Chapter 9

Dean was quiet on the ride home, though I was relieved that he didn't stiffen or pull away when I helped him to the car and then into the house and up the stairs. In our room, the only remaining evidence of the attack was the splintered doorframe and a damp spot on the floor. The bed was newly made, and the windows were open to lessen the smell of bleach.

I looked at my brother. "Are you going to be alright being in here, or should I make up a bed in one of the other rooms?"

He wrinkled his nose at the faint chlorine-like odor but shook his head. "Nah, I should be okay. We've had a lotta good memories in this room, and I ain't gonna let one shitty night ruin that." He shakily walked to the bed and sat down.

After I got him settled in, I picked up my pillow. Before I could move away, he seized my wrist and demanded, "Where the hell are you going?"

"I was going downstairs to sleep on the couch or maybe set up the air mattress. I—I thought you wouldn't want anyone that close to you right now," I hastily explained as his brows drew together.

He snorted. "Stop thinking and c'mere." He tugged on my arm until I stripped down to my t-shirt and boxers and crawled in beside him.

Once I was lying down, Dean continued. "You don't hafta pull that self-sacrificing crap with me. And before you say it, no, I ain't trying to repress anything. I know I ain't gonna be fine after this, that I'm gonna be twitchy and have bad dreams and all that sorta shit for a while. But the hell if I'm gonna let this fucking thing hurt us! So as long as you still wanna be here, I want you beside me."

"I'm not going anywhere, Dee," I said without hesitation.

"Okay, good." He curled up against my side. "I know we both really wanna crash right now, but there're a coupla things we need to clear up first.

"First off, I don't want you to be blaming yourself for what happened tonight. I know you—you've already come up with fifteen different reasons why you think this is all your damn fault. You need to stop that shit right now! You ain't responsible for what went wrong. In fact, things woulda been a whole hell of a lot worse if not for you."

"But it was my fault!" I argued. "If I'd made him leave like I was fucking supposed to, or if I'd told you who he was, or if I hadn't left you alone, none of this would've happened! And then when I saw what he was doing to you, I froze! If you hadn't made him drop the knife, I don't know how bad it would've gotten!"

"Stop it, baby boy! There's no way you coulda known what was gonna happen. We're used to giving other hunters the benefit of the doubt, and we forget that humans can be fucking monsters too. Besides, are you gonna accuse Bobby of letting that fuckwad come over while we were here, or Jody of not checking on us sooner? Well, you're no more responsible than they are!"

"Of course I don't hold Bobby or Jody responsible! They weren't here, and I was! I knew something was off about that guy, but I was too focused on being nice. And because of that, you got hurt! I almost lost you!" I shouted.

"Calm down, Sam! I'm still here. Maybe you made a mistake, but you didn't know. You ain't—"

"It's not that easy!" I paused as something occurred to me. "Dean? You didn't include yourself among the people who aren't to blame for this."

Dean hunched in on himself. "That—that's different! I shoulda listened to you and taken the damn cuffs off when you told me that he was staying. But no, I decided to leave 'em on and rub another one out first with the goddamn butt plug instead like a fucking dumbass. He heard me moaning, and—and that's when he came in. And then I shoulda been able to fight him off, not let myself get taken down like some weak bitch. And then he was holding me down, and—and he was saying—"

"Oh, Dee . . ." I wrapped my arms around him, hoping he'd accept the embrace. "This was not your fault! The damn hormones from your heat were probably clouding your judgement and slowing your reflexes. And yet you still managed to get partway free and fought back—I saw the marks on him! And nothing he said about you was true!"

"But it was, Sammy." His green eyes were wet as he looked up at me. "I was a whore—I did sell myself for money, and to more guys than I can remember, not just him. An—and before you, I was a fucking slut, giving it out to anyone with a hot cock or pussy. This wasn't the first time someone tried to force me, though no one else got so close. So there's gotta be something—the way I look, or how I tease and lead 'em on, or—or something else that makes people think—"

"God, no!" I interrupted. "There is nothing you did to deserve to get attacked! You sold yourself when you were a teen because you had to in order to support the two of us. And despite how I might've ragged on you before, how many people you slept with in the past doesn't matter either. You don't think that a girl deserves to be assaulted because of how she looks or what she's wearing or even if she's being promiscuous, right? Well, the same damn thing applies to you!

"The only person who should be held accountable for tonight is the fucker who attacked you! You didn't do anything to instigate this—I think he planned to go after you the moment he knew you were here. He had a history of violence and sex crimes—Jody told me there were open warrants out on him for all sorts of shit like that. He was a pervert and a rapist, and this is all on him, not you!"

"I can get what you're saying up here, man," Dean said, tapping the side of his head. "But the rest of me feels worthless and—and dirty and w—weak, and that shit ain't gonna just fucking go away! I dunno how to stop that . . ."

"Then listen to me! You're not any of those things! You're my family, the love of my life, and my partner in every way. Not to mention the best hunter I know and a truly good man. You fought Barnes off with a Crocodile Dundee-sized silver pigsticker in your shoulder, and you were totally badass when you held the gun on him. You're the Righteous Man, and nothing that asswipe or anyone else can do will take that away. The only person who's dirty and disgusting is Barnes, and he's getting what he deserves right now in Hell."

My brother flinched at the last word, and his complexion grew even paler. His eyes turned dark and horror-stricken, and I realized that look had been showing up more and more frequently since he woke up at the surgical center.

"Dee? What's wrong? Oh, God . . . Were you—were you . . . Did they rape you in Hell?" I felt sick.

He nodded and trembled. "Over and over and over . . . Usually several demons at a time . . . Sometimes they'd be ripping into me with the knives at the same time they were—were . . ." His breathing stuttered as tears began streaking his face.

"Oh my fucking God! Dean, baby . . ." I pulled him against me and pressed my lips into his hair. "You never mentioned this before when you told me about your time . . . there."

"'Cause I buried those fucking memories as far down as I could when I got out and then threw myself into as much booze and sex as possible to make sure I forgot! But after wh—what happened tonight, they're coming back, an—and I—I can't push 'em down again . . ." His shoulders shook as he sobbed into my chest.

I rocked him and rubbed his back, feeling helpless. The only other time I'd ever seen my big brother anywhere near this upset was the night I discovered he was a shapeshifter, when he nearly ate a silver bullet because he thought I wanted nothing more to do with him. I couldn't afford to let things get that bad again.

"It's okay, just let it all out. I'm so, so sorry for all the godawful things that happened to you." I tilted his head up to look into his reddened eyes. "But you're not alone in this anymore. I'm never going to leave you, no matter how bad it gets. I love you, and nothing is going to change that. You were strong enough to survive everything Hell threw at you, and I know you're strong enough now to survive this. And if you can't believe in yourself, then trust me instead, and trust that we'll get through this together."

"I'll—I'll try, Sammy. But n—no promises . . ." He buried his tear-streaked face back in my shoulder.

"I know, Dee. This is going to take time." I stroked his hair soothingly. "But I'll be there with you every step of the way. You can come to me whenever you need to talk or cry or scream or whatever. And tell me if something I'm doing isn't helping or is making you feel worse. I won't be upset, no matter what. Like right now—are you sure you're alright with me holding you?"

My brother lifted his head. "Ye—yeah, this is good. It didn't feel right when the doc was touching me earlier, even though I knew she wasn't doing anything bad. But it's different with you. I still want you to touch me, hug me, kiss me. I dunno if I'll be up for more than that anytime soon, but you holding me like this makes me feel better."

"I'm glad. We can take things as slow as you need. But you've got to tell me if I do anything you don't like." I kissed him gently and waited for the last of his tears to subside. "What's the other thing you want to discuss?"

"Uh, yeah." He wiped his face with a corner of the sheet and took a deep, calming breath. "It's 'bout what you did to Barnes. I ain't mad at you or anything. We all were pumped with adrenaline, and you had to make a split-second decision. But that shit can't happen again. I don't care how evil the sonofabitch is, killing humans is a line we can't goddamn cross.

"Our jobs, our lives, are supposed to be 'bout helping people, saving people. We can't turn into the Punisher and start killing 'em, no matter how justified we might think it is. I mean, we don't even kill other monsters if they ain't hurt nobody. If we start killing humans, even if they deserve it, how're we different from the things we hunt?"

I stiffened and dropped my arms. "Aren't you being rather hypocritical? What about what you did to Walt and Roy?"

"Dude, I didn't kill those dumbasses! How would they spread the word not to mess with us if they're fucking dead? Like you said, I put the fear of God in 'em, but they walked away. Well, crawled away—the rules are somewhat fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps." He paused, and his face brightened. "Hey, do you realize that you sent that sonofabitch to the very special level of Hell?"

I frowned down at him. "Really, Dean?"

"What, it's true!" His expression grew serious again. "Listen, it's one thing if you had no other choice, if your only option was to kill him to save one of us. But despite what Jody thinks, we both know this wasn't self-defense. He didn't have a weapon in his hands, and you had him under control. You coulda disabled him or used his own damn cuffs on him, and then let the fucking justice system show what happens to scumbags like him."

"What if he'd talked?"

"You mean 'bout me? If he talked to the cops, they'd just think he's looney tunes. If he did somehow manage to tell other hunters, so what?" Dean shrugged. "It'd be his word against ours. Once this heat shit is over and I'm back in control of myself, he'd have no fucking proof. Same thing goes if he tried to talk 'bout us.

"Listen, I ain't saying all this just to bust your stones. It's for your safety too, baby boy. We already got too many dudes after our damn asses, some of 'em other hunters. We don't need to give people even more fucking reasons to want us dead."

"I still don't regret killing him. He hurt you, and whenever he got out of prison—assuming he even got convicted in the first place—he could've kept trying to hurt you or hurt someone else. I've lost you too many times before, and I'm not going to stand by anymore and let it happen again. If it puts me more at risk, that's a price I'm willing to pay to keep you safe. I meant what I said before—I'll do anything for you!" I stated.

"Sam, I know you mean well, but I don't want you to do this kinda shit for me, man!" he insisted. "We're hunters—being in danger is part of the fucking job description. I certainly ain't worth killing other people over! You gotta promise to dial this back."

"I don't agree that you're not worth killing over, big brother. But for your sake, I promise to be more careful." I kissed him again.

Dean didn't look convinced, but he didn't need an argument right now. I noticed him grimacing as he tried to get comfortable, so I asked, "How are you feeling? Do you need something for the pain?"

"Wouldn't say no. The small shit is starting to heal up, but my shoulder's hurting like a bitch. Think the stuff the doc gave me earlier is wearing off."

"Okay. You shouldn't take anything on an empty stomach, so wait here."

I padded downstairs and returned with a banana and glass of apple juice. Dean made a face at the fruit but ate it without protest before swallowing the pills I gave him with half of the juice. I threw the banana skin in the bathroom trash can and quickly checked the dressings on his wounds.

He rested his head on my shoulder after I slid back into bed. "Thanks, Sammy. Though now I gotta wait for this stuff to kick in 'fore I can fall asleep."

"It's okay. I can stay up a little longer until you do." I curled an arm around his waist. "So . . . I was right earlier, wasn't I? Dad found out what Barnes had done to you when he got back all those years ago."

He looked startled at the sudden shift in topic. "What? Oh, yeah. I dunno what tipped him off back then, though the motel manager might've noticed something. Think she saw the bastard coming outta our room before you got back from school too many times and maybe told Dad.

"Anyways, Dad came to talk to me right after Barnes took off. He wanted to know what was going on. I was fucking terrified, and I didn't wanna tell him the truth. But he still had the asshole's blood on his fists, and I could tell he'd know if I tried to lie. So I laid it all out for him.

"How the money he left us hadn't been enough, not with how long he'd been gone—how he never fucking gave us enough. How I tried to make it stretch longer by only eating once a day and then not at all, so there'd always be something for you. How I had to find a way to get us enough to survive when it ran out, but I couldn't leave you alone long enough to work and was too damn young to get into pool or card games without him. How I couldn't risk getting caught stealing again and leaving you by yourself, especially not when I'd just gotten back after being sent away for two months.

"How all I had left was to sell myself to support my little brother, 'cause he wasn't fucking there to do it. How I'd had to do that too many damn times over the years 'cause he kept leaving us, leaving me, in the same shit. And how when his hunting buddy, his fucking friend, found out what was going on, he didn't try to stop me or help us. How he used me over and over during that week just like all the other goddamn johns.

"By the time I was done, I was in fucking tears. And convinced that he was gonna beat the shit outta me, 'cause he'd always made his opinion of 'faggots' pretty damn clear. Do you know what he did then? He cried. He hugged me and apologized for putting me through that, and he promised it would never happen again. And he kept his word—he made sure to give us enough or come back in time after that." He took a hitched breath.

I put my arms around my brother again. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that when we were kids, and I hate that Dad put you in that position. I didn't know at the time what was going on, and it took me years to figure what you'd done for me back then. Wish I'd shown you sooner how much it meant to me, that you gave so much up for me."

"Woulda done all that and more to have kept you safe and healthy, baby brother. Would do it for you now if I had to." He put his hand against the side of my face.

"I don't want you to ever have to again, Dee. Never want you to hurt yourself for me." His eyes fluttered closed as I kissed him deeply, and he brought his other hand up to cradle my face as he returned my kiss.

I was laying my head back on the pillow when something Dean said struck me. "Wait, you got sent away for stealing? I remember you being gone for a couple of months that year. Dad said you got lost on a hunt. He left me at Bobby's place while he went to go look for you, and I was frantic with worry until you came back."

"Oh, that? Nah, I got busted trying to use the five-finger-discount at the local market to grab some PB and bread. They sent me to this boys' home—it was a farm run by this dude named Sonny."

"And it took Dad two months to find you there?"

"Hell no, he knew right away! Told the police to lemme rot in jail 'cause he thought I lost the money he'd left us in a card game or something. I didn't wanna tell him that the money hadn't been enough again, and that what was left got stolen by a john who beat me up. Told Sonny the bruises were from a werewolf hunt."

I was shocked. I'd never had a high opinion of Dad's parenting skills, but this . . . "And the bastard just left you there?"

"Yeah, ain't that a bitch? He thought I needed to be taught a lesson in responsibility or some crap. Don't look like that, man! It wasn't that bad. Sonny turned out to be pretty cool, and he looked out for me. I did real well at the school there, made the wrestling team, even got a girlfriend for the first time. Sonny made me his foreman on the farm, and he offered to try to convince Dad to lemme stay when the old man finally came to get me."

"Why didn't you stay then?"

"Couldn't leave you, of course! Though . . . being there was the first time I think I realized there could be more than just hunting. I remember talking to Robin, my girl there, about being a mechanic. One of the things I did on the farm was help maintain the machinery. And you know how much I like taking care of Baby."

"No one ever thinks about how you might've wanted something else out of life, do they? Me included. Knowing this now though—why didn't you come with me to Stanford when I asked? You could've easily gone to school for mechanical engineering. You've always been so good with machines—you're the one that builds and takes care of our EMF meters and other gadgets."

"You honestly think Stanford woulda taken a drop-out loser like me?" he scoffed. "I did wanna come with you, Sammy. But Dad still needed me. Or at least I thought he did, 'til he eventually left me behind to hunt down the demon by himself. By then you and me'd had that big fight, so I wasn't gonna force myself on you."

"Oh Dee . . ." I hugged him tightly. "I can't imagine how shitty you must've felt when he abandoned you at the boys' home and then again later when I was at college. Not to mention that this was after I'd already walked out on you!

"And don't talk about yourself like that! You only dropped out because Dad made you, because he convinced you that school was a waste of time for a hunter. You always did well when you tried, at least when you weren't too busy taking care of us and helping Dad to actually have time for schoolwork. Even if you couldn't get into Stanford, there were a ton of other colleges in the area."

"That's all in the past, Sam. I told you before, I know you're not gonna leave me again, and that's what matters now. And think what you want 'bout Dad's choices, but I still got a much better life outta the deal than any other shifter." Dean's eyelids started to droop.

"Percocet finally kicking in?" I asked.

"Yeah—think I can get some sleep now. Tomorrow I might do a full shift to heal up, but I'm too beat to try at the moment. I really hope this heat crap is on its way out soon though. Right now, between how sore my entire fucking body is and how loopy the meds are making me, I couldn't get it up if my fucking life depended on it. But I dunno what I'm gonna do later if the damn hormones take over again."

"We'll figure something out," I assured him. "We've got the toys, and I'll do as much or as little as you're comfortable with. Bobby will be home soon too, and maybe he'll have an idea how to get your heat under control."

"Thanks, Sammy. I—I want you to know this ain't 'bout you—it ain't that I'm afraid of you or don't trust you or anything. It just feels like—like what happened tonight and—and back in Hell left me covered in—in shit or something, and it'll contaminate you too if—if you touch me like that. I'd spend forever in the fucking shower scrubbing my damn skin off if I had the energy, but it won't help. An—and I know you're not going anywhere, I really do, but there's still this little voice trying to tell me that you deserve better than—"

"Shh, shh. Stop that, Dee." I picked up his hands and pressed a kiss onto first the knuckles and then the palms of each one. "You know that's not true, right? You're not filthy or disgusting or any of the things that douche-nozzle said. You're beautiful and strong and brave and awesome, and that cocksucker or even all the demons in Hell can't ever sully you.

"And don't worry about me. I'll wait for you as long as it takes, even if it's weeks or months or longer. I told you before that I would do anything for you, and that applies here too. Whatever you need to recover, I'll be here for. It's you and me together, big brother, and nothing is going to change that."