Sirius Black would never go near his godson's soiled diapers, would he? I even wrote a fic once in which he explicitely states that! It really was just a question of time for me to put him into exactly that situation ;p Part of my "Would Never" fic series.

What A Man Must Do

xxx

A cock was crowing.

Sirius groaned and buried his face in the pillow. Fuck Merlin's arse, couldn't a guy return from an Order mission late at night and crash at his best friend's in peace?

Then he realized that the sound was too high-pitched and persistent to come from an animal. He flopped onto his back with a groan, throwing an arm over his face.

"Lily," he called. "Your baby's crying."

No answer. And Harry's screaming intensified by the minute.

Sirius cracked his eyes open and yawned. "Oh, fuck," he muttered, then he pushed the covers back and stumbled out of bed.

Why the guest room was adjacent to the nursery would forever remain a mystery to him, but as he opened the connecting door, it became at least clear why the child's parents weren't here yet: the room's main door was closed. Sirius ran his hands over his face with a sigh and went over to the cradle where little Harry was still lamenting his fate.

"Hey, duckling," he said to the fussing infant. "What's with all the noise, huh?"

The baby quieted down somewhat at the sound of his voice. Big, tear-filled green eyes squinted up at him, but when nothing happened, the screaming restarted at full volume.

Sirius reached into the cradle to pick the wriggling infant up - and yanked his hand back as if he'd burned it when his fingers touched soaking wet cloth. "Oh, you're kidding me," he said, glancing at the door in growing desperation. There was still no sign of James or Lily, but he felt loath to leave the distressed child alone to go out in search for his parents.

He eyed the changing table warily. Okay now, don't panic. He'd seen Lily do this a couple of times, and even James claimed to have changed his son's nappies before. It couldn't be that hard, could it?

Come on, Black, you've faced down Death Eaters. Be a man!

Quickly, before he could lose his nerve, he reached into the cradle, grabbed the soggy infant and deposited him squarely on the changing pad. As soon as Harry's back touched the surface he stopped crying, put his fist into his mouth and blinked up at his godfather in obvious expectation.

"Okay, pal," Sirius said, leaning over him. "I'll say it clear: I have no idea how this works, and frankly, I don't want to do it. But I'll try my best, so I want you to bear with me. Deal?"

Harry gurgled his approval.

Opening the push buttons on the baby's sleepsuit was the easy task. Sirius did his best to touch as little of the soiled cloth as possible as he turned the baby to and fro, extricating the tiny arms and legs from the fabric. Harry stayed surprisingly docile, sucking his little fist and watching intently. Finally, with a sigh of relief, Sirius dropped the damp sleepsuit into the hamper.

That left the wet nappies, and hell, he was so not going to touch those. He winked at Harry.

"Wanna see something cool, cub?"

He pointed two fingers, frowning slightly in concentration. "Evanesco," he said, and the diaper vanished into thin air without any fuss. Sirius beamed proudly at his godson. "Neat, huh? Soon as you're old enough, I'm gonna show you how - woah!"

He took a flying leap backwards, just in time to dodge the stream of urine the baby emitted, tiny face perfectly straight. If he hadn't known better, Sirius would have bet his right hand that Harry had waited for this exact moment just to play him for a sucker.

"You know, for such a tiny thing, you sure piss like a racehorse," he told him as he dumped a generous amount of baby powder on the infant's behind, mumbling a quick "Tergeo" to get rid of the mess on the floor. Harry cooed softly, then fussed a bit as Sirius struggled to wrap him in a fresh diaper.

"Can you stop kicking for a sec?" he pleaded, wiping imaginary sweat from his brow. Damn, it was like wrestling with the Giant Squid!

He was pretty sure that the nappy was the wrong way round when he finally got it fixated, but whatever. Foregoing a fresh sleepsuit, he snatched a woolen blanket from the cradle and wrapped Harry up in it unceremoniously before he cradled him against his shoulder. "There," he said. "Problem solved. Now let's go find your mommy - and don't you dare to chuck up on me!"

He carried the baby downstairs and found the kitchen door ajar. A scent of bacon and coffee wafted through the hallway, accompanied by the sound of laughing voices and the clatter of cutlery, and Sirius felt a sudden, irrational surge of anger.

"Yeah, that's how I like it," he said as he pushed the door open, finding three quarters of the Marauders plus Lily assembled around the kitchen table. "Five people in the house, and I seem to be the only one with ears."

All four of them looked up in surprise. "Hey, good morning, you two," Lily said, rising from her chair with an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Pads, I didn't hear him. Did he wake you?"

"You bet," Sirius groused. "He was screaming his head off. Are you all deaf?"

"Things got a bit noisy down here, so we closed the doors to not disturb you," James said.

Yeah, well, that had worked out. He shifted the baby in his arms to give Lily better access as she peeked under the blanket. "Was he wet?" she asked.

"Soaking," Sirius said. "I had to change him."

Silence. They stared at him as if he'd grown a second head, and Peter whistled softly through his teeth. "Wow," he said. "Way to go, Pads!", and James had a grin on his face that looked nothing short of wicked. "Hey, what was that about you telling me you'd rather swear celibacy than come near his diapers?" he said, rubbing his chin as he pretended to give the matter some thought.

"Fuck off, Prongs," Sirius growled, longing for a free hand to add an appropriate gesture. They were all grinning by now, he realized, even Lily. And Remus had that mischievous little twinkle in his eyes, the one that told Sirius that he hadn't heard the last of this by far.

He became suddenly, acutely aware that he was naked to the waist, with nothing between him and his friends than a baby in a woolen blanket. He held the child a bit closer, and Harry made a cooing noise in response and drooled on his shoulder.

"Come on, you two," Lily prompted, patting his arm. "Let's go get you presentable, hm? James, could you make some more bacon? And prepare Harry's bottle?"

"And while you're at it," Sirius added pleasantly, scenting a chance of revenge, "make yourself useful and put on some coffee."

James looked rather indignant. "Hey, am I the butler or what?"

"Take it like a man, Prongs," Remus said. His eyes caught and held Sirius' over the rim of his tea cup, a soft, sly smile parting his lips, and Sirius felt the answering Marauder grin on his face as he shifted the baby to his opposite shoulder.

Maybe the day still had a chance to shape up quite well.

*Fin*

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters belong to Mrs Rowling, and I do not make any money with this fic.