high schoolers make it through without blowing off some steam at recess?

"That's growing up, I guess," he said, glancing shyly at her. The warm September wind rippled her shiny black hair.

She shrugged. "I guess. Growing up kind of sucks, doesn't it?"

He thought for a minute. "Kind of. You get to do things like drive and go to R rated movies, so it's not all bad."

She giggled. "I guess not."

When they reached his house, they faced each other awkwardly. "I'll see you this weekend, maybe?" he asked.

She nodded. "Maybe."

The sudden urge to lean in and kiss her came over him. Instead, he smiled nervously and rubbed the back of his neck; he was pretty sure she wasn't ready for that yet. "Well...later," he said.

"See ya."

He nodded, then went up the walkway, fighting the urge to look back for one last glimpse. He resisted that temptation.

Ronnie Anne, on the other hand, didn't. She watched him until he was inside, a tiny smile on her face, then she shoved her hands into the pockets of her hoodie and started home.

Lincoln did not know that as he climbed the stairs, his hand trailing the banister. He had a comic book calling his name, and maybe a little Call of Honor later on.

He reached the second floor just as a loud crash filled the house...it sounded like something glass exploded into a million pieces. Lynn and Lana darted out of Lana and Lola's room, both of them looking like kids who had just destroyed a prized family heirloom. "You bitches!" Lola roared, and shot out into the hall, her fists balled. Lincoln had never seen Lynn and Lana look so scared in their lives; they yelled, bumped into each other like the 3 Stooges, and ducked into Lisa's room. "I'm going to kill you!"

Lola stormed forward, and Lincoln hurried after, throwing a glance into Lola and Lana's room: Lola's vanity lay on the floor, the mirror shattered. Uh-oh.

"What was that?" Lucy asked, startling him. She was leaning out of her room.

"Lynn and Lana broke Lola's vanity," he said, "and Lola's about to break them." He brushed past Lucy and went into Lisa's room, where Lola had Lynn and Lana backed into a corner: The two vanity-breaking-bandits hugged each other and shook. Lisa stood by her printer as a long ream of paper spat out, her lips a tight, irritated slash.

"You broke my vanity!" Lola screamed.

"We're sorry!" Lana wailed.

"I-It was an accident!" Lynn moaned

Lola started forward, and Lincoln grabbed her. "Whoa, Lo, settle down."

She spun in his arms and fixed him with a withering gaze. "They broke my vanity! It's ruined! Gone...all gone!"

"It was an accident," Lincoln said, "calm down. They'll buy you a new one."

"Y-Yeah!" Lana said. "A better one!"

"I knew that vanity wasn't long for this world," Lucy said. "I'll act as mortician."

Suddenly everyone was talking over each other. Lisa shook her head and scanned the paper coming out of the printer. "Can you please stop?" she asked, but no one listened. "Siblings! Please, stop!"

Still, no one listened.

"I said shut up, goddamn it!"

Everyone froze and looked at her. Luan and Luna were at the doorway now, both with worried looks.

Lisa took a deep, fuming breath. "I don't know what happened nor do I care. I am in the middle of something important, and I would appreciate it if all of you left my room posthaste."

She glanced down at the paper, and something caught her eye. "Hm...that's not right."

Everyone looked at each other. "Should we start running?" Lola asked. Usually when Lisa said something 'wasn't right,' an explosion was imminent. Instead of replying, Lisa adjusted her glasses and held the paper closer, her brow furrowing.

"What's wrong?" Luan asked.

Lisa ignored her. "Hm..."

"What?" Lynn asked. She and Lana were still hugging each other. When they realized this, they pulled apart.

"Lincoln's DNA is different," Lisa said absently, not even aware that she was speaking. "It doesn't match any of ours." She froze when she realized the gravity of what she was saying.

Luna and Luan exchanged a nervous glance. It totally slipped their minds the way it had with Lori.

"W-What are you saying?" Lincoln asked, his arms dropping and his face turning pale.

For the first time in her life, Lisa didn't know what to say. She glanced down at the paper, and it was clear as the nose on the end of her face: Lincoln's DNA did not match any of their siblings.

"You're not related to us."

Everyone looked at Lincoln. His face was the color of milk now and his knees were shaking. "No, that's not right..."

"Hey, bro," Luna said and came forward, her eyes filled with worry. She laid her hand on his shoulder, but he didn't seem to notice. "Look..."

Luan gasped as Lori shoved her aside and stumbled into the room, her face red and her breathing short. One glance around the room told her that she was too late, and her heart dropped.

"He knows," Luan said.

Lori put her hand to her forehead; it was trembling. "Oh, God..."

"I-I'm sorry," Lisa said, stricken, "I-I-I didn't know, I –"

Lori snapped. "You and you're stupid goddamn experiments!" She slammed her open palm against the doorframe.

Luna squeezed Lincoln's shoulder. "Look, man, it's..." she didn't know what to say either; she never expected this to come out.

"I'm adopted?" he asked, his voice shaky.

Luna threw her arms around his shoulders and hugged him. "You're our brother," she said, "that's what you are."

No one else spoke as Lincoln began to sob.

Author's Note: I'll keep this short: I've always believed that stories where Lincoln is adopted are a tad cliché, but I decided to try my hand at one, and I'm pretty happy with the results. As far as I'm concerned, it might be my best story yet. I hope you enjoy.