Hiruzen had lost count of the number of times he thought his best Anbu agent died. He wasn't even sure when Hound started returning to the village days - sometimes weeks - after his squad, bloodied and with slices in his uniform that hinted at wounds which would have killed any other person, but with no injuries to count for.

Each time Hound comes back, Hiruzen notes how the spark in his eye diminishes just a bit more and wonders if the child broke yet. This can't go on. Despite how much he needs him, Hiruzen would much rather have an alive and sane Shinobi, than a Shinobi with no humanity left that he might as well be dead.

This, Hiruzen promises himself as he hands Hound a scroll, will be the last mission he gives to Anbu Hound. Every mission after this, he'll be handing to Jounin Hatake Kakashi.

xxx

"Take this," Kakashi slips a vial of Phoenix Tears into Tenzo's hand. "I'll take care of them. You just get the scroll back to Konoha."

"But this is…"

"Drink it, and go."

"Now Tenzo," Kakashi barks and Tenzo looks from the vial to his bloodied Senpai. The man's more banged up than he is. Surely Kakashi should be the one who takes the Phoenix tears not him. But Tenzo has no time to argue before the silver haired Anbu captain jumps from their hiding spot with twin Chidori sparking a vicious white. In a flash of silver he falls an entire platoon of enemy Shinobi but not without injury.

There's a Kunai in his thigh and Tenzo hisses sympathetically when Kakashi pulls it out and flings it at the nearest enemy. His sympathy isn't received well, however, and Kakashi furiously flashes him Anbu code for, "get out of here now, you idiot!"

Senpai is either crazy, hella strong, or suicidal. Tenzo hopes Kakashi's strong - and he is - but knows it's probably more along the lines of crazy and suicidal. Still, Tenzo listens anyway.

He isn't sure how Kakashi keeps producing vials of Phoenix tears on their missions - it's considered a medicine of legend - but he's grateful. It's saved his life more than once. Taking a sip, Tenzo immediately feels his Chakra fill up and his muscle fatigue heal, along with the nasty gash he received on his shoulder. He hopes Kakashi has another vial on him but has never known the man to carry more than one at a time, and he'd just given Tenzo the vial.

Taking one last glance at Kakashi facing off against a dozen missing nin, Tenzo estimates that Kakashi's chances at survival were at an all time low. Kakashi had ordered him to go though, and if there's one thing Tenzo has learned, it's that Kakashi is one hard bastard to kill. So Tenzo tears his eyes off the scene and runs for Konoha with the sound of a thousand birds echoing behind him.

xxxx

Kakashi looks around the black void he found himself in. This wouldn't be the first time he came here, and Kakashi doubts it would be his last. The first time he'd been here was when the Kyuubi had attacked. That was the first time he died.

This would be his fourth, and like the three times before, Kakashi walks. He isn't sure where he's going. He can't see anything beyond black and his own body when he looks down. Every time Kakashi came here he had a vague feeling like he was supposed to wait for something. Like something was supposed to happen but never did, but Kakashi never liked waiting. He made people wait for him. So he walks on, in that dark void and keeps walking until he wakes up, alone, and in enemy territory.

xxx

Kakashi doesn't drink blood. Not by choice at least. The only times he's actually had any was when animalistic instincts kick in. Beyond that Kakashi has never drank blood of his own volition.

As much as he's thankful for the fact that his blood can save lives, it disgusts him that people actually drink Phoenix Tears which in it's base form, is his blood. And since the thought of people drinking his blood disgusts him, he figures that the act him drinking other people's blood must seem just as disgusting to other people. It doesn't matter that blood smells good or that having a steady diet of blood would put him at a level beyond the Sannin.

None of that matters, because as long as he can still fight and save his comrades, he won't drink any if he has a choice. Kakashi won't even drink the blood of his enemies, and that's probably why he looks like shit when he stumbles through Konoha's gates.

xxx

Kakashi is thirty when he dies and thinks he might stay dead.

This time he arrives in the black void, except its not just black nothingness. Kakashi can feel the grass tickling his feet and can see a camp fire lighting a small area encircled by logs.

For once Kakashi feels like the thing he's been waiting for is finally here and can't help but stare. There, on one of the logs with light dancing over his face, is Sakumo. The man shows none of the haggard wariness that Kakashi remembers from his childhood, instead this is the man that Kakashi had heard of in History.

"Why don't you have a seat?"

The words startle Kakashi enough that he listens without complaint and he has so many questions that he practically bounces to one of the logs.

"I know you have questions, but why don't you tell me your story first?" Sakumo says, and there's a seriousness to his tone that brooks no argument and a look in his eyes that makes Kakashi weary. When Kakashi doesn't immediately start, Sakumo continues, "I've seen you here more times than I can count, Kakashi."

It's probably the way the man says his name that causes his Sharingan to start tearing. Sakumo's voice has something that Kakashi can't quite name, and he wants to hear his name spoken like that again, if only to label the way he feels, so Kakashi tells his father of his Genin team.

He tells him of how Obito was always such a cry baby and how Rin always healed him to the best of her abilities. Kakashi speaks of how Minato became more than a Sensei to him. How Minato was like a brother and second father all wrapped into one, and how one by one his adopted family died until only he was left.

And through it all, Sakumo listens, never once interrupting when Kakashi explained how he grew into the Hatake bloodline and discovered all his abilities and how he threw himself into S rank missions with little care for his wellbeing.

By the time Kakashi is done, his shoulders shake and Obito's eye seems to have infected his normal eye with some dreaded tearing disease. It's the most embarrassing moment of Kakashi's existence, but Sakumo offers him comforting words and pulls him into a hug that makes Kakashi feel like the child he looks like and not the thirty year old man that he is.

When Kakashi runs out of tears to cry, he feels a familiar white light envelope him and stares at his father.

"It seems it isn't your time yet."

"What?" Kakashi gapes. He's ready to die. Permanently. Has been ready since he was fourteen, and now that he's been reunited with his father he really doesn't want to go back. He wishes that he'd started waiting for that something earlier instead of being the impatient bastard that he is.

There's something that Kakashi had been missing in his life and it finally feels like he found it, and he'd be damned if he let it go.

"Go," Sakumo urges, loosening his hug to hold Kakashi at arm's length and forcing him to stand. "I don't want to see you here again until you look like you've at least grown a beard."

"But I can't and I don't wa-"

"Kakashi…"

It's his name again. Spoken with so much… so much… he can't name it, but Kakashi likes the way his father says his name and he really has no desire to go back. He's gone back so many times and has always woken up alone.

He doesn't want that. He wants this. His father's embrace feels so warm and he's always felt so cold. Kakashi stubbornly holds onto Sakumo's hand.

"You need to go. You don't belong here."

"No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Kakashi… Kakashi-Sensei!"

Kakashi snaps open his eye to see the ruins of Konoha and Sakura rushing toward him. A quick check shows that the seal he painted on his face in case he "died" isn't working, but it's just Sakura and she already knows of his condition so he relaxes into his concrete grave.

"Yo," he says when she's closer.

"Thank Kami, you're alive," she sniffs, shoving a concrete slab away and pulling him up. To his disgruntlement, he's a head shorter than her without his Henge, so when she asks, "how do you feel?" He grumbles his answer.

"Cold."

"You're always cold," Sakura grumbles back but pulls him into a hug and he can feel warmth seep into his bones. "I'm glad you're ok, Kakashi-Sensei."

xxx

Kakashi hurriedly tossed his glass into the sink and pulled up his mask at the sound of his door opening before turning to greet his visitor.

"You know," Tsunade started. "I might not have the nose of a Hatake or Inuzuka but even I can smell the blood in here."

"It's not what you think!" Kakashi hurried to explain. "I'm not injured."

Tsunade raised a brow. "I never said you were." She walked into his kitchen and peered into the sink with a raised eyebrow. "Who's blood is that?"

Kakashi fidgeted. "Sakura's."

Tsunade blinked.

"She offered it and drew the blood before I could protest. I didn't want it to go to waste."

"And yet you threw it into the sink?" Tsunade sighed, "Regardless, it's about time you started drinking some blood. Your body needs it. I should have forced you to drink more often. If you had, we might have been able to stop Pein sooner."

"Sakura said the same."

"Smart girl, that one. Wonder who her teacher is."

It was a jab toward Kakashi and he crossed his arms, deciding to change the topic. "Can I help you Tsunade-Sama?"

"I heard you died again," Tsunade said as she tossed him a bag of blood. "Take better care of yourself," she called as she headed out his door and couldn't help but chuckle when she heard a splutter as he spat, "tastes like dirt."

A/N: Yeah so remember how I said that this wouldn't follow any timeline? Well... that might be a bit obvious in this chapter, but I hope it wasn't too confusing.

Anyway, it was kinda dark huh? Poor Kakashi, at least he gets hugs in the end!

And thank you everyone who's read the last chapter and reviewed.