We enter the scene on a balcony (read: a dusty training hall that had the been cleaned up yet today because of a certain pair of performers), with our lead Romeo (Shampoo) crouched in the corner with the back of her hand pressed to her forehead.

"He jests at scars that never felt a wound," Shampoo read aloud from her transcript. "Must have been a sharp sword."

"Better a sharp sword than your maces," Ranma quipped.

Oh yes, Ranma was here as well, lying on the floor out of the way and watching this nonsense play out. He could never get into this kind of malarkey. Acting out lines written by some guy on the other side of the planet hundreds of years ago. What was even the point?

Then Akane entered wearing a dress that she filled out very nicely. You could hardly tell that she was a tomboy in that kind of getup, heck that dress actually made it look like she had a chest and that her thighs were half as thick as they actually were. Pretty good tailoring if nothing else.

"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?" Shampoo crooned, holding her book in one hand while the other gestured out dramatically towards Akane. As for Akane, she was practically swooning in the doorway into the training hall. "It is the east and Juliet is the sun!"

"Yeah, she's about big enough to be the sun," Ranma quipped. And got a book thrown at him in the process.

Shampoo retrieved her book and continued on. "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, Who is already sick and pale with grief."

"Must've eaten some of Akane's cooking."

"That thou her maid art far more fair than she. Be not her maid, since she is envious; Her vestal livery is but sick and green."

"Yep, definitely eaten some of her cooking."

"Ranma!" Akane yelled. "Do you mind not riffing Shakespeare?! We're trying to rehearse, here!"

"What's riffing?" Ranma asked.

"Oh my god, Master has not seen Mystery Science Theatre," Shampoo mumbled to herself. "Must rectify, must make him watch."

"Make him watch Manos," Akane sniffed. "He needs to suffer."

"Alright, alright!" Ranma put his hands up, a last desperate act to keep the girls from tearing his head off and spitting down his neck. "I'll be quiet. You girls continue rehearsing."

The two of them seemed pacified by that. They returned to where they were, with Akane crossing her arms and putting her hands on her shoulders while Shampoo got on her knees and stretched out her hands as if reaching out towards Akane, desperate to touch her but at the same time seeming like she might burn herself if she did...

"I forgot my last line," Shampoo said.

Akane nearly dropped her own script. "Aren't you the expert here?"

"I don't have the play memorized Lady Akane."

The two temporary actresses continued the play for a bit, once they got their lines down from the script. Though there were still a few stumbles, especially on Akane's end. Ranma watched, quietly, and it looked like they were nearing the end of the scene.

"Well, do not swear: although I joy in thee," Akane said, standing over Shampoo a fair big closer than they'd started. "I have no joy of this contract to-night:It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden; Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be ere one can say 'It lightens.'"

Imagine that a camera shifted to soft focus as the two of them continued their performance. Romeo and Juliet, extolling their attraction for one another in lines read countless times across the globe. Their breath brushing against their lips, their faces drifting ever closer…

"What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?" Akane asked, the breath from her mouth tickling Shampoo's lips.

"The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine," Shampoo answered.

Both girls closed their eyes and leaned in, lost in the moment, lost in their characters, lost in the youthful mutual lust that is a major cause of the central tragedy of the play...

Crunch.

The mood was ruined. Both of them slowly, slowly turned to look over to the side of the room where Ranma was sitting on his haunches. There was a very large bag of cookies in one hand. There were crumbs covering the other.

"What?" he asked. "I didn't say anything!"

"Master. There is something called 'The Mood.'" Shampoo said.

Akane was much more direct. She grabbed him by the pigtail. "I think we need some alone time to practice Ranma dear." Akane had taken to calling Ranma "dear" when she was annoyed with him. "So how about you go bother someone else." With ease she tossed him out of the dojo.

"Fiiinnnneee." Ranma's voice faded into the distance.

Akane dusted off her hands, suddenly looking a whole lot less ladylike than a moment ago. She couldn't help but smile about putting that boy in his place. "Where were we?" Akane asked, then remembered herself and adjusted her posture. "Oh, please forgive me, I -"

And then her brain went to its off mode. In the few seconds she'd been turned around, Shampoo had somehow managed to take off every item of clothing she was wearing and tied them together into a makeshift blanket upon which she was now reclining. Resting her head on her hand, while the other hand trailed down the side of her body, its index finger tracing a large circle around her hip.

"Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?" Shampoo asked. In much the same way that a porn star might suggest that they didn't have enough money for that pizza delivery.

It slowly dawned on Akane that none of this was entirely out of character and was more or less how Romeo and Juliet's flirting actually went. So she stepped forward while fiddling with the ties on the back of her dress.

"But to be frank, and give it thee again," Akane said. The dress slid down her body. "And again, and again, and again."

As Ranma flew through the air he had this vague impression that he was missing out on something really good. By the time he landed (on his feet, even the Russian judge would give a ten) he wondered if maybe he should have kept quiet so he could join in on that good thing.

"Nah, that play was super boring," Ranma yawned. "Even when it looked like they were about to make out, I could barely keep my eyes open. And who talks like that anyway?"

"16th century performers in England," said a voice behind him that he didn't recognize. "Iambic pentameter was a common style for playwrights at the time. Some idiots think Shakespeare popularized it but he was very far from the first to use it. Other idiots think he didn't write the plays at all because they are the only examples of his writing - only proving that they know jack shit about history in making such claims."

Huh? Ranma didn't really have the time to process that before something swung for his head, making him duck and roll out of the way.

"Of course, that's a strawman of their position, it's a bit more nuanced than that," the stranger said, throwing several really sharp looking knives right at Ranma. No problem for him, he was able to grab a plank of wood and catch them out of the air. "Although - interestingly - there is a subsection of anti-Stratfordians that detests democracy so much that they sincerely hope their conspiracy theory pans out so that they can play the Tudor family back in control over Britain."

"None of what you're saying makes any sense at all," Ranma said.

"Welcome to anti-Stratfordian thinking, people who may actually be as foolish as flat-earthers. Less well known, but no less divorced from reality," the stranger said. "Much like I'm about to divorce you from Shampoo, and also your head from your neck."

Hold on a second... No way! It couldn't be! This masked guy, he must be...

"You're a really big Shakespeare dork!" Ranma yelled. "I knew these plays made people weirdos. Maybe that's why Shampoo likes acting like a sla-"

Huh. That's weird. For a second there it felt like a battle aura just blotted out the sun, but he honestly couldn't imagine anyone getting so thoroughly furious that they'd be able to do that. Must've been a really big cloud.

Or... A really big plastic duck being dropped on him from a great height.

"... I really should've kept my big mouth shut," Ranma said.

Deep within the darkest bowels of Furinkan High there was the lair of it's most devoted club. A group of people with varied goals, united for a dark purpose.

Also, there were still a dozen or so cats. Turns out you can't get rid of cats that easily. Right now there was just one person in there, the Vice President of the Anti-Male Ranma club.

"Kyoko!" Then the door to the club room was slammed open. Startling a couple cats. "What the heck are you doing!?"

"A-alice?" Gosunkuigi said, showing how unnoticeable he was. Even the narrator didn't see him until he spoke up. "What's wrong?"

Alice slammed her hand down on the desk. "I'll tell you what's wrong President! This girl is trying to ruin the greatest performance of Romeo and Juilet ever made!"

Gosunkugi paused, "And where did you get that shirt?"

Alice was wearing a T-shirt with a chibi Shampoo and Akane on it. Clearly drawn by her. "It's the prototype for a line of club merchandise, but for some reason Kyoko won't approve it!"

Koyko jumped up into Alice's face. Again they were mere inches from each other. "That's because there's no way I would allow such bias to be used as a label for the club!"

Oh right Gosunkugi remembered that there had been some kind of debate about this earlier. It seemed kind of pointless. None of the other clubs had merchandising.

"But this isn't about your poor tastes in mascots." Alice said, "This is about you invoking the Non-Interference Clause to force some guy to go into the play as Paris!"

"If you can use that spineless clown to advance your goals I don't see why I can't?" Kyoko said, "Did you not recognize him Rosario? It's Mu-Mu!"

"Mu-m...you mean Mousse?" Alice said.

"He's officially Mu-Mu on the roster so legally you have to call him that when discussing club business." Kyoko said.

"Ok, but how does him joining the play help the club's goals?"

Kyoko laughed, a hand held over her mouth. "Oh Alice, haven't you seen Romeo and Juilet? Paris and Romeo fight."

"...so?"

"So, accidents happen. 'Paris' can accidentally knock out 'Romeo' during the opening performance." Kyoko said.

Alice blinked, "Uh, how does that help anything and not just ruin the play."

It was at this point the door was opened again, and in walked Mousse. He was in the Paris outfit still, though the mask was off his face. "Damn that Ranma Saotome, using that female Ranma as a body double!"

"What happened?" Gosunkugi asked.

"I swear I'll defeat him and free Shampoo once and for all!" Mousse continued.

"So what happened?" Kyoko asked.

"I was fighting him, when a truck drove between us on the road." Mousse explained, "When the truck passed there was the female Ranma, having been hit with a puddle in the process. I tried to stun her, but she just ran away."

As in, he ended up hitting a stop sign. They were both red blurs after all.

"Anyways, since Mr. Mu Mu is here he can explain why he needs to defeat Shampoo." Kyoko said.

"Ah, you see. It's about this old and outdated law from our village." Mousse said, "Ranma Saotome defeated Shampoo in a fight. So she feels she is honor bound to stick with him. If I defeat her and everyone who holds the debt, then I can free her. But I can't just challenge Shampoo at will. There are rules."

"But this is a loophole, Mu Mu told me that accidental defeats count. So if, during a fight scene in a play, he knocks her out then bam Shampoo will no longer be bound to Akane… and then she and the pigtailed girl can… can…" Drool dropped out of the corner of her mouth.

"But that will… arghh!" Alice threw her hands up. She was stuck! She couldn't interfere with Kyoko and Mousse's plot! All she could hope for was that Shampoo didn't get knocked out! "But what will happen to the play?"

"There's an understudy to take Romeo's role, right?"

"Upperclassman Kuno's the only other guy who's signed up! You want him kissing Akane Kyoko?"

Kyoko turned even paler than usual. Her skin color now matching that of Gosunkugi's, that is to say zombie like. "N-no. Alice! You need to find someone else who can understudy for Shampoo!"

Gosunkugi raised his hand. They all ignored him.

"I have an idea. There's one person I can trust to not screw this up if your plan ruins everything Kyoko." Alice said, "The only problem is that we're sworn enemies." She tapped her shoe. "I'll owe her a debt, and I don't know what terrible price she'll extract from me later."

"So like me and you." Kyoko said, one hand brushing Alice's shoulder.

"Yes! Exactly. Just wait Kyoko. Your plan will fail!" Alice said, "Which means I don't need to get an understudy!"

"But shouldn't you just in case?" Gosunkugi said.

"But shouldn't you just in case?" Mousse said a moment after Gosunkugi.

"Yeah good point Mousse." Alice said, "I should get ready. And who knows, maybe this will convince her to collab with me next Comiket!"

"Oh good lord is this another otaku weirdo." Kyoko said with a groaned.

Akane looked up from her script to see Ranma, female and smelling like a dirty puddle, walking into her bedroom.

"Who got you wet?" Akane asked, and a moment later realized that line could be taken in a different way. Luckily, Ranma was pretty bad at picking up double entendres and simply began taking off her shirt. Which was itself a blessing. To think Akane used to get mad at her lack of modesty.

"A truck. I was attacked by a guy who seemed really mad about Shakespeare." Ranma said, "But once I got hit by water he knocked down a stop sign and ran away."

"Ah." Akane said, before looking back at her script. "Well, I hope you win the rematch."

Ranma looked over her shoulder, "So where's the bank robbing scene?"

Akane stopped reading, closed the script, and looked up at her fiance. "The what?"

"You know, the bank robbing scene? Aren't Romeo and Juliet also partners in crime?" Ranma said. "The play takes place in the American West, right?"

"Where did you get that idea?"

"Well when you told me I was wrong about them being father and daughter I figured I'd ask Hiroshi. He said they were this pair of wild west outlaw lovers." Ranma looked annoyed.

Akane considered the possibility that Hiroshi was deliberately messing with Ranma. If so then she would deal with that later. There was the possibility that this was proxy revenge for what Sayrui did to Daisuke. But it would also have just been him having a laugh. "No. There aren't any robbery scenes. And it takes place in Europe a couple hundred years ago."

Ranma groaned, "Man, this play is boring! Anything interesting happen?"

"It's a romantic tragedy." Akane said, "Isn't that interesting?"

"What's interesting about everybody dying?" Ranma said.

"The point is to feel bad about what the couple went though." Akane said.

"If I wanted to feel bad about a couple I'd ask Nabiki about her dates." Ranma muttered. "So what? It's just all "I love you" and then they die?"

"Well, I mean there is some fighting. One big one before everything goes wrong is Paris and Romeo. Oh, Paris was Juilet's fiance but Juliet fell in love with Romeo so they fight over her and Paris dies. It's all tragic."

"... is that why Kuno wants to play Romeo?" Ranma said with growing horror. "I'm engaged to you and he totally thinks you're in love with him."

Akane turned green over that though. "No. He doesn't know anything about the play beyond the main characters being lovers. He just wanted to perv on me. I don't think he caught any dumb paralels." She patted Ranma on the cheek. She was still shirtless, which was amazing. "Also, I like you. Not him." She leaned up and kissed the spot she had patted just a moment ago.

Ranma's face reddened, "I-I mean I didn't ask you to like me or anything! How about you stop trying to seduce me and focus on the play!"

Akane grinned. It was a very Shampoo like grin, "I think a bit of romantic comedy might help me prepare for the romantic tragedy." She tackled Ranma. Who was much smaller than Akane right now. She leaned down to kiss her fiance again.

Then the door opened. "Akane, we're having take-out tonight what do you want?" Kasumi said.

Akane and Ranma both stared at her.

"Well?" Kasumi said, like nothing was happening.

"...I wouldn't mind some meat buns." Akane said, her face now purple.

"Same." Ranma muttered.

"Wonderful." Kasumi said, "Have fun." She shut the door.

Ranma, seeing that they were alone again, reached out a hand onto Akane's rear.

Akane sighed and knocked away the hand, "Sorry. Mood is ruined. I'm going back to the play."