AN: Me, writing a story for a not-so-serious series: everybody is miserable ahahahahahaha. Me, writing a story for a very serious series: lmao what if a wendigo had a cell phone. Enjoy this… whatever this is. Kitty out.
Title: If You Give a Wendigo a Cell Phone…
Summary: They haven't used the groupchat since Hannah and Beth vanished, but now seems like a good time to go back to that. At least, that is, until Josh logs in.
Characters: Joshua Washington, Samantha Giddings, Michael Munroe, Emily Davis, Matthew Taylor, Jessica Riley, Ashley Brown, Christopher Hartley
Pairings: Yes
Warnings: Some stuff related to schizophrenia and PTSD, along with mentions of what happened in canon; also a lot of really terrible puns
Chapter One: Actual Cannibal Joshua Washington
-Emily Davis has logged in-
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: so, we doing this, or what? get your bitch asses over here
-Matthew Taylor has logged in-
-Jessica Riley has logged in-
-Ashley Brown has logged in-
aoc (angel of color): babe i love u but it's two in the morning
sassley: don't act like any of us have a good sleep schedule matt
-Michael Munroe has logged in-
hail hydra: i came here to have a good time and i am honestly feeling so attacked right now?
-Christopher Hartley has logged in-
-Samantha Giddings has logged in-
cochesus: dead meme mike
hail hydra: only god can judge
hail hydra: also what's with your name
cochesus: cochise + jesus
cochesus: it was. y'know. josh's idea
cochesus: i can change it if u want
jessican't: no i like it it's clever
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: he had good ideas sometimes occasionally
hail hydra: chris bro if he could see this he'd be so happy
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: ur all babies
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: honestly chris of course u don't have to change it
sassley: now everyone's sad
aoc (angel of color): well,,,,
-Joshua Washington has logged in-
aoc (angel of color): wELL,,,,,,,,,
Joshua Washington: Hello? This is Melinda Washington. This is that group chat you kids made a couple years ago, right?
hail hydra: uh hi mrs. w yeah it is what's up?
Joshua Washington: I got a call from the police. They think they found Josh.
sassley: holy shit
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: omg is he ok?
Joshua Washington: Not really, no. But he's alive. So that's good. And, well. People will probably start believing that story you had about the mountain. I'm sorry I accused you all of lying. I should've known better.
cochesus: holy shit is josh a wendigo now please say no
Joshua Washington: They called in some people who know more about it. I don't really understand what they're talking about, but it sounds like they think he can be cured.
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: good. tell him to get better soon so i can kill him for giving us all a heart attack
Joshua Washington: There's a line, Emily. But I'll let him know once I can see him. He cant have visitors while he's, uh. In this condition.
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: is he trying to eat the doctors or something?
aoc (angel of color): b a b e
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: it's a fair question and one that i'm well within my rights to ask
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: also, make sure he doesn't bite anyone. or else SOMEONE might try to shoot them in the face
hail hydra: ffs em i'm sorry already what more do you want from me
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: buy me nice things mike that's a start
hail hydra: EMILY I OWN A WOLF NOW I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: then perish
jessican't: i can't believe mike just fucking died
sassley: rip in pieces
Joshua Washington: Try not to kill each other, okay? Not too much, anyways.
-Joshua Washington has logged out-
cochesus: does anyone else feel that that should've been more surprising
aoc (angel of color): honestly at this point i think we're all immune to surprises
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: matt i s2g if u just jinxed us i'm breaking up with u
aoc (angel of color): but then i won't get to see you try not to smile when i give you your new necklace D:
aoc (angel of color): spoiler i got you a new necklace
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: if ur trying to buy my love it's working
jessican't: kinda shallow em
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: at least my boyfriend has an amount of money
jessican't: my boyfriend has a wolf em i win regardless
hail hydra: wolfie says hi btw
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: still can't believe you named the wolf wolfie
hail hydra: shut your fuck
***A Few Weeks Later***
-Joshua Washington has logged in-
-Joshua Washington's username has changed-
jendigo (josh wendigo): i lived bitch
cochesus: j o s h
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: omg
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: good ur alive now get over here so i can un-alive u
aoc (angel of color): welcome back josh i'm glad you're ok
jendigo (josh wendigo): eh
jendigo (josh wendigo): i mean my face still looks like someone shoved it in a blender and i'm still schizophrenic
jendigo (josh wendigo): but we're pretty sure i'm stronger and faster now which is good bc if i didn't get super powers out of this i'd have to astral project myself into the heavens and get into a knife fight with god
jendigo (josh wendigo): so how're y'all doing my fellow trauma victims
sassley: sorry for stabbing u
sassley: i mean u had it coming but still
jendigo (josh wendigo): i should probably apologize too but i'm high af on whatever the hell so i honestly don't think i can rn
jendigo (josh wendigo): also i learned that normal human fingernails are very underrated and it is not easy to type with claws i tried earlier and i managed to write exactly one (1) word
jendigo (josh wendigo): it was a typo but w/e
jessican't: guys
jessican't: g u y s
hail hydra: what's up babe
jessican't: i just realized something about josh
jessican't: he has
sassley: don't
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: do not
jessican't: WENDIGONADS
jendigo (josh wendigo): marry me
cochesus: jfc
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: *cfc
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: (cochesus fucking christ)
jendigo (josh wendigo): you marry me too
-Joshua Washington's username has changed-
wendigonads: let's get this threesome going
wendigonads: the rest of you are invited if you come up with more puns
cochesus: wendigo
cochesus: wendigoing
cochesus: wendigone
wendigonads: *foursome
sassley: wake me up before you wendigo-go
wendigonads: needs work but i'll take it
aoc (angel of color): white people
wendigonads: e
aoc (angel of color): white people + josh
wendigonads: better
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: josh if u really do sleep with all of them
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: you'll be a
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: wendiho
aoc (angel of color): how could you em
jessican't: top ten anime betrayals
wendigonads: join the dark side em
hail hydra: join us matt
jessican't: join us
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: don't try to hide from who you really are
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: the longer u wait the worse puns get
aoc (angel of color): you guys are ridiculous
aoc (angel of color): but since we're on the subject of wendigos
aoc (angel of color): you know what would've been really helpful back on the mountain?
aoc (angel of color): wendighostbusters
wendigonads: relationship ended with sam, ash, chris, mike, em, and jess
wendigonads: matt is my one true love now
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: back off binch
wendigonads: lmao don't worry em i'm not the pretty one anymore
jessican't: first off the pretty one is matt and we all know it
aoc (angel of color): 3
jessican't: second off wdym?
wendigonads: oh shit you guys haven't seen my face yet
-Joshua Washington shared a link-
wendigonads: rip my gorgeous face
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: oh josh
hail hydra: uh not to distract from josh's face but where's chris
cochesus: you're walking in the woods there's no one around and your phone is dead
cochesus: out of the corner of your eye you spot him
cochesus: joshua washington
sassley: omfg
cochesus: he's following you about 30 feet back he gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint
cochesus: he's gaining on you
cochesus: joshua washington
aoc (angel of color): i'm
cochesus: you're looking for your car but you're all turned around
cochesus: he's almost upon you now and you can see there's blood on his face
cochesus: my god there's blood everywhere
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: u gotta be kidding me
cochesus: running for your life
wendigonads: (from joshua washington)
cochesus: he's brandishing a knife
wendigonads: (it's joshua washington)
cochesus: lurking in the shadows
wendigonads: blackwood mountain man joshua washington
cochesus: living in the woods
wendigonads: (joshua washington)
cochesus: killing for sport
wendigonads: (joshua washington)
cochesus: eating all the bodies
wendigonads: actual cannibal joshua washington
jessican't: doesn't the song have a leg in a bear trap and you have to bite it off?
hail hydra: but your fingers! ah! they're caught in a bear trap!
hail hydra: hacking off your fingers (oh shit, oh shit)
aoc (angel of color): y'all need jesus
cochesus: excuse
wendigonads: excuse
aoc (angel of color): y'all need moses?
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: not an exprt but i don't think it work like that
jessican't: exprt
sassley: exprt
hail hydra: exprt
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: fuck all y'all
wendigonads: hang on i scrolled up to make sure mom didn't say anything weird under my name mike owns a wolf now?
hail hydra: i mean. he's a wolf. so idk if "own" is the right word
hail hydra: but he lives in my house and eats my food and cuddles my girlfriend so yeah i guess so
cochesus: he was that flamethrower guy's wolf, right?
hail hydra: yeah
wendigonads: who?
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: oh shit yeah u never met him
sassley: he told us about the wendigos and went with chris to find you
wendigonads: chris didn't find me tho
cochesus: yeah sorry bro i think the wendigo got you first
cochesus: got him too :(
sassley: he lived on the mountain and kinda looked homeless
sassley: one of his eyes was missing
wendigonads: jack fiddler?
jessican't: maybe? matt and i never met him either
wendigonads: he used to bug my family about the mountain all the time
wendigonads: in hindsight,,,,,
wendigonads: we probably should've listened
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: aflbalifvabef
aoc (angel of color): em?
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: This is Emily's mother. All of you need to go to sleep. Especially you, Joshua.
wendigonads: o shit busted
hail hydra: mrs. davis is right tho
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: yeah night gus
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: ugh m o m
words can't hurt me, these shades are gucci: but yeah night
cochesus: night
sassley: night!
jessican't: goodnight, guys!
aoc (angel of color): ttyl
hail hydra: mike out
wendigonads: wendigoodnight
sam-a-lam-a-bam-bam: needs work. go to bed
wendigonads: yes MOM
-Joshua Washington has logged out-
-Samantha Giddings has logged out-
-Michael Munroe has logged out-
-Matthew Taylor has logged out-
-Emily Davis has logged out-
-Ashley Brown has logged out-
-Christopher Hartley has logged out-
-Jessica Riley has logged out-
AN: And that's the first chapter of my first UD fic! It's awful, but I love it, and I hope you guys did too. Please let me know what you thought! Kitty out.