Trigger warning at the end.

Chapter 6: When the Villains Fall

Pretending to feel emotion is exhausting.

To be honest, I don't really know why I stopped feeling anything. When I was with Jack, I felt so much good stuff, and I wasn't hiding anything, and I was with someone who understood exactly what I was going through. And now…without Jack, and without Evan, all of that light and good energy is gone. I'm back to the same old Connor I was at the beginning of the school year, but now I know what I'm missing. Feeling emotion is only good if there's good emotion to feel – but forget it, I'm Connor Murphy, my fate is already sealed. I'll be alone, forever, all the time, and cutting out all emotion is the only way to stay sane.

But pretending to feel emotion is exhausting. I went to school, I pretended to learn and pretended to feel and came home and lay down on my bed, just spent. One day Evan appeared at my door.

"Connor, are you alright?" Evan hadn't been stuttering as much, but I wasn't paying enough attention to figure out when it happened.

I tried to make a muffled reply while I was still face down on my pillow. No, I badly wanted to say. But I couldn't get the words out, and Zoe caught up to Evan.

"Don't worry about him," she said stiffly. "He'll be fine."

Evan cast one more glance at me before going away as well.

And that really got me thinking.

Jack was gone. Evan was gone. Zoe was gone. But, more importantly, I thought back to that first day of school. I'd wanted to kill myself, hadn't I? I'd made a plan and everything, and I'd met Evan, and had a friend, and scrapped the plans and tried life. And…life bit me in the ass and now I'm here.

Did I have a reason to stay alive anymore? Evan was my reason. Jack was my reason. And if I did want to live, how the hell could I rewrite my life? I'd have to come out, and Jack would still be closeted. My grades were shit, so I'd never go to college. My body was sick and tired and ready to quit. So was my mind.

My future was bleak. And I was tired. I just couldn't do it anymore. And even as I rambled to myself in my head, weighing down millions of scenarios, I knew I'd made up my mind. I'd do what I couldn't before. If you thought about it, I was kind of brave.

I'd die, and everyone would remember the best parts of me. I'd never have to face the things I was too cowardly to face. I'd move on, if there was a moving on.

To Whom Might Be Concerned,

I'm done. I'm gone. What's going in here isn't my problem anymore.

Mom and Dad: I'm gay. Sorry that you have to deal with that, but I'm gay. I was seeing a boy named Jack Goodman from school all that time I was away.

Zoe and Evan: Have fun with life. You'll be better off without me dragging you down.

Sincerely,

Connor

It was late, and Evan was going home, making a quick stop in the bathroom first. But the door was locked, and when he knocked, there was no answer.

"Connor?" Evan called out. Cynthia and Larry had their own en-suite bathroom, so it was unlikely they'd be in there. But there was still no reply.

Zoe heard him calling and joined him, walking over. She rapped on the door. "Connor, are you in here?" At continued silence, she said, "Mom? Dad?"

Still no answer, but the door stood firm. Finally, Zoe shouted, "Connor, if you're in there, I hope you're clothed, because I'm picking the lock."

Evan raised his eyebrows. "You can pick locks?"

"These ones? You just need a LEGO spear, or something like that. Can you go find one in my room?"

Evan obliged, and it didn't take him long to find a small box labeled "PICKS" containing small objects such as what Zoe described. He grabbed one and raced back over. Zoe made quick work of the lock, but the sight when the door opened shocked them both.

The note was displayed prominently and Zoe quickly picked it off of Connor's body. It didn't take her long to read the note, and she immediately took out her phone to dial 911. Even if she hated her brother – or was encouraging Evan to ignore him – she wasn't about to let him die.

Evan took the note from her and washed it in the sink until it was a soggy pulp. Zoe looked back at him, confused. "Why would you do that? Don't you think – if he wants them to know – they should know?"

"It's not fair to Jack," Evan explained quietly. He didn't feel like saying much, as he was staring at a barely living body. The 911 call went through, and Zoe started talking. Evan exhaled, but they weren't out of the woods yet.

Larry, Cynthia, Evan, and Zoe sat in the hospital, waiting for news on Connor. It had been a few hours, and Larry finally broke the silence.

"You two know something that I don't." It was obvious it was targeted to the two teenagers, but Larry wasn't looking at either of them.

"How do you figure that?" Zoe asked, her tone even.

"There wasn't a note," Larry said. "He left a note last time."

Zoe tensed up. "Last time?"

"If you tell us what the note said – or what was going on with my son – I'll tell you," Larry offered.

Zoe shook her head, but pulled out her phone and began texting Evan.

Zoe: Should we?

Evan: They need to know. Connor's obviously miserable.

Zoe: But if they disown him – or try to change him – now, it'll be even worse.

Evan: You're probably right.

Zoe turned off her phone. She had guessed Evan would probably agree with her no matter what, but she'd convinced herself and that was what mattered.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Zoe said steely.

When I woke up, the first thought that went through my mind was, Oh, fuck. Guess I failed.

But as soon as my second thought came into my head – the note – I went into panic mode. I wanted my parents to know I was gay if I died because I didn't know if Zoe and Evan would tell them. I didn't want them to know if I was alive.

And Jack. Man, I was being selfish. I included him in the note to punish him, not to explain my actions. But I didn't feel bad about it, either.

Now everyone would know. But I was still here, my hospital bed was being paid for, so maybe everything was okay?

After a minute of me thinking very deeply about what my next move was, nurses and doctors came in to talk to me. After that, Zoe and my parents came in. The first thing Zoe did was mime tearing up paper. My eyes widened, and she nodded.

My parents didn't know. My note was gone.

TW: Attempted suicide (not graphic).