まだダメよ

It's not time yet

何色の朝が来る?

What the color of the morning will be?

What would be the shape of her dreamscape for this night?

Some dreams indeed were nothing worthy to be noted, let alone to be waited for; just fumbled recap of her waking hours, or just plain weird stuffs her brain and subconsciousness staged for her amusement.

However, lately her nights were graced by visits of a trinity of snowy creatures, each sojourned her dreams in different realms of nights.

Sometimes a pristinely white hawk would dance in the sparse sky for her.

Oft, she found herself spied beyond thick foliage—by a pair of icy doe-eyes under majestically branching antlers of a snowy stag.

In other chances, a white lion slumbering without any care to the world but her, beckoning silently to have her snuggling to its mane.

Beautiful beasts, weren't they? She felt like playing guess what's in the box each night, with three equally delightful surprises waiting for her in her sleep.

For this time, something went slightly out of the equation.

This dreamscape was just as beautiful as other nights. The white silhouette standing there, however, wasn't a lion's, a deer's or a hawk's.

It was a feminine figure garbed in curious white—a set of flowing rags? Or an exotically-designed dress?—with hair flowing in a ponytail of platinum strands. Standing atop a hill, the figure of white blew colourful arrays of fine dust, the crystalline rainbows fade under the ethereal moon and fused with the soft silver moonlight.

So beautiful.

She couldn't stop staring whilst her feet were anchored immobile by sheer amazement.

And when their eyes met, blue met silver, that was when Ruby surfaced back from her sleep.

Well, it was really her time to wake up because it was only half an hour shy from her appointment with her professor. Not just an appointment, but one that held significance to the final ending of her undergraduate study.

Entranced by her dream she was, she even didn't bother to get her ass off from the bed and get ready in less than fifteen minutes.

She knew someone would've been hellbent mad and would've preached her of her childishness and importance of discipline.

Ruby was optimistic enough her professor would be so kind today to allow her some minutes—or an hour—of tardiness.

xxxxx

It was just a plain green vista at night under clear sky reigned by full moon. Beautiful, but sparse. Quite frankly it made her chest tightened a bit. It reminded her of loneliness and everyone knew well how she and that noun didn't mix, never.

A lone hawk's cry sliced the air, telling her solitary wasn't the one who kept her company for tonight's dream.

The bird of prey was a sight to behold, with feathers so pristinely illuminated by the moon. It was a bit unfair, though, for the hawk would only dance up in the heights whilst the wingless, flightless Ruby could only stare in envy.

It made her feel even lonelier.

Letting her arm extended to its full length, she murmured, "Hey, don't leave me alone down here."

The hawk descended so gracefully and perched on her stretched forearms. Strange; the sharpness of the white raptor's talons wasn't there to prick her skin. But again, this was a dream and logic was so easily distorted here.

Logic to be damned when she finally could chase away that loneliness inside.

"You know? I hate to be lonely. So thank you for giving up your fun flight to keep the boring me company."

The white hawk cocked its head and stared with those beady azure eyes.

She giggled and let her lips touched its beak.

xxxxx

"Ruby, are you sure you're not going to spend the night here?"

She stared for some off seconds to her sister's concerned lilac eyes, smiled and shook her head gently.

"Dad misses you, Rubes, and so am I."

"I'm sorry…" Ruby murmured before exploded a gaily grin. "But but! I promise I'll visit more often! Mark my words, Yang!"

After more playful banter and a big bear hug, Ruby went home.

Her place wasn't opulent, but far from humble. It was too spacious even for two people. Yet, that one time she complained about the over-size of their living space, she was replied by a calm chuckle that said 'you're too hyper and childish to be contained in a small space'.

The living room was filled rosy soft hues, garnished with ebony furniture. They both had little to no knowledge of interior design, but she insisted to have it like that because it suited Ruby's cheerful warm persona.

The warmth of the colour palette did nothing to chase away the cold inside Ruby.

Taking a quick shower, she retreated to the bedroom afterwards. Calm cool colours with lovely accents of white made up their bedroom—white after her namesake, shades of blue and ice after her eyes and personality.

Blue was a sweet color, reminiscent of the clear sky, but it reminded her how alone she was in this sparse space.

Ruby, unfortunately, wasn't skilled in dealing with loneliness.

She started to regret why she refused to spend her night at her sister and father's place.

xxxxx

Now she stood amongst a forest bathed with moon's glow.

She knew, there were two glinting eyes stalking her—not as a predator, but as a curious spectator. Almost unseen, but the moonlight set ablaze the twin azure shine and ratted out the stalking stag from its hiding.

Ruby laughed as she ran after the fleeing white stag. She always gave the stag a chase, but never succeeded to caught it.

What made the beast so shy to come closer, when she reciprocated its curiosity and awe?

"Gotcha!"

She squealed happily as she hooked her arms around the beast's neck, successfully catching the elusive stag for the first time.

Ruby giggled softly as the white stag nuzzled her face, proud with her successful chase.

xxxxx

Courtesy of Blake and her unnecessary knowledge of literally everything, she knew few beautiful myths of white deer.

Celts of olden worshipped a mythical stag god. King Arthur ran after the white stag in futility in his legend—an allegory for his quest for unobtainable Holy Grail.

To her—if she should liken it in the same fashion Celtic and Arthurian legends were—white stag was something far simpler. Just a token of skittish aloofness and her sense of wonder from afar for something out of her reach.

An heiress of privilege, cold heart armored in haughtiness. It was someone a common rabble could never even hope to attain.

Sometimes Ruby still spared some time to wonder, which appeal of hers, which part of her effort that could chip away the rising icy defense. Or maybe it was just simply her affection had been reciprocated from the start, but it took time for the heiress to get down from her high horse.

Well, who knows? It mattered little to Ruby, when the noble white's hugs and kisses were she ended up with.

Ruby studied her reflection on the vanity's mirror. The crisp white blazer hugged her dearly, albeit a bit too tight around the bust, giving quite a mismatch contrast against her crimson-tipped dark hair.

White didn't suit her, never.

But it reminded her of those hugs.

She took a deep breath. Vanilla, aster and some whiff of cool spruce—the lovely fragrance she used to smell from every fiber the white blazer. Now, what greeted her just the sharp smell of moth balls and woody teak from overly prolonged storage inside the wardrobe.

She patted her own cheeks to shoo her nervousness away and cheered herself.

"Alright, Ruby! Chin up, back straight and confident non-creepy smile!"

Ruby cheered herself, just like the way her beloved white would've done.

Armed with confidence, she was more than ready to defend her thesis from professors' savage nitpicking and roasting.

Xxxxx

She found herself curled sleepily in the white lion's embrace. Soft snowy mane blanketed her face from the night's chill, the furry body curling around her providing a comfortable warmth.

The lion sleepily opened its blue eyes before yawning widely, leaving her in awe with its pristine fangs. No, this snowy beast was nothing predatory, just a huge bulk of white fur that loved to cuddle with her.

Being in this dreamscape of snowy savannah of ice crystal trees, and herself an addict for cuddles, the white lion's cuddly affection wasn't taken for granted.

"You look fierce but cute, you know that?" Ruby cooed, kissing the lion's muzzle gently. "Just like her."

The lion crooned and licked her face lovingly.

Xxxxx

Ruby ate her toast with a small laugh when an idle musing of their mornings came by.

On her bad hair day, or just the mornings with more fluffed bed hair, she indeed looked like a white lion. Ruffled ivory snow strands fluffed as a goofy impression of lion's mane, grumpy harrumphs that became whiny growls of an unimpressed royal beast. When she entered the kitchen that way, she was just like a white lion who woke up on the wrong side of bed and looking for breakfast.

Breakfast as in its normal context—but some mornings had Ruby laid on the table as her breakfast.

Petite stature, sharp youthful visage, pristine ice azure eyes. Looking so immaculate and delicate in first impression, people might paint her as an impressionable white kitten, perhaps as a hare cowering in snow.

She was a white lion; hence how wrong they were.

She slapped the "Heiress" title back to the old tycoon's face and walked out tall and proud without the faux pride burdening her shoulders. Kittens would mewl and crawl hoping for pity from 'the father', hares would just run away blindly only to end up in life's stew pot.

She was a white lion; she paved her own way, clawed through ice shackles of her own father and braved through harsh life. A small business start-up indeed couldn't be compared to a multibillionaire corporation, but it was the fruit of her own sweat and blood. Something she achieved with dignity, not just a tyrant patriarch's twisted, condescending goodwill for his "Heiress".

Icily stalwart like her eyes, snowy kind like her name.

To be the bride of such beautiful white lion was the beyond the best things Ruby can be proud of. Let people stamp them fools, daring to be newlyweds when they were nothing—one was a mere fresh graduate and the other hadn't even finished college.

Love made them brave to challenge such odds.

As she added five sugars and cream to her morning coffee, she asked something to herself:

Did brave young lions go to their sleep early?

xxxxx

She squealed when the white lion tackled her to the snowy ground beneath. The white beast nuzzled and licked her face happily, lathering her with affection. Of course, Ruby felt obliged to return the favor with kisses and cuddles.

The claws teared her clothes in surgeon's precision. Clean neat cuts, one by one bared Ruby to her skin. The cool of snow underneath and cold caress of the wind drove her to crave the lion's warm touch more. She pulled the snowy beast closer, burying herself to the thick furs and mane.

The mane smoothened, more and more—no longer it was the luscious coarseness of a lion, but rather a familiar silky snowy hair. And hovering above her was that fair face, frost blue eyes and a gentle smile she missed so much.

She leaned up, meeting the snowy lady midway for a shared kiss. The slow loving gesture effortlessly crossfaded to a passionate, needy rave laced with moans.

Ruby pulled back and saw her own reflection on those blue eyes. Breathless and bare, flushed with desire. She, too, wasn't ignorant to the lust amongst her reflection there.

"May I?"

Damn it, she didn't even have to ask.

Scrambled fingers reaching and stroking each other's skin. Chasing the distance between them away, they crashed into one in a hungry kiss and ravenous touch all over their bodies.

xxxxx

She woke up with a moan.

Her physique felt so spent, her bodily stamina started at negative point of the gauge, but she felt happy and sated. That warm, sappy wetness lingering between her thighs could tell you more than her words would.

Thank god it was Saturday, so she had no obligation that forced her out of the bed.

Saturdays were days for sleep ins morning cuddles—the innocent and not-so-innocent ones—and usually cookie baking shenanigan would follow suit.

This Saturday, she cuddled herself in bed.

Saturday would never feel this hollow.

xxxxx

The white hawk danced and flirted with the sky again.

Ruby sometimes think it wouldn't be that weird for her to be jealous to the sky. The white hawk, after all, was hers, and the sky had no rights to abduct her white hawk's affection from her.

She looked up once again and the hawk wasn't there. In front of her, the snow-haired lady reached her hand out for Ruby.

"I'm bored being a selfish hawk that dance alone in the sky," she said with voice comparable to distant soothing chime. "So, may I have this dance?"

She wouldn't have the heart to sully the hawk's flowing dance with her clumsiness. But in the end she did and accepted the offer to dance.

Ruby was sure she must have stepped on the snow lady's toes once or thrice, but their flow as one glided perfectly. She never remembered to be ever graceful in dancing, but it found its own way to her sway when the lady of snow white pulled her following silent rhythm.

Maybe the hawk knew her clumsiness was the true charm of their dance.

It was like a newlywed's first waltz; gracefully clumsy and overloaded with joy.

xxxxx

"You may kiss the bride."

Ruby, being honored to be the maid of honor, had the luxury of spectating her best guy buddy kissing his newly-made crimson wife from the best angle.

The people clapped to celebrate the newlywed couple. As per tradition, the bride threw the bouquet and it slapped Yang in the face. Whether the bouquet played a part in Blake's red face was up to debate.

The series of solemn procession were over and the newlyweds and the attendees moved to the hearty celebration. And for the newlyweds to share their first dance together.

Her silver eyes observed the happy couple waltzed. Her own felt so long ago.

The beautiful sight quickly filled her with sweet nostalgia of her own story behind her wedding waltz.

Ruby was the one who professed the words of love first. A moment of awkward rendezvous near the university's botanical garden led to stammers of a love confession and surprising revelation of how long they've been pining on each other for a long time.

However, she was the one given a shock of her life by a ruby-crested platinum ring and the snow-haired woman presenting it. The proposal was so sudden and well-timed. They were in her family get-together when suddenly she lowered to one knee and ask Ruby that question:

"Will you marry me?"

She still remembered how Yang muttered "sneaky bastard" before giving both of them the biggest bear hug. She believed her father teared a bit that time and her uncle hid a smile behind his hip flask.

"Hey Ruby!"

"Jaune!" she laughed and gave her best guy friend a tight hug. "I still can't believe you were clueless to Pyrrha's crush and confessions, but you jumped straight to propose to her!"

The newlywed blonde grinned. "I was an idiot guy, okay? But at least I got balls to propose!"

She chuckled and wrapped her arms around the red-haired bride. "Congrats, Pyrrha! You finally have the best happy ending ever with your dork!"

"Thank you, Ruby," Pyrrha hugged the petite woman warmly. "Anyway, how's your thesis, Ruby?"

"A-okay! Not even the most killer professors' roasting stops me!"

Yang grinned and slung and arm on her shoulders. "Gotta love to see that big fat bold cum laude printed on your diploma, Rubes."

Blake chuckled softly and gave Ruby a meaningful smile. "She'll be really proud of you, you know."

The silver-eyed woman giggled softly. Her fingers gently caressed the platinum band on her ring finger. Her hand dearly clutched the other platinum band hanging by her neck, as if wary of a flock of greedy crows would snatch it away.

Because her white hawk wouldn't be there to defend it.

xxxxx

The forest glade was as charming as always and the moon was serene. Beautiful they were, but not the beauty Ruby wished for.

Soft rustles rattled the bush behind her as an antlered head peeked out. The snowy beast wore no more shyness; the stag approached her with surefooted steps and Ruby was more than happy to welcome the beast. She threw her arms around and cuddled the white stag, nuzzling to its bristly neck.

She didn't know why but she missed this. She missed the snowy existence of her dreams and their ethereal ways to close the gaping hole inside her heart, the comfort from them she couldn't get in waking world.

A pair of human arms hugged her waist and pulled Ruby in deeper embrace, and deeper she fell to the unreal comfort. She looked up and the snow lady kissed her gently.

In their kiss, Ruby spoke of a name, a certain name.

Then she suddenly woke up, all those dreams she had vividly replayed in frighteningly clarity.

The trinity of beasts, the snowy beauty of her dreams—

They all had a single gash of familiar scar crossing their left eye.

xxxxx

Cars. Speeding cars. Cars, big and small.

Cars. Never did Ruby know they could make her broken down enough to render her collapsing into a fit beside the zebra cross.

She stood among the busy city and its pedestrians that buzzed around her, but her sense was only aware of traffic of cars in front of her. The cars zoomed, turned, slowed, stopped but never crashed. An indication of good citizens abiding laws that wouldn't be stupid enough to disobey basic good conduct on streets.

This world isn't pure from idiocy, however. If that so, no dolt would pace their car like a madman, trespassing the red light deliberately to crash to the pavement. But that happened, anyway. That happened on that day, just an ordinary happy day of theirs.

Ruby still remembered that fateful day. They walked together, hand in hand, with smiles on their faces. They were just en route for a date, a luxury that was hard to get with busy work hours and college assignments pressing them. She laughed gaily beside her dearest white, eager to taste the cookies her dearest promised. Just across them there was the café of her destination and when the light turned red, they crossed the road.

Everything happened like a lightning's blitz—so sudden, so fast, so unexpected. Ruby remembered a sudden shove that threw her aside hitting the pavement just before a car crashed wildly before her eyes. Everything surrounded her become a swirl of panicked shouts, shards of glass and debris scattered everywhere. However, she only could register an unmoving body before her eyes.

Blood that ran across her left eye, blood that colored her beloved white.

Next thing she knew she was crying madly while cradling the lifeless bloodied body in her arms.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Time rolled forward and further. Time heals all wounds, and she thought she'd got over it with the help of ticking time.

But she still felt the gaping hole inside until now.

Perhaps she overestimated herself, or time wasn't a powerful panacea like people said.

The red light turned on and a stream of people moved to cross the road. But not Ruby. She quickly turned on her heels and ran through the crowds. Pushing people away that blocked her homebound run without any care.

Whatever plan she had for that day, to hell with them. She just wanted to come back home.

She just wanted to sleep.

xxxxx

Dreamscape was her escape. She had just realized that.

And her escape tonight came in the shape of a barren desert of white sand, white lifeless moon hanging low like a judging cosmic eye.

Ruby let herself slump on the sand, hugging her knees close to her chest and hid her face. Silent tears started streaking her face.

She heard the sand rustled for far, a series of footstep coming closer to her. But she couldn't bother herself to care.

"Ruby."

"Why? Why, Weiss?"

"Don't dream of the dawn, Ruby. Open your eyes and meet it."

"I don't want to!"

She cried and resigned to the arms of the snow lady, burying herself to the ephemeral comfort her dream offered. She had enough pretending to be okay to be alone—she wanted to be with Weiss again.

"Unlike mine, yours aren't everlasting sleep."

She could feel soft, soothing caress on her hair, lulling her to cease her sobbing. Her eyes stung from crying and heavy from sleepiness, she just wanted to sleep. Falling asleep in Weiss' arms, just like in old times, in their happier times together.

"Ruby, my sweet, don't dream of the dawn. Wake up and meet it."

When opened her eyes, she was on her bed, all alone again.

That morning, she started her day with heartbroken sobs.

xxxxx

Ruby walked under the gentle snowfall. Under her footsteps, snow crunched softly. The world around her was white—just like her name—dotted with specks of colors of the world and evenly rows of jutting gray headstones.

In her walk, she wondered; Was there a pair of hawk eyes, with same colour of the sky it straddled, watching from up afar? Or the white stag shyly peering from behind the trees? Or a sleeping lion waiting for her somewhere?

She should stop. This wasn't her dream anymore. This was her reality.

She had her trusty red scarf coiling around her neck, with her body hugged by fur lined white coat.

Yes, white never suited her, but the cold absence of colour always reminded her of someone's warm embraces that had been long gone.

Dreams as the way for her dearest to communicate with her through the barrier of limbo; Or was it the twisted coping mechanism of herself, sprouting from her own unacknowledged pitiful yearning for her lost one?

It didn't matter—it didn't change the truth of her silver eyes that were still open, and the blue eyes that were shut forever.

"It will take a bit long for you to wait…"

Ruby knelt and gently wiped the snow covering the gray surface. The letters engraved deep into the somber stone, spelling perfectly who rested there—and why it was so dearest for Ruby. She laid a single white rose before the headstone.

"But I promise, Weiss, I'll be there with you, in our last sleep."

Even silence was courteous enough to let Ruby wallowed in tearful cacophony—in front of her wife's last lay.

Inspired by まだダメよ(I Dream of Dawn) – Puella Magi Madoka Magica Rebellion OST.

Requiescat in Pace, Weiss Schnee. Just don't bring me to the grave with you for making you die early and making Ruby as a sad lonely young widow.

Finally, I can be proud from clearing my hard disk from another old, cringey, purple prose-y unfinished crap. I hope you enjoy this and not cringe too much from the flowery words I used.