2. Of Beasts, Detentions and Special Events

Grade 1, Racl. Lovegood, Luna

I am raising concern in the hope that we might pick up early a case of possible harassment. To be blunt, Miss Lovegood is an unusual individual. She has voiced several unconventional attitudes towards reality, which easily breaks all barriers of what might be considered sensible. Curiously, this does not seem to influence her schoolwork, however, other students do appear to consider her an oddball and she is frequently the victim of cruel jokes and name-calling.

I am very curious as to how much of her world-view is under parental influence and hope you can allot some time to figure out the psychosocial status surrounding her home life.

-Filius Flitwick

Severus Snape tried very hard not to twitch when a very tall man entered his office with Miss Lovegood in tow and gave face to Filius' worry.

There were no socks in his musty-looking loafers, and a flowy dress with several long tassels attached at seemingly random locations completed the picture of someone quite a few bricks short of a load.

Snape squinted against the hideous orange flower pattern on Mr. Lovegood's undershirt. It brought him abruptly back to his mother's kitchen, anno 1971.

The man squinted back, eyes slightly off-kilter.

"My name is Professor Snape," said Snape, dragging out the words. "I'm the one who's been…privileged with the happy task of going through Miss Lovegood's scholarly performance with you. I'm sure we'll have a very…educational time together."

Ignoring Snape, the man leaned over to mouth at his daughter, 'vampire?'

The girl shook her head, pointing surreptitiously at a silver cauldron, which just so happened to be in Snape's proximity.

Mr. Lovegood nodded wisely.

"Call me Xenophilius," he said aloud. "I'm Luna's father."

"Right." Snape pulled out the sheet of parchment Dumbledore had saddled him with, eager to get things over with.

Yes, there was Miss Lovegood's rather peculiar personality and Filius was probably right in his assessment of the situation, but in Snape's opinion, the girl seemed well equipped to deal with potential cases of light bullying.

Academically speaking, the biggest point of concern was perhaps that she seemed to do rather well in Divination.

"As you might know, I am Miss Lovgood's Potions teacher," he said. "So let's begin there."

"Ah," said Mr. Lovegood in a meaningful voice. "Potions…"

Snape blinked. "Yes…?"

"Then what do you feel about the current Minister?"

Apparently, this was some sort of test. The man looked like he was weighing Snape on brass scales, long fingers tapping his unshaven chin.

"Cornelius Fudge is a simpering, ineffectual bumbler," said Snape off-hand. He had little patience with tests unless they were of his own making. "But I don't see what that has to do with-"

"Splendid!" Mr. Lovegood eagerly leaned forward in his chair. "Then you know all about-" he winked, "-the cure for gum disease…"

Snape stared.

"The what?"

"Oh, yes, I'm aware." The man pointed at his nose and winked. "You must be one of the masterminds who opposes the Conspiracy then. I'm delighted to make your acquaintance."

Snape shook his head warily. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"Aha. Sorry." Mr' Lovegood lowered his voice to a whisper. "You're not allowed to talk about it. I understand."

"Right…" Snape was starting to feel a little flustered. "Anyway," he said, "we were supposed to be discussing Miss Lovegood's grades. But first I have a more general concern."

He folded his hands on his desk, pointedly ignoring the man's slightly cross-eyed stare.

"How do you feel the first semester has been like, Miss Lovegood?" he asked. "Have you settled in with your classmates?"

"Oh, yes." The girl smiled dreamily. "Hogwarts is such a nice place. And the people are friendly too. You know," she turned towards her father, "Professor Snape is actually my favourite teacher."

Snape's eyes narrowed. Was this some sort of cruel jest?

The girl watched him with slightly protruding eyes.

"You did almost destroy my plum necklace once," she said, "which was pretty mean, but overall, you treat me just like any other student."

Snape grunted a protest, but it landed on deaf ears as Mr. Lovegood was once again going on about the Minister.

"The Committee for Disposal of Dangerous Creatures are clearly in denial," he said, "because they haven't opposed the legalisation of fire spirits, which can only mean that there are Heliopaths involved and-"

'Seriously unbalanced', wrote Snape next to Filius' note on the parchment. He was actually starting to feel a little concerned.

"So far," he said when he managed to get a word in edgewise, "Miss Lovegood seemed no worse than the average student. She is quiet in class and has yet to make anything explode…"

"And speaking of explosions," ranted Mr. Lovegood, "the Muggle Prime Minister is obviously in league with Fudge and I actually considered running a special feature once about the err… what's that you're drinking?"

"Tonic for the nerves." Snape waved him off. "You were saying?"

"Ooh, Daddy." The girl suddenly grasped her father's arm. "Look!"

She pointed at one of Snape's shelves, where he kept some ingredients that had gone off.

"Oho!" Mr. Lovegood jumped up from his chair and flung his arms wide as though to protect them both against a terrible danger.

Snape looked around wildly, failing to see anything out of the ordinary.

"Huh…? No, that's just a…"

"An actual Umgubular Slashkilter!" The man crept closer to a jar on the shelf, wand raised. "I had no idea you were famous! However did you manage to catch it?"

"I'm not… A what?"

"They are extremely rare," Mr. Lovegood said, looking Snape up and down. "Very difficult to come by. Very dangerous. Don't tell me you're the one who found it, because I'll have difficulties believing you."

Considering who his employer was, Snape would gladly admit that he sometimes felt like the one sane chick in the cuckoo's nest. This however, went above and beyond.

"I had no idea you were this interested in magical creatures, Professor!" interjected Miss Lovegood, excitement lighting up her face.

"No," said Snape. "That's Professor Hagrid. Like I said, I'm the Potions Master and-"

"But clearly you have a way with them." Mr. Lovegood positively glowed. "This is the scoop of the century. Wold you consider granting an interview?"

"I don't." Snape palmed his face. He was nearing the end of his tether. "I don't even like animals."

"That is most interesting." Mr. Lovegood pulled out a battered notebook and started to scribble. "Isn't it curious how that always seems to be the case? In fact, it happened to my late wife, who had a rather unusual phobia for birds, but our canary followed her around everywhere. It was almost like her awful attitude towards it made it love her even more."

Snape sighed. "Please. I want to talk about Miss Lovegood's Potion grades, I-"

He looked up, startled.

"Girl! Whatever is that on your head?"

"This?" Miss Lovegood pointed skyward. "It's my Special Events Hat. She nodded at the jar. "You know. To celebrate."

The thing, which in fact was vaguely reminiscent of a headpiece, was shaped into a black blob, which at first glance bore the suspicious resemblance to a bat.

Snape stood. Was that was what this was about…?

He felt decidedly wrong-footed and there was an odd feeling in his stomach as he suddenly had to resist the urge to scream.

He managed. Just barely.

"Miss Lovegood!" He took a deep breath. "That offensive …thing… is expelled!"

"Oh, Professor," said Miss Lovegood, looking aghast. "I never meant to hurt your feelings."

"My what?" Snape spluttered. "I- Detention! I have never- Feelings?"

"Yes," continued the girl, quite serenely, "you're obviously underappreciated if this is your reaction to an innocent Dabberblimp."

Underappreciated?

Snape paused. Was he?

Maybe he was…

He was starting to feel a little deranged himself. Or was perhaps this thing that afflicted the Lovegoods contagious? Was he doomed to a life of utter insanity now?

"I've always thought he had that air about him, you know," whispered Miss Lovegood to her father.

The man nodded. "Looser's Lurgy," he muttered. "Nasty business. Didn't dampen his academic success though."

Then again, thought Snape, maybe it wouldn't make much difference to his already bleak existence…

He sat back in his chair with a thump.

"To get back on topic," said Mr. Lovegood sensibly, "you mentioned something about Potions?"

"Right."

Mr. Lovegood nodded approvingly, scribbling something in his notes.

As by a miracle, Snape managed to ease back on track. "Potions," he said. "Now I do actually feel that Miss Lovegood's strength is her rather err…exceptional creativity."

"How incredibly versatile."

"Yes. This is an advantage both for Potions and Charms." Snape checked his scroll. "And astonishingly, her Transfiguration seems up to par as well. There has been some issues with missing books and quills, but other than that, she seems to have her act under reasonable control."

Mr. Lovegood looked up sharply. "But as a member of the Rotfang Defence League, you're probably aware that Minister Fudge is holding one hostage?"

Snape blinked. And shook his head. And blinked again.

"Oops." Mr. Lovegood held up a hand. "Strictly off-record, I know."

"Right. As for Defence…"

Snape squinted at the paper, turning it this way and that.

"…I really can't say…"

Instead of the usual student review, this section featured a small sketch of a man with wavy hair who battled something that might or might not have been a Ford Anglia. It was actually rather well executed and for a moment, Snape was caught up in the animated spells, which were fired off in bright ink of different colours.

What it had to do with Miss Lovegood's performance in class was altogether a different matter, and he must have spent too much time considering, because Mr. Lovegood suddenly snapped his notebook shut.

"Splendid," he cried, reaching over the desk to grasp Snape's arm. He shook it vigorously. "That's a wrap!"

"A what…?"

"I must say you have impressed me, Professor. I feared that you were quite the close-minded type, but it renews my faith in humanity to see such a rare specimen preserved for future generations. You are a role-model for magizoologists to come."

Snape closed his gaping mouth with an audible click. It was unusual for him to be granted such high praise -no matter how bizarre- and he couldn't help but bask a little in the glow of attention.

"How about a picture, Professor?"

The girl was suddenly holding a lens up against his face. Having always been a little camera-shy, Snape immediately dove to the left.

"Now wait a moment, Miss Lovegood," he managed, "I-"

There was a click and a flash and both Lovegoods gave scattered applause.

"Thank you, Professor" the girl said sincerely. "I had no idea these conferences were so educational."

Two weeks later, The Quibbler featured an article about endangered Slashkilters. On the front page was a photograph of one startled Hogwarts Professor and a blurry jar of eel eyes, well beyond their expiry date.

He would die rather than reveal the truth to a living soul, but in Severus Snape's desk drawer lay a copy of the magazine, gifted to him by the only student who didn't call him names behind his back.