(A/N) I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't think it was a good idea, or that my home anime fandom wouldn't like it. I will also be the first the tell you- albeit begrudgingly -that this is a shameless self-insert. I wrote this around the time I wrote my "Shameless Fluff" chapter (I'm starting to see a trend here) that I wrote as an apology when I knew the following chapter for my RWBY story War of Onyx and Aber: Secret of the Silver Eyes was going to be a week late. Admittedly, I was depressed, lonely, and felt like crap, so I wrote this as a way to make up for it. I haven't edited it. However, after looking it back over, I decided that it would be good to post this. It's a pretty decent concept, if you ask me.

I'll continue this in my spare time, guaranteed. Keep in mind, though, I do have a major project with RWBY that I'm working on, so this will update pretty sporadically. Either way, even if this is a self-insert, the concept does stand by itself as a really good idea. Unfortunately, until I get to the end of the anime and the OVAs, this will mostly be a retelling and novelization of the anime.

Regardless, I hope you enjoy it. If it gets a good enough reception, though, I WILL give it the respect it deserves. If you want to see my ideas for an actual novel instead of just a novelization of the plot, skip to the author's note at the end to see the general idea.

Chapter 1

Waking up at 6 AM is never easy. If you went to bed too late the night before, your shoulders will be stiff, your eyes will be nearly impossible to open, and you feel worse than when you fell asleep. The only thing that would make it more terrible than that would be having a 25 foot python wrapping around you.

Granted, it could be worse. The python was currently pulling my legs tightly together, one cord wrapped around my torso, pressing one arm to my side and the other being bent in a direction that it would break if this kept up. Still, she was hot.

Let me clarify that Miia isn't an actual snake- she's a lamia. From the waist down she's entirely scales and slithery goodness, but up top is a beautiful woman with the most graceful curves, the comeliest of faces, and succulent DDs she was currently shoving my face into. I chuckled and used my exposed arm, the bending one that still had a bit of leverage, to tap her side. Frowning for the briefest second, she nuzzled against me and smiled, groggily looking into my eyes.

"Good morning Darling!" She said dreamily, propping her head on her wrist to look at me.

"Morning Love," I mewled through a yawn before affectionately pressing my forehead to hers gently, "Not that I mind, but what are you doing in my bed?" Miia grinned a slightly fanged smile and wrapped her arms around my neck, holding me gently, but squeezing my arm again.

"I was a little cold this morning so I thought I would just cuddle up next to you so I could warm up a bit," she explained, rubbing her 25 foot body against mine, alternating between tightening and loosening up, her fingers curling through my hair.

"Oh, glad to hear it," I said quickly, whimpering through the pain, "But do you think you could move around a bit and let my arm up before you break it in half? Please?"

"Uh-huh… Mmsry…" Miia released her grip on me just enough to let my arm up, but the minute I was free, I wrapped that now free limb around her lower back, pulling her more closely into me and falling right back to sleep for another few hours.

Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Kayo Ghirahim, and I'm the Host Family of a monster girl/foreign exchange student courtesy of the Interspecies Exchange Program. Also, she's a lamia if I wasn't clear earlier. The funny thing about this situation, though, is that if I knew that I would have a gorgeous woman fall in love with me immediately after she arrived in my home and I showed her a bit of hospitality, I would have jumped at the chance to sign up for the homestay program. The problem? I never actually did. You see, I expected never to be accepted into the program since the government would inevitably check my internet history, after which I would probably be quarantined from the public. Not even arrested! Just taken to a disclosed location where I could jerk it all day. However, as things turned out, the caseworker in charge of Miia's safety as she stayed in Japan was a lazy pile of garbage who took her to my house by mistake and left her here because she didn't want to take the time to find a suitable family for her. Sure, Miia likes it here, and I like having her wrapped around me every night to cuddle up with, but still. If I didn't sympathize with Agent Smith's lack of suitable wages, and if she didn't have the ability to take Miia away from me at a moment's notice, I wouldn't treat her with the respect I do.

A few hours later and the redhead and I rolled out of bed. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the cuddling, but eventually my growling stomach and need to pee, as well Miia's daily scale care kicked us out of bed. She went to her room and I went to the bathroom. After using it myself, I drew her a bath, and if I was being honest, I had a dozen questions of how lamia biology worked below the waist which I pondered over just about every morning. How did she use the bathroom, to give one example?

More importantly, how would I have sex with her? Not that I was planning that, of course, since it was illegal, but seriously. Human women have two legs which a human can easily fit into and penetrate her since our reproductive systems were basically designed for each other, but a lamia? That was essentially just a flat surface. Unless her vaginal canal, or however it worked for snakes, curved upwards at just the right angle on entrance, it would be like having sex with a hole in the ground. Again, not that was planning to do that.

Oh, who was I kidding? I was totally planning on defiling her.

Although, now that I've said that, I need to be even more clear with you now. I don't keep her around for the sex. Actually, I haven't even had sex with her yet, no matter how much I wanted to. I have very strong, very genuine feelings for her. There is no doubt in my mind that I'm in love with her, and without going into too much detail, it's because of her undying loyalty to the people she cared about, myself included, and brazen and abrasive personality. Plus, she was loud and obnoxious, which I loved. And gorgeous. Did I mention she was gorgeous? Because she's gorgeous. Oh, and at the risk of making people question… things… about me, I am way into fashion, and she has a beautifully chic style which I love. Not to mention how that style works with 25 feet of scaley coil which give the best cuddle sessions ever.

As I smiled giddily at how much I loved her, my goofy grin turned into a gushing nosebleed as Miia walked (slithered?) into the bathing area of the bathroom wearing nothing but a pure white bath robe and a matching towel tying up her hair.

"Oh, wow, the bath looks great! It's so warm in here!" Miia praised as she dropped her robe, her back to turned to me, and dropped into the tub which spilled water into the floor from the volume. Leaning back, she moaned in pleasure and sunk down. "Ugh, Japanese baths are the best! You know, I hear that Japan has hot springs that offer mixed bathing. We should totally go, Darling!"

When I didn't respond, she turned around to see me staring blindly at her. A smirk crossed her lips. Two seconds later, Miia was sitting up and turning to me, her arms pushing her boobs together and the tip of her tail in just the right spot to cover the good stuff.

"What are you looking at Darling? You're so bad," she teased, smiling devilishly, "You know, you could join me in here. There's easily room for one more." I was literally a tenth of a second from jumping in with her, but then my stomach growled loud enough that my side actually hurt. I looked at her apologetically and walked out.

"I should have done it," I said to myself bitterly, "I should have."

If you didn't catch it earlier, Miia and I haven't had sex yet. I can promise you that I have had multiple opportunities to ravage her beautiful body, but there is one major problem with actually doing it… I'm a virgin. I would be lying to you if I said that losing your virginity, finding the right person to give it to, finding the right moment, and everything that goes along with one of the biggest moments of your lives wasn't nerve wracking. There may be a lot of societal pressure for men to give it to somebody by the time they're a fetus, but believe me, listening to it would be a bad idea. It can and will most likely ruin you, whether you think so, or not. If I told you otherwise, I would be intentionally misleading you, and even though I'm a complete anus, I'm not going to be reckless with other people's lives like that and tell you to give your schlong to the first woman who's interested.

Don't do that. Wait until the right moment. And if the "right moment" never came for you, if you ended up doing to early, there's no shame in that. You did nothing wrong. Even worse, if someone took it from you, again, it's not your fault. You can't control the actions of other people, nor are you responsible for them. Stay strong.

When it comes to me and Miia, however, I can promise you that she is the right woman. I want my first time to be with her, but unfortunately, I'm terrified of actually doing it. Like I said, it's a horrifying moment for someone, but what's really stopping me is that she's so forward about it. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but every time she tries to rip my pants off, she- well -rips my pants off! She's so rough and hardcore that she scares me out of it every time. Call me a wuss if you want, but I just have no idea how to handle sex, and if she comes at me that hard, even though I know she's a virgin too, I feel like she'd be expecting something I couldn't deliver. I don't know what that would be, but that's my thought process. Fun? Performance? Pleasure? No matter what it is, I don't feel like I'd be able to meet up with her standards, so the pressure scares me off.

I'm an idiot. I know. Bugger off.

It took a very short time before I had an egg and New Orleans sausage omelette with bacon on the side for Miia, a pure carnivore, and an egg and spinach one for me with breakfast sausage on the side. I made sure to spice perfectly, though. Cooking is one of my passions, and I know I'm an amazing cook, so don't you forget it.

"Lift me up above this! The flames and the ashes!" I sang the Five Finger Death Punch song as I set up the plates, "Lift me up and help me to fly away!"

"You have a pretty decent voice, Mr. Ghirahim," said a woman's voice in the corner of my dining room. I glanced over my shoulder at her with a wry grin, already in the process of making her some dippy eggs.

"And you have a habit of breaking into my house in the early hours of the morning," I said to her, "But it's always good to see you, Agent Smith. How ya doin'?"

"Pretty well," she admitted as I refilled her instant coffee, "And you know why we sneak into your home unannounced, correct? All we are trying to do is make sure the Host Families of the girls aren't engaging in any… prohibited activities. Also, it is 10:30 in the morning."

The remark at how late in the morning it was aside, she was right, and that worried me. Agent Smith could charge into my home at any given moment, without any warning, just to see how I was treating Miia. It's a pretty decent idea, if I was being honest. If you don't know when the inspection is going to occur, then you always have to be ready for it, which means you can't be hurting the liminal species at any point. Unfortunately, this comes with its downsides, as well. Let's say a small accident occurs and Miia gets a cut on her face just as Agent Smith walks in on me trying to help her as lamia fights me off since she doesn't want me seeing her face. I would get arrested, she would get deported, and that one mistake of perception on Smith's part would result in a diplomatic incident. I will admit, though, that she's smart enough to know when an accident is an accident.

Unfortunately, this means that if and when Miia and I do boil each other's cabbage, we're going to have to be really careful about it since Smith could walk in on us. Granted, it wasn't like we weren't being romantic with one another. Like I said, we just have to be very careful with it.

"I'm aware, Coordinator Smith," I assured her, "Since you dropped Miia off here by accident, I've been studying the law intently. I'm fully aware of how the 'no interspecies violence' and 'no sex' rules apply. As for anything else in that bill, nothing else was really relevant to being a host family for her. After reading the entire bill, and I do mean the entire bill, everything else seemed to be international stuff she and I will never have to deal with."

"You seem to be taking this very seriously," Agent Smith noted, tapping a stylus to a tablet, "I'm proud of you."

"It means a lot to hear you say that," I said with a grin as I placed Smith's brunch in front of her, "I've put in a lot of effort. I'd like to think Miia likes it here. Has she mentioned anything to you?"

"Yes, since you've brought it up," the government employee stated, "Even though bringing her here was an accident, she said she would like to stay with you until her homestay is up. That's the official story anyway. The more specific details I couldn't put into the report were that she said she would like to stay here past her homestay, she's in love with you, and that she was surprised you were so welcoming to her when she first moved in since most people don't like snakes and lamia's by extension."

Looking back on it, I did try to be as hospitable to Miia as I could when she moved in. The girl was in a new part of the world, moving in with someone she hadn't even met yet whom she didn't even know would be OK with snakes, someone who might have afraid of her, but I've always had a rule- if you are in my house, you are safe. My house and home are a haven for anyone who walks inside, and after having filled out the application to actually host Miia, I made sure to put that down. The minute she arrived, I treated her as family. Not even as a guest. As far as I was concerned, the girl was a deeply close friend the minute she unpacked her bags in the guest room.

Don't look at me like that. Yes, my first thought when I saw her was that she was hot (my second thought being "oh crap, snake tail"), but I wasn't going to let a pretty face compromise my morals. She could do that later. Granted, it only took us two weeks to become a couple, but before that, she was family, and I treated her as such.

"Wait, what was that middle part?" I asked, pointing my cooking spoon at her as I set the dishes aside to clean later.

"That she's in love with you?" Agent Smith, "Yes, she mentioned that almost immediately. You see, the girls in the program are very passionate, and many form attachments very quickly which can make my job very crucial." I got the explicit feeling she was talking about me groping for trout in Miia's peculiar river. "When it comes to that kind of claim, the coordinators have to be on extra alert to make sure you two aren't engaging in any prohibited activities."

"Honestly, I have no idea how that would even work," I admitted, sitting at the table across from Smith and beginning to chow down, refusing to back away from her lest I look suspicious. I wasn't an actor, but I could bluff with the best of them.

"You guys have the parts that matter. You could find a way," Smith said confidently, "And I don't see why you wouldn't want to do something with her anyway. She has a tight waist, ample breasts, and you can't deny that she's very attractive."

"All true," I admitted, interrupting her just slightly, "But I also don't want to end up in prison. If I end up in prison for anything, it's going to be for six months at most, and it's going to be because I beat up some idiot who was hurting children or animals, which would be worth the criminal record. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life in the clink for something stupid like a five minutes of pleasure." Smith cackled.

"Excuse me," she snorted, "Five minutes?!"

"Darling, you're so funny," Miia said as she slithered in, taking a seat next to me and wrapping the tip of her tail around my ankle and kissing my cheek as she did so. My eyes went wide. Did she not just hear the previous conversation? Please tell me she at least heard some of it? Agent Smith was looking at her evenly.

"What was that?" she asked sharply.

"Oh, relax, Smith," I waved off panickedly but not showing it in the slightest in the best poker face any bluffer had ever seen, "You know damn well girls our age kiss people's cheeks to show affection. At least some do, anyway. Miia just happens to be one of them. You're so jumpy, you know? Relax a bit. I have some whiskey if you want me to spike your coffee with it?"

Smith blinked over her glasses slowly, but ended up smiling defeatedly and forgiving the act. I was still tense. Under the table I kicked Miia's tail lightly which earned me a curious look, but she rightfully chose not to say anything when she saw me eating my breakfast casually. From that point on, business had been concluded. Agent Smith seemed to be content with my knowledge of the law despite my absence of mentioning certain hosting responsibilities like constantly being with my charge and having their papers one me, and I guess she liked seeing how Miia and I behaved with one another. At that point, we just discussed recent events. It always surprised me that with how much Smith neglected and avoided her work that she still greatly cared about demi-human individuals judging by how the program and other interspecies relationships was all she talked about. Half an hour later, she left, and Miia and I were left alone to clean up the dishes.

"Her visits always terrify me," I told Miia tiredly, bumping her hip as she dried the dishes in the second half of the sink next to me. She smirked and bumped me back, yelping when I nearly fell over. I laughed at her.

"She terrifies me," Miia claimed with a shiver, "I feel like she's trying to suck my soul from behind those sunglasses."

"I can understand the sentiment," I agreed.

It took us only a few minutes to finish up cleaning from breakfast, and as I dried my hands, I saw Miia stretching widely with her arms thrown over her head, making her breasts stick out. I had just realized that her yellow blouse was soaked. I didn't even see it when it happened, but looking at her now, I could see her white bra shining through the cotton. I began breathing heavily, my face flush. She saw me staring at her, and with a fiendish look in her eyes, a toothy smirk striking her cheeks, I could already feel her tail gently working its way up my legs.

"So… I was thinking about moving some of the furniture around in my room," she said coyly, slithering up to me cutely but with a much more seductive look on her face, "Would you mind helping me?"

I shot that smirk right back at her, and casting a quick look over to the windows where I was assuming Smith was hiding so she could spy on us for a few extra minutes, I readily agreed. Miia squeaked happily and slithered down the hallway. Taking a deep breath and perpetually looking over my shoulder in case we were being watched, I tried to put my paranoia out of my head. I could either worry about being spied on which was most likely not happening, or have some fun with a cute girl. Which do you think I chose? To be fair, I did close the blinds.

As soon as I rounded the corner down the hall, I didn't even make it to Miia's room before she pounced on me. Before I even knew what was happening, she had me pinned against the wall and was pressing her lips against mine in a passionate kiss only a lamia, and only one like Miia could do.

Was there any doubt why I loved the interspecies exchange program?

(A/N) Now that that introduction is done, here are some ideas for an actual story that I could give my all to instead of writing this garbage in an afternoon:

1) The opening would still be about 80% similar to this chapter, but with more depth, more likeable characters, better relationship dynamics between the three, and aside from writing in a bit of a backstory to Kayo and talking about things that are more relevant to the world of the anime, the intro will be monumentally improved and something I could be proud of.

2) I'll write in a better MC than "Kayo Ghirahim" can you sense my sarcasm? Sure, the general idea of him being a sex-phobic pervert, and a man that the girls absolutely deserve, would still be the same, but he needs an actual character besides being an admitted, if somewhat exaggerated self insert. Also, he'd get a better name than something that's pseudo-japanese and based off of a Legend of Zelda villain. I clearly barely gave this any effort.

3) Rachnera would debut first instead of Papi or Centorea. I know how that could monumentally piss people off, but given the character I've already developed, it makes so much more sense for her to appear much earlier. Note- internet search history. I'll mention something about that next chapter so you get a good idea of why she'd show up so early in the plot. Aside from that, I know there was a huge character arc for her that took roughly three episodes in the anime, but that will be modified in a fantastic way to suit the plot difference.

4) A different debut for Centorea, and one that is worthy of her instead of the crap Kurusu had to go through. Not that I dislike Kurusu, of course, but given Cerea's character, I saw a lot of potential there I want to maliciously abuse. In short, I want to give her a debut that's worthy of a great warrior while still having her end up in the household.

At that point, I haven't decided much else. Obviously, that means I will be taking suggestions for when/if I decide to make this into an actual (and a good) story. Thanks for reading my friends!