AUTHOR'S NOTE:

1. The primary continuity is MCU but only up to Homecoming. This story goes full retroactive continuity on Deadpool. We're more comic than movie verse but not really that either. To make this AU work, his origins are completely changed.

2. There will be no romance to speak of in here so if you were looking for that flavor of Deadpool and Spiderman, you're in the wrong place.

3. If you're looking for a quirky AU that involves some humor, drama and angst, pull up a chair and sit a spell. That's where we're going.

"For us believing physicists, the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion." – Albert Einstein

Chapter 1 – Summer Camp

Nerd nirvana, Ned Leeds bedroom had all the trappings of a post-millennial super-nerd whose parents could spare a reasonably generous weekly allowance. Posters filled the walls, some retro-cool like his Bobba Fet portrait, others more current like his new Stranger Things lithograph. An entire corner was Lego land, where his favorite kits resided in various states of assembly. Ignoring the beautiful array of toys and games, Ned and Peter crouched together over a crumpled flyer with an enthusiastic heading, Summer Science Fun Camps.

"You don't understand," Peter said. "May is all up in arms about this life balance stuff. She's mad that I quit band and robotics lab to make time to be Spider-Man. The school sent the summer activities schedule to her directly, so she knows about all of it and she expects some reasonable level of participation from me."

"It's not exactly the end of the world, Peter," Ned said. "I'll be taking the robotics day camp, so you could do that with me?"

"Right. Did you see the buy in for that camp? We can't afford that. I'm thinking the chemistry camp would maybe be enough to satisfy her. I like chemistry, and the buy in isn't that bad." Peter circled the chemistry camp bullet item. "If she wants me to do one other, I could do the physics thing they're having for the fourth of July."

"You know that's basically build-a-rocket weekend, right?" Ned said. "I'm so signing up for that."

Peter circled the physics event and grinned. "I did not know that, but it sounds like a useful life skill."

"For terrorists and masked vigilantes both," Ned said. "So May, she's really okay with the Spider-Man stuff?"

With a shrug and a half-smile Peter started packing away his things. "Okay enough." May was not okay with the Spider-Man stuff, but their fight about it reached an impasse that neither had been willing to take farther. May wasn't going to throw him out even if he refused to stop, and Peter wasn't going to stop, even if she threw him out.

They compromised and now Peter was responding to text messages within thirty minutes unless he wanted her blowing up Tony Stark's phone looking for him. He was not dropping any more classes or extracurricular activities to make time for Spider-Man. Last but not least, he was not allowed to lie to her anymore. If he couldn't be honest with her about what Spider-Man was getting up to, then she couldn't deal with the situation. It was sort of working for them so far.

"Don't forget Decathlon. It's the last meeting of the year and recruitment push for next year. We need to support MJ in her new captaincy, yeah?" Ned walked Peter to the door and they exchanged their handshake with the easy flow of a gesture they'd been making almost daily since junior high.

"See you tomorrow, Ned."

Gaining superpowers like super-hearing or vision sounded really cool when you were reading about them in comics. In reality, they made life a lot more complicated and sometimes painful. Preparing for the walk home, Peter shoved in his ear buds and turned on some music, a nice buffer against the world of sounds on a New York City street. It did nothing to filter the visual assault that would be waiting for him, but dealing with one sense at a time was way more manageable.

Letting the flow of pedestrians lead him along, Peter registered little blips on his other sense that got a work out walking the streets. His spider-sense as he had dubbed it liked to keep him abreast of imminent danger, like his very own tsunami early warning system. Unfortunately, that sense seemed to be very short sighted, only giving a few seconds warning before the action started. It also seemed determined to warn him about something twenty-four seven lately. An icy tickle down his spine had all the hairs on his arms turning up with goose pimples, but the sensation wasn't any stronger than it had been for the last month, so Peter ignored it and tried to get lost in the music while he walked.

He had mentioned the phenomenon to Mr. Stark. After a bit of testing, Peter had accepted his theory that the spider-sense was maybe becoming more acute and registering things that were more subtle threats creating the constant stimulation. It was the best idea they had for the moment.

Once inside his apartment building, the annoying buzz of his spider-sense faded back to almost nothing. The apartment smelled like May was cooking, in other words it smelled a little smoky. "May, I'm home," Peter announced.

"It's about time." May came out of the kitchen, spatula in hand. "This is a no-patrol night. I thought we agreed. Where have you been?"

"I just stopped by Ned's after school. We were discussing what summer activities we might sign up for." Peter offered her the flier as though she hadn't already seen it. "Do you think those two would be okay?"

May glanced at his choices and frowned. "What about robotics? I thought you liked robotics and you were good at it. Maybe you should get back involved in that? You definitely have time for that this summer, or you could rejoin the band. I liked your trumpet playing. I know the neighbors upstairs were never fans, but you weren't bad. Music is good for the soul."

"I picked the activities that I want to do. Chemistry and physics are two of my favorite classes." When May didn't back down, Peter argued what he hadn't wanted to mention. "We can't afford the Robotics camp. Over a thousand dollars for a two week day camp? It's ridiculous. And you know I love music, but we both know I'm never going to be very good at making it."

"Money is not an object when it comes to your education. You have a scholarship," May countered firmly. "We may as well get this out of the way, but I had a talk with your, mentor, Tony Stark. "He agreed that he ought to invest as much in Peter Parker as he already has in Spider-Man."

"You extorted Mr. Stark?" Peter asked.

"We had a conversation. There wasn't any extortion involved." May waved her stunned nephew toward the bathroom. "Get cleaned up. Dinner is ready."

A surprising percentage of the student body showed up to the last Decathlon meeting of the year. Mr. Harrington started things off with an introduction about how prestigious and important this club was before introducing MJ as the captain and turning the podium over to her.

"So, yeah, we'll be holding tryouts for next year's team in the first week of school. We like to have specialists in the major sciences and humanities. The returning members are not guaranteed a spot on next year's team, but they're all good, so if you want to take a spot, you're going to need to work. Anyone who's interested can sit in on the practice this afternoon and get information on what to study over the summer afterwards." She nodded to the new students and turned to the current team. "Peter and Ned vs Cindy and Abraham, let's do this."

It was fun teaming up with Ned and dominating at a game they were both excellent at. The questions were fairly physics heavy and that was Peter's specialty. Flash rolled his eyes every time Peter chimed in with a correct answer, but it wasn't anything new. Flash's specialty was physics too, but he hadn't been able to match Peter head to head in two years trying.

By the time practice was over, Peter was feeling tired and overstimulated from listening closely and buzzing and trying extra hard for MJ's sake. He and Ned hung around until the newbies had left and the rest of the team too.

"Thanks for the effort," MJ said. "It set a good tone. Peter, for the record, if you don't have better attendance next year, I'm not keeping you on the team, I don't care how much math you can do in your head."

"Don't get all mad with power," Ned said. "Peter has turned over a new leaf with his extracurricular activities."

"Yeah, well, May turned a leaf over for me, but I'll be there," Peter said. "Are you going to be in any of the summer school activities?"

"Nah, I'll be spending the summer with my grandparents in the country. Mom thinks it's good for me to get out of the city, experience nature at least once a year." In one of those rare moments when MJ didn't seem absolutely sure of herself she offered the boys an invitation. "If you guys want to come upstate some time this summer just text me. It's an organic vegetable farm. It's really pretty."

Peter couldn't help smiling at the thought of having another place he was welcome upstate. Maybe the Avengers and MJ's grandparents were neighbors?

"That would be awesome," Ned said. "Except, well, I've never been to the country. I mean how rural are we talking?"

"It's upstate New York, not the movie Deliverance," MJ said. She shot him a one fingered salute for insinuating that her grandparents were scary rednecks. "Whatever, I've got to go."

MJ was already halfway to the door when Peter spoke up. "I'll have to ask my aunt, but it sounds fun." She gave him his own one finger salute on her way out the door, but she looked back and smiled so he knew she didn't mean it, not really.

Gearing up to walk out with Ned, Peter's spider-sense popped to life early, a chill that made him shiver. "Ned, watch out. Something's wrong."

The early warning system was nice, but only a few seconds didn't necessarily lend itself to massively strategic planning. Suddenly, projectiles were flying and Peter was barely able to roll out of the line of fire. Ned wasn't so lucky. He turned to Peter, a dart stuck in his neck, like a zebra on a nature documentary, he toppled to the floor.

Moving quickly to avoid the next volley of darts, Peter scampered, scanning for the enemy. "Who's there?" Peter shouted. If Ned weren't laying there unprotected, Peter could run for cover and at least get suited up.

With an acrobatic leap the likes of which Peter rarely got to see since he was usually the one performing them, the attacker dropped out of the stage's rigging equipment. A pair of guns clenched in both hands, he was wearing a striking red and black bodysuit, a couple of samurai swords on his back and a mask that sported a pair of white eyes that reminded Peter more than a little of his spider-suit.

Not thinking much past protecting Ned, Peter moved to stand between the crazy guy and his unconscious friend. "Hey, we're just a couple of kids. What do you want?"

"Oh bunny rabbit, I know who you are. If you want to keep your roundish friend there breathing, stand still and take your medicine."

Not seeing a way to both dodge the incoming darts and protect Ned, Peter let them strike him in the chest. Numbness spread rapidly from the darts' point of impact and he didn't maintain his feet for long. Standing over him, the maniac in red reloaded the dart pistols.

"Are we still awake, bunny rabbit? Don't worry I brought plenty of medicine." He fired two more darts into the prone teen's back. Then Peter didn't know anything for a long while.

The Parker family had experienced more than its fair share of tragedy, death and destruction. You might think they would get a break statistically at least. One plane crash plus one murder plus one genetically contagious spider bite should equal a couple of generations of peace and quiet at least, May reasoned. Her nephew could have explained to her that one statistically improbable event didn't stop the next bad thing from happening. It wasn't how statistics worked.

Finding out Peter's Spider-Man secret had left May angry and shocked, but strangely relieved too. After months of wondering what his deal really was, she knew. Her kid wasn't on drugs or a criminal or in a gang. He was a hero. When he got himself killed in a fit of adolescent stupidity, he would probably be attempting a noble endeavor. The thought didn't make her feel better.

It was normal to worry about your kid. If your kid was Spider-Man you basically lived life at DEFCON 3, always mentally preparing for the next disaster. When May got home from work before Peter, she didn't worry any more than usual. He had decathlon practice today and probably went home with Ned again, or even went on Spider-Man patrol. If Peter wasn't home by his curfew, she would call or text, not a second sooner.

May put a pot on to boil for noodles and clicked on the TV, less for entertainment than for the noise and maybe she left it on one of the twenty-four hour cable news channels in case there was any breaking news involving Spider-Man.

Her phone vibrated and May peeked at the notification, then promptly dropped the package of chicken she had been about to open. It was from Midtown Science and Technology.

Did Peter Parker make it home safely from school today? Please respond to this text message, yes, no or unknown. This text number is only monitored by a bot. It cannot answer questions. Further information will be available at the school website.

When the school sent out its disaster protocol, these head counts were phase one of the recovery process. Something had happened at the school and they were trying to get a location on all the unaccounted for students. Disaster encompassed a wide array of things from an unsubstantiated bomb threat to a mass shooting. It took May entirely too long to type out unknown with shaking hands. Not bothering with texts, she called Peter. Whatever had happened at school Peter had probably thrown himself in the middle of it. His voicemail beeped at her and she left a less than composed message requesting an immediate call back.

The stupid website wouldn't come up for her, crashed under the sudden influx of parents looking for information. Another text message came through from the school.

Please stay home. If your child/children are accounted for, please leave the website clear for parents trying to locate students. Critical messages will be filtered through the PTA Facebook page until the school website is back online.

The news broadcast caught May's attention even as she tried to get on the PTA Facebook page. "Breaking news from New York City's Midtown School of Science and Technology. After classes had ended for the day, a shooter infiltrated the auditorium where a school meeting had recently ended. It is unknown if any students remained at the time of the attack or if anyone was injured. Stay tuned for further details as they become available."

Just like that, May skipped DEFCON 2 and went straight to 1. She started texting everyone she could think of then calling them for good measure including Happy Hogan and Tony Stark.

Most people would say that Deadpool's teleportation portal was silent, but Blind Al would disagree. It had a whisper of a click like a large button being depressed. She liked that it wasn't silent, that she got a little warning when her captor had decided to drop in.

Over the years, Wade Wilson had brought home some interesting stuff. Today he outdid himself. Singing a Christmas carol under his breath, he dumped a suspiciously large bundle onto the couch. Al was pretty certain it was springtime at least, but considering that she was locked away in a madman's lair, it might very well be winter. She would have a hard time proving it one way or another.

"A present for me?" Al asked. "You shouldn't have."

"Present? Please. This here is going to be our new roommate. His name is Peter. He's a bit younger than you, Al so I'm going to require some more severe measures to keep him tethered up good."

Al could hear a screwdriver going and clicking metal and buzzing electronics. "A new roommate that's younger than me? Are we talking sixty? Thirty? Twenty? And what the Hell did this Peter do to get a ticket to hotel Deadpool?"

"Oh Al, twenty really? What do you take me for? He's fifteen, maybe. You'll explain the rules to him when he wakes up, yes?"

"Wade! You can't kidnap some kid and lock him up here." Al could still hear the power tools at work. "This isn't like keeping me captive. I'm an old woman." I deserve it for the things I've done, went unspoken.

"You might want to watch it with telling me what I can and can't do." The drill was suddenly whirring rather close to her face. "I'll be back in a little while, letter to deliver. Peter should wake up in a day or two. I darted him with a shit ton of ketamine. It's too bad you're blind. He's a cute little rabbit when he sleeps."

Al worked her way over to the couch and she used her hands to determine if Deadpool had been bluffing about the kid's age. "A fucking kid," she confirmed under her breath. She traced her hands over the young man looking for injuries. She found some rather massive metal cuffs that ran from the kids elbows to his wrists. Similar cuffs covered his legs from his knees to his ankles but they didn't seem to be anchored to anything. With a sigh, Al worked her way to the kitchen and set a pot on to boil.

A cup of tea would make her feel better even if it wouldn't do anything about the new curve ball Wade's psychotic brain had decided to throw out.

The security system in the Avenger's Compound had just enough time to register an intruder when Deadpool popped into Tony's Stark's private living quarters via teleportation portal. He affixed a single sheet of paper to the refrigerator, tossed a jaunty wave at the nearest camera, and slipped out via another portal.

On the back of the flier for Summer Science Fun Camps, Deadpool had created his own flier. He had doodled cute little Deadpool and Spider-Man cartoons around the printing, along with generous hearts and stars.

DEADPOOL's First Annual Super Hero Sleep Away Camp

The bunny rabbit is staying with me this summer.

If you want me to send him home.

Clean up your house.

Asshole.