"Gentlemen, thank you for your patience," said Harleen, addressing the suitors, who had all assembled in the great hall. "I know it's been a challenging few years for all of us, me especially…"

"You know, this isn't all about you," interrupted Luthor. "Some of us have been wasting a lot of time just to satisfy your whims. As I said to my ex-wife before she was stolen from me by the king of the gods, do you have any idea how much trouble I've gone through just for you? The fact that you're not on your knees in gratitude to us for our patience is a little rude, I must say."

"Uh…sure," said Harleen, slowly. "Because I asked you to come here and bother me with demands for marriage…anyway, it's time I ended your wait, and I have come up with, what I think, is a fair trial to decide who my next husband will be."

She drew aside a sheet to reveal several objects spread along a long table. They were comedy props. "The object of the trial is simple – whichever man among you who can make me laugh shall have my hand in marriage," she declared.

"That's it?" demanded Creeper. "Well, let's end this contest right now – in the words of a famous 90s boy band, 'it's gonna be me.' Just stand back, everyone, and prepare to have your sides split."

He cleared his throat. "So…what's the deal with hydras? It's like you cut one head off and three more grow in its place – what's up with that? Is there some magic trigger inside the neck that senses when its head's been sliced off? And how does flesh and bone grow that fast? Why wouldn't the regeneration process take a long time? Are we supposed to believe that this is some kinda magic monster who can just defy the laws of nature? C'mon, back me up here, folks."

Everyone just looked at him. "It's observational comedy, people, come on!" exclaimed Creeper. "Ok, let's try another one – what's up with centaurs? I mean, are they people or horses? How was the first centaur created, do we think about that? Which god do you think it was who had sex with a horse?"

"Aquaman!" shouted a voice from the crowd. "Because he's lame, and has had sex with animals before to father crocodile monster men!"

"Ok, you're done," interrupted Harleen, before Creeper could respond. "Next suitor, please!"

Luthor stood up. "I don't consider myself a comedian, but I'm obviously funnier than that guy," he said, nodding at Creeper. "Let's try some of these comedy props…how does this work?" he asked, examining a whoopie cushion.

"Oh gods, this is painful," muttered the same voice from the crowd, as Luthor picked up a set of chattering teeth and tried to insert them into his own mouth.

"Who are you to criticize me?" demanded Luthor, glaring into the audience.

"I'm nobody," chuckled the voice, as the man it belonged to approached him, dressed in a hooded purple robe. "To repeat an oldie but goodie gag. Just an old beggar who's wandered into this palace looking for some food. But if the challenge is comedy, I reckon I could defeat all you young whippersnappers. I was quite the comedian in my day."

"Well, that day is obviously past," retorted Luthor. "Plus the prize in this comedy contest is for Harleen's hand in marriage, and she will not be considering old beggars…"

"Actually, I might," interrupted Harleen. "As long as he can make me laugh. That was the challenge, not age or wealth or even physical attractiveness, although something tells me this beggar might just have a lot going for him under that robe," she added, with a small smile.

"I'm flattered that you think that, your majesty, but maybe don't say things like that since it might spoil the joke and all," replied the beggar. "So, I just gotta make you laugh, huh? That shouldn't be too difficult. I may not know much, but I know that everyone loves slapstick. It's the universal language of comedy, people getting hurt. There's no one who doesn't laugh at a good punch in the face. For instance…"

He seized a boxing glove attached to a bow on the table, and suddenly shot it straight into Luthor's face. The glove collided with his face with a satisfying crack, and Harleen burst into laughter as the blood sprayed from his nose.

"You…how dare you?!" shouted Luthor, recovering from his shock. One hand cupped his nose while the other reached for his sword.

This was suddenly shot out of his hand by an arrow. Everyone turned to see Arleen and J.J. standing by the doorway, both holding loaded bows. "Stay in your seats, everyone – the show's just getting started," said Arleen, grinning.

"It sure is," said the beggar, removing his hood. Everyone gasped in shock as the smiling face of the Joker was revealed. "And for my next gag, death by dentistry. Catch!" he exclaimed, tossing the chattering teeth at Creeper, who caught it.

"Gee, thanks!" he exclaimed. "But I don't get the death part…"

The teeth suddenly exploded in his hand, leaving only a smoking crater amid a hail of body parts. Harleen continued to giggle hysterically as the suitors began panicking, some trying to flee to be met with the twins' arrows, and some trying to attack Joker, who threw off his robe to reveal his sword and an array of weapons.

"This is for bothering my wife!" he shouted, cutting down one suitor. "This is for trying to replace me!" he continued, slicing apart another. "And this is for your terrible, terrible taste in women, Lex," he added, stabbing Luthor in the heart. "Plus that whole ten year war that led to my absence in the first place. Jerk."

"Can I join in, puddin'?" asked Harleen.

"Sure, sweets, grab a weapon," he said.

"I call whoopie cushion!" she exclaimed, grabbing it.

"Mmm, good choice!" chuckled Joker. "Aim and fire it!"

Harleen obeyed, pressing down on the cushion and releasing a cloud of poisonous gas straight at a group of suitors. "I got the toxin idea from Crane!" shouted Joker, as he continued to cut down suitors with his sword. "He needs to die too, by the way, because he tried to kill me!"

"I'll summon him back, saying I choose him as my husband," replied Harleen. "Then you can kill him, maybe with another comedy routine."

"I think using the poisonous gas on him would only be fair," agreed Joker. "You know what the funny thing is? We're probably gonna see all these guys again in the afterlife unless we pay for their crossing – they are gonna be bothered by Batman forever, and isn't that justice after all the crap they gave you?"

"It sure is, puddin'," agreed Harleen, seizing a spear and sinking it into a suitor's eye.

"Dad, do you think we're gonna face any repercussions from this slaughter?" asked J.J., as he shot repeating bolts around the room.

"What, for defending my property against a bunch of uninvited gatecrashers?" asked Joker. "I'd say it falls under the heading of my rights as an American…I mean a Greek. Anyway, you can't spell slaughter without laughter, and who doesn't enjoy a good laugh?"

"If anything, this should be a warning for everyone not to bring repercussions over this," said Arleen, firing arrow after arrow into the crowd. "If four of us can take out a hundred and seven guys on our own, that doesn't bode well for anyone trying to attack us. Especially since J.J. and I specialize in range weapons – we could pick off any army approaching the island before they could even dock."

"It might mean a sort of self-imposed isolationism, though," said J.J.

"Suits me," retorted Joker. "I've seen enough weird strangers to last me a lifetime. Plus I can't ever go out on the sea again with Aquaman still gunning for me. But that's fine by me – I got a lotta catching up to do right here with my wife and kids."

"So…a happy ending after all," sighed Harleen, looking around at the blood-spattered room and the sea of bodies, and smiling. "Our family is reunited, the suitors are dead, and all is right with the world."

"You can say that again, toots," said Joker, embracing her. "And no immortal freak god is gonna come between us ever again. Except probably Batman when we die, but I'm actually looking forward to taking him on again."

"You met Batman, Dad?" asked Arleen, surprised.

"What were you doing in Gotham?" asked Harleen.

"And how did you escape?" asked J.J.

"Well, it's a long story," said Joker, taking a seat on his throne again. His family gathered around him, and he told the story I just finished telling you right now.

"Woah, meta," said J.J. in real life, nodding. "Nice, Dad."

"Thank you," said Joker, taking a bow. "Boy, that epic story took longer than I thought," he added, checking his watch. "I'm starving – when's dinner, toots?"

"I dunno," said Harley, shrugging. "I haven't had time to make anything because I've been listening to your story."

There was a knock on the door, and Harley went to open it. "Hi, Harley – I brought you some flour-free, meat-only pizzas for dinner," said Poison Ivy, entering with several boxes. "As a little peace offering for whatever it is I'm meant to have done…"

"Aw, you ain't done nothing, Red – Mr. J was just telling a story where you were wanting to sleep with him," said Harley.

"Did the story involve hell freezing over?" asked Ivy.

"No, hell was Gotham, so it was already frozen," retorted Joker, grabbing a pizza box from her. "Though I gotta say, I do like your pizzas, toots – you can always improve everything by getting rid of the vegetables. Present company included," he added with a grin.

"Yeah, who wouldn't wanna sleep with that?" asked Ivy, sarcastically.

"My thoughts exactly," purred Harley, kissing Joker's cheek.

"Auntie, if you don't mind, I'd kinda like to get some biology homework done before dinner," spoke up J.J. "If you're in the mood…for helping me…"

"Of course, J.J.," said Ivy. "When am I not in the mood to help you? Let's go," she said, as they headed for his room.

"I could probably use some homework help too…" began Arleen.

"No, I work best when I study alone," interrupted J.J., hastily. "Just go eat dinner with Mom and Dad, sis. We'll join you shortly."

Arleen shrugged, grabbing a pizza and heading to the dinner table. "I think Aunt Ivy prefers J.J. to me," she said.

"Don't be silly – your auntie loves both of you equally," said Harley, firmly. "Just like your parents do."

"But they're always studying together," said Arleen.

"Take it as a compliment, sweets – your brother needs more help in school than you do," replied Joker. "Means you're smarter than him, but don't tell him I said that."

"I won't, Daddy," said Arleen, with a smile. "Or if I do, I'll save it for a special occasion when he's really being a jerk, and then I'll hit him with it."

"That's my girl," said Joker, nodding. "Delivering punchlines with perfect comic timing, so as to inflict maximum damage. I really have taught you well. And these are things they just don't teach in school. I mean, epic works of literature are all very well, but how's that gonna apply to real life? It's not like anyone is actually stupid enough to go out and insult a god, or fight a god, or surround themselves with freaks and weirdos…"

He trailed off, checking his watch again. "Holy Batman, I'm late!" he exclaimed, standing up. "I'm meeting Harvey at the Gotham Mint in two minutes – we're gonna lure Bats inside like the dumb rodent he is, and then blow it up!"

"Have fun!" said Harley, kissing him before he raced off. "What?" she asked, noticing Arleen looking at her.

"Nothing, Mom," replied Arleen with a grin. "Nothing at all."

The End