Saber folded her arms.

"I refuse. A king does not sell their body for gold! That would be disgraceful."

"Come on Saber!" Rin pleaded, "It's not like that! It's for the school fair! What do you think Rider?"

"Rin, I do not feel very comfortable… Perhaps Sakura would be more open to the idea?"

It was almost time for the school fair, the part of the year when academia needs currency and its students need a break, so both parties agree to give the other what they need. Now it just so happened that the student council had voted on one of the fundraisers to be auctioning off dates at the fair. Lovely candidates of all shapes and sizes were invited to be a part of the auction, with the male student body in particular casting a hopeful eye on the lovely ladies of the Emiya household. Unfortunately for them, it had seemed that they weren't about to see the house offer any candidates. Nobody in the family had felt the need to help out the auction. Nobody that is, save for the most troublesome one.

"Rin," Shirou said gently, "Maybe we should ask some other girls to be dates."

"What? Come on! Saber and Rider would Bring. In. That. Yen. We would be fools not to use them! What do you think Fujimura-sensei?"

From the kitchen, Fujimura clapped her hands in delight. It was so rare for her to be included in one of Rin's not-so-clandestine meetings in the living room.

"I think Saber and Rider would fetch a high price, don't you think Shirou?" she called.

"Well, yes. But Fuji-nee, that's not the point…"

"Rin." Saber said, crossing her arms, "If you are so concerned with making this… auction, a success, why not offer yourself and Sakura? I do not doubt you two would be deemed highly valuable yourselves."

Rin rolled her eyes. "I've already told you. Sakura's setting up an archery event for the fair, she doesn't have the time to be on a date."

"And what about you?"

"I'm going to be in charge of selling the wares at the auction and managing the dates. And I'm having Emiya-kun here help me out with dinner."

Saber's eyes narrowed into slits. Rin had said Shirou's name a little too sweetly for her taste.

Rider cast a sideways glance at Saber, watching her glare daggers at Rin's coy smile. When Saber closed her eyes and huffed, Rider realized she was planning something. By this point the two servants had become like sisters themselves, that look of deep concentration that pretended to be a look of calm always meant Saber had a plot in mind. She had been hanging around Archer too much.

"Fine." Saber finally said, "We accept."

Rider raised her eyebrows. She didn't remember acquiescing.

"On one condition." Saber added, " Shirou must be auctioned off with us."

"What?" Rider said.

"What?!" Rin yelled.

Shirou said nothing. His mind was still processing the idea.

And a long walk away near the shopping district, Sakura's finely honed senpai-senses were tingling, telling her it was time to hurry home.

Rin glared hard at Saber, her eyes screaming obscenities at the equally defiant king. The two continued their staring contest, filling the air with an overwhelming killing intent while the rest of those present could only wait in agony.

"Shirou! Do something!" Rider screamed… in her mind that is. They weren't telepathically connected, but it was worth trying anything to escape this hell. To her surprise, Shirou gave her a small, terrified nod.

"Um, Tohsaka." He said, using her last name again out of habit, "You know, I really don't mind."

Rin turned to him slowly. Very slowly. To the sound of nails on a chalkboard.

"What was that Emiya-kun? I didn't hear it right."

Rider's gaze flicked from Rin to Shirou. "Back down Shirou" she pleaded in her thoughts, "Wait for backup. Sakura's on her way. Don't be an idiot. Don't be an idiot."

"I mean, it's for the school right? I don't mind being a part of the auction if it means Saber and Rider will participate. It sounds fun."

Rider gulped. Saber was too far away to help, could she pull Shirou away to safety by herself if Rin decided to rip his head off?

Now it was Shirou's turn to be stared at, as Rin's face broke into the widest, scariest smile he had ever seen. Any moment now, Rin would reach out and pull Shirou's head from his body before Saber could even think of moving. It wasn't even a matter of if she'd do it, but when.

Rider scanned Rin carefully for any sign of movement. The lightest twitch, and Bellerophon swoops down and flies them to safety.

Rin sighed.

"...You know what? Fine. I'll sign you up too."

"Woah really? I mean- Yes, please do. Thank you, Rin."

"Hmph!" Rin pouted, as she slinked out of the room, defeated. Saber however, looked equally crushed. Her eyes were downcast, and her shoulders were heavy. She even had the beginnings of a blush in her cheeks.

"Saber? What's wrong?!" Shirou and Rider both asked.

"I… I did not think Rin would go through with it." she answered, her hands clasping together and her face turning crimson.

Suddenly the door slammed open, pulled aside with a hand so violent it would unnerve Berserker. Sakura flew into the room, fire in her eyes and steam in her ears. Normal respiration was not providing her the oxygen she needed, so she had taken to gulping down air, all to prepare for screaming the one plea she held in her heart.

"No Nee-san don't do it! Don't kill Senpai! I'm sure he didn't mean anythi... eh?"

Rin was not here.

Shirou scratched his head apologetically. Saber only looked at her with great sorrow in her emerald eyes. Rider broke the bad news.

"You're too late Sakura. Shirou is being auctioned off."

"What? No! He can't! Some floozy with too much money will… Will..."

"Sakura," Shirou said, "Don't you think you might be overreacting?"

"Overreacting? Senpai you cook, clean, do whatever anyone says, and have a six pack. Those evil women will rip you apart! D-don't worry though. I'll save you from Nee-san's machinations! Somehow!"

"Sakura? Sakura you don't have to cry-"

"WAAAAAAAHHHHH"

Barely indistinguishable from the wail of misery in the air was the sound of laughter emanating from their kitchen. Fujimura could barely hold on to her sides. Shirou had grown so popular. Oh if only Kiritsugu could see what's become of his boy!