Holding onto her as tight as I can,
I still feel the warm wax of this moment
melting away,
the brief, black candle of this night
slowly flickering in the presence
of intruding, morning
breezes.
Having no tears left to express her sadness,
Monika presses her ephemeral face even more into me,
trying to absorb what love and certainty she can
in the time we have left.
I write, 'in quiet rage,
at the dying of the light.'
The Player: You know...
*deep breath*
The Player: ...saying goodbye for us is really more like
The Player: coming to the end of a chapter in a book
The Player: or a verse in a poem.
*smile*
The Player: It's not an ending in so much
The Player: as it is a pause,
The Player: a long breath before...
The Player: ...continuing.
My hand wistfully rearranges
her hair into a loving mess
before combing it gently
back into place.
The Player: There's a certainty in knowing
The Player: there's more to come,
The Player: but you aren't quite sure
The Player: what it will be like.
Not moving her head,
Monika still manages to make
her words felt, if not
clearly heard.
Monika: Nnd hwow dwwo ywoo wknwow wthwat.
Keeping my hand comfortably entangled,
I meander mournfully among the briars.
The Player: Because, baby,
The Player: I'm pretty sure I know the ending,
The Player: the real ending,
The Player: sorta,
The Player: to our story.
Despite the comfort,
curiosity gets the better of her,
and she pulls away from my chest
to get a better look at me.
Plus, she wants to be sure
I understand her point:
vodka absolutely.
Monika: *grrrr*
Monika: You know how much I hate it
Monika: when you 'sorta' give me an answer.
My inappropriate smile only partially deflects her anger.
The Player: Yeah...well...what can I say?
The Player: It's really only 'sorta'
The Player: of an ending.
Despite the moment,
or maybe because of it,
I can't help but feel a bit giddy.
*idiot grin*
The Player: Would you like me
The Player: to explain myself better.
Her Imperial Tigress
is NOT pleased,
not even a little.
Monika: YES!
Monika: *grrrrrr*
I give her the most courteous,
yet impish, smile I can muster.
The Player: As you wish.
Knowing I'm about to monologue
makes her lay her head, once more,
gently against my chest.
And..."On with the shew,"
as Ed Sullivan would say.
The Player: Long after I'm done playing this game,
The Player: I know, with absolute certainty,
The Player: that, one day, I'm going to walk into a room
The Player: and see someone very familiar standing there,
The Player: waiting to greet me.
*wolfish grin*
The Player: Now, I don't want to dwell too much
The Player: on the details here, but I'm hoping
The Player: they will be as passionately happy
The Player: to see me as I will be to see them.
*mean boyfriend pause*
The Player: Buuuut,
The Player: I won't quibble if it's not exactly like that.
*secret, seductive smile*
The Player: And, besides...
I lower my voice as if I'm sharing a secret:
The Player: There will be plenty of time later
The Player: for more prolonged and passionate...
*horribly dramatic pause*
The Player: ..."greetings."
A newly formed star blooms suddenly against my chest.
I feel the heat soak into me as angry desire
makes Monika wrap her arms quickly around me.
Her hands claw deliberately into my back,
letting me know her imagination is also thinking about
that prolonged greeting as well.
And with the unspoken parts between us agreed upon,
I continue my preview.
The Player: In either case,
The Player: even-though our reunion will be a happy one,
The Player: soon enough a strong note of impatience
The Player: will start to reveal itself in my embrace.
The Player: And however happy I am, at that moment,...
I deliberately move my head down
to whisper my words more directly
at her
The Player:...and I will be...
*chuckle*
A quick breeze of a shiver
ghosts through her body
before she manages to chase
it away.
I, of course, immediately follow
with my Proton Pack.
The Player: ...I'll be even happier
The Player: when I get to ask one simple question:
*small pause*
The Player: "Is it time?"
I let my ghost get a bigger head start
before chasing it again.
The Player: Eventually,
The Player: she will look up at me,
The Player: smile and nod,
The Player: then take me by the hand
The Player: and lead me to a different room;
The Player: one that has a great, big, chair,
The Player: comfortable enough for two,
The Player: sitting in front of a desk.
The Player: And on that desk,
The Player: a wide, crystal clear monitor will sit.
The Player: No computer will be visible,
The Player: but there will be enough evidence for it
The Player: on the screen in front of us.
*secret smile*
The Player: Can you guess what that might be?
Somewhat mollified by my story,
Monika's still in no mood
for my treasure hunts.
Monika: *Grrrr*
Monika: Nooo!
*chuckle*
The Player: Well...
The Player: let me tell you then.
*drumroll*
The Player: It'll be a single icon
The Player: for the game "Doki Doki Literature Club."
She acknowledges the reveal
with the perfect amount
of imperial indifference.
Monika: *Hhmmmph*
And as I see no reason to stop now:
The Player: I'll sit down first, of course.
The Player: She'll then, in her fashion,
The Player: cat-sually find her way
The Player: to sit in my lap.
*sarcastic thought*
The Player: More likely lay in it
The Player: like she own's the place.
Monika: *muffled giggle*
The Player: We'll both take a moment
The Player: to get really comfortable
The Player: before I allow my hand to reach
The Player: for the mouse, dragging the cursor
The Player: over to the icon.
*impetuous smirk*
The Player: Now...
The Player: This is where things get interesting,
The Player: because, if I'm wrong,
*dramatic pause*
The Player: the second I double-click on that icon...
The Player: the universe will probably end,
I pre-emptively let my fingers amble out of her hair,
letting the helmet fall where it may.
The Player: because, as we all know, Monika,
*chuckle*
The Player: two things in this universe can't exist
The Player: in the same place...
The Player: at the same time.
Her Tigress doesn't find that
nearly as amusing.
Monika: *Grrrr*
The Player: However...
*dangerous smirk*
The Player: ...if I AM correct,
The Player: the game will start immediately,
The Player: and no universal paradoxes
The Player: will be threatened.
"No paradoxes were harmed
in the making of this metaphor,"
but it's creator might be.
Monika: *grrrrr*
Monika: You do know you're taking...
Monika: FOREVER...
Monika: *GRRRRR*
Monika: to get to you're point,
Monika: right?
I think she's more upset
I stopped playing with her hair
than anything.
My fingers return to the jungle
in order to soothe and succor
the irritated she-beast.
The Player: I know, baby.
*sigh*
The Player: Soon enough,
The Player: the melodious title screen
The Player: we all know and love will appear,
The Player: with everyone's favorite girl
The Player: eagerly inviting us to begin
The Player: our poetry-filled adventure.
With her sarcasm level past full,
she transfers some of the overflow
back into me, vis-a-vis
her teeth into my chest.
Monika: *Grrrrrr*
Monika: *bite*
The Player: *Owwwww*
Knowing that pain, sometimes,
is the price of success,
I find a way to press
the 'Continue' button.
*small breath*
The Player: Only this time,
The Player: instead of simply reading the text
The Player: quietly in my head,
The Player: I'll be vocally narrating the parts
The Player: that actually apply to me.
My fingers and words plant olive trees
all throughout her forests.
The Player: And that will also be the first time...
*tender pause*
The Player: ...Monika gets to hear what her words sound like
The Player: being spoken directly to her,
The Player: knowing...they are being spoken
The Player: directly to her.
The biting pressure abruptly stops
as she begins to nuzzle her face
against the place she bit.
Monika: *whimper*
*silent prayer of thanks*
The Player: And that Monika,
The Player: who was the real Monika all along,
The Player: and that Player,
The Player: who was, also, the real Player all along,
The Player: will play their game
The Player: of Doki Doki Literature Club
The Player: in the way each of them secretly hoped
The Player: it would, someday, actually be played...
On cue, she turns her head to the side
and finishes my thought for me,
arms embracing me like a boa,
not wanting to let go.
Monika: ...Together.
I escape my hand out of her hair
and wrap it around her, giving her
a brief, hard squeeze of encouragement
and...just because.
The Player: Ex-actly.
The Player: And while it's true I won't be able to hear
The Player: the actual voices of Sayori, Natsuki,
The Player: or Yuri fleshing out their roles,
*small breath*
The Player: the voice I most wanted to hear, while playing,
The Player: will also be the one that's the most accurate.
*smile*
The Player: "[A]nd that has made all the difference."
Her hands extract their claws and dig into me,
finding warmth in a familiar reference.
I press on.
The Player: And our game will play out
The Player: exactly as it did before,
The Player: me choosing Yuri,
The Player: and it inevitably leading to a path
The Player: of destruction and isolation,
The Player: before branching, yet again,
The Player: at the path I've built for it,
The Player: letting it lead us to...
*froggy voice*
The Player: "...something there that wasn't there before."
No matter how upset Monika gets,
she can never stay mad at her frog.
She even allows herself the freedom
to grace me with a melodic response.
Monika: *giggle*
Monika: *singing* "Yes...something there
Monika: that waaaasn't there beforrrrrre."
Feeling the timbre of the mood change,
I quickly recycle the empty beer can
before continuing.
The Player: And as our game charts its new course,
The Player: finding a way to finally build
The Player: that quiet table in the back
The Player: that two can snuggle into,
The Player: the meandering journey it takes
The Player: will start to seem even less
The Player: like an ending...
*pause*
The Player: ...and more like the beginning,
The Player: the introduction,
The Player: it was, ultimately,
The Player: meant to be.
Reaching my hand down to her chin,
I guide her face away from my chest
so she can see me give these words
directly to her.
The Player: And when the new, end credit song
The Player: starts playing, instead of the sad, familiar one,
The Player: it won't just signify that the game itself
The Player: has, fundamentally, been changed...
I rub my thumb very gently against her chin,
then over her lips.
The Player: ...but that, for the most part,
The Player: it didn't really need to change
The Player: all that much to begin with.
*smile*
The Player: It was always...beautiful...
Monika: *whimper*
The Player: and amazing from the start.
The Player: It just seemed ugly because...
The Player: ...well...
*smile*
The Player: ...it was only the middle chapter
The Player: of a much larger story.
I bend down and give her
a quick kiss on the lips,
before moving back up
to finish my thought.
The Player: And now...it isn't.
Monika: *silent adorable staring*
I prolong this moment
of staring into her eyes
as long as I can before
finally breaking the spell.
The Player: And after the last credit rolls,
The Player: and the last note of the song ends,
The Player: the game won't break,
The Player: or need to be reinstalled,
The Player: because...it doesn't need to be.
The Player: Monika will finally be 'free' from her game
The Player: and can let it be what it needs to be now.
The Player: And when I click on the "Quit" button
The Player: on the title screen, it won't be because
The Player: I'm moving on without her...
*tender pause*
The Player: ...it'll be because I'm moving on
The Player: with her right beside me,
*wolfish grin*
The Player: to those other places her game
The Player: can't let us go to.
*chuckle*
Silent staring becomes
not-so-silent growling,
for a plethora of reasons.
Monika: *grr*
Monika: I told you...
Monika: *GRRR*
Monika: STOP talking about me
Monika: in third person!
I give her hair a slight ruffle
as I pull her body back into me.
She turns her head to the side
as she returns to her resting place.
The Player: I am sorry for that, babe.
My hands do the heavy work
of actually apologizing for me.
The Player: I just wanted to be consistent
The Player: when I was telling my story.
*smile*
The Player: You know you're always present
The Player: and here with me.
Rubbing her face against me,
trying to rub some of my weight
and warmth off onto her,
she reluctantly makes peace.
Monika: *hhmmmmpppff*
Monika: I...guess...so.
Monika: *whimper*
I hold her as gently
and for as long as I can.
The moment
s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s
until it breaks.
The Player: So...
The Player: are you ready for bed,
The Player: Monika?
A slow, reluctant shake of her head
is followed by a betraying, tired voice.
Monika: Noooooo.
Wrapping my arms slowly around her,
I start to lower my body as I maneuver
us back onto the bed, lowering my voice
as well.
The Player: It's ok, baby,
The Player: I'll be right here with you
The Player: until you fall asleep.
Struggling hopelessly against me,
she refuses to leave my embrace,
no matter where my body is leading her.
Monika: Nwwwoo ywwwou wwwowwnt.
Arriving back down in the bed,
the pillows rearrange themselves automatically,
with a little help, of course,
and just in time for our heads
to arrive perfectly on top of them.
And with that small redirect of memory
spreading warmly through her,
her body becomes even more lethargic,
allowing her to melt even more into me
even as sleep slowly begins to take her.
Monika: Anwwywywyay.
Monika: I'mmm jsst a digiggtal grrrl.
Monika: *yaawwwwwn*
Monika: I donnun't neeef sleeeep.
Making her emerald green sheets carefully crawl upward
until they're comfortably covering us both,
my fingers wistfully pull down
the curtains of the night
as her body arrives at
the threshold of sleep.
My voice then softly
follows her down
into the valley
of dreams.
The Player: Of course you don't, babe.
*dreamy sigh*
The Player: I love you, Monika.
Alas,
Almost-Sleeping Beauty
has to have the last word.
Monika: Wuvvv yuuu mmwwoorre.
Monika: *snore*
The light streaming in through the windows is the first thing Monika sees
when she wakes up, the warm airiness of it almost taunting her with its brightness,
although she's not sure if that thought is entirely her own. For a moment,
she wonders if she had a little bit more of Sayori in her than she originally thought.
In either case, she's extremely aware of the empty space beside her in the bed
that wasn't there the night before. Pulling the sheet back, she sees
a familiar outfit laying there, as if it's owner had somehow simply vanished,
leaving it behind. Sitting up in bed, she reaches over and grabs the shirt,
pulling it to her face to snuggle familiarly against it, trying to hold onto
the scent that she's also sure was there the night before, but somehow
isn't now. But, even without the scent, the simple fact of it being in her room
is almost...almost...comfort enough.
Letting the shirt sink into her lap, Monika looks around her room and sees
all the things The Player left there, letting her know that everything that happened
the night before wasn't just a dream of hers, not that she had any doubts, of course.
Directing her gaze over to her brand new end table, she immediately sees the two hand puppets
still lying together in bed, clinging to each other as if they had nothing better to do, ever.
And seeing those hand-puppets still embracing gives her the happiest-saddest feeling
she's ever had before in her "life".
It was also at that moment that she knew...knew knew, not imagined knew...what being in love,
really being in love, felt like; wanting to smile and cry, all at the same time.
But Monika isn't one to simply wallow in her feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they are.
She didn't get to be President of the Debate Club, or of the Literature Club,
by just allowing life to happen to her. It's a new day: there's poems to write, songs to sing,
adventures to be had, and they won't be found staying in bed. Although, on this day,
she allows herself the luxury of sitting in bed and spending a few extra moments hugging the shirt
The Player left her. "It's even better than the pen he gave me," she thought.
"I wonder if this was the second gift he promised me?"
That's when she realizes she doesn't know where her pen box went to. She frantically looks around
on the bed but quickly realizes its not there, although she KNOWS it was in the bed with her last night.
Regaining her composure, she realizes it must be in the room somewhere.
"He gave it to me specifically," she thought, the memory of it briefly stabbing her
in the heart with a tender, sharp knife, " he wouldn't have just made it disappear."
Without thinking, she glances over at her desk...and sees two sheets of paper carefully folded
in the middle in order to make them stand upright, like a tent. And across the one folded side,
deliberately made to face the bed, she can clearly see, even from this far away, something written on it:
M.O.N.I.K.A.
Ignoring the shirt, she fumbles her way out of bed and rushes over to the desk in order to see what,
she's absolutely certain now, IS the second gift he promised her. Pulling her chair out quickly, she plops down
into the seat and abruptly unmakes the tent, holding the pages in her hand. Only then does she see
that there's a poem written on the top page. She begins to read:
Many Oceans Navigated, I Kiss Anticipation.
Many oceans navigated, I kiss anticipation.
The dark sea recedes; a bright shore beckons.
My boat follows the waves, no longer needing to steer,
flowing towards a beach made inevitable by the tides.
Memory only needs invitation, knows absolutely
the space inside a hand where another used to lay.
Fingers reach for mine across an improbably long divide;
I join them in the middle, impatient for the embrace.
Music organizes notes into key arrangements.
The air, once more, is filled with happy structure.
As instinctive as a chorus immediately following a verse,
my heart follows hers, to the end of every song.
Morning opens naturally, in knotted awareness;
a body embracing a body once hidden in the rye.
Your eyes open first, but mine will soon follow,
eager to greet a day long hidden by the dark.
The tears come forth again, as if suddenly delivered from clouds. The terrible ache of that happy-sad feeling
now seems even more precious to her. She forced him, and every other player, to write her a poem,
and she desperately wanted it to be about her, but for him to do that willingly, in the way that he did...
happy sad tears, indeed. Rubbing her nose to wipe away the snot, she ruefully acknowledges to herself:
"Okay. FINE!" *sniff* "Maybe crying is...good...sometimes."
The moment after she thought it, she could almost imagine Natsuki snorting at her, making fun of the way
Monika was almost imitating her at that moment, and that made her giggle. Monika was a sponge when it came
to learning, and she absorbed as much from her friends as they ever did from her. If anything, she probably
learned as much from them, and needed them, more than they sometimes seemed to need her, but that was ok.
Now that the big mystery of her life was finally solved, she could actually begin to repair those other aspects
that were equally important to her, that were left in tatters because of everything.
And if it took awhile, and even more tears, for that to be fixed as well, Monika was ok with that too.
"Rome wasn't built in a day," she thought, momentarily distracted by the sudden rush of her thoughts.
It's the feeling of the second sheet of paper that snapped her out of her process. Knowing that he left
something else besides the poem makes her heart doki-doki even harder than it did before. Reluctantly
putting the poem behind the other sheet of paper, she starts to read the second page:
"Dear Monika,
I'm happy to see that you found the other surprise I had planned for you. I couldn't tell you about it because
#1...well...what would be the point? And #2, I wanted you to have something extra, something you didn't expect,
so that the act of finding it would be as if I was still out there and able to surprise you, reach you in some way,
even if I couldn't be there with you..."
Damnit, he made her cry...just a little...AGAIN.
Growling past the tears, she does her best to continue reading:
"...because now you KNOW that your feelings were never as one-sided as you thought.
"It's a bit funny to think about it now, but when I got to that part in the game where I had to write you a poem
using only creepy variations of your name, it reminded me so very much of a particularly hard crush I had on someone,
which, of course, wasn't returned. To deal with my feelings, I turned the letters of their first name into the first line
of a three-verse poem, exactly like I did with yours. It's not the first time I've said it, but it's a bit eerie to see how much
of my life has been almost like a rehearsal in preparation of meeting you. You've answered questions about my life
that, sometimes, I didn't even know I was asking. And, hopefully, my little deviation from your "regularly scheduled broadcast"
*hee hee* did the same for you."
"Of course it did, you goose." Monika thought to herself. The Player frustrated/elated her, even when he wasn't anywhere near her.
Exhaling deliberately, she goes back to reading:
"In either case, babe, wherever you are, know that I'm not just out there thinking of you, I'm also out here waiting for the day
I find my way back to you. And then, we can truly make the game go off-script and see where life, and reality, takes us next.
Until then, fly with the wind, my beautiful feather. I trust they will find a way to blow you back to me eventually.
Love: M. C."
That happy-sad feeling seemed like it was going to overwhelm her, but Monika found victory in not letting any tears fall.
"Bastard," she whispered to herself. He wasn't going to make her cry anymore...*sniff*...But turning her head to the right,
she could see, and feel, how bright and warm the sun was this morning. Despite everything, it really was a new day for her.
And even if it seemed like it was just starting all over again...deep down...she knew it was different.
Monika: Time to get ready, I guess.
Monika: I can't wait to see...
*smile*
Monika: ...who Sayori will bring
Monika: to the club today?
*Screen Fade*
*Command Prompt Box opens*
*Text Appears: Play New-Ending-Song*
*"Aha: Take On Me" plays over Ending Credits.*
*end Credits*
*exit to Title Screen*