Toby POV

It's like we are in the middle of an intense gazing match, waiting for the other one to cave in first and finally close the small gap between us. Spencer is by far the most competitive person I know, so there's no shadow of a doubt that she's persistent to win.

Her hot breath is fanning my face and it doesn't help that she's automatically biting her lip either. Without even thinking twice if it is wise to do so, I surrender because I just can't stand the tension anymore.

My blue eyes travel from her breathtakingly hypnotizing coffee irises to her soft pink lips and back again. My heart is beating frantically in my chest as I slowly cup her cheek ever so softly, afraid that she'll vanish any second if I make just one rash movement.

It's like I've been in the desert for years and she is my only source of water after all this time. She unconsciously wets her lips with her tongue and I just have to brush my lips on her sensual, luscious ones before I go nuts.

Now.

However as I approach her further in order to do so, it's like she snaps out of a daze. She clears her throat and turns her head away.

Just like that, the fata morgana is gone and I'm left high and dry again.

Slightly disappointed, I scratch my neck awkwardly and look away too. I'm quite embarrassed by the small blush that's undoubtedly rising on my cheeks.

The rejection I feel in this moment is a sentiment I wish I never had to endure again. At least not romantically with her of all people.

"We can't –"

"I'm sorry-"

We both start talking at the same time and chuckle at our synchronicity. I motion for her to go first.

"I don't think this is such a good idea right now. You are vulnerable and confused. I doubt that this is what you want or currently need. I'm not going to take advantage of you. I'm not Alex...", she trails off.

"I'm sorry, Spence. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. Of course, I know you are not her. And I get where you are coming from. But it's not like that, at least not for me. I realize it's complicated and everything is a mess. However, if there is one thing I'm certain of, it's my feelings for you and that I need you in my life."

I take her small hand in mine to bring my message across. It's definitely not the ideal moment. But I just want to be honest, because I don't want to lose her ever again.

At first she gives me a puzzled look but then understanding and some other emotion I can't quite grasp flashes through her eyes and she slowly, yet surely withdraws her hand.

It's like what she's about to say is something she tried to avoid as long as possible. She almost seems helpless and scared to go through with it.

"That's exactly the point. How can you be so confident about that one?

I'm really, really sorry, Toby. I don't want to sound rude or blunt and I don't want to hurt you with the poisonous thoughts that are going on in my mind right now. I really don't. That's why I better keep my mouth shut and leave it at that.

The only thing you need to know is that you are not alone. I will be there for you Toby. As a friend. That's all I can offer."

I involuntarily gulp and the crashing sound of breaking glass you can probably hear right now is my wounded heart shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.

Ouch.

Being friendzoned by just anybody isn't nice. However being friendzoned by the love of your life is something I don't wish on my worst enemy. Not even Alex.

As for the archenemy Jenna, if it wasn't for her and the help of Bashful, Spencer would probably be dead right now. I wasn't able to figure it out. And it was me, who left her in the first place. Not only once, but twice.

So what did I expect from her right now?

Right after everything that has happened, the emotional roller coaster she has been through not only in the last 48 hours but also since high school?

God damn it, I left her and married another woman. And even though it was unintentional, I slept with her sister twice! Of course she won't throw her arms around me and take me back in an instant.

Despite the dull pain in my aching chest, I won't give up. Not this time. If she needs time and space to heal, that's okay.

If she wants to be friends for the time being, I'm going to live with that.

I will wait for her and fight for her love this time.

"Well," I sigh deeply, "Even though it's hard for me, I respect that you just want to be friends. Regardless, I need you to know, that I'll wait for you and I'll be there whenever you change your mind."

She nods her head and gives me a half smile. "Okay."

"As for now, Miss Hastings, kindly enlighten me. What's going on in that pretty little head of yours? You know, you can be totally honest with me and I promise you I won't get mad. By the way, rest assured, I'll find out anyway, 'cause a certain someone's tenacity rubbed off on me."

Spencer frowns and a sigh escapes her lips. She's unsure if she is supposed to open up to me. It kind of hurts, but I can't expect the same candidness we shared once, can I?

I take her hand and squeeze it encouragingly. We seem to do that a lot. Holding hands. Still, this seems to do the trick. She takes a deep breath and shares not only her concealed thoughts but also bares a part of her soul to me.

"Look, it's complicated...

You claim to have feelings for me and to want me. Yet, you say that now, when most of the time you thought you spent with me, in a much more intimate way, was a lie. It was actually my twin sister.

And as hard as it is for me to say that, maybe in a paradox way it might be her you want. Not me. Psychologically it is a possibility. I read about cases like this.

Besides it's not the first time it happened to me that someone who liked me a lot fell in love with Alex, after getting to know her. Wren did, too.

And what if history repeats itself and she got pregnant like Mary did?

I can only imagine you strongly want to disagree on this one, but please, just think about it, okay?"

I silently nod my head.

Honestly, I don't know what to do with the words that just spilled out of her mouth. Of course I want to contradict her. At the same time she deserves that I'm one hundred percent sure. Can I guarantee that in my confused state of mind?

Never have I ever felt so much love for another person, as I did for Spencer. Not even for Yvonne. I can finally admit that now.

But is it still like that or am I merely in love with the idea of her and the lines are blurred with the recent experiences I shared with Alex? As much as they disgust me now, in the exact moment they didn't.

As for a possible pregnancy, I don't even want to think about that. We used protection everytime, but you never know.

Before I can go further down that route, she starts talking again.

"Another idea occupying my head is what happened right before you left for Maine and at the cabin with you and Alex.

And keep in mind, that I don't blame you at all, it's not my place to judge. I just can't help those thoughts.

You know when Alex kissed you, you could have reconsidered everything, but you didn't. You stayed true to yourself and left with the love of your life. And this wasn't the first time you deliberately chose Yvonne."

Yeah, I did and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made.

I'm not only guilty of leaving Spencer but of stringing Yvonne along, too. It's not that I didn't love her. But it was not enough and she had to pay it with her life. I hurt two important people and there is no excuse for that. I messed up big time and I can't ever go back.

Nevertheless, I want her to know that I'm sorry. As if reading my mind, she continues.

"It's okay, Toby. It's okay...

You know, I didn't look like it on the outside, because I needed to be strong. I wanted you to be happy after all the things I put you through. But admittedly it broke my heart. However it was your decision to make and you had every right to follow your dreams."

But you were my dream, I was just too stubborn to admit it to myself. And I thought you didn't want me anymore. That you found your happiness without me. Together with my best friend. And then with Furey. It's the reason why I left to move on.

"Not long after losing Yvonne, you slept with Alex who you believed to be me at that time. While it wasn't me it still feels like I was kind of a rebound."

Oh, Spence, if only you knew...

"And that's just not how it's supposed to be, you know. It's not how I imagined my future.

My whole life I found myself in situations where I wasn't first priority. My parents treated me differently than Melissa. Caleb and Marco left me because something else was more important. Like Hanna or the job. I don't blame them either. Its' just, that I'm sick and tired of being everyone's second choice. Not when I watch everyone else being happy with their loved ones, getting married and having kids.

I'm not a fool. Fairy tales don't exist. Obviously not for me.

And after being left in the dust so many times, I'd rather stay alone than ending up like that again. I don't know, where I went wrong, I just refuse to give up the last piece of dignitiy I have left. I deserve more."

You do. I don't deserve you either after what I've done.

I spy a small tear trickling down her face. And it shatters the tiny shards of my heart that were left to powdered dust.

Instead of turning into a sobbing mess like anyone else would probably do, she wipes away the tear and gets up. She's such a strong person it never ceases to amaze me.

"So, enough of all this for now. Are you still up for the riding lessons?"

Speechless, I watch her stretch out her hand in order to help me up. There are still some things left I'd like to say. Nonetheless, I leave it at that for the time being.

Because there is nothing I could tell her, that would change her mind about us right now. There is nothing I can do to turn back time and unmake all the mistakes and the pain I've undoubtedly caused her in the past.

With that I take her hand and get up to seal my fate as a friendzoned exlover. Again.

For now the only thing left to do is to show her that I'm there for her. And even if it is just as a friend, I make a promise to myself to show her every single day that she is loved. Because she deserves so much more than the shitty hand she was dealt with.