Chapter 1

"I'm sorry that I don't visit as often as I should. I just- I let you down. You deserved better than what I had to offer." I whispered as I knelt in front of the headstone. Unshed tears sprang to my eyes and I pushed them away, "I'm happy. I wish you could see that. Your sacrifice wasn't in vain and we finally caught every single one of them. Bill, Lisa, Susan. They're all gone."

"Jes?" Dad's voice called from behind me. I turned to him, noting the worried look on his face.

I sighed, "I have to go now, but I promise I'll come back and visit more. I love you, Mom and Dad."

I stood just as my dad came to stand behind me, "Hey. When I got up this morning you weren't in the house. You had me so worried."

"I'm sorry." I turned to him, "I just wanted to visit them. It's been so long since I did that."

"I know." Dad pulled me into a tight hug and I breathed in his scent, "You have counseling today."

I groaned and pushed myself away from the hug, "Please, don't make me go! It doesn't help!"

He sighed, "Jes, I'm not going to make you do anything. I just want you to be able to move past what happened. After Bill and Lisa, we didn't do anything and you struggled for months! I don't want to see you go through that again."

My resolved crumpled into ashes. As much as I hated the thought of counseling, I would go because it meant so much to my dad. "Okay. Let's get it over with at least."

He kissed my forehead and led me to his truck. The ride to the Five-O's base of operations was silent. Dad had asked the counselor to do our sessions there so that it would be more comfortable for me. I had asked that he put up curtains in his office because I hated people watching me talking to her.

Her. Elizabeth Cornwall. She was around Dad's age and nice enough. She wasn't the problem. The problem was me. I hated having to share every minuscule detail of my life. From Bill and Lisa to the nightmares that plagued me at night. Of course, I didn't tell her about all of the nightmares, only the ones that pertained to Susan.

"You ready, kid?" Dad asked as we were just about to walk into the main room.

I shrugged, "As I'll ever be." Squaring my shoulders I stepped into the room. I was met with smiles and hugs.

"Morning, Jessa!" Jerry grinned as his thick arms wrapped me into a tight hug.

"Good morning, Jerry. I'm off to pour my heart and soul out to Elizabeth." I rolled my eyes and he laughed.

Dad and I made our way into his office and he greeted Elizabeth, "Ms. Cornwall."

"Commander McGarrett! Jessa! I'm so glad you could come!" She smiled that sparkling white smile of her's.

I nodded my head and turned to Dad. He gave me a wink and pulled me into his side, "Just talk to her, Jes. It'll help." And with a quick kiss, he left.

I pulled the curtains shut and sat on the couch waiting for Elizabeth to begin. I twiddled my thumbs in anticipation for the questions that were sure to be thrown my way. This would be our third session today and so far I hadn't said more than a few words to her.

"Jessa, do you mind if I call you Jes? You seem to relax more when you're called that." She spoke sweetly.

I stiffened, "I do mind. No one, but my dad is allowed the liberty."

Elizabeth nodded, "Why is that?"

"He is my father." I shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes.

"I want to be your friend, Jessa. I'm here to help you, not to harm you." She leaned forward, "You can talk to me."

I laughed, "My dad pays you. Of course, you 'want' to help me."

"You seem to have a lot of animosity towards counselors. I wonder why that could be?"

"We both know why. I saw a counselor before I was adopted into the Lawrence's family." I whispered.

She nodded, "Yes, Taylor Alexander. Did you have a problem with her?"

"She was pushy. She always wanted me to answer her questions even if I wasn't comfortable to. I don't like pushy people."

"I'll remember that. Jessa, I'm going to be quite frank with you. I'm the fourth counselor you've seen since everything ended with Susan and I'm going to do a lot of things you won't like, but that's how I'm going to help you. You don't like pushy people? I won't be pushy, but I am going to ask you questions and I will ask you to do some exercises. Do you think you can at least give this a shot for a few sessions? Two more at the least?" Elizabeth asked.

I shrugged, "I guess so."

Her smile was blinding, "Great! Let's get started. You've been experiencing nightmares?"

"Occasionally. They're always about Susan though. That day, what happened." I looked at my hands as they rested in my lap.

"Does the outcome ever change in your dreams? That is to say, does she ever live and someone else dies?"

My breath caught in my throat; I wouldn't go there. I couldn't go there. The truthful answer was yes, sometimes the outcome was different. "No." I stated, meeting Elizabeth's eyes so that she would know I was giving her the truth, or rather the truth I wanted her to hear, "Susan always dies in the end."

She wrote in her notebook, "And do you always end up hurt? It says that you had been shot, lower left side. Is that always the outcome as well?"

"Yes. I find that my nightmares always portray what actually took place."

"I see. If you know they are truth then how do you suggest we go about getting rid of them?" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow.

I sat up straighter, "Me? I'm not the professional therapist! How should I know?"

She shook her head, "No, you're not, but I still think you know how we can help change your nightmares. So tell me, what can we do to rid yourself of them?"

"I don't know," I shrugged, "I like to write and when I am scared or hurting I write a letter to my dad."

"Nate Lawrence?"

"No," I whispered, "Steve."

Elizabeth's pen moved quickly across the page as she looked up, "Why don't we try this: when you find yourself awake in the night from the nightmare, I want you to act like you're just writing to your dad. Tell him about what happened and then write about how you can change it. Here, I want you to use this." She handed me a leather bound notebook and my fingers flirted across the front.

"Just write like I'm writing to my dad." I nodded my head and squared my shoulders, "I can do that."

"I was hoping you would say so!" She smiled again and I found myself smiling as well. She stood to leave and I jumped off of the couch, "Alright, that's it for today! I'll see you back here next week, same time! You did promise me at least two more sessions!"

I wrapped my arms around myself, the leather notebook tucked closely to my chest, "I did and I was taught that I should never break a promise I made."

Elizabeth nodded, "Until next week."

I watched her leave through the door and suddenly I was alone. I was never alone for very long as of late. Dad hated leaving me alone for more than thirty minutes and I hated being left alone. I stared at the picture on his desk. How had it only been seven months since that luau he had thrown for my birthday? It felt like a lifetime ago.

"Hey, kiddo, you ready to go to school?" I jumped at his voice, "You okay?"

"What? Yeah, no, I'm fine. I was just thinking." I shook my head to rid myself of the memories, "We can go."

Dad gave me a skeptical look, but didn't push. He knew that I would come to him in my own time. With one last glance back at the picture frame, I shut the door on my dad's office and on the memory.