I have never hated my life more.

So here's the story. I was writing... And writing... And researching... And writing... And researching and then writing again.

And after six hours of that I finally had a chapter. 3,564 beautiful words forming a chapter. THREE THOUSAND WORDS. SIX HOURS.

I SPENT AN ENTIRE DAY DOING NOTHING BUT WRITING, RESEARCHING AND OCCASIONALLY EATING.

Then I was done and I save it and I back out into the document manager, and see that a glitch copied all my files. Okay, I'll just delete the copies.

Except when I deleted the copy it deleted the actual document too.

And it can't be recovered because it was a document.

I hate everything.

So I'll just do my best to recreate it here. If it's really bad, blame the glitch. It used to be good I swear.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Hey guys! So I just finally watched Thor and Thor the Dark World, and had to write a Loki is Gabriel fic because I can't not write a Loki is Gabriel fic.

In other news, my twentieth story! That I uploaded! On Fanfictiondotnet! That's a really specific achievement that I am nonetheless proud of.

This one is a little bit different from what I normally write, though actually I've done this before, but that can't be helped really with how many of these I write.

The comparison between human and Aesir aging in this fic is 1:75. So when Loki is 75 years old, he looks and acts like a human 1 year old. Thor is about 220 years older than Loki.

Loki: 794 years old (10.5 years old)

Thor: 1014 years old (13.4 years old)

The halls of the palace of Asgard were unusually silent and empty. Where there used to be loud and rambunctious fools stumbling around, it was strangely quiet.

Strange, mostly, to the lone child wandering the halls. Loki was accustomed to the quiet; he often sought it out, in fact, but seeing the palace like this, near devoid of life, was unusual to say the least.

This rare phenomenon had occurred due to the tournament between Realms that was fought every two centuries. Loki had never been to such a thing, as his mother Frigga had deemed him too young during the previous tournament, and this year he was on house arrest, and not accidentally either.

See, Loki did not get the point of staring at two grown men hacking at each other until one of them surrendered- which, knowing Aesir, would take hours and hours. His brother Thor, however, did. As did most of the palace, even the maids had gone to cheer on their husbands.

Thor always dragged him to every brawl, only to join in. He had declared loudly that he 'would show his brother the glory of battle' multiple times. And, well, if Thor asked him to come he could not simply refuse.

But this tournament was nothing to his tastes. So, to avoid Thor asking him to go, he simply went to his mother's quarters a few days before and asked for house arrest. She had gladly complied, still of the opinion both of her sons were too young to witness such bloodshed.

Thor, of course, had given Loki his kicked-wolfcub look when he'd heard. But there was no changing it- Loki would much rather spend his day buried in books and practicing his magic.

Which was what he had been doing up until a few hours ago. But even magic could get boring if studied monotonously, and Loki had been fascinated by it all his life.

This in itself was... Unusual, to say the least. Nobody liked a prince of Asgard devoted to a woman's art; not the All-father, not the warriors, and especially not Loki's peers. Thor told them off when the teasingly went too far, but too far was relative and Thor was still learning the line between jesting and straight insults.

This was how he'd become somewhat of a... reclusive, hiding in his studies and practicing so that when the time came, he could show them all how much better magic was in comparison with brawling and weaponry.

Now, however, he needed a break. A break that usually came in the form of bothering Thor, but with the castle empty...

Loki greeted a few guards patrolling the halls, and corrected his thoughts. Nearly empty, then. For a moment he considered bothering the guards, but decided against it. The unlucky fellows were stuck here already instead of at the tournament, no point torturing them even more.

Maybe he could spell Thor's supply of capes... No, he had done that already, no need to be too predictable. Perhaps he could-

Loki knew there was something off the instant before it happened.

He became aware of a faint ringing in his ears, his footsteps suddenly distant and overly loud at the same time, the hallway spinning.

The halt of the footsteps were his only indication that he'd stopped walking, his body was numb, but Loki barely noticed, too busy trying to stay upright.

This was wrong wrong wrong not supposed to happen. Loki could not think straight, his mind clouded.

That was when the pain started. It was everywhere and nowhere, spreading over his body like burning ashes.

Loki wasn't aware that he was screaming until there were heavy footsteps around the corner as the guards Loki had just passed came running. He couldn't see, he did not look, there was pain.

He knew nothing more.

When Loki woke, it was to morning light filtering through the window.

His Mother appeared in his somewhat blurry vision, a gentle smile easing her worried features, and Loki blinked a bit, trying to wake himself up.

"Mother?" He winced at his voice, which was slightly hoarse. Why was he in the healing wing?

He remembered wandering the palace, greeting the guards and then- pain, like smoldering ashes. He'd collapsed?

"Loki." Mother looked relieved at hearing his voice, and helped him sit up against the back of the bed he had been laying in. "Are you well?"

Loki did not answer the question, because he did not know if he could answer. Was he well?

"What happened?" He questioned instead, cursing himself when he saw worry seep back into his mother's features.

"The guards found you on the ground, in grave pain." She answered.

"Were there any wounds? Attackers found?" Loki suspected not, but he had to be certain.

His mother shook her head. "No. That is what worries me so."

Because no wounds meant there was another problem, one that was not as easily fixable.

"I am well, Mother. It must have simply been exhaustion." Loki lied easily, seeing his mother's face relax. "You know how tiring Thor can be."

"That I do," Frigga chuckled lightly.

Loki made to step out of the bed, ignoring his still tilted vision, and even though Mother looked like she was about to protest, she made no move to stop him.

"I was not the only one concerned." She said suddenly, quietly, stopping Loki in his tracks. Mother continued, a faint smile on her lips. "Thor has been fretting over you this whole time. He did not know what to do with himself."

Loki smiled, not a mischievous trickster smile, but a genuine one. "I will visit him before I continue my studies. Thank you, mother."

With this, they parted ways. Frigga couldn't help but track Loki walking down the hall, to convince herself that her son was still safe, and moving, and breathing.

Then he turned a corner and disappeared from her sight, and Frigga turned too, pushing away the feeling of wrongness.

Arriving at Thor's quarters, Loki hesitated for a moment before deciding there was no point in knocking- Thor never woke up at this early an hour, and would not wake from a knock, except if Loki fancied pounding on the door until he had splinters in his hands, which he really didn't.

Yet, when Loki opened the not-locked-anymore door, Thor's bed standing proudly in the middle of the room was empty. Ruffled, slept in, but empty.

Loki was about to check his brother's washing room- this time with a knock, of course, although he heard no water running- when he spotted a note lying on the bed. He came closer and identified Thor's messy scrawl.

Mother, father,

I am currently hunting deer in the east side woods with Fandral and Sif. I will be back before sundown.

Have a fine day!

Underneath the message was the older prince's signature, and some part of Loki remarked that Thor had been learning in those etiquette lessons after all, even while the rest of him was staring at the paper in disbelief.

Yes, Thor had clearly been fretting about his brother's health. Loki tossed the paper aside, trying to push away the feeling of bitterness.

It was not important. Without having Thor to deal with, Loki would have more time to study and fix whatever problem it was that had caused him to collapse.

Loki had no doubt the healer had tested for most possible illnesses, and it was not like he could do anything on that front. But, like his mother had taight him, only he could enter his own mind, study his own magic.

It was the reason Mother had only told him how to enter his mindscape, not what to do afterwards. Every mind was vastly different. Different layouts, methods, all based on that person's perception, imagination and a number of other factors.

In the safety of his room, Loki quietly slipped into his mindscape to search for the reason he'd collapsed.

For Loki, his mind was sectioned into orderly parts. Connected, yet not side by side. There was no way to accurately describe it, but the closest would be levels on different heights, yet connected by the same wall.

There was a soft, tranquil part, giving off a vague golden... not glow, exactly, but that was the closest Loki could get to describing the feeling. It was where his memories were stored, the events that had shaped him into what he was now and would continue to shape him.

Then there was a void, a part of his mind that would be completely dark if it wasn't for the glowing green mass of magic floating in the middle. His magic core was constantly moving, twisting, not restlessly but it would mesmerize anyone easily with its beauty.

Then there was something... More. Another level, perhaps, or something different. Loki did not know what it was or how much more it was, but he could feel it nonetheless. However, he had left it because he could not access it, not yet at least. If the Norns meant for him to find out, he would.

Loki suspected it was because he did not know what he was trying to find and to access.

But after going through his mindscape, inspecting it and inspecting his magic, and not finding anything amiss, he was bitterly forced to conclude he could not find the problem. And as he could not find the problem, he could not fix the problem.

There was nothing for him to do. He could only hope to the Norns that this was a one-time occurrence.

And as the months passed Loki saw the worry seep out of his mother's eyes just slightly every time she saw him healthy and standing.

As such, he did not have the heart to tell her, or anyone, that the attacks had continued. They were sporadic, sometimes hours between attacks and sometimes months, and as time passed Loki learned to deal with the pain.

He learned to stifle his screams so nobody would notice.

He learned to notice the signs of an oncoming attack so that he could make himself scarce.

He learned to avoid fights, because he could not get away from them without leaving behind a betrayed ally or a destructive enemy.

This was how, at almost 1200 years old, he had become known as the coward of Asgard. The sneaky one with the silver tongue, who tricked and lied instead of fighting like a real man would to, the prince practicing a woman's art instead of honorable battling. The one who ran.

His brother began to spend more and more time with his friends, Sif and the Warriors Three. This did not bother Loki. But the fact was, slowly but surely, Thor began to choose them over his brother.

It seemed that his brother never did find out when teasing turned to insults. Loki did not enjoy being made fun of, but he didn't truly care until his brother joined them.

Loki was bitter towards Thor. The Golden Boy of Asgard who always made their father proud, who was being groomed for the throne.

It was not that Loki disappointed the All-father. No, it was hard to disappoint someone who did not give you more than a glance every year or so.

Loki remembered when it had been different. When might and glory did not matter yet and Father cared for both of them, when the two brothers played together under Mother's watchful eye.

He remembered when it had mattered whether he came to the family dinners. When someone had noticed if he'd been caught up by a book and came to get him.

But those memories were from long, long ago. He was but a shadow, now, except for when he irritated someone. Then he was an ant, to be ridiculed and trown around a bit.

But Loki could not bring himself to hate Thor, or his mother, or give up on being noticed by his father. It may be because they were family, or it may be because they were all he had.

So when, with the day if Thor's kingship coming up, he looked at his brother and saw a warrior, not a king, he knew something needed to be done.

Thor was not ready to be king. The responsability would destroy him, collapse his bright grin, wear his strong hands. He did not think as a king, he would lead Asgard into ruin. Loki could not let either of those things happen.

Jötnar entering Asgard undetected and in a threatening position would make Thor want to retaliate. He would simply show the Frost Giants one of the secret passages he'd found and destroy it afterwards, that was all he would have to do.

Of course, it was never that simple, was it? Loki should have let Thor go, he was not alone and could handle himself. But Loki could not sit back and watch as his brother threw himself into a high risk situation. This was Loki's doing, and he had to see it through. He would not let his brother die.

The vast plains of Jotunheim were bleak and silent. There was not a soul to be seen, although those monsters having a soul was debatable. Great pillars of ice scattered the rocky landscape.

"Where are they?" Sif questioned, visibly uncomfortable. Thor's answer was immediate and sharp.

"Hiding, as cowards always do."

This did not feel like cowardry to Loki. This was dangerous. This felt like an ambush.

They entered a structure in ruins, Thor apparently knowing where he was going.

"You've come a long way to die, Asgardians." The voice startled Loki, although he did not show it. He, just like Thor, turned to the shape that was looming over the ruins, bathed in shadows.

"I am Thor Odinson." Thor announced.

"We know who you are."

With a shock, Loki realized this had been a mistake. A grave mistake. They should never have come here.

"How did your people get into Asgard?" Thor demanded, spitting out the words like venom.

There was a pause, and then Laufey, because of course it was the king facing them, answered. "The house of Odin is full of traitors."

"Do not dishonor my father's name with your lies!" Thor snapped back in anger.

Was Loki a traitor, if he had done it for the good of Asgard? Maybe so.

Laufey stood up and snarled his next words at them. "Your father is a murderer and a thief." He spoke with disgust and bitterness. "And why have you come here, to make peace? You long for battle. You crave it."

Thor did not interrupt, and Laufey was happy to continue. "You're nothing but a boy trying to prove himself a man."

Jötnar began appearing from the shadows of the ruins, surrounding them, but Thor did not seem to notice.

"This 'boy' has grown tired of your mockery."

This had been a mistake, Loki thought again. They were going to have to fight for their lives. This was Laufey's land, frigid and rough, and it was where they were about to die.

Laufey stopped out of the shadows, red eyes looking down at them. Ice began to form around his hand, shaping a sharp lance.

He stepped closer to his brother and whispered urgently to him. "Stop, and think. Look around, we're outnumbered."

"Know your place, brother." Thor growled in low tones. Loki felt bitterness well up. There had been a time when Thor had listened to him.

"You know not what your actions will unleash." A pause. "I do."

A war, Loki realized with growing horror. To fight now would mean to declare war between Jotunheim and Asgard.

"Go now, while I'll still allow it." Laufey stepped further out of the shadows, until he was standing before them.

Come on, come on, Thor, this is our out. We can leave this peacefully and all will be well.

"We will accept," Loki took over, keeping his voice straight and calm, "your most gracious offer."

He turned and slowly started walking. "Come on, brother," Loki muttered when Thor did not follow immediately.

And then Thor did turn, and Loki's silent relief was cut short with the King of the Jötnar's final words. "Run home, little princess."

"Damn." Loki said, not moving an inch. He could just feel that stupid, prideful grin behind him.

And then Mjolnir was slamming Laufey into a wall of the ruins, and all Hel broke loose.

Loki threw a dagger through the chaos to catch a Jotun in the shoulder, from where the magic in it disintegrated the monster.

This situation is my doing.Another knife landed in a giant sneaking up behind Sif.

This is my doing.

Two charging monsters were brought to a halt by their own legs collapsing beneath them.

My fault.One Jotun charged straight through Loki's illusion into the deep ravine. It's my fault.Loki stabbed a Frost Giant in the stomach.

There was a moment of absolute silence between the two, even while the battle raged on around them, as they stared at the blue creeping up Loki's arm from where the Giant was holding his wrist.

Loki bared his teeth and stabbed the monster again, pulling his arm out of the dying creature's hold. He noticed he was shaking.

He had heard the yell of 'Do not let them touch you!' a minute before- was this the reason? But that skin, it felt like-

Maybe it had been an illusion, some filthy Jötnar magic, though Loki was the most skilled mage in all of Asgard and he had not felt anything...

But- that was the only explanation, wasn't it?

Loki was pulled out of his staring when a crash sounded, and he realized his arm was back to how it had always been. Hallucination?

No time to contemplate it now, he decided as he dodged a pillar of ice coming down. Right now there was a mess to be fixed.

At that moment Fandral yelled in pain, and Loki turned to see a massive spike of ice through his chest. A moment later, a glowing green blade was whirled through the chest of the attacking Jotun.

Volstagg and Hogun began pulling a groaning Fandral from the spikes and helping him walk. Sif shouted for Thor's attention, but he did not even turn.

"We must go!" Loki yelled.

"Then go!" Thor shouted back, like he was expecting them to leave without him.

An enormous crashing sounded, ice breaking, and Loki's head whipped around to the monster breaking out from the ice.

It was huge and horrifying, like nothing he had ever seen before. With the state they were in now-

"Run!!" Volstagg yelled loudly.

Loki saw the monster turn its head towards his brother, who was still occupied by holding off the mass of Frost Giants. If the enormous beast went after him...

Without hesitating Loki FLARED his magical aura, nearly blinding himself, but he continued running, a slight distance from the others. The beast roared in rage and bounded after them in great leaps, breaking straight through the massive pillars of ice like they were not even there.

Thunder crashed down behind them, back in the ruins. Loki's heart lightened a bit, even as the beast snarled right behind the small group. Thor was fine. He would fly out after them, Loki knew.

But then the ground was crashing down behind them- a deafening crashing right on their heels, fragile ice falling down around them- and suddenly the beast had fallen too- were they next? Would they fall into an endless abyss, helpless to do a thing-

Hogan stumbled, lagging behind, about to be swallowed by the ever widening abyss and Loki's magic burst out in a flare of panic, holding the ice for just a moment, giving time for them for all of them to make it to the stable edge just in time.Loki felt unbalanced. He was panting not from physical exhaustion but rather from fear and panic and the feeling of we are going to die here.The ground was no longer falling, steady where it had been stopped by Loki's magic and how had he done that it should not have been possible.

Loki looked around to check if the others were still there, reassured even though he could feel their presence without trying. Thor was still back there, but Loki knew his brother well enough to know he would not let his friends be alone for long on enemy ground.

The frigid air sunk into his lungs as he tried to calm his wildly beating heart. A chill settled on his skin- the danger had not gone, they were not safe.

Loki whipped his head back to the ravine as a rumbling sounded, louder than the whistling of the wind or the crashing of ice behind them. A claw appeared, gripping onto the edge, and Loki's eyes widened as the beast pulled its way onto the ice.

No words could accurately describe what happened next. The monster had roared and mnot a moment later it fell down, a sizable hole straight through its head.

Thor landed with a resounding boom, shaking the ice, a proud grin on his face that slowly faded away as he turned around to face them.

Loki turned to see what made Thor do so, and readied his daggers at the problem he came face-to-face with. The army-sized one.

He had run from them. Now the only choice left was to fight.

This had been a mistake. To come here, to trick his brother at all. It was a mistake Loki would never repeat, partly because dead men cannot act.

The moment the Jötnar rushed at the small group of warriors and the lone mage, there was a flickering of light that paused the battle. Not a word was spoken before the Bifrost came crashing down around the group, Odin atop his rearing battle horse with it.

The All-father stood on the rock at the edge of the ravine yet facing Laufey and his army. He did not spare the young Aesir a second glance.

"Father!" Thor yelled, pride and overconfidence practically shining from him as he readied Mjolnir. "We'll finish them together!"

"Silence." Odin hissed, and even though he could not see it Loki knew his father's eyes were flashing with anger. The Warriors did not seem to understand, but the realization had dawned on Loki long ago.

We attacked them on their own land. The treaty is broken. We are at war now.

Laufey rose up from the ice to face Odin.

"All-father." The monster mused, not at all sounding like an enemy at war. "You look weary."

"Laufey," Father acknowledged. "end this now."

Laufey seemed to be glaring now, his red eyes filled with hate. He looked almost bitter. "Your boy sought this out."

"You're right." Odin agreed. "These are the actions of a boy. Treat them as such. You and I can end this, here and now, before there is further bloodshed."

Father thought he could reason with these creatures? All they wanted was blood.

"We are beyond diplomacy now, All-father." Laufey unknowingly agreed with Loki's thoughts. "He'll get what he came for: war, and death."

Odin nodded. He had evidently expected this response. "So be it."

Laufey lunged and Loki was about to strike out with his magic to cut that monster's head off, but before he could the King of the Jötnar was thrown back by a beam of light and the Bifrost took them all.

When the neon colours and dizziness faded away and left faint nausea- Loki never did like travelling by Bifrost- the first thing Loki heard was shouting.

"Why did you bring us back!"

"Do you realize what you've done, what you've started?" Odin was talking quickly, angrily.

"I was protecting my home!" Thor protested.

"You can't even protect your friends, how can you hope to protect the kingdom? Get him to the healing room, now!" The last part was said to Hogun and Volstagg, who were supporting Fandral.

"There won't be a kingdom to protect if you're afraid to act."

Loki was watching silently. This was not right. It was he who lured Thor out.

"The Jotuns must learn to fear me, just as they once feared you!"

Jötnar, brother. Loki silently corrected in his mind. Thor had never been any good at wording.

"That's pride and vanity talking, not leadership." Odin countered, standing tall and proud. "You've forgotten everything I taught you about a warriors patience."

"While you wait, and be patient, the Nine Realms laugh at us!" Thor growled. "The old ways are done and you'd stand giving speeches-" Thor spit out the word like it was poison, "-while Asgard falls."

"You're a vain, greedy, cruel boy!" Odin snarled, furious.

"And you are an old man and a fool!"

A short silence rang through the room louder than any words could.

"... Yes." Odin admitted. "I was a fool to think you were ready."

Loki's eyes widened when he realized what his father was going to do. This was not a simple reprimand. What he was doing-

"Father.." Loki started, but was interrupted by Odin snapping at him, clearly telling him to stay out of this.

"Thor, Odinson..." Father sounded regretful that he had to do this. "You have betrayed the express command of your king. Through your arrogance and stupidity you have opened these peaceful realms and innocent lives to the horror and desolation of war!"

Odin snarled the last words and placed his staff in the Bifrost's access system, activating the bridge. He stepped down to where Thor was standing.

Loki did not stop their father as he ripped off Thor's armour and announced that he was unworthy, of the realms, of his title, of the friends he had betrayed.

He watched in silence as Thor was banished, even while his heart was chilled and something in him called to STOP HIM STOP HIM NOT AGAIN.

He did not speak as the Bifrost's deactivated and Odin turned and walked back towards the palace.

After all, this had been the plan, had it not? To save Asgard, to save Thor by making sure he would never become king.

So why did he not feel like he had accomplished it?

Loki remembered the cold of Jotunheim the cries of rage and pain in battle. The scaly claws gripping his wrist and the blue creeping along his skin.

Loki remembered his magic doing the impossible, fortifying the ice before it collapsed and doomed them all.

He made for the weapons vault, solely to make certain that it was a coincidence.