I'm back and doing a little better than last time I posted! I'll be out of town on the 14th so I had to have this finished in time to post before-hand so if it seems a little rushed, I apologize. I had originally planned to write something cute with happy Ciel and Sebby, but instead I wrote angst AGAIN. I plan to make a happy Christmas fic to continue on my 'Life of Two Demons' series though, so hopefully that will make up for the lack of cheerfulness in this one. I want to say a special thank you to ChromeHoplite of Ao3 and Riaries from FF for the comments they left on 'Loss', they were so kind and understanding, it helped cheer me up a lot. I hope everyone enjoys this story, and happy birthday Ciel! (Title from In My Veins by Andrew Belle)

The world is a cruel place, that's something I learned exactly six years ago today.

Snow fell heavily outside of the frosted window behind the desk in my study, blanketing both the trees and ground in the powdery substance.

The wind howled quietly, sending small, hollowed branches falling from the trees and onto the frigid ground below.

The sky was clouded with wisps of dark grey, dulling the light seeping in through the glass barrier.

The cold air seemed to radiate off of the crystal-like surface, sending a chill up my spine as I sat in silence in the red, plush seat of my chair.

My elbows rested on my desk as I leaned over it to better see the paper I held in my right hand, something I would probably be scolded for if Sebastian were to walk in and notice me slouched in such a way, "It will make your back hurt," he had told me before.

My head rested against my left palm while my eyes slowly scanned over the stack of unsigned paperwork, internally groaning.

There must be at least one hundred!

The completed pile was significantly smaller, only about sixty papers were in the stack, though it felt like it had taken hours to read each one.

Some of them might have taken hours to read.

The page in hand had already been read six times and I was still unsure what it was about.

Nothing about it was complicated; it was a simple description of the new Funtom Christmas candy meant to arrive in London shops in a few days, but none of the words written were registering in my distracted mind.

I'm sixteen today, the years have gone by faster than I ever imagined they would.

Only seven years ago I celebrated my birthday with my family; my parents, Aunt Ann, the Midfords, in fact, I even remember Undertaker being there.

Everything was bright and I was happy, a large Fir already placed in the far corner of the largest of our sitting rooms, white lights giving the room a warm glow to it, decorated with red, velvet ribbons, and countless, shining ornaments of every colour imaginable.

"The perfect Christmas tree," Madam Red always said.

My parents sat side by side on the couch placed just to the left side of the fireplace, facing an identical one across from it where Alex and Francis Midford sat.

Madam Red sat in the wing-backed chair placed across from the fireplace, a little further away from the couples, but still close enough to join the conversation, while Edward and Elizabeth played cards at a table by the window on the other side of the room as Undertaker watched them, finding their confusion about the game funnier than it was.

My mother had picked me up from where I sat beside her, letting me sit on her lap and braid small pieces of her hair as she talked to my aunt, staring down at me adoringly while my father ruffled my hair with a smile smile on his face.

Francis scoffed at the action and hurried over to straighten my hair, earning a laugh from her husband.

"I think it's about time to open your birthday gifts, don't you, love?" Rachel smiled, tapping my nose gently.

I nodded vigorously with a grin, "Yes, mother!"

She placed me between her and father, who stood up to set a small pile of presents beside me, handing me one at a time.

Elizabeth and Edward joined us soon after with Undertaker in tow; Elizabeth bounced in place happily when I opened the gift she had picked, while Edward scowled at being ignored by his sister when he was still telling her about the bird he had seen in London the day prior.

Undertaker, who had gifted me a small black cloak earlier in the day, that looked nearly identical to the one he wore daily, sat down beside Francis who glared at his silver hair as if her fiery look would force it into submission.

Small candies, toys, and coats filled the space beside me as I opened the presents excitedly, and then came the last gift.

"Your mother is usually much better at choosing gifts for you, but this one I picked out myself," Vincent offered me a small, royal blue wrapped box.

I took it in my small hands, tearing off the paper quickly, eyes widening when I opened the lid of the box to reveal a gold ring that bared the Phantomhive crest, perfectly matching the one he wore on his right hand.

"It's just like yours, father!" I gasped in disbelief, eyeing it in amazement.

"It is. Do you like it?" he tilted his head, a proud look in his eyes as mother took it out of the box and helped me slide it on my right thumb.

"I love it! Thank you, father!" I wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him while I admired the gold ring on my finger.

He picked me up, "You're welcome, son. It's a little too big for your other fingers right now, but you'll grow into it."

I laid my head against his shoulder as tiredness set in.

"Are you tired, Ciel?" my mother asked, placing a hand delicately over my back.

I simply nodded my head in response, watching over father's shoulder as Angelina rose from her seat, "I could take him upstairs to bed, if you'd like?"

"Are you sure, Angelina? He won't go to bed without a story," the blue haired man tilted his head in question.

My red haired aunt nodded and held out her arms, "I'm quite sure, I like to tell him stories,"

"If you're sure," he lifted me up, brushing a hand through my hair and bidding me goodnight, before passing me over to my aunt.

My mother stood up to place a kiss on my cheek, "Thank you, sister. Goodnight, Ciel."

Angelina smiled softly as I curled closer to her, ascending the grand staircase with ease.

She sat me down on the bed in my large bedroom, quickly changing me into my nightgown, and pulling the blankets up to my shoulders, sitting down on the edge of my mattress when she was finished.

I stared up at her groggily, "Aunt Ann, will you read me a story?"

She tapped her chin in contemplation, "How about a song tonight instead? It's something that my mother used to sing to me and your mother when we were young."

She started to sing after I nodded, "Ding dong, ding dong, ringing of the bells. A charm meant to keep you from losing your way..."

Her quiet, melodious voice filled the room, lulling me into a dream state as she continued to sing, combing her hand through my hair as she did, until I had fallen asleep.

The last thing I felt were soft lips pressed against my forehead, "Goodnight, little lord."

Thinking about that night now, I wish I would have forced myself to stay awake longer, for it was the last birthday I would ever spend in their company.

The last birthday I would celebrate.

Without realizing it, I had fallen into a daze, losing myself in that distant memory, only now realizing that I had unknowingly dropped the paper I had been holding back onto the desk.

I shook my head, hoping to disperse the dampness that had clouded my vision and clear my mind enough to finish at least half of the paperwork remaining and still be able to act normal for the dinner Elizabeth insisted that I host so that those who wished to celebrate my birthday could do so.

Despite the fact that I myself didn't care anything about it; it will never be the same, it's time for them to stop trying to imitate the years that left long ago.

After managing to rub away the stinging feeling in my eyes and finish signing off on ten more papers, I gave up for the day.

It's best to wait until I can focus better.

I stood from my chair, turning to face the window and the world outside.

The bushes were wilted and the barren tree limbs were weighed down by the thick icicles that adorned the branches.

No animals could be seen, all having sought shelter from the Winter weather, much like the sun.

I dropped my gaze from the window, examining the fire dancing lazily in the fireplace instead.

I gravitated towards the warmth, abandoning the snow-rimmed glass I once stood by in favour of standing before the glowing embers, watching them flicker and wave atop the pile of wood inside the stone enclosure.

I stared intently at the blazing logs, the smell of burning Yew-wood reaching my nose when I took a step closer to better warm my freezing hands.

Instead of continuing to stand and watch the crackling firewood, I took a few steps back to sit on the forest green, velvet cushioned couch, though the heat didn't reach me as well here.

I chewed on my lip as I sank back into my memories, trying to remember what the last thing they said to me was.

"You're growing up so fast, you look so much like your father already," I remember my mother saying with teary eyes as my father wrapped an arm around her shoulders for support.

"You'll make a fine earl one day," he said, looking at me, where I sat at the small desk in my room with my newest book on the mahogany table in front of me.

"Will I do as well as you, father?" I questioned.

"Even better," he praised, before looking back to his wife, "Rachel, dear, we need to see to check that everything is in order for tonight's dinner."

She nodded, "Of course. We'll come back upstairs and get you once the guests start arriving,"

"Okay, mother! I'll see you later!" I waved happily.

But they never came to get me...

My eyes fluttered open, though I didn't remember closing them in the first place.

Tonight I must go downstairs and pretend to be happy, for Elizabeth and the servants' sake at the very least.

I must smile and play the part like I always do, pretend that I enjoy Elizabeth's bone crushing hugs and Prince Soma clinging to me for the whole evening.

I'll be forced to dance and converse despite the hollowing numbness eating me alive, I'll eat regardless of my lack of hunger, and listen to the cheerful lot surrounding me, trying to not envy their happiness.

But Sebastian would know the truth; Sebastian always knows when I'm not happy.

After six years, he's learned to read me by facial expressions and body movements alone, sometimes I'm almost positive he can read my mind, despite the many times he's assured me that he can't.

He doesn't tease me about it as much as he used to, there was a significant change in our relationship three years ago, and since then we've both been kinder to one another.

We still taunt and tease each other, our roles have stayed unchanged, but there's more of an understanding now.

It's no longer just a contract, we're not only master and servant, or devil and human anymore, but also lovers.

If there's one thing I don't want on a day like this, it's to be separated from him.

It's only been an hour since I've seen him and yet it already feels like my loneliness is swallowing me whole.

I want him here now, but I don't want to call him without a reason.

He may be able to read my moods, and we may be closer now than we've ever been, but that doesn't mean I'm going to outright tell him that I want company or that I'm thinking about the past again.

But perhaps if I found a reason...

An idea came to mind and I quickly took the small, gold bell off of my desk, ringing it twice.

Sebastian knocked on the door only seconds later, "Come in."

"Is there something you need, my lord?" he questioned, standing in front of where I was perched on the couch, tilting his head in confusion, "I'm surprised to see you not at your desk."

His voice held no conviction, just curiosity.

The fire a few feet away added a slightly orange tint to my butler's ebony hair, the warm light making him look even more handsome.

The observation brought a light blush to my cheeks; thankfully the crimson eyed man didn't comment on it, though his smirk proved that he had noticed.

I raised my chin haughtily, "I needed a short break, besides, I'm chilled, I believe hot chocolate would help."

"Do you now?" his smug smile grew, humor shining in his garnet eyes.

I scowled; he was mocking me.

"Yes, I do," I huffed, crossing my arms as I pursed my lips in annoyance.

I ignored the fact that I felt my will to fight slipping away from me, sucking me dry of any witty remarks and bite that usually echoed in my words.

He was only messing with me, waiting for the snippy reply that would usually come, but even my tolerance for our banter, that I usually enjoyed, was thinning.

"Very well, would you like anything else?"

'For you to hold me for a while,' I thought longingly, I hesitated before responding, "No, that will be all."

He bowed and left the room to prepare the hot beverage as I leaned back on the couch, examining the gold, signet ring that adorned the third finger on my right hand.

I lowered my hand and closed my eyes slowly, "You were wrong, father. You said I would become a better earl than you, but I'm not even sure what I've become."

I sighed, stretching my legs out on the couch and laying my head down on one of the decorative pillows as sudden weariness overtook me.

It's been six years, why can't one year go by without me thinking about this?

Without remembering.

Despite what everyone probably assumes, I do want to enjoy my birthday, it's not my choice to feel this way.

Why would anyone choose this?

To be almost unfeeling in a crowd of others filled with joy, to not smile when I see the faces of my last remaining family members, to feel like falling apart when all any of them are trying to do is make me happy.

The thought almost made me feel guilty, even if I wasn't at fault for it.

I curled my body slightly to fight off the chill that felt like it was gradually seeping into my bones; I involuntarily shivered.

I felt a hand land on my trembling shoulder and jolted forward in surprise, had an arm not wrapped around me, I would have surely fallen to the floor.

I gasped in shock and gazed up; there Sebastian was, kneeling before me on the brown and gold rug, in spite of my better judgement, I didn't glare at him when he tsked and removed his arm from my thin waist when he was sure that I wouldn't tumble off of the cushions, "My, my, have you tired yourself out so much that you've fallen asleep on the sofa?"

I wanted to say something; an insult, a clever remark, anything, but I couldn't think of any lies to tell, I couldn't even make myself sound angry.

"You know very well that I wasn't asleep. I'm not in the mood for your cheek," I admitted forlornly, turning to face the couch's backrest.

His teasing look immediately disappeared at my tone, a look of of worry replacing it, "Is something bothering you, young master?"

I picked at a button imbedded in the couch idly and dodged his question, "I've told you already, you can call me by my name when we're alone."
A rustling of fabric and a quiet clink were heard a few feet away as a tea cup filled with the chocolatey drink I had requested was set on a tray before Sebastian's large, and shockingly gloveless, hand found its way to the small of my back, "Ciel, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just have a headache," I lied, glancing at him over my shoulder as I leaned into the feather light touch of his soot tipped hand.

"You don't have to lie to me, I know there is more to it," he stated sorrowfully, sliding his long fingers up and down my spine in a gentle caress, "does it in any way relate to your birthday?"

Had he been anyone else, I would have found a way to stall the conversation or redirect him to a new topic, but there's no use in trying to hide it.

I need him, even if I don't want to admit it.

Instead of an actual response, I nodded mutely.

"Do you wish to talk about it?" he asked as the cushion shifted near my legs, signaling that he had sat down.

I pondered for a few seconds, unable to sort through my feelings about the idea.

Do I want to talk about this, get it off my chest? Or would I rather keep it inside until the recollection is eventually forgotten? "I don't know."

I didn't have to see his face to know that the frown on his thin, pink lips had deepened, his voice said it all, "You don't have to decide right now, we have all evening."

"Sebastian?" I whispered, my voice barely audible to my own ears, but he heard me as well as he did when I spoke normally.

"Yes, darling?" he asked, skillfully slipping in the familiar term of endearment.

The way he says that is so beautiful, breathtaking even.

The deep rumble of his voice mixed with the sweet words and genuine care behind them calmed me and soothed the pain radiating from my chest.

It was a welcome distraction from my mind, but it wasn't enough, it wasn't the same as being wrapped in his strong, but lean, arms.

Normally, I wouldn't show such weakness, even in front of my lover, but pride meant nothing in moments like this.

It would lead to nothing, but more suffering.

"I'm cold, the fire doesn't provide enough warmth," I looked back at him, trying not to look too desperate.

On any other day he would taunt me and pretend that he didn't know what I expected him to do just to make me curse at him, which usually led to me bent over my desk as he stood behind me with a riding crop and the excuse that I "need to be punished for using such foul language", but today he simply gave me a sad smile and picked up a fur lined blanket that was draped over the wing-backed chair and the hot cocoa in his other hand, "If you sit up, I'll bring you your cocoa and blanket."

I pushed myself into an upright position, watching almost numbly as my beloved tucked the chocolate coloured fur around my legs and offered me the warm cup.

"Thank you," I mumbled, gratefully accepting the drink, "you can sit down again if you'd like."

He took the seat on the corner of the sofa, wrapping his left arm around my waist, crimson eyes following my every move.

We sat quietly for several long seconds while I sipped the hot chocolate, his touch bringing a brief sense of serenity, before he broke the silence, "Perhaps it would be best to cancel the dinner tonight?"

Though I wished I could, I know it wouldn't be acceptable to do so, "I can't, it's expected of me to hold such an event. I would never hear the end of it if I cancelled it, especially on such short notice."

He hummed in agreement, "We could say that you're ill. If we did no one would question the decision."

I leaned heavily against him, considering the idea as he rested his chin atop my head, "Yes, I guess that would work... But it would be childish to cancel over such a thing."

A low, displeased sound was heard from beside me, "It wouldn't be childish. You've barely slept since we returned from the last case, you need time to relax."

I knew what he was actually referring to; the nightmares had returned, longer and more vivid than they used to be.

He had been staying with me every night in hopes that it would lessen the dreams, sometimes it would help, others it wouldn't, but he made sure that if I did wake up screaming and sweating that he was there to help me through it.

After so many nights of interrupted sleep and surfaced memories, the prospect of not being forced to entertain and put on an act was greatly appealing, especially with my demon holding me so securely, yet so gently.

"Send out the announcements then," I murmured in defeat, emptying the cup in my hands with one last sip.

"You can still host it if you'd like, I'm not trying to force your hand," the raven haired man took the cup from me and set it aside.

"I know you're not forcing me, I didn't want to have a party to begin with, I never enjoy them. Besides, I don't want to be around anyone other than you at the moment," I admired his charcoal coloured nails as they brushed over the side of my royal blue coat slowly in a steady rhythm, "I'm so tired."

"I know you are," he drew a deep breath, "if I could make the bad dreams and painful memories disappear, I would do so in a heartbeat."

"I know you would, thank you for that," I stared up at him with unhidden appreciation.

Gratitude was often left unspoken and instead shown in actions, but this time, it felt right to say it aloud.

"It's getting quite late, I need to send word about the cancellation soon or everyone will show up anyways," Sebastian said, words laced with annoyance clearly directed at the expected guests, "it should only take a few minutes, will you be okay until then?"

I snorted, though the humor in my words was only partly real, "You act as if I'm dying, I'll be fine."

He looked like he wanted to reply, but instead he simply nodded and readjusted the blanket, "Would you like anything before I come back?"

"No, I don't think so," I dismissed him, pulling the blanket tighter around me to make up for the lost warmth he had provided.

My shoulders were starting to ache from sitting in one way for too long, further dampening my already sour mood.

I shifted several times, hoping to get more comfortable without lying down before my lover came back, but it was a fruitless attempt.

My coat was uncomfortably stiff in the position I found myself in and the loosening of my eyepatch made it press against my eyelashes painfully.

Finally sick of all of the discomforts added to my already frayed nerves, I removed my coat and the black leather patch covering my eye, tossing both carelessly onto the couch across from me before falling back onto the couch in a reclined pose, easing the strain on my shoulders.

I let my eyes fall shut, forcing myself to not try and remember the last time it was this quiet; it would only lead to unpleasant recollections again.

I let out a tired groan just as the wooden door swung open; true to his word, it took him only ten minutes to inform everyone before rejoining me, "It's been done."

I blinked my eyes open to watch him as he neared the spot I occupied, "Good."

"My love?"

"Yes?"

"I know you don't wish to celebrate, but I prepared a chocolate cake for you earlier in the day. It's still being chilled right now, but it should be ready by dinner." he knelt beside where I laid, brushing the back of his hand against my cheek softly.

"Mm, birthday or not, I'll always eat chocolate cake," I offered a half smile, his answering grin proved that the reaction was probably more than he had expected.

He chuckled, "I'm glad to hear it. I also got you a gift."

"Why did you get me anything? You know I prefer this to be treated like a normal day."

"I know, but I wanted to get you something. If you'd like you can treat it like a replacement item."

"Replacement for what?" I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Open it and you'll see," he held out a black box with a dark sapphire ribbon wrapped around it.

I untied the silk ribbon and lifted the lid from the box to reveal a black top hat.

A thick ribbon adorned the base of the hat, its colour perfectly matching the one that had held the box closed.

The ends of the bow hung freely over the rim of the hat in an elegant way, but what caught my attention were the two large, midnight coloured feathers.

The light from the fireplace caught on them, making them look almost iridescent.

A dark aura radiated from them; dangerously beautiful just like the demon himself.
His scent heavily clung to them; familiar and enticing, heavenly and dark, comforting and exciting.
The beauty of them could never be matched by a simple bird feather; it was obvious that these came from his own wings.

I stared at them in awe, brushing my fingers over the silk-like plumes lightly.

"They're beautiful," I mumbled, still amazed by the feeling of them under my fingers even though I had seen and felt them many times before, "thank you so much."

"You're welcome, dearest. You lost your favourite hat a few weeks ago so I thought it would be an appropriate gift, though I wanted it to have a more personal touch."

I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him, attempting to show how grateful I was in that single embrace, "I love it."

He returned the hug, placing a quick kiss on my head, "I had hoped you would. Now... Is there anything I can do to make today easier?"

It wasn't often that I requested something rather than demanded it, but this was one of those rare occasions, "Will you lie with me for a while?"

"Of course, I will," Sebastian replied, pulling away to take off his jet black tailcoat and fold it over the back of the arm chair to keep it from wrinkling before removing both of our shoes and setting my new hat beside his coat.

He pulled the edge of the blanket up to slide under it, arms immediately stretching out to pull me flush against himself where I could feel the strong and steady beat of his heart against my own chest.

I let out a shuddering breath as I all but clung to him, body greedily absorbing the warmth and comfort offered by his.

His heated breath ghosted over my slate hair and his lips grazed my forehead several times, one hand resting between my shoulders and the other on my lower back while his long legs tangled with mine.

His hold was protective, but loving, his actions reassuring me that he wouldn't leave me.

My parents may have left, my aunt as well, but Sebastian wouldn't.

He would be with me until the very end.

"Ciel?" the taller man's voice cut through the silence.
"Yes?"

"This day may bring you great sorrow, but remember; it wasn't only the day they were taken from you, but also the date your parents celebrated your birth years prior to that. Try not to think of the memories created from your birthdays spent with them as a painful reminder of what was lost, but as a reminder of how much they loved you."

I thought about what he said, letting his words erase my doubts and guilt over my earlier thoughts.

My voice trembled when I next spoke a minute later, composure starting to waver, "T-thank you for that."

"You don't need to thank me, darling."

I buried my nose against his neck as a few stray tears rolled down my cheeks, seeping into the fabric of the demon's crisp, white shirt.

He didn't say anything when he felt the wetness on his fair skin, instead he hushed me quietly when a small sob left my lips and held me closer.

The heat his body radiated, the thumping of his heartbeat, the caring touches, and the reassuring words he whispered in my ear all helped to coax me back into a more stable state of mind.

Clear droplets no longer streamed from my mismatched eyes and only tiny hiccups shook my otherwise still frame, the tears that had dried to my flushed cheeks were wiped away immediately after they had stopped falling by the dark angel pressed against me.

He rubbed my back tenderly with long, nimble fingers, pressing a kiss to my forehead when I tilted my head up to see his face, "Sebastian?"

"Yes, beloved?" his eyes lowered to meet mine kindly.

"I love you."

"I love you too, my Ciel."

I cupped his cheek with my right hand, urging him to move his head nearer to mine.

He leaned down more, lips barely brushing mine teasingly before I sealed the gap without hesitation.

His lips were soft against my smaller ones, the hand that was once placed on my back moving to card through my hair while the one between my shoulders trailed down to my waist where he kneaded my skin delicately.

The kiss was long and healing, taking my breath away almost immediately.

The feel of his mouth against mine was nothing short of heavenly, passionate, but also pure in its intentions.

It in no way compared the rough and hungry kisses we shared while lying naked in bed for it was a completely different kind of kiss.

Both were equal and breathtaking, but with different purposes.

The ones we shared nights ago meant to show lust, whereas this one was only meant to show love, the love we both cherished.

The only kiss that could satiate the hollow feeling I had felt only minutes ago.

For the first time in many days, I felt at peace.

Safe in his arms; the arms of my demon, servant, and lover.

The one being who will never lie to me, never harm me, and never abandon me.

And for the rest of the evening, only thoughts of him and his gentle touches filled my mind as he held me tightly while I watched the light from the fireplace flicker from over his shoulder.

I no longer felt fear staring into the wavering flames, they can't hurt me now.

In fact, despite the torturous scenes that still plagued my dreams some nights, I grew to have a certain appreciation for the flames.

For these flames weren't built to harm me, but to warm my ice-cold skin, just as the flames in my lover's eyes and heart melted the coldness of my soul.

I knew in days to come, gifts would arrive from my remaining family and the few who called me a friend, but no present would ever compare to the gift he had given me.

His love.

My drowsiness finally won and my eyes fell shut; the last thing I heard before I allowed sleep to pull me under was Sebastian whisper quietly in my ear, "Happy birthday, my Ciel."