Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. But, some philosophers believe we can only possess after we have discarded everything… so I guess you could say I do own Harry Potter… only I don't…
Every so often my muse visits, and she makes a point of coming at 2:00 in the morning, knowing full well I'll have to sit up in my bed and finish the idea. Anyways, I present…
The Sorting of Helga Hufflepuff'
"Aversabilis Comminiscor Coepio!" chorused the four voices.
Each of them drew their hands away from the sleek wizard's hat, a tad worried of what the result might be. After all, this had never been attempted before.
"Did it work?"
"I don't know, Helga."
"Blast, that thing's ugly! Why'd we have to use Godric's hat?"
"Funny, Salazaar. But it's certainly better looking than your ragged cap."
"Be quiet," hissed Rowena. "Let's test it out."
All four became deathly quiet, and Rowena hesitantly rapped the hat with her fist, as if knocking on it. Suddenly, the hat opened a mouth – which it hadn't had before – and… sang?
I suppose you all are
wondering
why I'm singing to you
but I hope that my job will
be clear when my song is through
I'm a sorting hat, you
see
preparing for the day
when you wise founders have
left and gone away
A wise idea, showing
thought
indeed, it's rather prudent
I'll take my place each year
sorting each and every student
Hufflepuff's friendship was easily
seen to anyone around
within Helga's house hard
work and loyalty abound
Gryffindor's bravery was well know
and he never at all seemed scared
valor and bravery Godric's
housemates always shared
Slytherin's cunning was quite famous
and known throughout the land
Salazaar's chosen ones would
always have a crafty hand
Ravenclaw's wisdom was observed
through her thoughtful consideration
Rowena's house would always possess
those of deliberation
There you have it –
the Hogwart's houses
described in full to you
all that's left for me now
is to see your sorting through!
The hat grew silent, and the four stared at it for a minute. "Not bad," Godric said, smiling.
"It was great," Helga beamed.
"No complaints here," Salazaar added.
The three turned to face Rowena expectantly. "I'm sorry," Rowena finally said. "I didn't like it."
"Didn't like it?" Godric said, confused. "It was perfect!"
"It didn't have any details. No explanation why Hogwarts was created. Not even any directions on how to use it!"
"It's a hat, Rowena," Salazaar sighed. "What do you think you're supposed to do? Take it for a walk?"
"This shouldn't be a history lesson," Godric added. "Nobody will care why it was created."
Rowena ignored them and reached out to touch the hat again. As energy flowed from her into the hat, instructing it in what she wanted, she closed her eyes and smiled. A few seconds later, she finished and looked around. The hat opened its mouth and sang.
In
the dark ages, magic bearing folk were feared
so on Monday, March 4th of 957 AD
four wizards gained Ministry approval for a castle
to teach the young students within the country
ninety three days later…
"Wait!" Godric interrupted. "It doesn't even rhyme!"
"Songs don't have to rhyme," Rowena pointed out.
"It was horrible," Salazaar replied.
"I liked the first one better," Helga added.
Seeing the three stares, Rowena rolled her eyes and again laid her arms upon the hat. And again the hat began to sing.
In the dark ages magic
bearing folk were hated
and the question of education
the English ministry debated.
On March 4th
of 957
approval was finally granted
the ingredients for Hogwart's birth
had then just been planted
Construction started
shortly after
and a shade over three months later
the stone…
"Stop!" ordered Salazaar. "Even I don't want to listen to this – and I actually helped build it. No first year would want to sit through this." Without waiting for a reply, he touched the hat, the same what Rowena had, only instead of a smile he had a small smirk on his face. Upon his finish, the hat once again sang.
I see you all glancing
hither
each with a curious stare
if you need to know your house
well – I can tell you where
Slytherin was immensely cunning
Hufflepuff was dull
Gyrffindor was far too brash
and Ravenclaw loved to mull
Looking for directions
well that's really simple, folks
I'm a sorting hat
put me on you stupid blokes!
"There," Slytherin announced. "Quick, simple, and it even gave directions on how to use it."
"Yeah," complained Godric, "right after it called me a rash hothead and Helga a boring nobody."
"I liked the first one better," added Helga.
Gyrffindor took the hat and gripped it tightly. But where Salazaar and Rowena closed their eyes, Gryffindor's blazed as he 'reprogrammed' it. Yet again, the hat sang.
A quarter of the
students
that walk upon this floor
will get sorted into the
best house – which is Gryffindor
Brave, bold,
courageous,
with valor coming out the ears
only the excellent Gryffindors
can overcome their fears
So put me on – I can
promise that I won't bite
but hope to be in Gryffindor
pray with all your might.
"Well?" Godric asked.
"No."
"No."
"No."
"Why not?" Godric asked, upset.
"Let's see," Rowena said, "How about… because it didn't even mention the other three houses!"
"I liked the first one better," added Helga.
"My turn again," Rowena said, reaching for the hat.
"I don't think so," Slytherin argued. "We don't need another history lesson." He then grabbed the hat away from Rowena.
"At least she's impartial," Godric pointed out, trying to wrest the hat away from Slytherin.
"Who are you to speak," asked Rowena acerbically. "Mr. Valor-oozing Oedipus." All three by now had a grip on the hat, and all three began instructing the artifact. But whereas before they had worked in unison, the three were mentally fighting and arguing amongst themselves.
Specific dates!
Bold! I'm bold!
There aren't enough synonyms for crafty!
Where are my specific dates!
I'm Bold, I tell you. BOLD!
But…
Agh…!
No!
All three fell unconscious in a heap, completely spent from the energy they put into the hat. Helga looked around, not surprised. After all, it always seemed to come down to her in the end. Hard working Hufflepuff – they didn't know the half of it…
Helga calmly put her hands on the hat, clearing away all the garbage in the confused cap. A few seconds later, she gave the hat new instructions – her instructions. After she finished, she quickly drew back her hands.
Rowena, Godric, and Salazaar slowly came to, and looked up at a lightly smiling Helga. "What happened?" Godric moaned.
"We just finished the 'Aversabilis Comminiscor Coepio' when suddenly you three passed out," Helga lied. "You were talking, though, as if you were dreaming."
"Quite," Rowena said. "A very odd dream, too. We were arguing about the sorting songs."
"Songs? As in plural?" Helga laughed. "We haven't heard a single song yet!" The hat came to life, to sing once more.
Wizard-Muggle relations
were once torn asunder
which prompted four mages of old
to sit down once and wonder
How to teach the young
ones
in these times of fear and hate
simple! They built a castle which
still serves its job to date
Within the walls around
and around the air within
an aura of magical wonder and
learning began to settle in
The climate that they
created
was formed of different hues
to match the wise builders
and their corresponding views
Ravenclaw's welcome went to those
of quick and thoughtful mind
a studious scholar within you
was Rowena's job to find
Slytherin's favor went to those
of craft and careful guile
to inspire ambition within
was Salazaar's favorite trial
Gryffindor's honor went to those
of brave and noble deed
to those with courage within
it was Godric's charge to lead
Hufflepuff's bond went to those
of kind and loyal soul
finding friendship in the heart
was Helga's only goal
Four flavors, hues,
ways of thought
each unlike the others
but how to sort the students out
and put each among their brothers?
A bit of fabric, a bit
of brains
a touch of sewing, too
the end result of all of this
stands singing in front of you
There's only one thing
left to do
before my decision's said
come up here, don't hesitate
and put me on your head!
"Hmmm…." Godric thought.
"A tad long," Slytherin pointed out.
"And the background information was a bit sketchy," Rowena added.
"I'm amazed it didn't use 'bold' to describe me," Godric joked. "Still, I liked it!"
"It was pretty good," Rowena admitted.
"No complaints," Salazaar finished. At this, Helga didn't know how long she could contain her laughter, and left abruptly.
"Why do you think she left so quickly?" Godric asked.
"And why didn't see faint like we did?" Rowena asked, ponderously.
"She probably didn't put as much effort into it," smirked Slytherin. "After all, she's not as powerful as the three of us."
"Still," Godric said sadly, "it's got to be sad, knowing that she didn't really affect the outcome of the sorting hat."
"Who knows," Rowena said hopefully. "Maybe she's blissfully ignorant." The three agreed, and walked back to their respective houses.
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Just so you know, that last sorting song was the one I was planning on using in my next story (I'll just have to make up another one). It's also the longest one I've ever made.
Anyway, feel free to review