You said last time in Old Quebec,
You're a child of comfort, of guilt and regret
It's no wonder, you feel you're going down.

Rachael Cantu - Devil's Thunder

Delphine blinked sleepily as her phone buzzed. A quick look on the alarm clock on her night stand told her that it was 2.47 A.M. Who was calling her in the middle of the night?

Numéro privé, her phone told her and she declined the call. She had a vague idea who it would be, but if it was her, she didn't need to bother.

Her was Cosima. They'd been dating for several weeks. It had been great. Until last week. Now she never wanted to see the dreadlocked girl again.

The thought of Cosima made her feel agitated though. Awful feelings of shame, embarrassment and insecurity bubbled up in her stomach again. Those feelings had been tormenting her all week. Like a sore spot in her mouth. She knew it hurt, but every once in a while she had to touch it with her tongue to see if it was still there. It was always still there.

She stepped out of bed, stumbling to her kitchen to make herself a cup of warm milk with honey. An old recipe, that her parents had used for years when their daughter had been plagued by nightmares or anxiety-ridden insomnia.

When she returned to her bed, she saw that the notification light on her phone was blinking. With a dreadful feeling in her belly she opened the new messages.

[+1 416-555-0171, 01.47]: Dolphin, isbme

[+1 416-555-0171, 01.47]: Sorry, *delphine imalittle drunkk

[+1 416-555-0171, 01.48]: Im so sorry. u home?

Delphine gasped at the nerve of the girl. After everything she'd done, she thought it was okay to drunk-text her and come by in the middle of the night?

[+1 416-555-0171, 01.51]: Can i cme over?

She just sent back one word: No. She turned off her phone and laid back down in bed.

She must have dozed off for a little while, because she was rudely awakened by her doorbell followed by incessant knocking.

"Delphine!" That was Cosima. She groaned. She wasn't going to open her door. Pas de question. Cosima could stand there all night if she wanted, she wouldn't open up. Maybe one of her neighbors would eventually call the police and they'd take her away.

"Delphine. Please. I'm sorry!"

She could hear sobbing. She shook a head at the other woman's unhealthy coping mechanisms. Cosima was an emotional drunk, apparently. At least she wasn't a bitch, like when she got stoned.

That was when Cosima had fucked it all up. Before that it had been wonderful. Delphine had been insecure when they'd started dating. Except for an intense crush on her friend Véronique when she was seventeen, she didn't have any experience with women. And Cosima seemed so confident. The other woman had a sharp tongue and a biting sense of humor.

Delphine had been afraid of her when they first met. It had been at a lecture on embryonic sexual differentiation. They were sitting next to each other. Cosima had been wearing a T-shirt with a joke on the fall of the patriarchy printed on it. She had asked the speaker a lot of questions, though he seemed to enjoy the discussion that had emerged. Afterwards the dreadlocked woman had asked Delphine what she thought of it and she'd given her honest opinion, disagreeing with some of Cosima's points. The other woman had appreciated that. She'd grinned at Delphine and asked her out for a drink.

"We can discuss this a little more over a beer."

She'd been nervous, but Cosima had been so gentle and understanding towards her. She'd kissed Delphine at the end of the evening when she'd walked her home and from that moment on they'd started to spend most of their free time together. Cosima'd agreed to take it slow though, and she had showered Delphine with affection.

It was just... Delphine had never felt a connection like that before. Sexually she felt very much attracted to Cosima. But even outside all of that, they just clicked on a deeper level. Delphine was definitely not a talker, but every time one of them came over to the other's place, they'd end up talking for hours about anything and everything. They discussed mundane things, like science, Cosima's studies and her own work, but even deeper, more personal things.

She'd told Cosima about her youth and the depression she had dealt with when she was a teenager, even about her attempted suicide and the social anxiety she was still struggling with. And in her turn, Cosima had told her about her own problems. Her adoptive parents, who'd kicked her out when she was sixteen after she told them she was gay. She couldn't help but be in awe of Cosima when she heard that story.

Everything Cosima was, everything Cosima owned, she'd achieved herself. Nothing had been handed to her on a silver platter. She didn't go to a boarding school, she hadn't had any tutors or private education or parents with extensive networks. She had worked hard for it. And still Cosima had a certain joie de vivre. Despite the bad things that had happened to her, she was definitely not a gloomy person. She was always joking around and they'd laughed so much together.

Those weeks had been the happiest of Delphine's life. It had been wonderful. She hadn't told Cosima yet, but she loved her. She had loved her.

But Cosima had ruined all of that with three simple words.

"Yeah, it showed."

The sex had happened last Thursday night. She'd been nervous. She'd come too quickly and cried in Cosima's arms like a baby, but the other girl had assured her that it didn't matter, that it was okay. And she had felt safe in Cosima's arms. She'd done her best to pleasure Cosima as well. She knew it hadn't been very good, but Cosima had orgasmed, though now she wondered if that was even true. Maybe Cosima had just faked it so that Delphine would stop the awkward, fumbling touches between her legs.

A quiet sob escaped from her throat and she could still hear Cosima call for her, outside her door. Tears streamed down her cheeks as the events that took place a day later played on in her head, like a bad movie.

After work she'd gone by the little French boutique to pick up truffles. She'd discovered the place in one of her first weeks living in the city and she adored it; she enjoyed speaking French with the chocolatier and loved treating herself every now and then. It was a little bit of home far away from home. It was her little secret, but she wanted to share it with Cosima. She wished to spoil the other woman, she was so madly in love and Cosima had been so sweet and patient the night before.

But when she'd stepped inside Cosima's apartment, the little bag of truffles clenched in her hand, she was met with the pungent smell of marijuana.

"Wow," Cosima had uttered, when she'd finally opened the door after a minute of knocking. "Did we plan to meet?"

Delphine had blinked, her eyes had started to tear from the smoke. "No, chérie. I just wanted to surprise you. I brought the truffles that I promised you."

"Thank God," Cosima had laughed, ignoring Delphine's touch on her arm and the confused look on her face. "I thought I forgot or whatevs. I swear I'm literally so fucking baked right now. Like, I don't even know."

"Oi, Cos! Who is it?" Another voice called. It was male.

"It's Delphine!" Cosima yelled back. "She's got candy."

She wanted to tell Cosima that truffles weren't candy, but her voice caught in her throat. The energy between her and Cosima felt so different all of a sudden.

Cosima had always been so gentle and so focused on Delphine. Until that moment she hadn't truly realized how attentive Cosima had been; always making sure that Delphine was enjoying herself, that she felt comfortable. Cosima was always there with a gentle touch on her arm or a quick squeeze of her hand if Delphine needed any comfort or reassurance. Even when they were just talking, Cosima was always paying attention to what she said. Never just nodding without listening. It had made her feel safe and special and loved.

She didn't feel safe standing there in Cosima's apartment with her truffles, while Cosima was yelling to her friend. She should have left then. It was clear that Cosima was intoxicated. Very intoxicated. Her eyes were red and glassy and the motions of her hands slow and clumsy.

"You have company," Delphine had muttered. "I'm sorry. I will go. I should have called before I came over. I'll come back another time."

"No!" Cosima had exclaimed, her mouth forming a perfect circle as she slowly pronounced the 'o'. "You can like, totally stay. It's amazing. Come in. You should meet Felix."

"Fee," Cosima giggled, when she'd dragged a reluctant Delphine along to her living room where an equally stoned man was seated on a bean bag.

"Oh." He looked her up and down. "Well now I get it."

Delphine had blinked at him in confusion. Now he got what? She looked at Cosima for an explanation, but the dark haired woman had fallen back on the couch again, taking another drag from a joint. That had disconcerted her. Cosima had always been ready to translate or explain things to her if she'd missed something in English, but now Cosima didn't even pay attention to her.

"You wanna try?"

"Non. Merci," she'd answered with a soft voice, not looking Cosima in the eye.

"Aw, come on," Cosima muttered. "Did you ever smoke pot before?"

She shook her head and Felix snickered as Cosima handed him the joint.

"Shite, Cos. Where did you find this virgin?" He paused to take a drag. "I bet she's a pillow princess, aren't you blondie?"

Cosima had just laughed and Felix had handed her back the joint. Delphine had been confused, but neither of them had offered any explanation as to what being a 'pillow princess' entailed. She'd googled it later, which had been a big mistake. Another jab at her sexual performance.

"You should try it," Cosima had argued then, trying to push the joint between her lips with uncoordinated movements.

Delphine pushed her hand away. "I said no, Cosima." Her tone was sharp and both Felix and Cosima had looked up at her, but then they'd dissolved in a fit of giggles.

Delphine had known then that she had to get out. There was no fun in being with two stoners if you weren't stoned yourself and she was definitely not planning on doing that right then.

"So Delphine," Felix started. "Cosima told me you're a baby dyke?"

Again she had to look at Cosima for an explanation.

Her lover chuckled as she blew out smoke. "I was just telling Fee that I'm your first lesbian relationship."

Delphine shifted uncomfortably. Did Cosima have to tell this man about all of that? Was that why he said that "now he got it"? What else had she told him?

Felix grinned at her. "So until last night you'd never..."

She couldn't believe that Cosima had told this guy that they had sex. She looked at him incredulous. Did he want her to spell it out for him?

"-I had never been with a woman before," she replied, rolling her eyes, expecting the laughter. Was he happy now?

"-Yeah, it showed." Cosima had started to giggle and Felix had cackled with her.

Cosima had tried to wrap an arm around Delphine's shoulders, but Delphine had immediately stood up and shrugged it off.

She hadn't said anything. What could she possibly have said to that? It was so hurtful and diminishing. And especially the careless way in which Cosima had uttered the words in front of her friend and laughed about it. Maybe she had totally misjudged the situation. Maybe she was just another notch on Cosima's belt, or whatever the right English expression was.

Tears had burned in her eyes as she grabbed her coat and walked out of the apartment, leaving the truffles forgotten on the table.

"Aw, come on," she had heard Cosima mumble. "Delphine!"

Felix had chuckled: "Way to go, Cos."

Afterwards Cosima had tried to call. She'd left countless voice mail messages and texts, telling her how sorry she was, but Delphine hadn't replied. It was just too painful. Cosima hadn't enjoyed her touch. Cosima had been laughing at her with her friends.

And now Cosima was standing in front of her door, banging her fist against it by the sounds of it, yelling her name.

With a sigh she slipped out of bed again and opened the door, fully prepared to tell Cosima to get out and not to come back again.

She gasped however when she saw the other girl. Cosima's glasses were broken and there was blood on her hands, as if she'd tried to claw her way through Delphine's door.

"What did you do?" She asked.

"Jus' fell over. 'm fine," Cosima slurred. But then she made a noise that Delphine knew all too well.

"Not on my doormat," she hissed. She grabbed the other woman by her arm and pulled her inside. She half-dragged, half-carried Cosima to the bathroom.

It was too late. Before they'd reached the bathroom, Cosima had already thrown up. The sour-smelling vomit dripped down her chin to the front of her jacket. It pooled down in her lap on the front of her skirt as the other woman sat down on the edge of her bath tub.

She wanted to cry. Part of her felt like she should just kick Cosima out. Let her find someone else to clean her up and deal with her shit. But another part of her found that she couldn't. The girl in front of her looked so desolate. Inconsolable. Tears on her cheeks, the smell of alcohol wafting off of her. Poor, disgusting, little girl with puke on her face and blood on her hands.

"I'm so sorry, Delphine." Cosima gestured wildly and small drops of vomit splattered from her hands on the white tiles of Delphine's bathroom. She was sobbing. "I'm so sorry 'bout everything."

Delphine didn't answer her. "You need a bath. Take off your clothes."

She took off Cosima's broken glasses and helped the girl to pull off the rest of her clothes. She tried not to pay attention to Cosima's curves, or her small perky breasts with their pale pink nipples. The tuft of hair between Cosima's legs seemed to tease her, but as soon as she thought of "it showed" she felt as cold as ice. Cosima hadn't liked her touch. Not at all.

"This is not okay, you know," Delphine said as she made a shivering Cosima sit down in the bath and turned on the spray. "You coming here. Texting me. Yelling and waking up my neighbors. It's not okay at all."

She wasn't sure on how to wash Cosima's dreads, but the ends were covered in vomit so she just shampooed them and rinsed them out as best as she could.

"Delphine," Cosima moaned again. "I'm so sorry. You have to forgive me. You have to know how sorry I am. I'm such an idi-idiot. I was just – so baked."

"-That's no excuse." Delphine turned off the water and threw a towel over Cosima. "And I don't want to talk about this when you're intoxicated. Again."

She didn't want to talk about it at all. It was painful enough when the words played over and over again in her head. Even if Cosima had been stoned, there had to have been some truth in it.

"I need to pee."

She helped Cosima to the toilet and while she did her business, Delphine tended to her bloody hands.

"I punched a wall." Cosima seemed to have sobered up a little. She let out a raw laugh. "I was angry with myself."

Delphine felt an odd sense of satisfaction as Cosima gasped in pain when she used iodine wipes to clean the wounds. "Comme on fait son lit, on se couche."

A few minutes later, Cosima had passed out on her couch, covered by several blankets. Delphine had placed a bucket next to her, and a glass of water and some Tylenol on the coffee table.

It took an hour before she fell asleep again. She should have kicked Cosima out. Why did she let her in? Help her shower for God's sake? She should have been more assertive instead of letting Cosima cross all of her boundaries. She'd let herself be used like a doormat.

It was just so difficult. The same Cosima, the same Cosima who'd said those awful words to her, had held her tightly in her arms when she'd reached her orgasm. The same Cosima had wiped away her tears and kissed her so tenderly. The same Cosima had flashed her huge grins whenever they were "dorking out together". The same Cosima had been asking her for the French translation of almost everything and proudly announced that she'd found a free online course to learn French.

When she woke up the next morning, Cosima was sitting cross-legged next to her on the bed. A mug of coffee clenched in her hands. She didn't look too good. She was pale and there were dark circles under her eyes. Delphine hoped that she had a hangover like hell.

"I made you coffee as well." She pointed to another mug on Delphine's night stand.

Delphine blinked sleepily, combing a hand through her curls.

"You should go," she told Cosima, her voice cold. "You've long overstayed your welcome."

"Delphine. I'm so sorry about last night. I'm sorry for texting and yelling at your door and puking all over myself. Thank you for taking care of me."

Delphine shrugged.

"Let's just talk. For a little bit." Cosima's eyes were pleading. "Please."

"Does it matter whether I want to talk or not? I told you not to come over last night, but you did anyway. Obviously you don't care about how I feel." She took a large gulp of the coffee and enjoyed the burning sensation in her throat.

"That's not true, Delphine."

"It is. Maybe..." She gestured with her hands and some of her coffee sloshed over the edge of her mug onto the sheets. "Maybe if I was better at sex you'd care."

Cosima rubbed her face. "You have every right to be mad. What I said was... fricking unforgivable."

"Yes."

"I have no excuse. Except that I was pretty fucking stoned. And apparently I have no filter. And with Felix... I don't know. Whenever we smoke together we get super bitchy. Obvs. I don't know why. I guess we just bring out that side in each other. I know it's not pretty."

Delphine gasped. "It was hurtful and it was cruel. I-I know that I wasn't good. It-it was my first time, Cosima! But do you know how horrible and embarrassing it was to hear you say something like that in front of someone else?"

She started to cry. "It was supposed to be a beautiful, private moment between the two of us and you tainted it. You violated my privacy by telling him about that. If-if it was so bad, you should have talked to me about it in private. I'm a big girl, I could have handled it. But this... And then you two just laughed at me. It hurt me so badly. I felt as if I was just some random girl that you- that you screwed."

Cosima was crying as well. "I know. I'm so sorry. I know I can't ever make up for that. But you're special Delphine. You're not some random skank or whatevs."

Delphine shook her head. "It's... Now if we would have sex, I'd always feel as if it was a test with a jury assessing my performance."

"Delphine. It wasn't even that you were bad..." Cosima waved her hand as Delphine raised her eyebrow. "I mean, it was your first time. No one is great their first time. And that's okay. Really. Nobody is a great at playing the piano the first time, you need to practice. But you weren't like, bad or anything. I came. I was just... I don't know. I was just joking to Felix. It was just a joke. A very bad and hurtful and insensitive one." She grabbed Delphine's hand and pressed it to her lips. "And I'm sorry. So sorry."

"You're not a teenage boy who needs to be cool in front of his friends, Cosima! I have no desire to be with someone cruel. What will you say next? That my ass is too fat? That I'm a bad cook? That my breasts aren't big enough?"

"No. Delphine. Stop it. I-It was just because I had smoked" Cosima sputtered. "You know me. I'm not a mean person."

"Well, then maybe you shouldn't do drugs if it makes you act so cruelly."

"I won't. I won't get stoned or high or whatever. I promise."

"You showed up at my door tonight, like a- comme un ivrogne!"

Cosima gaped at her awkwardly. "Yeah, I don't know what that is."

"Like a-like a drunk, Cosima! An alcoholic!"

"What?! I'm not an alcoholic! I just drank to give myself some liquid courage."

Delphine shook her head. "You're unbelievable. Mon dieu. Do you even hear yourself? Just get out, Cosima."

"Delphine! Please!"

"What do you want me to say, Cosima?"

Cosima's eyes looked up at her in earnest. "I love you," she said in a small voice. "I love you so much already."

"How can I possibly believe that, Cosima?"

"Because you feel it!" She took Delphine's hand and brought it to her heart. "I know you do."

"You hurt me, Cosima," she sobbed. She allowed Cosima to pry the mug of coffee from her hands and to pull her into the smaller woman's lap.

"I know," Cosima muttered as she kissed her face so tenderly. She could feel the fluttering feeling in her stomach again. Her body wanted Cosima. So badly. "I am so sorry. I'm going to do everything I can to make up for that."

"Maybe you can't."

"Let me try. Please let me try. I know I can't take back what I said. But let me try to make up for it. I will prove to you that I'm a decent person. A decent girlfriend."

"I know you are not a bad person, Cosima. But you knew I was insecure and then you said that... You made me feel so... "

"I know. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to make you feel that way, believe me. I just wasn't thinking. I was just being a dick with Felix. I'll really stop smoking pot if you want me to. I'll do anything, Delphine. Anything. It's... You're so beautiful and so fucking special." She collected the strands of Delphine's hair in her fist. "You're mine."

"Why do you even do drugs? Do you really need that to have fun?"

The dark haired woman let out a raw laugh. "I don't do it to have fun. I do it to forget when I feel shitty."

"You felt shitty after we made love?" She felt sick. Maybe she'd puke all over Cosima now, showering the other woman with vomit once again.

"God. No, Delphine. No. It was wonderful. You're so beautiful and so responsive to my touch." A small hand stroke her face, but she couldn't let herself relax under Cosima's touch. "I dunno. I guess I just fell scared. Of everything I felt for you."

Delphine stared at her.

"I'm not saying this as an excuse. Or to make you feel sorry for me or whatevs. I've just never felt like this before, okay? I slept around a lot and I had some very crappy relationships, but nothing like this. I love you."

Delphine was silent for a moment, contemplating everything Cosima had said. She hid her head in the crook of Cosima's neck, inhaling the unique smell that was Cosima. She didn't know why, but suddenly she sank her teeth in the skin of Cosima's neck, biting hard. Not hard enough to draw blood, but Cosima let out a little noise of surprise and rubbed the spot with her hand, wincing in pain.

"What the f, Delphine? Is this my punishment or what?"

Delphine smiled coyly and nodded.

"Weirdo," Cosima mumbled affectionately. She combed a hand through Delphine's curls.

Delphine cupped Cosima's face. "This I can overlook. But hurt me like that again and I'm gone."

Cosima nodded, her eyes squeezed closed to prevent the tears from falling, though they dripped down from under her closed eyelids anyway. "There won't be a next time. I promise you, Delphine. I love you so much."

"Je t'aime aussi."

They kissed and after a while she allowed Cosima to gently push her off her lap and to lay her down on the sheets.

"Let's just sleep for a little while," the dark haired woman murmured. "Come here. I'll take you out for brunch later. I need something greasy to cure my hangover."

Delphine shook her head, she knew she wasn't going to be able to sleep after the dose of caffeine she just consumed, but she laid down next to Cosima anyway and wrapped the smaller woman up in her arms.

"Did you just apologize so you could sleep in my bed instead of on the couch?" She teased.

Cosima's eyes shot open. "What? Delphine, no!"

"-I'm sorry," Delphine stammered awkwardly. "It was just a joke. I..."

Cosima kissed her softly. "I know. Sorry. I guess it will take a little time for either of us until everything feels normal again. But we'll get over this."

"Oui, mon amour. I know we will." She pressed her lips to Cosima's and opened her mouth, deepening the kiss.

"I'm really sorry, Delphine," Cosima mumbled sleepily, a few moments later.

"I know, chérie. Just sleep now. I'll wake you up in an hour or so, so we can go out." Delphine held her lover tightly as she succumbed to the realms of sleep. They would get over this, she was sure of it. Not in a day or a week, but they loved each other, they could work past this. Amor omnia vincit.