Imagine all sorts of crackpot theories like "Qrow is everyone's dad", "Jaune is secretly a faunus", etc. are true and ontop of that they are revealed through DNA tests. This is completely comedic, not meant to be serious in anyway, and you are free to suggest some hairbrained ideas so long as I can pull some humor from them. Let's begin and once more I own nothing

Ruby gave out a loud yawn as she woke up, looking down to see Zwei asleep on her lap. She scratched his ears to help wake him up as well, eliciting a cute yawn from him. "Today's gonna be a good day, no classes, no missions, no r-"

The intercom blared, followed by the voice of Ms. Glynda Goodwitch,

"Would all students please report to the cafeteria, all students report to the cafeteria. Sleeping in and ignoring this will result in a Saturday detention, thank you."

Ruby fell back on the bed, screaming into her pillow.

Zwei followed his master's team, every now and then nibbling at the big cat one's heels much to her chagrin. The faunus sighed, turning her head to the diminutive leader.

"Ruby... Please control your dog.. These leggings are expensive.." She rubbed her eyes, while the canine was keeping her from passing out he still was getting slober over her.

"Here, boy!" Ruby pulled out Crescent Rose, dangling a doggie treat from the tip of the blade. The halls soon filled with barking as Zwei kept jumping for it, "Come on, you can get it! You can get it!"

Weiss rolled her eyes, "So... does anyone have any idea why we're being called down?" Yang shrugged, "I'm gonna guess... new teacher? Hopefully tall, dark and handsome." She grinned, "What? Least I don't fantasize about ninjas or butlers."

"Hmm?" Ruby turned to the rest of RWBY, noticing Weiss puffing her cheeks and Blake... being Blake. "Well, anyway.. I think I remember Oobleck mentioning something about tests..tod..today..."

All four of them stopped in their tracks, giving Zwei the chance to steal the treat.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

Glynda looked over her colleague's numerous kits, "Why did Ozpin let you do this again?" The headmaster was known for his 'eccentric' purchases but this one was strange even for him.

The wild-haired man pushed up his glasses, done taking stock. "Because it is imperative that not only our students have the chance to discover previously unknown aspects of their heritage but also realize that deep down inside whether Faunus or human we are all creatures that bleed with a shared DNA structure."

"... You told him shenanigans would happen and he greenlit it immediately, didn't he?"

"Precisel-"

Both turned to the main entrance, hearing a low roar like they were walking into a full cafeteria.

"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

"Ah, it appears Team RWBY got the memo, I owe you 5 lien." The blonde smirked, one of the closest things to entertainment the faculty had were shenanigans, gambling, and the tears of children.

Welp, I'm gonna leave it up to you guys what the first 'major' reveal is.

A. Emerald Sustrai turns out to be Qrow's daughter, with Yang and Ruby annoying their new 'cousin' after finding out they have family.

B. Jaune turns out to have a monkey faunus ancestor, making him a distant cousin to Sun. Yes, I did that just because they're both blonde.

C. Ozpin's current host body turns out to be someone's missing grandpa.

I'll most likely just roll a die to see which I go with if you guys are okay with whatever, still feel free to suggest revelations.