Hey guys,

So this is a continuation of 13x05 (HOW PERFECT WAS THAT EPISODE? IT WAS EVERYTHING I NEEDED IT TO BE AND JUST UGH!) It gave me so many feels.

This one could relate to 'Faithless' and 'Empty Bottles' although there are no explicit references, just some similar themes, so if you wanna read them first, go for it.

Warning for mentions of Dean's suicide attempt (because let's face it, that's exactly what it was).

Enjoy ^_^

"Hello, Dean."

Dean just stared at the angel. He hadn't believed, not really. Not even when he'd heard that deep, familiar voice on the phone telling him a location, that he would explain everything. He'd expected a shifter maybe, or a demon, a trap of some kind. But instead, Cas turned towards him in a new coat and met his eyes.

It was like taking a thousand volts to the chest, Dean could have sworn his heart stopped beating again, because it was Cas and Cas was here and looking at him with those eyes that told him there was a story to be told. But later, later. For now, Dean strode towards Cas with a whoop and flung his arms around the angel, laughing and trying not to cry at the same time.

They stood there for a few moments too long, held on to each other a fraction too tightly. Dean just breathed in the smell of stardust, of thunderstorms and electricity, that scent that was both so familiar and so new... and then it was over, and Sam too was calling Cas' name, asking him questions and hugging him and slapping his brother on the shoulder, saying;

"I'd say this counts as a win, wouldn't you?"

They piled back into the impala, Dean at the wheel, turning off his music so they could grill Cas on where he'd been and catch him up on what had happened since he'd died. Cas was very excited to meet Jack and kept staring out of the window with a small smile on his face, seeming to revel in being back on Earth after his time in the Empty. Dean watched him in the rearview mirror. He didn't say much, driving back. Letting Sam do most of the talking, he kept expecting Cas to disappear again, but each time he looked in the mirror or heard the soft rumble of his voice, there he was.

Cas was back, and there was a tennis ball sized lump in his chest that glowed like a nova at the thought.

Xxx

Sam kept glancing at Dean out of the corner of his eyes. His brother's stoicism was almost complete, but there was a slight sink to his features that softened all the hard-earned creases, and there was something different in his eyes than the black hole of pain that had he had been lugging around with him for the past few weeks, something warmer. Sam smiled at the sight and did his best to keep Cas talking. Glad himself for the opportunity to talk to his friend again. Cas was calm and relaxed, happy to talk, happy to gaze out of the window. He asked a few questions about Jack and Sam glanced at Dean before answering, thinking that now wouldn't be the best time to mention how opposed to Jack Dean had been. Dean chimed in with the odd comment, mostly sarcastic remarks and the occasional genuine joke. It was nice, but there was a tension in the car that threatened to crush the fragile dome of relief and happiness with the weight of all the things left unsaid. Cas told them about the creature in the Empty, how it had looked like him and searched through his memories, though there was a falter in the way he said it that lead Sam to believe that wasn't the whole story. Dean outright laughed when Cas explained how he had ended up being sent back.

"So, you just downright irritated yourself back to life, huh? That's awesome, Cas. Sounds like me and Sammy have been a bad influence on you."

"Or a good one, depending on how you look at it."

Dean laughed again, though this one sounded less genuine. Sam let out his own chuckle, it was nice to laugh again, the three of them, in the impala, driving home. But that sticky tension was still there, oppressive.

"We've really missed you, Cas." Sam said lightly. "It's not been, uh, easy, without you around." He glanced at his brother then, whose hands gripped slightly tighter on the wheel, but said nothing.

"I'm sorry I caused you grief," the angel said, seeing as happy to talk about the subject as Sam, likely he too had noticed the tension and wanted to dispel it as quickly as possible.

"Well, you died, Cas, of course we grieved," Sam said, Dean's knuckles were white on the wheel now, "we were, uh, pretty messed up, actually."

"You were?"

"Well, we'd just lost our mom and our best friend within ten minutes of each other so it wasn't exactly a great day," Dean said, "but we went through the process, we hugged it out, went to therapy and we got back to business, right, Sam?"

"You went to therapy?" Cas sounded more confused than ever, and when Sam turned in his seat to talk to him there was a small amount of hurt on his face at Dean's brusque response.

"Well, it was for a case," Sam explained, "we had to go undercover as patients. You see, there was this shifter…" he told the story, leaving out his and Dean's explosion in the therapy session, saying only that he had found talking about Mary hard and had had to leave the room. He also tactfully glossed over how resentful Dean had been towards Jack during the Hunt, seeing as things had actually been improving a little in that area, he didn't see the point in mentioning it. When he was done Castiel beamed from the backseat.

"It sounds like Jack has been fitting in well."

"Yeah, he's a regular Peter Parker," said Dean, "got the floppy hair and everything."

Cas' smile faded a little, Sam glared at his brother who seemed to realise that his tone had been anything but complementary and shifted his weight uncomfortably in his seat.

"Either way, it's great to have you back," Sam said quickly, pointedly. "Maybe things can start… you know, getting back to normal and we can work on getting Mom back. I really think you could help Jack figure out how to control his powers, I mean, you have experience in this stuff, right?"

"No more than you, really," Cas said thoughtfully, "I mean, I can try. He did have a very strong presence when he helped me defeat Daegon."

Dean snorted at that but either Cas didn't hear, or he ignored it.

"Great," Sam said, enthusiastically, "Yeah, that might really help. If you got a read on his powers and what they're like then you might be better equipped to help him figure them out."

Castiel nodded and smiled. "It sounds like a plan. What do you think, Dean?"

"Sure, whatever."

The angel frowned, then he leaned forward in his seat and pressed a hand to Dean's shoulder. Dean flinched slightly at the surprise contact. But after a moment, Sam watched him relax again, something flickered in his eyes, though it was gone too quickly for Sam to identify it.

"Are you alright?" Cas asked the Hunter.

"I'm good, Cas, really."

"Dean,"

Sam hid a smile at the 'don't bullshit me' tone. Dean huffed out a sigh and for a second, Sam thought he might not reply. Then he nodded slightly, seemingly to himself, and closed his eyes for a second longer than he should have considering he was driving.

"I'm better." He said. And there was such sincerity in his voice that Sam actually believed it. A little of the tension dissipated and Sam's mouth twitched in relief.

After a few long minutes of silence, Dean put his music back on. Sam rolled his eyes at the volume and Cas sat back, smiling, his eyes crinkling with amusement. Dean began to sing along, quietly at first, then louder, finally letting rip with the chorus and belting out the lyrics, drumming his hands on the wheel. Sam glanced over at his brother, then back at Cas who was nodding along to the beat of the song, watching Dean with fondness, as though he was experiencing something truly unique and beautiful by listening to him sing. Sam joined the song on the next chorus, singing wildly and out of tune, Dean grinned over at him, a real grin. The song ended in a high note, which they both attempted though Sam knew he could never hit it without his voice cracking like a walnut and if Dean had truly wanted to do the song justice then he would have changed key. They both warbled, holding the ridiculous note for as long as they could and then burst out laughing as the last few bars faded. Cas was chuckling quietly on the backseat, he too had started humming along to the tune in the last verse, though Sam had never actually heard Cas sing. The horrible tension was gone for now and they spent the rest of the trip home laughing and reminiscing and talking about nothing at all, and although Sam noticed Dean going quiet again, he no longer looked as haunted.

This was exactly what Dean needed, Sam decided as the three of them pulled up in front of the bunker and prepared to introduce Jack to the angel who had looked out for him before he was even born. Cas was so excited he was almost vibrating, Dean laughing and pulling the angel out of the car by his arm, flinging his own arm around Cas' shoulders, calling for Jack in a voice that could only be described as cheerful.

Cas was the win Dean had been hoping for.

Xxx

A couple of weeks later and things had settled into a new routine of sorts. Cas was spending most of his time with Jack, trying to implement a new regime for him to safely test out and learn to control his powers. Cas was very good with the kid; Sam had sat in on a couple of their sessions and Castiel was always patient, explaining what he wanted Jack to try and why it was important. He and Jack had formed a bond instantly, Jack latching onto the angel and following him around like a puppy. Sam would often find them together in the library, or on the sofa, talking quietly; either Jack bombarding Cas with questions about his mother, or Cas offering advice on some of the finer points of living with humans.

Dean, for his part, didn't seem to be drinking quite as much, and he actually spent a lot of time in the kitchen, whipping up breakfast, lunch and dinner for all of them and insisting that Cas sit with them at the table when they ate together, despite the angel not actually needing food. He even sometimes slipped Jack extra helpings, grumbling that the kid was too skinny and 'if he wasn't careful, he'd grow into a beanpole like Sam.'

But the gloom of previous weeks had slowly settled back around his brother, and it was only really mealtimes that they talked. When he wasn't in the kitchen, Dean was in his room, the only sound coming from it, the occasional clink of a bottle.

Sam himself had been researching in the library. Not trawling the internet for cases, he figured a short break from Hunting while they all readjusted to having Cas back would do them all good, but for mentions of other worlds, particularly anything like the one Mary was still trapped in. He hadn't learned very much so far, but he figured even the smallest of references might be useful in the long run. Sam sighed and pushed his laptop away, rubbing his eyes and yawning. He couldn't concentrate tonight. He was worried about Dean. He had been so certain that getting Cas back would be just the thing to get him out of his funk, after all it had been losing Cas in the first place that had put him on that road. But while Dean's eyes lit up every time the angel walked into the room, they grew darker again in seconds. He seemed conflicted, though Sam wasn't sure why, and seemed to be pulling away from all of them.

Cas came in then,

"You're up late," he said mildly, wandering over to one of the shelves and browsing before pulling out a couple of books.

"Am I?" Sam checked the clock on his laptop screen, it was nearly three am. "Wow, I didn't even realise. Some of the theories on parallel universes are really interesting, I guess I just got sucked in. What are you doing up?"

Cas shot him a sardonic look, then held up the books.

"I have to find something to occupy myself while you all sleep. Or while you all usually sleep at least."

"Right, of course."

Cas put the books down on the table opposite Sam and sat, opening one. Sam closed his laptop and almost got up to leave but instead he just sat there in the companionable silence, mulling over his worries over the past few weeks.

"What's bothering you?" Cas asked after a couple of minutes, not looking up from his book.

Sam huffed and leaned back, combing a hand through his hair. "Dean, I guess," he said.

"That's not so unusual," Cas said with a small smile, marking his page and closing the book, cocking his head at the younger Winchester, "I daresay if I asked Dean the same question, he'd say 'you'."

"Nah, he'd say 'nothing Cas, I'm good, pass me a beer.'" Sam said in his best Dean impression, growly and sarcastic.

Cas chuckled.

"That's true. I have been meaning to talk to him. But I've been so busy with Jack, and I guess I too 'just got sucked in'."

"Jack's a great kid,"

Castiel's smile was warm. "He is, but he needs a lot of guidance and that means time. Time I'm willing to give him but…" he trailed off, a small frown creasing his brow.

"But it sometimes gets in the way," Sam nodded, "I get it. I'm sure Dean does too, it's just an adjustment we have to make, that's all."

Cas nodded slowly, "Dean doesn't adjust very well."

Sam huffed out a laugh.

"Yeah, you could say that. You know, Dean and Jack… Dean hasn't taken to him too well,"

Cas' frown deepened, "he hasn't? I mean, I know Jack's a little intimidated by him but-"

"No, I mean, Dean could be downright cruel. When we first brought him back to the bunker he told Jack he'd kill him. When we took him along on that Hunt a few weeks back, he was acting like… like Dad. You know, barking orders, expecting them to be followed, not actually talking to him. I called him out on it, but he didn't back off. It was, well it wasn't like him. You know how protective he gets, over pretty much everyone." Sam didn't have the words for how disturbed he'd been. Dean might have tried desperately to be John once, but that was years ago and he had never pushed that crap onto Sam, in fact, when it came down to it, Dean had even pushed himself between his father and his brother a lot of the time, always siding with Sam. Dean had come to hold their father in a much lower regard than he had once done and Sam had thought that comparing the two would have been enough to snap Dean out of it. So when he hadn't, Sam had just hoped it wouldn't last long, and stuck up for Jack when he could.

Cas too looked disturbed at the words and not a little angry.

"John…" he said, delicately, "John was not a kind father."

Sam shrugged. John had had his moments, he'd always tried his best and he had loved them, despite everything else. But he had been a hard man to be raised by. 'Kind' was not the word Sam would have used.

"Why would Dean react like that?" Castiel said suddenly, leaning forward and placing his elbows on the table, "he knows how important Jack is, he was supposed to look after him in my absence."

Sam raised his arms to the air and dropped them again.

"He blamed him. For your death, for Mom being lost. He told me as much. Well… yelled it at me." Sam shook his head. "But since Jack saved us from that shifter he's been better to him. And now that you're back," he gestured "You've seen how he is. He's actually nice. But he still doesn't talk to Jack if he can help it most of the time."

"I had noticed that. I thought perhaps he didn't want to frighten him."

"I think he's jealous," Sam said softly. The realisation only now hitting him.

Cas raised an eyebrow, "jealous?"

"Of you and Jack, how close you got so quickly."

"I don't-"

"You and Dean were really close, best friends. You two used to be the ones going off on your own, having your little talks." He smiled, almost sadly, he felt for his brother, he did, but Jack deserved this too. "Then, you died. And Jack was something he could fight, you know? He was something he could be against. The big bad we'd all expected him to be? That was what Dean clung onto, because if he was right then it would make things easier. Good and Evil. So we brought Jack in and Dean resented it, resented that Jack isn't evil, resented what that meant, that he was just a kid. And he was grieving and angry and…" he stopped.

"And?" Cas prompted, his expression unfathomable.

Sam was almost surprised to find his eyes filling up. It felt good, to talk to someone who didn't just shut him down, to talk to someone about this who cared about Dean as much as he did.

"It was bad, Cas," he said, his throat tight. "It was really bad." Then Sam cleared his throat and blinked hard and got back to the topic at hand. "Anyway," he said, "Then, you came back, and Dean, when he heard your voice on the phone, he must've…" Sam remembered the expression on his brother's face, the confusion, the fear and the tiniest spark of hope, "he must've had a picture in his head of how this would all go and reality just didn't sync up with that. I mean, have you two talked at all outside of mealtimes? Have you talked alone?"

Cas shifted guiltily, Sam backtracked.

"It's not your fault," he said quickly, "you're right that Jack needs you. But you're just getting to know Jack for the first time. Dean lost you. And you come back and you just, traded him in for Jack? And you and Jack just got so close so fast, it's no wonder he's jealous."

he paused at the expression on Cas' face, and reached over the table to pat him briefly on the shoulder.

"I'm not saying that's how it is. But that's just how Dean thinks, you know that."

Castiel sighed deeply. "I do. I guess I thought that if I acted like I had never left, it might start to feel that way. For all of us."

"Instead, it kinda feels like you never really came back." Sam said, sympathetically. That wasn't true of him of course, he thought it was sweet how protective Cas has had become in such a short time. But the cloud of depression that had settled on Dean's shoulders had barely shifted since that first night at the telephone booth. Nothing had changed except he was hiding it better. "I'm sorry, I know it sounds really harsh, and it sounds like I think you're deliberately ignoring him which I know isn't the case. I just…" he paused and shook his head. "Dean took it hard."

"He always does." Cas said quietly. He looked sad. "He's been through so much."

Sam leaned forward, speaking intently, "No, Cas. This was different. Look, I - I've seen Dean grieve before. I know his process by now. He takes it hard, he blames himself, he takes on layer after layer of guilt and he drinks until he passes out. He gets reckless, he wants to Hunt constantly and it builds and it builds until he explodes with everything he's feeling and he'll break down and punch a wall and scream and rage and trash his room. And then, he starts to heal, and he'll find something new to focus on and he gets better." Sam met Cas' eyes, "this wasn't like that."

"Dean is a lot more fragile than he expects himself to be." Cas said slowly. "Perhaps, losing two people at once sent him into a… different process."

"When Dad died, he destroyed his car with a tyre iron and then built it back up from scratch. When I died he went to the nearest crossroads and sold his soul for me. When Bobby died, and Charlie? He went on a rampage against Dick and the Steins. When Dean loses someone, he lashes out, he finds something to do. But losing Mom, losing you. He just… checked out. Like he didn't even care about trying to fix anything. Like he was just done. He told me he didn't believe in anything anymore."

The shadows on Cas' face darkened at these words.

"I've watched my brother accept going to Hell. I watched him remember when he got back. I've watched him fight the Mark of Cain and I watched him rage as a demon. So understand me when I tell you, that I have never been as worried about him as I have been since you died."

"What happened?" There was fear in Cas' voice, he asked the question tentatively, as though he really wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

"I didn't know what to do." Sam said, his own voice breaking. His eyes over-spilled and he wiped at the tears impatiently. "He stayed in his room, just drinking and staring at the wall. He barely came out, barely did anything but listen to music and drink. He avoided Jack like the plague and only spoke to me if I talked first. I tried fighting him on it, tried to force him to open up, like I always do. I disagreed with him and I told him off and I tried talking to him but nothing worked and I thought, maybe he doesn't need contradiction right now, maybe he needs something else. So I… I brought him beer and I found us a case and left Jack behind and I read reviews for a strip club and I let him be Agent Page and he was snoring on the floor with a bra around his neck but I'm not sure he even left the hotel for that long. I mean, I could have sworn I heard the car come back before midnight. I just tried so hard to cheer him up, you know? Even a little. But the crap he pulled on that case? I thought I'd lost him. For good."

"Tell me."

"It was a salt and burn kinda case, all we had to do was find the bodies. And sure, the ghosts were pissed but their bodies had to be in the house and we had iron and salt and we could have searched the place and we would have found them, but Dean, he said we had no time, that there was a better way and he… Cas, he killed himself."

Cas' entire body stiffened, his hands balled into fists on the table and his jaw clenched. Something flashed in the depths of his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, he pulled out a box with two syringes in it, told me to give him three minutes and plunged one into his heart." Sam looked up, past the angel, remembering the determination on Dean's face, the eager way he reached for death as he lay there, convulsing before finally falling still. "This wasn't an end of the world kind of case. We had two kids to find but we'd already taken care of the ghost of the doctor, so they weren't exactly in any more danger if they were still alive. The other ghosts were coming for us so it wouldn't have made a difference, we could have just searched the house."

Cas' knuckles were white, his face drained of colour, except for the shadows in those eyes.

"In the end, the second syringe didn't even work. I was calling for him and trying to get him to wake up and to breathe but he just kept laying there."

Sam took a deep breath, he was shaking, he realised. When had he started shaking?

"Then he just… woke up. The ghosts were gone, Dean told me that the kids were already dead, that Billie had taken care of the ghosts for him. But there was something about the way he acted. I think… I think he was disappointed. Like he hadn't wanted to come back."

There was silence then while Sam collected himself. Cas appeared to be doing the same, his brow creased, his eyes haunted.

"He's always been self-destructive," Sam continued, "and reckless, and he always does stupid things and doesn't think about the consequences. He's cut himself open to be bait for vampires, he's thrown himself in the way of blades and bullets. He's never backed down when things got dangerous, but it was always to protect people. To keep someone else safe. Even if he failed, or overreacted or went on a revenge-fuelled killing spree, he was protecting. But that? Who was he protecting then? He left me alone with his body in a house full of angry ghosts. If he'd found the kids alive, he couldn't have helped them like he could if he wasn't in the Veil. In that moment, he wasn't protecting anyone, Cas. He was finding an excuse to die!"

Sam buried his face in his hands, trembling. After a few moments, he felt a hand pat him gently on the shoulder.

"I'll talk to him," Cas promised, his own voice thick, "though I have no idea what I can say that can possibly make it better."

"Well if it helps," Sam said, managing a watery smile, "I don't think you can make it any worse."

So I'm unsure whether or not to leave this as a one shot or to write a second chapter. The main purpose of this fic was the Sam and Cas conversation because it's not like Dean would tell him the shit he pulled and I really wanted to see Cas' reaction to it.

I also wanted the awkwardness that there's bound to be now that Jack's part of the unit seeing as there isn't an established dynamic there, it's just gonna be kind of a mess.

What do you think? Should I leave it here? I'll leave it as incomplete for now because I may end up writing another chapter anyway. But feel free to let me know if you'd rather I marked it as complete.

What did you guys think of that episode huh? Did you love it as much as I did?

Love Tibbins xx