Summary: Buffy has come to some decisions about her relationship with Spike. Now all she has to do is tell her friends. But will Xander and Willow understand?
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything. But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)
Feedback: As always, appreciated.
Seeing Spike Through Buffy's Eyes Chapter 1 - Willow and XanderBuffy knew it was time. Time to tell her friends about her relationship with Spike, if she could even call it that. Sure, she considered him a friend. And he had helped with things while she was gone – even before she was gone. But telling Willow and Xander would make it all real. Until the others knew, it could stay an illusion; a fantasy she entertained only in her mind. But as she talked and the word 'dating' slipped from her lips, Buffy knew the precarious fantasy life she had been living slammed instantly into the reality column.
Chaos broke out around her. How two people could seem to attack her from all sides was beyond reason. Buffy let them yell, talking over each other so all she could hear was a jumbled mass of disconnected words. But after a few minutes, she couldn't take it anymore. Buffy mumbled under her breath. "It's been coming for a long time, so let's get this over with." She was ready for the showdown. She had too much she needed to say. Too many words that had been left unspoken. If friendships were going to end, it was going to be now. She yelled above their voices, "One at a time, please!"
The force of her voice broke through the din. Xander stood completely still, his mouth hanging because he had stopped talking in mid sentence. Willow was the first to recover. She slowly walked up to Buffy, placing her hand lightly on the Slayer's shoulder. "Buffy," she said with a voice filled with concern, "You don't really have feelings for Spike. This has to be a spell. A spell that Spike cast." Willow knew the vampire hated magiks, but it was the only reasonable answer.
Buffy hated to disappoint Willow, but magiks weren't always the answer. Jumping to conclusions like that was one of the reasons Willow was in the position she was in currently with Tara. "Nope, no spell. Had someone check that angle already. It's real and it's been going on for months. I just decided that now was the time to tell you."
"And what else have you been keeping from us?" Xander had finally managed to shut his mouth. The return of his composure also brought the return of his fury. Spike and Buffy were dating? What alternate dimension had he woken up in this morning! Buffy barely tolerated Spike's presence on patrol, and now they were dating? Had been dating for months? Not of the possible.
Buffy knew this one was going to hurt – bad. "Well, if you want to know the truth, I slept with him." Buffy thought Xander might hyperventilate right there. And it pissed her off. So she slept with a vampire? It's not like she killed someone. Why did Xander have to blow everything out of proportion? "Anything else about my personal life you feel you should know?"
It took a minute for Xander to stop the coughing fit. Nothing like having the air knocked from your lungs. "Since your personal life has a tendency to get people killed, yeah I think there's a lot we should know." Xander was quickly warming up to his subject. "Since you seem to forget, maybe I need to remind you of what happened the last time you dated a vampire."
Here we go, thought Buffy. "Xander, I'm warning you. You're treading on thin ice." But in a way, that's just what Buffy wanted, wasn't it? To keep pushing until everything was out in the open.
Xander snorted. "Just one 'happy' and Angel almost killed Willow, did kill Miss Calendar and tortured Giles. Not to mention the fact that Drusilla killed Kendra, who only came to help you. This time how many more bodies are going to litter the streets before you work up the nerve to kill Spike when the chip malfunctions? Maybe he'll just kill Dawn. Maybe that will be enough. Or maybe, he'll kill all of us!" Xander was on a role now. He took a step closer to Buffy, almost nose to nose with the Slayer. "Spike is an evil thing, Buffy. He kills for pleasure and entertainment. If it weren't for that chip in his head, he'd kill all of us, including you, and not think twice. He can't be trusted!"
Buffy turned away from Xander, doing her damnedest to keep her anger in check. It was no worse than she had expected. She took a deep breath before turning towards Willow. "And you? Do you have something to add?"
"I don't know what else to say, Buffy." Willow had let Xander take the lead. Hadn't had a choice, really. Xander could fume about Angel for days, even though they hadn't seen the vampire in years. "I think that Xander has covered all the bases. Buffy, he will kill us. What about that don't you understand? Angel left so that you could have a normal life. Do you think being with Spike is what he meant?" Willow was suddenly at a loss. "I didn't bring you back just so you could screw up your life again."
That was the statement Buffy had been waiting for. She took a step closer to Willow, invading her personal space. "Then why did you bring me back, Will? What plans did you have for me? Do you think that just because you brought me back from HEAVEN you can dictate the way I decide to live my life? You know, Spike won't tell me anything about what happened while I was dead, but Dawn. Dawn tells me everything. Why didn't you let Spike know you were going to resurrect me? Did you not want him to get his hopes up in case it failed, because you knew he loved me? Or was it because you knew he would try to stop you? That he might be the voice of reason, when everyone else was thinking with their hearts. Which is it? Because I can't come up with anything else?"
Buffy whipped back around to Xander. "And if we are going to bring up the subject of bad date choices, let's go through the illustrious history of Xander Harris. A she-mantis that wanted to have sex with you, and then eat you. An Incan mummy that almost sucked the life force from your body. Not to mention the current love of your life and fiancé, the ex-vengeance demon. A woman, who by her own admission, spread over 1000 years of pain, suffering and death through God-only-knows how many dimensions. How am I doing so far? Think about it Xander, the only 'normal' woman you've ever dated was Cordelia, and that's not saying much."
Willow laughed. She didn't mean to, but hey, the Cordelia comment was funny.
"And let's not forget our perfect Miss Willow." Buffy turned to look back at her best friend. "The all powerful witch whose idea of a good time is releasing a demon into cyberspace and then proceeding to date him. Moving along to the werewolf boyfriend who tried to kill you, Tara and me. Not to mention, cheated on you with another werewolf, who also tried to kill you. And technically, Will, you're the reason I kissed Spike in the first place. Little my-will-be-done spell freshman year." Buffy watched the flames shoot up Willow's cheeks. "Spike doesn't have a soul. I'll give you that. And he has tried to kill me in the past. I'll give you that too. But since no one in this room has a perfect dating record, I suggest we leave that particular subject alone."
Buffy walked away from the shocked pair. She hopped up on the counter, waiting for them to recover from the last verbal battle. She had never thrown their past dating experiences up in their faces. She knew neither knew what to say.
"What," Buffy continued. "I've listened for years to the two of you bring up my past with Angel. I'm not allowed to bring up yours? Are you some how different than me? Are we not allowed to comment on your love life, only mine? Gee, I wish someone had explained the rules to me."
Xander was the first to speak, his voice a little shaky. "Buffy, I know you don't like Anya, but that's no reason to bring her into this. This is about you and Spike."
"No Xander, it's not about me and Spike. This is just about me and my choices." Buffy was feeling more comfortable with the conversation. For once, she wasn't letting them use Angel to get to her. "And I never said I didn't like Anya. I do like Anya. She's grown on me. You know why? Because I know that she loves you and I know that you love her. I've never tried to stand between the two of you. But I'm realistic. No one knows what would happen if she was offered her powers back. I hope, that because she loves you, she would turn them down. But if she didn't? Can you stand there and honestly tell me, with 100% accuracy, what would happen? Can you guarantee me that she wouldn't come after us?"
Buffy's questions struck Xander hard. How many times had he asked himself those same things? How many times had he questioned his decision to marry the ex-demon because of those specific reasons?
"And let's not gloss over the 1000 years of being a vengeance-demon. You know she's got over 800 years on Spike. If we could measure the amount of evil generated by each of them in their existences, who do you think would come out on top? And I've never heard Anya apologize for anything she did in her past, so why would you expect Spike to do the same? Last time I checked, she's got a soul and a conscience."
Xander looked beaten down. Buffy was hitting below the belt. "Buffy, let up on Xander. He doesn't deserve this," Willow said. She couldn't stand to look at Xander's hurt expression any longer.
"You're right, Willow," Buffy continued, "Xander doesn't deserve this, but neither do I." Buffy's anger was leaving her. She had kept so much inside for so long. "Look, I love both you, and I understand your concern. But I need the two of you to listen to me. To really listen to me."
All three of them were tired from the mini war. Buffy thought part of the reason Willow and Xander nodded their heads in agreement was just to avoid another yelling match. But whatever the reason, Buffy would take it. This might be her only chance to make them understand. She waited to begin until they were seated at the research table.
"I'm not saying I'm in love with Spike. All I'm saying is that we are dating. And I'm not saying that I've forgotten who, or what, he is. But there are things the two of you have forgotten. He didn't have to stick around when I was dead. He easily could have left, found Drusilla or someone like her, and went back to being the vampire he was before. But he didn't. He stayed because he made a promise to me. He stayed to protect Dawn. He protected all of you while I was gone. He went on patrol with you. You must have trusted him. Or are you going to tell me you left my little sister under the care of a vampire you didn't trust. That you thought he would kill her the first opportunity he had. Were we monitoring the chip? Every night before you left Dawn with him, or before you went on patrol, did you make him hit one of you just to make sure it hadn't malfunctioned?"
Willow and Xander remained silent. Buffy was right. At first they had been so lost in their own grief, they hadn't had time to think about Spike's chip. And later, they were wrapped up in the spell to bring Buffy back. But if it was such a major concern now, shouldn't they have given it some consideration then? On some level, did they trust Spike?
"Right now, I'm prepared to say I trust him. I trust him with my life, Dawn's life or any of yours. And that trust goes beyond the chip in his head. I trust Anya not to turn into a vengeance-demon because she loves Xander. I trust Willow to give up magik because she loves all of us. I trust Spike, because he loves me. Think about. If he really wanted the chip out, don't you think he would have found a way? This is Spike were talking about! A master vampire, over 100 years old."
"Yeah, he'd perform the surgery himself if he thought it was the only way." Xander hated to admit it, but it was true.
"But, Buffy, why doesn't he? I mean, why do you think he doesn't find a way to get the chip out?" Willow wasn't jumping on Buffy's bandwagon, but she was willing to listen to what her friend had to say.
"Well, I think he loves me. I know he loves Dawn. And I know how strange and unbelievable both those things sounds." Buffy takes a deep breath before she continues. "I've been thinking about this a lot. I think being around us, all of us, he feels like he's part of something he never had the chance to be a part of when he was alive. Yeah, the chip stops him from being the Big Bad, but it hasn't changed his personality. He's the same Spike he was before the chip. I so don't want to bring this up, but you all saw how Angel changed when he lost his soul. No matter how 'ooh, Slayer, I'm going to kill you' Spike was, he never hit the evil-o-meter rating that Angelus did. Spike's all spot of violence on patrol, playing pool at the Bronze, drinking at Willy's, eating chicken wings. And he is all about the love. I mean, his whole motivation for coming to Sunnydale in the first place was to find a cure Drusilla. He sold out Angelus to get Dru away from him because he was jealous. He drank cocoa in my kitchen with my mother, crying over the fact that Dru left him for a chaos demon."
"Even when he kidnapped Xander and me, it was because he wanted me to perform a love spell to get Dru back," Willow added. And why again was she helping?
"Exactly. Can you see Angelus doing those things? All vampires are evil. Preaching to the choir on that subject. But maybe it's possible for some vampires to be more evil than others. Am I making any sense?"
Xander so didn't want to admit this. "Maybe, maybe making a little sense. But I'm still not signing up for the Spike-is-the-best fan club. The fact is he has tried to kill all of us. That doesn't go away."
"No, it doesn't. But I can't live in the past. Not anymore. I've been dead twice. How many chances at happiness, or even a glimpse of happiness, do you think I'm going to get?" Buffy looked at Willow. "Will, one of the first nights we ever hung out of the Bronze, I told you my motto – Carpe Diem, remember? In the last few years, I've lost that seize-the-day spirit. Slowly I've let the constant burden of being the Chosen One interfere with the living of my life. I've been so wrapped up in saving the world, I forgot what I was saving it for. I want this and I'm going to have it." Buffy tried to shake off some of the seriousness of the last few minutes. Her next sentence was laced with sarcasm. "And don't worry. I'm planning on making him pay for his past deeds. The torture mileage I'll get out of it as his girlfriend is going to be so impressive. Want your car washed, your apartment cleaned? I think I know a vampire who will be more than willing to do that for you."
"Buffy, Spike doesn't have a conscience. You are not going to make him feel guilty for trying to kill you. Nor are you going to make him feel guilty about anything he has ever done or will do." Xander just wasn't going to let it lay.
Buffy answered Xander, saccharin dripping from her words. "And again, Xander, when I hear an apology out of Anya's mouth, then you can start asking for an apology from Spike. The past is the past. I'm not even 20 years old. Did you hear me say I've been dead twice? One of the benefits of my occupation is the thrill in knowing the saying 'live hard, die young, leave a good looking corpse' is a reality. I don't have the time to dwell on the past nor the luxury to think too far into the future. I need to live in the now. And right now, this is what I know: Spike loves me. Spike loves Dawn. Dawn loves Spike. I want to date Spike. I'm going to date Spike. That's it."
And for the first time, the Slayer's resolve face made an appearance. "And if the chip goes blammo? If the bad puppy is back to biting?" Xander knew he was being a nag, but he needed an answer.
"Xander stop focusing on the chip, okay. I'll go one better. Whether the chip works or not, Spike hurts a human, I dust him. Stake now, ask questions later." Buffy meant what she had said.
"And you think you are prepared to do that? The chip stops working, you're going to dust him. We aren't going to have an Angel repeat performance with different casting." Some days Xander was like a dog with a bone.
"You're not listening. I don't care whether the chip works or not. The chip could malfunction tomorrow. As long as he doesn't hurt – read maim, kill destroy – a human, he gets to live." Buffy couldn't put it any simpler than that.
It was apparent Xander was getting his second wind. He was gearing up to let lose with the yelling again. "So now you are expecting Spike to be honest about the chip? It could stop working. He could lie and say everything is fine. Yeah for the good guys. Still part of the team. Then, wham, dead Slayer. Buffy, you're putting your life at risk."
"Xander, I put my life at risk every day. It's what I do. And news flash. The chip doesn't work on me anyway. Hasn't since I've come back. Spike's had plenty of opportunities to kill me, but I'm still walking and breathing, so I think I'm okay on that front." Buffy hadn't meant to tell them like that. She was just sick of Xander circling around the same issue.
Xander jumped up, sending his chair flying backwards. "What do you mean the chip doesn't work? How long has it not worked? See, I knew it. Angel all over again. Putting our lives at risk so that you can sleep with a vampire. Willow, grab some stakes. If Buffy doesn't have the stomach to do it, we'll have to dust Spike ourselves."
Buffy was in front of Xander, grabbing his arm before he could move two feet. They were toe-to-toe, eye-to-eye. She had had enough. Her next words were spoken through clenched teeth. "I didn't say the chip didn't work. I said the chip doesn't work on me! You all thought you did such a wonderful job bringing me back. Yeah for you! But you must have missed something in the translation. I came back wrong. The chip doesn't recognize me as human." Buffy pushed Xander away form her. He landed hard on the floor, staring up at Buffy with disbelief. "I'm dealing with Spike. If you lay a hand, or a stake, on him, because of something that all of you screwed up, I'll kill you myself. He can't defend himself from you. That hasn't changed. You're still human."
Buffy's anger was all consuming. She didn't even realize Willow had moved until she felt the witch's hand on her arm. "Buffy, how… I mean, when…" Willow couldn't finish the sentence. She had lost Tara because of magik. She had almost killed Dawn. Now Buffy was telling her that she hadn't brought her back right.
Buffy looked at Willow. Her eyes softening a little at Willow's obvious confusion. "Will, it's okay. I didn't mean to tell you like that. I'm sorry. But I am glad it's out. Maybe it's because you were interrupted. Maybe it's because I wasn't meant to come back. I don't know. But I'm not as human as I used to be. I'm dealing with it. I've checked all the human stuff I can think of. Body's in tact. Feelings are there. Think the soul's okay. I'm not sure what it is, but whatever it is, it's causing me not to show up on Spike's radar."
Willow started to cry. "Are you sure? We should do some research. Call Giles –" A heart-wrenching sob escaped. "Oh, God, Buffy! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
Buffy hugged her best friend. She wanted to get this all out in the open, right? "Will, it's okay. We can research it later. I'm not that upset anymore. Look, I wasn't normal to begin with, ya know? The whole Chosen One thing? This just adds another layer of freakiness to the woman that is Buffy Summers. I'm not a demon. It's nothing like that. Don't think I'm immortal either. Spike couldn't sense anything different about me. He didn't know until we were fighting and he hit me. When the chip didn't go off, he put two-and-two together."
Xander had finally gotten himself up off the floor. "Maybe that's why you are attracted to Spike? Maybe it's the not really human thing? We could fix that."
Buffy let go of Willow, but kept one arm around her friend's shoulder. There would be much ice cream consumed at the Summers' house tonight. "Xander. You know that I love both of you. You two are more like my family than my friends. I was hoping to keep some of the less than stellar details of the me/Spike thing to myself. Obviously, that's not going to happen. So, I'm going to tell you the nasty, disgusting, and some times perverse things that have been going on between me and the blonde beast."
Xander cringed, backing away from Buffy, arms flailing in the air. "Am I old enough to hear this? Will it give me nightmares?"
Buffy laughed. God, it felt so good to laugh. "Probably, but you are going to listen anyway, because I know that Willow is going to listen. And you will be totally out of the loop if you don't stick around."
Xander sat back down in his chair. "Can I have a teddy bear? I used to have a teddy bear that protected me at night when I was a little kid." In an instant, Xander's complexion turned a sickly green. "Wait! No straddling, right? I don't want to hear about the straddling!"
"I'll keep it PG, okay?" Buffy shook her head. Unbelievable. He was unbelievable.
"Later, can I hear the X-rated version?" Willow was taking her seat next to Xander. Most of her tears were gone and she had a happy, oh-possible-girly-talk expression on her face. But Willow was always quick to recover.
"As X-rated as it gets, I promise." Where to begin, Buffy thought. "I need support from you guys on this. No hurt faces. I don't want guilt. I'm not blaming anyone. This is just supporty friendship stuff."
"Sure, Buffy," Xander said.
"Always, Buff," Willow chimed in.
Buffy started to pace around the room, spilling the whole story as she went. She told them about being mad at them for bringing her back, and Spike being the only one she felt she could talk to. She told them about being comfortable around him when everyone else was making her skin crawl. She told them about the kisses and how she initiated them all. She told them about the demolished house, keeping the story clean for Xander's ears. She told them about the stupid things Spike said. And the hurtful things she said back. She told them about the conversation when they were looking for Rack's place. She told them about the garlic she hung in her room. She told them about visiting Spike when she was invisible and the things he said.
Xander banged his hand on the tabletop. "I knew he wasn't doing push-ups!" Then he shrunk down back into his chair. "Oh no, I just got the visual."
She told them everything. "So that's it. That's the whole sorted story. The freakish courtship of Buffy and Spike. He tells me he loves me. I beat him into the ground with any and all hurtful things I can think of. Going for the jugular. If Spike thought about it, he'd be proud."
"So why the change in attitude, Buffy? From what you've just described, it's not a relationship I'd think you'd want to pursue?" Willow was looking intently at her friend. What was going on with the Slayer?
"I'm not sure, Willow. Through everything, Spike has never lied to me. I lie to myself. I lie to you guys. I lie to Spike. Well, I try to lie to Spike, but he never let's me. He knew what I was doing. He knew I was using him. He knew I would never tell you guys what was going on. And yet he stuck around. Okay, it doesn't seem like much to the two of you, but with my track record, a guy who sticks around… it means something."
"When Angel left, he left because he wanted me to have a normal life, with a normal guy. So he made the decision to leave. Didn't ask my opinion. He just left, for my own good. But I'm not normal. I'm the Slayer. Nothing about my life is normal. I've been dead twice. Working on my third life. And Riley. Yeah, I guess he was as close to normal as I was going to get, but it wasn't there. I was always holding back with him. Both of you knew that. But I just wasn't holding back for the reasons you guys thought I was holding back. Riley really didn't want all of me. He couldn't take it. And we could argue it into the ground, but it's the truth. He couldn't get over Angel. He couldn't accept the fact that I was the Slayer. He did a great job pretending. But if he had a choice, he would have preferred a slayer-less Buffy, and you both know it. But the Slayer is a part of who I am. You can't have Buffy without having the Slayer. He never got that. And it wasn't just the emotional thing; I had to hold back physically too. Willow, remember when he told me not to hold back during training, and I nearly sent him through the wall? Cracked a couple of ribs? That wasn't even at full strength, and I hurt him. And to top it off, he leaves. I know we had a conversation about it Xander, and you had some valid points, but maybe I WAS using Riley as the rebound guy. Maybe I saw him as my last chance for 'normal'. I loved him, but he wouldn't have lasted. It wasn't the forever kind of thing."
"Now enters Spike. We all know Spike's bad qualities, but just listen to the good. With Spike, I get everything I've never had. I get a guy who loves me enough to stick around even after I'm dead. Someone who honors a promise he made even after the person he made it to is gone. I get someone who loves me so much, I can't shake him even when I want to. I keep kicking him, and he keeps coming back for more. I get to be Buffy-Buffy when I want to be. I get to be Slayer-Buffy when I want to be. He loves both, equally. I don't have to keep secrets from him about who I really am. He patrols with me like a partner, not a protector. He's the best training partner I've ever had, because he can get as good as he gives. He keeps me sharp. He leaves me in control of the relationship. Things go as fast or as slow or as twisted as I take them. He loves my sister. Though he won't admit it, he likes my friends. He never lies to me. He tells me the truth, whether I want to hear it or not. He treats me like a woman, not a girl. He is willing to help when I have problems, but he doesn't try to fix them for me. And from past experience, I know when he says he loves you, he means it. Come on, Drusilla is as crazy as a loon and he stood by her for over a century. As weird as it sounds, when I'm with him, I feel safe. Who would be stupid enough to mess with a master vampire and a Slayer? And when I'm not with him, I don't have to worry that he can't take care of himself if a little evil comes hopping by. And to take a page from Anya's book, there's always the great sex factor."
Finally, Buffy took a breath. She's hadn't looked at her friends since she started her tirade. How were they going to react? What would they say?
"So you're saying you don't love Spike, but you want to be with Spike because you think he's the best you're going to get?" God, Xander could be so thick!
Buffy sighed. "No, I'm saying I don't know exactly what I feel for Spike, but I'd like to find out. Hiding all of this from you guys hasn't done me any good. I trap myself in a bad place in my mind. So in the spirit of new and adventurous experiences, I'm going to date him, out in the open. And I know the chances of it ending badly are high up on the scale. I know in the end I may have to stake him. But I want this, Xander. I really want this."
Xander rubbed hard at his temple. He had a bitch of a headache. And he still knew, knew deep down this was heading toward disaster. But Buffy had trusted them. And he had to trust her. "I don't have to be nice to him, do I?"
Buffy almost cried with relief. "No, you don't have to be nice to him. You don't have to like him. I'm asking you to support me, Buffy, your friend. I'm not asking for anything else. But, since he is the only other male you spend a great deal of time with, you might want to explore the friendship thing. Will? What's your take?" One down, one to go, Buffy thought.
Willow looked pensive. Buffy knew her friend wasn't going to speak until she had it all worked out in her head. "Okay. I can support you because you are Buffy, my friend. Just like you said. And you've been all Miss Supportive of me in my less than conventional relationships. But I do need you to do two things for me. One, I need you to tell Spike the whole hurt-a-human-get-an-instant-stake prize package in front of the group. I don't want there to be any confusion, that way we all hear the same thing. And he has to agree. Two, I still want to research what happened during the spell to make you come back not human. And if we find a way to change it, I'd like to pursue that option, even if it means your feelings for Spike might change."
"Well, I was planning on number one anyway. Number two is a little more complicated. I'm all for research. We are the research groupies. But if you find something, you have to tell me about it first. I don't want you performing a spell without the rest of us knowing what is going on. And if we need to wait until you are stronger and more in control, then we wait. Deal?" Buffy stuck her hand out to Willow.
Willow shook Buffy's hand. "Deal." And the war was over. "Now, what really happened when you were in the abandoned building? And I've been thinking about the advantages of the not having to breathe thing…"
Xander groaned. "Hello? Still in the room. No more visuals. I have convinced myself that Buffy just beats up on Spike. Nothing else happens. I like my delusion. Please don't ruin it with truth."
"Will, promise to tell you everything later at the house, but right now I have to go see a particular bleached-blond vampire. He's never going to believe the news I've got for him." Buffy ran out of the Magic Box, a smile on her face.
Willow stared at the doorway Buffy had just disappeared thru. She tilted her head as a thought came to her. "Xander, when was the last time you saw Buffy smile like that?"
Xander grinned reluctantly. Not of the good. "Not in a long time, Will. A very long time."
---TBC