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Episode 52 (English Sub, English Dub)

Chapter 187 (English Translation)

"Push Her Away"

Over there. Unsurprisingly, he was hiding from them all. Kagome watched silently as he splashed in the water, panting and choking, obviously trying so desperately to wash the blood from his claws, out of his silver hair, out of his robes. Over the sound of the water, she heard him swear aloud, staring at his hands with something like revulsion.

He must have caught her scent, because he suddenly glanced her way, their eyes catching for a moment before he looked away again, splashing and sloshing back up to the bank. With a little huff, he flopped onto the ground, his posture stiff. He was soaking wet. Silently, ever so slowly, Kagome stepped forward and sat beside him, pulling her knees to her chest and momentarily clutching the towel to her chest. He turned away as she sat down.

"Towel." She offered him the towel.

"Stop." His voice was cold and low. A little curl of hurt flared in Kagome's chest at the frigid command, but after a moment, she lowered the towel, slumping a little. She understood why he was being so cold. And he was wrong.

A heavy, chilling, mournful silence stretched on between them, like a physical barrier that sat between them. Kagome half attempted to find something to say, searching half heartedly for words that would get rid of that terrible silence, that could take away that horrible, woeful, loathing disgust that settled deep in Inuyasha's expression.

"You don't have to force yourself to stay by me." Kagome looked up in surprise, then turned to Inuyasha. He continued to scowl bitterly at the ground before him. Somehow, she understood that he wasn't just talking about sit sitting by him. She knew that he was telling her that it was okay for her to leave him completely, to abandon him, the leave the Sengoku Jidai forever for fear of him and his demonic power. He turned to face her after a long moment when she didn't answer.

And she was just staring at him. Staring with those soulful dark eyes where he could see the lights off the river, where he could see the gold flecks shining in the setting sun. Staring with that expression full of that maddening, despicable sorrow, that sickening compassion, that hatefully empathetic stare. Like she actually cared.

Something snapped.

Suddenly furious, he whirled around to face her, baring his teeth with his hand on his knee and ears pressed flat against his skull. He hoped a little fang and what he was about to say was going to do the job. She just didn't understand. She didn't understand what he was, what he could do to her, that she was in danger just by associating with him, that he was practically telling her to get away from him, to protect herself from him. He was a monster, a monster with no control and killed and murdered.

He needed to scare her, to burn that fact into her mind forever, to make her see sense. "What!" he screamed into that calm, melancholy, pretty face. "What's your issue! Everyone's been tiptoeing around me! Now get this, Kagome; I don't care! I don't care, I don't care what happened, I don't care those men died, it doesn't bother me! I don't give a damn what I did! STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT AND SAY SOMETHING!"

"Inuyasha…"

He suddenly couldn't talk. His mouth had gone dry as bones. His emotions had gone from furious and upset to bewilderment… And honestly, maybe a little sad. He tried to continued to glower and snarl at her, but he knew it had become a more pained, confused grimace than anything. "Inuyasha," he repeated bitterly, with as much contempt as he could gather and force into each syllable of his own name before turning quickly away. Better to keep what little face he had. "Keh."

His name. Was that really all it took for his mind to go blank? For him to lose any and all will to fight? He didn't want to fight Kagome. He didn't want to argue with her. Not right now at least. Not while he was so miserable and unnerved himself. Because if he was completely honest with himself, the thing he wanted most right now was simply a little comfort; something Kagome could very easily and perhaps even willingly give to him. But would she give it to him? After seeing him turn into a mindless killing machine, kill dozens of men even though they begged for their lives, their hands clasped in a plea for mercy, on their knees with tears of horror in their eyes? After he laughed, and murdered them?

She couldn't possibly. And even if she did care for him… He couldn't let her. He wouldn't let her. He was a bomb. A bomb with the fuse lit, and no one knew when he would blow. And to be perfectly honest, he didn't want Kagome anywhere near the fallout.

Kagome simply continued to watch him, that same sad expression on her face. She didn't know anything about what was running through his head. But she did know that Inuyasha would sooner die before he hurt her, and he didn't want to die. So because of that funny way his mind worked, Inuyasha thought that the best way to protect everyone from his inner demon was to close himself off, to go into hiding, to push everyone away and build up those walls that she had spent so long pulling down. She knew he thought he was a danger to her and everyone else. He thought he wasn't worth helping. It must so painful...

His face wasn't that of a monster's. His face wasn't even that of a man's. It was that of a broken, disconsolate, self-loathing boy's.

Out of the corner of his eye, Inuyasha saw Kagome stand and start to walk away, but he didn't turn. He continued to stare at a patch of earth, his mouth twisted into a bitter grimace. He didn't want to see Kagome leave him, even if he knew it was for her safety. The breeze very gently blew, making his hair wave and the trees rustle and complain. Everything felt suddenly very… Empty.

The moment she touched him, he gasped. He had expected her to be gone, but no, she was kneeling behind him, her arms wrapped tightly under his arms and around his chest, her head resting on his shoulder. He was so surprised, his disconsolate scowl slipped completely from his face as Kagome spoke gently into his ear. "Inuyasha… I understand… It's going to be alright..."

And he believed her.

Despite knowing he shouldn't, despite knowing he should have stayed away from her to protect her, he believed her, and he couldn't make himself pull away. It was so nice to just accept her genuine, willingly given empathy, her real sympathy, he just couldn't bring himself to pull away. So instead he clutched at her hand, tilted his head to rest on her arm, and just accepted her solace, thinking bitterly all the while of the truth of his demonic blood.

Kagome… I don't remember anything from when I transformed. This has never happened before. It's so different from the last time it happened... And the next time I transform? Gods… I might use these claws and tear you up too, Kagome…

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Glossary:

Sengoku Jidai - the Japanese Feuding States era; the feudal era

A/N Inuyasha's line of dialogue "stop" is something I did myself. Listening to the sub, I figured out that rather than saying "no thanks" (Kekkodesu?), he says "stop" (Yame). Honest to goodness, this scene is one of my absolute favorites in the entirety of the manga/anime.

Currently listening to: Holding on to You - Twenty-One Pilots