A/N: This is my first venture into Scandal fanfic, so I'm a little apprehensive but I hope you like it! I had the idea in the back of my mind for a while but was inspired by The Right Kind of Madness by almostfamousoxo to actually put pen to paper and write. It's set 4 years from the season 3 finale and there will be a few minor spoilers/references from season 4 to 7. I'm expecting it will be around 10 chapters, but who knows... Let me know your thoughts, I'd love to know what you think!

Four long years have passed since Olivia last set foot in Washington DC. It had been too painful to return; the memories – both happy and devastatingly sad – swirl in her head, making her utterly nauseous as she stares out of the window of the moving car.

She'd left her entire life behind when she'd decided to 'stand in the sun' with Jake; her career, her friends, him… And when things inevitably crumbled with Jake in the first few months, he came back to DC and she kept running – or at least she tried to, until Quinn tracked her down, to nobody's surprise, least of all Olivia's. It had been entirely unrealistic for her to expect to keep going down the path she'd been on, she knew that. She can't just disappear. Sure, she can ignore her problems and pretend they aren't real, but that naivety can only last so long. She couldn't keep running: she couldn't keep hiding.

And after four years (and a wedding invitation from Quinn and Charlie) she's finally given in and returned home.

She sinks deeper into the backseat as she watches the world speed past the window; DC holds too many memories that makes her heart feel heavy in her chest. Memories that seem distorted and blurred around the edges, like she'd imagined the whole thing… The pain she feels is the only reminder that it was all too real.

The car slows to stop at a set of traffic lights, right beside a restaurant. Olivia's throat tightens and she forgets how to breathe when she thinks about the last time she was here. When he let her go. She thinks about his eyes, those deep blue eyes she'd fallen in love with that begged her to convince him he was making a mistake. Even then she'd known it wasn't over; it would never be over.

The car pulls out onto the road again. Olivia doesn't even see the other car coming.

All she hears is the screech of tires silenced by a deafening crash. She feels the sickening crunch of her own bones and the shattered glass cutting deep into her flesh as her vision drifts out of focus and all she can see is red. Blood red. Her own blood. Then she sees those blue eyes again, the last time she'd gazed into them she'd seen so much grief and unbearable pain, where she'd once seen hope. And she hears the voice she's desperately tried to erase from her memory, but that she still hears in every nightmare and leaves her waking up in a cold sweat.

The man I am, without you… I'm nothing. I'm nothing. And you are everything.

So we're in this together?

I can't breathe without you. I can't sleep without you. I wait for you. I watch for you. I exist for you.

You can't leave me. I'm not losing you again.

Somewhere in the haze of light and dark and red, with the faint sounds of people screaming for help and sirens growing closer, Olivia longs to be held by the only man she's ever loved. Just one more time. And then she feels everything slipping between her fingers and washing away as it all fades to black.

Lilies.

The nauseatingly sweet scent of lilies is the first thing Olivia registers as she stirs, blinking against the harsh white light.

"Liv?" Somebody's voice comes and she screws her eyes shut for a moment. When she opens them again it's all still a blur, but the light isn't so blinding as she adjusts to it.

"Hey." The voice exhales a tired sigh of relief.

Olivia tries to speak but her throat betrays her, she coughs hoarsely. Everything slowly shifts into focus and she realizes Abby is standing over her, holding a cup of water an inch from her lips.

"Here." Abby offers gently, tilting the cup with careful hands as Olivia sips slowly, too weak to argue.

Olivia sees the concern clouding Abby's glassy eyes. She hasn't spoken to Abby for over three years; after Quinn had tracked her down, Abby called her. She was hurt that her best friend could just leave and end all contact with her with little explanation, it was completely understandable. But Olivia couldn't handle speaking with Abby knowing she was now working so closely with the man who haunted her dreams. She cut Abby out. Olivia had been protecting herself and it was selfish, Abby's feelings had been an unfortunate casualty in the grand scheme of things.

"Abby, I…" Olivia starts, trailing off at a loss for words. Her brows draw together in confusion as she struggles to piece things together.

"You were in a car accident." Abby supplies in a soft voice, as if she can read her thoughts.

Olivia's mouth opens and closes as she absorbs the information. It's only then that she really takes in her surroundings; she's lying in a bed in a private hospital room. Her eyes scan over the heart monitor that is quietly bleeping at her bedside, the intravenous drip hooked up to the back of her hand and the bandage dressing the deep cuts on her arm. Harrowing memories of the crash fill her head and her breath catches in her throat.

"We were pretty scared we were going to lose you," Abby speaks quietly and she blinks back unshed tears. "The others are getting coffee. We didn't know if you'd be okay, you were asleep for five days. The doctors kept telling us different things and –"

"The others?" Olivia cuts her off, eyes searching Abby's desperately. The thought that she'd had such a close brush with death is too big to take in right now. "Is… Is he here?"

"No." Abby doesn't need Olivia to clarify who she's referring to. "I called him, explained what had happened and that I'd have to stay in DC. I asked him to come… He tried. But he just couldn't, he –"

"It's fine." Olivia snaps, averting her gaze as she swallows against the lump that has formed in her throat.

"Liv…" Abby begins, perching on the edge of the mattress beside Olivia, forcing her to look at her again. Olivia sees so much sorrow in her eyes that it makes her heart sink. "You left him, okay? You do know that, right?"

"I know." Olivia exhales unsteadily, feeling her eyes sting with unwanted tears. "I do, I know."

"Okay."

"How is he?"

"Liv…"

"I just want to know how he's been."

Abby furrows her brows and she draws her bottom lip between her teeth for a brief moment, like she's carefully choosing her response. "He's good. Yeah, he's good… Now."

"When did you last speak to him?" Olivia asks, studying Abby warily.

"He called this morning." Abby's response is deliberately concise and to the point.

"And he's okay?" Olivia continues her questioning because she has to know he's alright.

Abby's expression changes and her eyes narrow. "Why are you doing this? Four years have passed since you left –"

"I know, Abby. I do." Olivia sinks back against the pillow tucked behind her head with a sigh. "I just –"

"No, you don't know. You literally have no idea, Olivia." Abby snaps sharply in frustration. "You left when his world was crumbling around him. He was broken. You did that to him… He's finally better again, or he's getting there, at least… And I don't want that to change."

"You say that like I can change anything!" Olivia fires back helplessly. She's angry, though she has no right to be. "I screwed up, I know. I was a coward to run away, but I guess he didn't need me after all if he's okay now –"

"Don't you dare." Abby cuts her off with a loaded glare. "You know how much he loved you. You were his world, his everything… And you just left? He was ruined. He was mourning the loss of his son – and you."

Olivia falls silent. She'd known how difficult it would've been for him, grieving for his child while the nation expected him to continue to lead. She's never allowed herself to factor in just how excruciating her absence would be for him; it's been too painful to think about.

"Can I ask you a question?" Abby's voice is low and cautious.

"Okay."

"Are you still in love with him?"

Olivia blinks, her mouth drops open. "What?"

"It's a simple question: are you still in love with him?" Abby repeats, pressing for an answer.

"What do you want me to say, Abby?" Olivia asks with a shake of her head, defeated.

"I'd just like to know where you stand."

"Okay." Olivia barely takes a second to think. "No, I'm not."

"Really?" Abby's gaze doesn't falter. She arches her brow, clearly unconvinced. "You're not?"

"No. I'm really not." Olivia seems to just be trying to convince herself. She doesn't even want to think about her feelings; she isn't sure if she's ready to feel anything. She breathes out an exasperated sigh. "When the crash happened he was all I could think about."

"Really?"

Olivia nods slowly.

"I don't think I could stand the thought of not being able to say goodbye… If something worse had happened and things were left unresolved –" She cuts herself off and gasps for air as tears threaten to spill down her cheeks, the notion that there's no hope she'd ever have the chance to fix things with him is unbearable.

"He's not going to be happy to see you…" Abby chews her bottom lip briefly as she studies Olivia. "But I've got work to do with him. And I think you should come with me, to Vermont."

Olivia opens her mouth to speak, Abby assumes to object, when they're interrupted by the door clicking open. Huck and a heavily pregnant Quinn walk in, armed with coffees and donuts.

"Liv! You're awake!" Quinn gasps in excitement, rushing to her side. She reaches for her hand, knowing better than to hug Olivia. "How are you feeling?"

"I've been better." Olivia forces a smile, vaguely registering the pain of her broken ribs. She squeezes Quinn's palm gently. "I'm fine though."

It's then that Olivia notices Huck at her bedside, passing Abby a coffee. He holds out his drink for her.

"You need it more than I do." He utters lowly with a half smile.

She takes the cup, sipping gratefully before turning back to Quinn.

"How was your wedding?"

Quinn lifts her eyebrows in surprise. "You really thought I was going to get married while you were fighting for your life? Please, Olivia. You should know better than that."

Olivia gives her a tiny nod of understanding and her gaze drifts down to Quinn's bump. She hasn't gotten a chance to get a decent look until now; strangely pregnancy really suits Quinn.

"We decided to postpone the wedding until after the baby's born." Quinn continues as she places her free hand on her bump, noting Olivia's stare. "My due date's next week."

"Wow…" Olivia blinks in awe, then lifts her gaze to meet Quinn's. "You're going to be an amazing mother."

And she really does mean it. Quinn had taken over the reins at OPA with such ease; once she'd found Olivia and discovered that despite the devastating news about Harrison she wasn't ready to return home, they'd agreed that Quinn would remain in charge, meanwhile Olivia would take a backseat and run things from behind the scenes, skyping in each day and doing whatever she could without actually physically being there. It was certainly a huge adjustment but Quinn had been incredible. She'd persevered with Huck until he listened to her and came around, eventually understanding and respecting Olivia's choices, choosing to come back to work alongside Quinn. Olivia's sure Quinn will take to motherhood as well as she'd taken to leading OPA.

After they've spent a few hours with Olivia, only being interrupted briefly once when a nurse comes to check on her, Quinn heaves a sigh and gathers her things. "We'd better get going, we've got tons of work to catch up on."

"Quinn, you should be taking it easy." Olivia frowns.

"Just an hour in the office, I promise." Quinn rolls her eyes, but a smile teases the corners of her lips. "I'm so glad you're okay, Liv."

"See you soon." Huck gave her a nod.

When Olivia is finally alone again with Abby, she turns to her with a morose expression creeping onto her face.

"You really think it's a good idea? Me coming with you?" Olivia's voice is tentative, like she doesn't want to hear the answer.

"I think the fact he's been calling daily, sometimes twice, even three times, just for updates on how you are speaks volumes. Don't you agree?" Abby raises an eyebrow.

"I guess." Olivia concedes, though her brows remain fixed in a frown creasing her forehead.

"If the doctor checks you over and says you're fine to be discharged, we'll go tomorrow." Abby pauses, staring at Olivia for a moment. "I think this is going to be good for both of you… You're long overdue some closure."

Abby excuses herself to make some calls, stepping out of the room for a few minutes, leaving Olivia alone with her thoughts. She wonders if Abby is right. Of course she wants to see him, but will he want to see her? Her stomach churns with uneasiness. She tries to focus on the fact that, as Abby had said, he's been checking in for updates on her condition.

That has to count for something, right?