Dear Mom,

I don't want to direct this entry towards the fabled "diary entity". I get that it works for Elena, she's built up a lifelong relationship with hers, but the person I so desperately want to speak to right now…is, well, you. So…

It's the first day of school, and I'm in dire need of a pep talk here. My chest feels heavy. My mind feels empty. My hands are sweaty; would it be super weird to just cover them in chalk? I could stop by the gym before class? I could say I've been training all morning? Or is that somehow worse…like I'm not dealing with this? I'm burying myself in training. Burying was a terrible word choice, I'm sorry. I know you'll forgive me. You would forgive me.

Elena tells me that today will be different for the sole reason that it has to be. Today her smile will be believable; she tells me she has been practising all week. The smile will say "I'm fine, thank you." "Yes, I feel much better." She will no longer be the sad little girl who lost her parents. She will start fresh, be someone new. It's the only way to make it through. It's a nice idea.

I think she wants to unite us, but all three of us appear to be adopting completely different techniques. She's going to be someone new. I've vehemently remained the same. Jeremy is…well, he has full on derailed. I say this with a twinge of pain but mostly guilt; I've not been present for him, I've been elsewhere, both physically and mentally. But…we used to be inseparable. We used to have each other's backs. He's not just my twin brother, he's always been my best friend. We used to tell each other everything but I find out he's getting into drugs, and boning Vicki Donovan through the grapevine. I'm sorry, again. Maybe that was a revelation better suited to Diary? The point is…we don't talk anymore. Not like we used to.

I can't even put this year into words; I have to keep reminding myself that this is in fact real. This is our life now.

It was supposed to be the best day of my life, to date. Which I suppose says a lot about me. We swept the board again at Nationals. The ribbons are all pinned to my wall now, next to all the others. I tried to pin them in the right place on the colour gradient display you designed; I second-guessed myself a couple of times, but I think it's right. I don't know why I'm telling you things you already know. Um, I kept the newspaper clippings announcing our triumph. My favourite headline? "Little Orphan Rose-Annie – National Champion". Yeah. Really.

I was scouted for Washington State, Georgetown and Virginia State off the back of this; they sent a bunch of gift baskets and flowers...but a lot of it was wilted by the time we got out of the hospital...it was really creepy and weird. I'm only 16. I'm a Sophomore. That's a pretty big deal. Natalie offered to take the hilariously oversized National Champ Team trophy home first; we're gonna rotate ownership apparently, before handing it back to the school to display…I don't really want it. I won my handful of medals…and I completely lost the purpose for doing this. I was really relating to that mouldy basket of mini muffins. I've been doing gymnastics and dance and cheer all of my life, I've never known anything else.

I can't even begin to explain how heart-breaking it is to even contemplate doing this without you, mom. This was our thing. We were the only ones that got how powerful it feels, and the strength and control and freedom you get. And mostly, because it was our thing, it was us spending time together. I don't want to be here anymore.

Aunt Jenna just called me. It's time to greet the day.

I love you, Mom.

Annie x